Disclaimer: Everybody needs somebody some time.

Lewd Luna the Lusty Lovegood

"Wake up Harry."

"Hwa?"

"Harry," Hermione began sweetly. "Why is Luna sleeping in your bed?" She was sure Luna had been in hers, or had that just been a dream?

"Uh?" Harry turned to find that yes, Luna was sleeping in his bed. "Why is Luna sleeping in my bed?"

"That's what I wanted to know," Hermione asked. "Wake up Luna."

"What is it?" The sleepy blonde asked.

"Why are you sleeping in Harry's bed?" Hermione demanded. Wondering how Luna had gotten away with something that no witch had in centuries. 'Did they stop monitoring the girls after a couple of decades with no problems?'

"Because Ron snores, Neville rolls around too much, Dean farts, Ginny is a bit too clingy, and you have Crookshanks and he pushed me out cause he doesn't like to share." Luna explained as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "Now let me go back to sleep."

"Uh huh," Hermione said flatly, "I'll be right back." Hermione stormed out leaving no doubt in anyone's mind how she felt about things.

After Hermione left, Harry spoke up again. "Luna... Where are your pajamas?"

"Cotton makes me itchy."

Harry twitched slightly. "Luna... Where are MY pajamas?"

"I vanished them, of course."

"Why?"

"..."

"Luna?"

"Give me a moment to think of something non-sexual."

"Well?"

"Like I said, they were cotton. If you must wear something to bed, Harry, it should at least be silk. That's only considerate." Luna smiled, quite happy that she was upholding the Ravenclaw tradition of finding quick and logical answers, even if she had to make them up.

Hermione returned with one of her school robes which she thrust into Luna's hands. "Put this on," she ordered.

"But . . ."

Hermione climbed onto the bed and drew the curtains closed. "Now Luna."

"Yes Hermione," Luna agreed meekly.

"Could you be a dear and save us a spot in the kitchen Harry?" Hermione asked as she watched the other girl dress.

"I'd rather not leave you two alone if there's going to be a fight," Harry said calmly.

"I'm sorry Hermione," Luna said with what appeared to be sincerity. "I've been very naughty . . . you must spank me."

"Spank you?"

"Yes, you must both spank me." Luna agreed. "And then, the . . ."

"You haven't been that bad Luna," Hermione said quickly. Having seen Monty Python and the Quest for The Holy Grail many times, thanks to her dad being a fan and wondering how Luna had seen it or if she was just reinventing the scene.

"Perhaps I've been a little naughty?" Luna asked hopefully.

"No," Hermione said firmly.

"Oh poo."

"There isn't going to be a fight," Hermione said quickly, "I'm not angry Luna."

"You're not?" Luna asked hopefully.

"No I'm not," Hermione agreed, "Luna and I just need to discuss something. I promise that we won't have any fights without you, alright Harry?"

"Alright," Harry agreed, "but if you're not down there soon then I'm going to come looking for you . . . both of you."

"Thank you Harry," Hermione said with a bright smile, "this way Luna." She led the other girl out of the Gryffindor tower and into an unused class room. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"You still haven't given me the real reason you were in Harry's bed," Hermione said calmly. "And I'm still waiting."

"I was lonely," Luna admitted. "And my dorm mates are not the best company."

"They're still taking your things?" Hermione asked sympathetically. "Bring your trunk here and we'll put an end to that, take me to your bed and I'll keep them away from your bed. I'm not as good as Harry but . . ."

"Thank you," Luna said softly. "But I'm still lonely. I miss the way I used to be able to come to your apartment."

"I'm . . ." Hermione sighed. "I miss that too and I'm working on something to deal with that. Can you wait a few more weeks at most?"

"I'll still be lonely," Luna admitted. "It's not easy being alone again after being around people."

"Oh Luna." She gathered the other girl into a comforting hug. "Just a few more weeks at most and everything will be ok again." Hermione said softly, knowing exactly how the young witch felt.

"Thank you Hermione," Luna said gratefully, "and could you be sure that Dumbledore gets a message from me? Tell McGonagall."

"What is it Luna?"

"Tell him that Potter's have the rest."

"The rest of what?"

"The pieces and access to the spells," Luna said firmly, "it's very important that he know that."

"What's it mean?" Hermione asked.

In reply, Luna just shrugged helplessly. "I'm not sure, but it's very important. Promise you'll pass it along?"

"Sure Luna," Hermione agreed, "whatever you say."

"Thank you Hermione."

"Now let's go get breakfast," Hermione suggested.

"Can we have sausage?"

"Not the kind you're hoping for," Hermione said easily.

"So we'll have to get patty instead of link then?"

"That's not what you were thinking and you know it."

"I'm sure it was," Luna protested. "I think you just have a dirty mind."

"I have a dirty mind?"

"I know," Luna agreed.

IIIIIIIIII

"Minerva, I just realized something."

"What is it Molly?"

"Who do we have teaching Defense?" Molly turned to look at her stunned colleague. "We do have someone teaching defense don't we?"

"Damn," Minerva cursed, "I knew I'd been forgetting something."

"You didn't hire anyone?"

"With all that's been going on, I guess I forgot."

"Why don't we have one of the girls stand in until we get something figured out then?" Molly suggested. "You really forgot to hire someone?" Molly giggled.

"Less giggling, more helpful suggestions."

"Didn't Narcissa Black score high on her defense NEWTS?"

"Not nearly as high as her sister."

"Andy?"

"No . . . the other one."

"Wouldn't that just lead to yet another Defense Professor trying to kill Harry?"

"Well.. it's practically a school tradition at this point and I'm relatively sure she'd volunteer for the chance and if things go as they usually do, Harry will take care of her by the end of the year."

"He-Who... Voldemort would probably let her go from her Death Eater duties for that."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hello, and welcome to your first lesson in Defense against the Dark Arts. I'm your Assistant Professor, Elizabeth. The Professor has not arrived yet and so I will be teaching the class until they do. To start with, the best defense is a good offense so never be afraid to use lethal spells. Nothing puts the fight out of someone like being splattered by their buddy's brains or being disemboweled."

IIIIIIIIII

"And that's why the Fox is a perverted polyamorous minx," Luna finished with a delighted smile. "And not a thief like she wants us all to believe."

"That's all very good Ms. Lovegood," Minerva sighed, "but I asked you to name three uses for the match to needle transfiguration."

"Oh . . ."

"Any time now Ms. Lovegood."

"Give me a moment to think of something non-sexual."

"Take your time then."

IIIIIIIIII

"Detention Mr. Weasley," Gretchen hissed. "One hour after class."

"Wha'd he do?" Seamus demanded.

"That's two hours for questioning me," Gretchen growled. "You got that Mr. Weasley?"

"Two hours for him or two hours for me?" Seamus asked in confusion.

"Three hours for him with me for that comment," Gretchen said in a menacing tone. "And three for you with . . . the large fellow, what's his name again?"

"Hagrid?"

"Bless you," Gretchen said automatically. "The grounds keeper Harvy? Hal . . . hmmm, forget it."

"So I don't have to do detention?" Seamus asked cautiously.

"You don't," Gretchen agrees. "But Mr. Weasley's punishment stands."

Class ended and the students minus Ron flooded out of the class.

"Man," Seamus said to Dean. "These new assistant Professors really have it out for Ron don't they, always assigning him detention after class."

"Poor guy," Dean agreed. "I mean, I wouldn't mind the chance to spend a bit more time with them but well . . ."

"Ron does seem pretty used up when he gets back from detentions doesn't he?" Seamus asked. "Just walks by without so much as looking at anyone and falls into his bed."

IIIIIIIIII

"I'm so sorry master," Gretchen sobbed. "But it was the only way I could spend time with you." The Dark Bunny bent over McGonagall's desk with a hopeful look on her face. "Punish me?" Ron ran his hand down her back, causing her to shiver in delight.

"Sure," he agreed. "And why don't you and Elizabeth give me a joint 'detention' this weekend. I'm getting a bit lonely only dealing with one of you at a time."

"Yes master," Gretchen agreed happily. "Now about that punishment . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

"This is where Narcissa Black is living?" Minerva asked doubtfully.

"According to the girls," Molly agreed, "you should have heard the little dears when I told them what we were up to."

"Oh?"

"All I could do to prevent them from coming along to guard us from the potentially dangerous Narcissa Black," Molly giggled, doing her best to ignore the Dark Bunnies hiding in the shrubbery. "They're under the impression that the two of us can't take care of ourselves."

"Youth." Minerva knocked on the door.

"Yes?" Remus asked as he opened the door.

"Guess the girls mixed up the houses," Molly said with a grin.

"So it seems," Minerva said dryly. "But it doesn't matter, we were hoping to have a bit of your time Mr. Lupin."

"What can I do for you two?" Remus asked as he waved them in.

"Would you be interested in coming back to Hogwarts to teach?" Minerva asked bluntly. "We are in need of a new Professor to teach a new class we've tentatively labeled Defense Against Dangerous Creatures."

"I'd love to," Remus said with a grin, "but my condition . . ."

"Is not a concern," Minerva said firmly.

"Then . . . yes," Remus said quickly, "I'd be happy to come back to teaching."

"Excellent," Minerva said as she rose to her feet, "now if you'll excuse us we still have a new Defense Professor to track down."

"Anyone I know?"

"One of your old classmates," Minerva agreed, "Narcissa Black. I suppose we'll have to ask Mr. Potter if he knows where she is."

"You don't have to do that," Remus said with a grin, "I know where she is."

"You do?"

"Right up stairs," Remus replied. "Would you like me to go get her?"

"Please," Minerva agreed. The two women watched their newest Professor leave the room. "Well . . . they were rather close in their first few years."

"Good to see Remus dating," Molly said with a happy smile, "it's not good for a man to be alone. Poor dears are helpless without a good woman."

"I see."

Remus returned with Narcissa a few minutes later. "Remus darling, would you mind watching Bella?"

"Sure," Remus agreed.

"Thank you dear," Narcissa said with a kiss on the cheek. "So I understand that Remus is going to be the Professor of a new subject and you would like me to teach Defense?"

"Yes."

"Good," Narcissa said firmly, "Remus is a lovely man and he needs something to do besides myself and my sister."

"Yes . . . well . . . are you willing to teach Defense?" Minerva said with a blank look on her face.

"I'd love to," Narcissa said cheerfully, "only . . ."

"Only what?"

"I really don't like the idea of leaving Bella alone all day," Narcissa said with a pained look on her face, "you've offered Remus a position in the Creatures Department so . . ."

"So what would it take to bring Bellatrix as one of your assistants?" Molly asked. "So long as she's willing to behave herself of course."

"Of course," Narcissa agreed, "but I really think she would do better as Remus's assistant."

"Whatever you like."

"I'd need Harry Potter's permission," Narcissa said, "as he is the head of the family and I assume that he'd like to have Augusta and Neville Longbottoms' approval."

"I'll talk to the Potters," Minerva said, "I'm sure that we can come to an arrangement."

"Wonderful," Narcissa replied, "then I agree to be your new Defense Professor providing that Bella receives permission to have supervised outings to assist in our classes."

"Thank you Ms. Black . . ."

"Narcissa."

"Narcissa then, and welcome to Hogwarts."

"Thank you," Narcissa said, "would you care to stay for tea? Bella gets cranky if we change tea time and I would like at least one of you to spend time around Bella so that you can tell Mr. Potter how much she's progressed."

IIIIIIIIII

"Why the hell am I the one that has to wear this stupid costume?" Seamus demanded.

"Because you're the only one that can pull it off," Dean replied, "damn it man. It's vital to the plan that you do this."

"You still haven't explained everything."

"And I will after you get the bloody stuff," Dean growled, "now do it."

IIIIIIIIII

Hermione's eyes shot open when she felt someone climbing into bed with her. "Didn't the wards work Luna?"

"I'm not Luna," Harry's voice rumbled, "and I don't know anything about the wards."

"Harry?" Hermione said happily. "But the wards on the staircase . . ."

"Haven't worked right since the first Potter came to Hogwarts lo those many years ago," Harry said with a grin.

"D'oh."

"Took me a day before I realized it too," Harry laughed, "this way you don't have to sleep alone."

"Good," Hermione said firmly, "thank you Harry."

"Happy to be of service."

Hermione curled up in Harry's arms and sighed happily, but sleep eluded her as she felt a twinge of guilt prodding at her conscious.

Sighing she gently nudged Harry awake.

"Hmm?"

"Harry... could you get Luna. Her dorm mates are still treating her awful and you know how she hates sleeping alone. I just can't get sleep thinking of her all alone with those people."

"Sure, Love. I'll be just a minute." Harry gave her a peck on the head and slipped out of bed.

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, Ben Russell-Gough, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, David Brown, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, khadon99, Shawn Pickett, tekobaka, Freddie, Musings of Apathy, ubereng, Brian Arcis, Shalon Wood, D.J. Thorens, Fenris, Pelel, peterson9803, Andrew Joshua Talon, shinji the good sharer, and everyone on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster as well as several others. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos. And still another goes to neil.reynolds who wrote a large number of scenes. Yet another goes to The Resident who was good enough to do a bit of editing and caught several of my mistakes. Still more go to Andrew Joshua Talon who wrote much (most) of the subplot with Narcissa, Remus, and Draco.

Omake: But Sleep Won't Come

"Good morning Lavender," Hermione said cheerfully, "how are you today?"

"Tired," Lavender said bluntly, "look . . . we've all been talking and we're all in favor of you getting laid . . . just please, please remember to put up the silencing charms next time."

"Or invite us to join you," Parvati added, "it's common courtesy."

"Have you been speaking to Luna?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

Omake by Shalon Wood

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry September 2, 2070

"Wait, what?" the new student asked.

"It's a tradition, from my days in school," Headmaster Potter said. "The defense teacher always tries to kill a student and suffers a horrible fate. I'm afraid your name came out of the hat this year, so you're the designated student for your time in Hogwarts. Better keep an eye out!"

Addition by Darkfiretiger

"Oh and here have this rare and mystical object that the DADA teacher wants but can't have, and this book of highly advanced spells that can be cast by first years... Good luck"

Addition by SP

"Don't worry too much, though. They've never been all that good at it. And you get a free O if you manage to kill them unintentionally."

Addition by jacee4u2001

The kid's face goes pale, and then puce. He whips out his wand and before anyone at the head table could move shouts "Incendio!" at the sorting hat.

"Well, I may be screwed, but nobody else will be!"

Harry Potter looked at his Assistant Headmaster, Hermione Lovegood and said, "You know, it's a good thing we didn't tell him it was YOUR hat we used."

Addition by dogbertcarroll

"We were going to put a stop to it, but it turns out that the curse on the position is just too strong. Fortunately we have a long list of ex-Death Eaters to fill the role and I'll be around to give you well meaning but cryptic advice that does no good until after everything is said and done." Harry smiled warmly at the firsty.

"But... But.. But..."

Draco looked at the message he'd just received as if it were a snake.

"I have to be the defense professor?! I'm too pretty to die! My only chance is to kill the firsty before he gets me!"

Addition by Darkfiretiger

8 months later

"... And now he's dead, he shouldn't have gone after that hair crème of youth I haphazardly hid on the 3rd floor, Mic. firsty and his freinds "goof off" and "smart but cute" were able to stop him. Tragically it cost him his life"

Harmione and Luna come bursting in the room

"Harry we've got it we've broken the curse"

"Too late Hermione the ferret's dead"

"Oh poo, we were too late"

Addition by SP

"Speak for yourself. I was right on time."

Addition by dogbertcarroll

"You wanted to save him?"

"Not really, but we also uncovered evidence that linked him to some muggle slayings, so if we managed to save him we could have had him tortured by dementors for decades."