Disclaimer: Sometimes, it really is that easy.

An Accidental Proposal

"Hermione, I have a question for you."

"Yes Professor?"

"You wouldn't happen to know how three Ravenclaw girls ended up in the hospital wing with severe electrical burns would you?"

"No Professor," Hermione replied. "But if I had to guess, I'd say that sounded like the effects of one of Harry's security wards."

"You can't just . . ."

"Professor," Hermione sighed. "Luna is like the perverted, grabby, exhibitionist, polyamorous little sister that I never wanted. But I'll be damned if I let anyone bully her, the alternative is to have me march into their common room and challenge them all to duels. That's the proper pureblood answer to this problem after all." Hermione's right hand began twitching like she was casting, even though her wand remained in its holster.

"I . . ."

"Of course if I did that then Harry would join me," Hermione mused. "Or I suppose we could take out a full page ad in the Prophet stating that the families of the girls who bully Luna will not get Potter wards, I'm sure the Fox and the Hound would be happy to take care of the rest." Hermione's smile morphed into a feral grin, as she began to picture the possibilities.

"Point taken," Minerva sighed. "Thank you for showing so much restraint."

Hermione shook herself a little and regained focus on the present. "No problem Professor, would you mind passing a message to Cho for me? I don't believe I could give it myself without becoming cross with her."

"What is it?"

"If she bothers Luna again, there is a good possibility that the wards won't just put her in the hospital wing. Luna is under the protection of the Potter family, Cho and her little friends would do well to think about what that means."

"I'll be sure to pass that along to their families," Minerva said with as much calm as she could muster.

"Oh . . . before I forget."

"Yes?"

"Luna wants Dumbledore to know that Harry and I have the rest of the pieces and access to the spells ."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know," Hermione admitted, "I assume it means the Headmaster is working on a puzzle or something. Luna said that it was very important."

"I'll be sure to tell him then," Minerva promised.

"Thank you Professor."

IIIIIIIIII

"Good afternoon daughter."

"Mother." Cho winced at her parent's tone.

"I wonder, are you really stupid enough to harass a girl under the protection of the Potter family or were you unaware of the connection?"

"I was unaware of the connection mother," Cho said in a subdued tone.

"Which raises the question on why you were bothering the poor girl in the first place," the woman continued, "I didn't raise you to be a bully and I am fairly sure that your father did not raise you to be a bully so I can only conclude that this is something you got from Hogwarts."

"Mother I . . ."

"Be silent," she snapped, "I have spoken to Augusta Longbottom and she assures me that the Potter family will likely be willing to overlook this incident once. Do you wish to be withdrawn from Hogwarts?"

"No mother."

"Then you will apologize to the Lovegood girl and you will never bother her again is that understood."

"Yes mother."

"What were you thinking Cho?"

"I don't know mother."

"Well . . . you're honest anyway, I suppose that counts for something. I'm going to try to arrange a meeting with the Head of the Potter family to convey our regrets and to assure him that such behavior will not repeat itself in the future, please don't make me a liar, Cho. I was able to calm your great grandfather this time, but I'm not sure I could in the future. You're going to be joining the real world soon and you need to learn that actions have consequences."

"I understand mother."

"Now then, aside from that how are you doing?"

IIIIIIIIII

"What'd McGonagall want?" Harry asked.

"Just wanted to talk about Luna," Hermione replied, "and about how I made sure they'd stop picking on her."

"Oh . . . goblins sent a message."

"Who from?"

"I was waiting for you to get here before I opened it," Harry said.

"Hand it here," Hermione demanded.

"Well?"

"It's from Nicholas Flamel," Hermione said.

"I thought he was dead?"

"Apparently not. He just faked his death to throw everyone off and he has a long standing contract with the the Potters for security."

"So what do they need us for?"

"What's he need you for," Hermione corrected, "either he didn't know about me or didn't want me. You're the only one with an invitation."

"And?"

"And it appears that someone managed to track him down and gain access to his house by impersonating a garden gnome. They copied several of his personal journals and snuck back out.

"So I just have to fill in the gaps in the wards?"

"And get the copies back. The ingredients needed to make a stone are really rare, so it shouldn't be too hard to track them down. They have to be well connected to have managed to get in or insanely determined, but connected is far more likely and that means money, so we'll hit the potion shops and see who's buying what."

"Be back soon," Harry sighed, "I'll make it quite clear that I'm not willing to do this one alone."

"That isn't necessary Harry," Hermione said with a look on her face that contradicted her statement.

"Sure it is," Harry said with a fond smile, "you think I'm willing to do all this work myself?"

"Bastard."

"Keep an eye on Luna while I'm out," Harry said as he walked away, "be sure not to let her drag you into any wacky shenanigans."

"As soon as you stop offing defense instructors, you'll have room to talk Mr. Potter." Hermione grinned.

"Point. Our little, Luna is much more devious then any dark lord could dream of being. In that case, bring a medkit and remember that rubbing her tummy quiets her right down and stills her roaming hand for a while."

"Wish I'd known that last night." Hermione muttered as Harry left.

IIIIIIIIII

"Ms. Lovegood wanted to make sure you knew that the Potters have the the rest of the pieces and access to the spells," Minerva said gently, "are you working on a puzzle Headmaster?"

"You could say that," Dumbledore agreed, "call a meeting. I have something I need to share with the Potters."

"Yes Headmaster."

IIIIIIIIII

"So, now will you tell me your super secret plan?" Seamus demanded. "Bad enough I had to dress up like a bloody gnome."

"You know how I'm always having sex with old women?"

"I do now," Seamus said sickly, "I thought that was just a crazy rumor, like the one about Neville having more then just a green thumb, that one's been making the rounds in Hufflepuff lately."

"Well that's all about to change. If this works right I can make them younger and gain back a little of my self respect."

"And you're trying to make them younger why?" Seamus asked.

"So I don't feel so perverted when I have sex with them."

"You're going to have sex with old ladies? That's your plan? Why the hell does it have to be old ladies? What's wrong with you?"

"It's not like I hit on them or anything," Dean tried to defend himself, "but I keep ending up naked and tied down to things."

"And you're OK with this?"

"Not really, I think it's some kind of curse, even if the doctors can't find any trace of it, but I will be if I can turn them into MILFs."

"And what's wrong with having sex with women younger then your grandmum?"

"It's a curse, Dammit! But ignoring that, do you know all those things you want to do, that girls think are perverted and refuse?""

"Yeah?"

"They do all that and things you've never heard of! And they do them well!"

"Really?"

"They have had decades of experience in each and every one of them and by decades I mean, if you add up the time they've spent doing them together, not just they've done it on and off for decades."

"I'll get the ashwinder eggs from Hagrid. He owes me for helping him catch an ewok last week. You see about getting some unicorn droppings from the forbidden forest."

IIIIIIIIII

"Where's Harry?" Dumbledore asked after the group had assembled.

"He's taking care of some business Headmaster," Hermione said with an uncomfortable look on her face, "I'm afraid I can't go into details."

"No problem Hermione," Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eye, "many believe that the reason Potter wards are so valued is not only because of their quality but because of the fact that the Potter family can be depended upon to be discreet."

"Thank you for understanding Professor," Hermione said happily.

"Now then," Minerva called the meeting to order, "what's this all about?"

"You all remember how I told you about the way Voldemort split up the parts of his soul," Dumbledore said excitedly. "And mentioned . . . mentioned Harry's scar?"

"Yes Headmaster."

"I've been collecting the pieces," Dumbledore said quickly, "and searching valiantly for the spells that would allow us to safely remove the fragment from Harry's scar." Dumbledore turned to the Hermione. "I apologize for resigning Harry to his fate . . . sometimes we decide to do what is easy rather then what is right. I . . . I'm ashamed to admit that I allowed myself to fall into this horrible trap, I . . . I can only ask that you will forgive me some day. I was unable to find the spells and so far I have been unable to replicate the family spells but now, now we have hope."

"What do you mean by that Headmaster?"

"Ms. Lovegood's message," Dumbledore said quickly, "she says that you have the rest of the pieces and access to the Teufelhex family spells."

"I . . . I think we need Luna here right now," Hermione said firmly.

"Are you sure . . ."

"Positive," Hermione said firmly.

IIIIIIIIII

"Thank you for coming Mr. Hound," Flamel said. "I realize how busy your schedule can be."

"Mr. Hound?" Harry asked with a raised eye brow.

"When you've been around as long as I have, you pick up a few bits of information."

"I see."

"Which is the reason I didn't invite your wife, I wasn't sure if you married the Fox."

"Uh huh . . . next time, invite her."

"I will."

"And next time you want the Fox and the Hound, invite the Fox and the Hound. I'm a Potter, you may wish to check your elixir because if you're mixing a Potter up with the Hound then I think you may be going senile."

"Of course," Nicholas agreed with a smile, "hope your memory is half as good when you're my age."

"So how long has it been since you updated your wards?" Harry asked critically.

"Your grandfather slapped a couple quick patches on them," Flamel said after a moment of thought, "why?"

"Because they need a lot of work," Harry replied, "more then I want to do in one night."

"Do what you can and come back later then," Flamel sighed, "knew I shouldn't have put this off."

"I'd like to do a complete overhaul," Harry said as he examined the wards. "Patch these ones up and throw a new one over everything . . . maybe another under it."

"How long will that take?"

"As long as it takes," Harry said absently, "I don't do shoddy work."

IIIIIIIIII

"And that's the situation," Hermione finished. "Voldemort put pieces of his soul in physical objects and to destroy them, I'd like to learn some of your family spells."

"Oh Hermione," Luna said with tears flowing down her face. "Yes . . . I've waited so long for this." She pulled Hermione into a rather intimate embrace and kissed her firmly. "I've got to go tell father the good news, oh he'll be ever so thrilled."

"What just happened?" Hermione asked with a stunned look on her face.

"Ms. Lovegood just accepted your proposal," McGonagall said dryly. "And has agreed to marry you."

"But . . . but we're both girls," Hermione protested.

"And you asked to learn her family spells," McGonagall explained. "Congratulations are in order."

"But . . . but we're both girls."

"We've been over this," McGonagall said with a smile. "And as I said, congratulations."

"How does that work?" Hermione demanded.

"As Mr. Potter's wife you can make binding magical contracts in his name," McGonagall lectured. "According to custom, you proposed marriage to Ms. Lovegood to yourself and Mr. Potter by asking to learn her family spells."

"Oh . . . how will I tell Harry?"

"I'd suggest you use words," Minerva said slowly. "But I suppose it could be done with an interpretive dance." At Hermione's shocked look she decided to add, "what? Aren't I allowed to make light of the situation? You have to admit that it's quite humorous from my point of view."

"Is there anyway to get out of this?"

"Not without harming Ms. Lovegood," Minerva sighed. "If I know her family, the first thing they are going to do is print a special edition of the Quibbler to let everyone know. If you reject her . . . well, it would hurt her social standing quite a bit. People will wonder why she was . . . left at the alter so to speak."

"But . . ."

"She is your friend isn't she?" McGonagall demanded.

"Yes."

"Then it won't be so bad, just try to make the best of the situation. Just look at it this way, now when she does the things she normally does to you and Harry, it's considered legal and charming. Well most of the things, you should probably try and keep her toned down on some of them in public."

"Seriously, Mrs. Gran... err Hermione, everyone saw this coming a mile away. Would you really want her out of your lives or with someone else? Several of the girls in Ravenclaw were taking her things just to try and get her attention and I think deep down you knew that, people who are picked on for being smart don't generally start picking on others since they know what it feels like. Your reaction to those innocent flirting spoke volumes."

Hermione's eyes narrowed at the Professor classifying the bullying that Luna had been subjected to as 'innocent flirting.'

With a sigh, she leaned against the castle wall and considered what McGonagall had said, as McGonagall went off to collect her winnings from the teacher's pool, secure in the belief that she had done the right thing in ignoring the wards that went off when Luna had snuck in the dorm earlier.

IIIIIIIIII

"No way in hell it's gonna be this easy," Harry mumbled to himself as he watched Dean and Seamus attempt to create a Philosopher's stone behind Hagrid's hut. "Not a fucking chance."

IIIIIIIIII

"These are the Hogwarts VIP quarters," Minerva said as she waved Hermione into the suite of room, "you and Harry can stay here until we've got something more permanent arranged."

"Thank you Professor," Hermione said in a subdued tone. "Could you have the house elves send up a bowl of strawberries and a bowl of whipped cream . . . oh and five pounds of pickles?"

"I suppose I could but why do you want it?"

"Do you really want to know the details of my personal life Professor?" Hermione asked weakly, "or what I'm planning to do to calm Harry down after telling him that I accidentally proposed to Luna?"

"Never mind Hermione," Minerva said quickly, "that's quite enough information."

IIIIIIIIII

"Guess it was that easy," Harry laughed as he walked into the castle, "certainly made my life easier. It's nice to see things are going my way for once."

"Good evening Harry," Luna squealed.

"Hello Luna," Harry said. "How are you doing?"

"Hermione finally got us a private room," Luna replied, "isn't that wonderful?"

"Sure is," Harry agreed, "we'll finally get a bit of privacy again. What are you doing?"

"I'm just on my way to see father about putting out the special issue of the Quibbler," Luna explained, "so I'll be a bit late tonight so don't worry about me okay?"

"Okay Luna."

"Do you want a copy?"

"Sure Luna," Harry agreed."

"Thank you Harry," Luna giggled, "I can't wait for my birthday and Hermione's big surprise."

"Neither can I Luna," Harry replied. "What do you want me to get you?"

"I've already got everything I want," Luna said as she skipped out of the Great Hall.

"Wonder what that was about?" Harry muttered to himself.

IIIIIIIIII

"Where's the bloody notes?" Dean screamed. "God damn it."

"I never thought it would work anyway," Seamus sighed, "oh well."

"Oh well? Oh bloody well," Dean growled, "I'm gonna keep having sex with old women and they aren't gonna be hot MILFs."

"Well . . . you still get paid right?"

"Paid?"

"You aren't doing it for free are you?" Seamus laughed. "I mean, sure you say they'll do things you never heard of but you gotta be charging for your time."

"My old partner used to rent me out," Dean said reluctantly, "but I never thought to do it myself. Hmmmm, I think I need to speak with McGonagall tomorrow."

"That's more then a bit creepy mate."

"That's only cause you've never scene a photo of McGonagall when she was young and wild." Dean pulled an old copy of Playwitch magazine. "Page 62."

Seamus' eyes glazed over. "The girls of Hogwarts. Is that Madame Pomfrey next to her with the banana?"

"Yep. Screw the notes, he probably had a spell that made any knowledge vanish before a stone could be completed. Get me Neville."

"Why Neville?"

"Remember what happened we got him drunk and he tried to brew a hangover cure?"

"Yeah, one of the Slytherin's drank it and ended up turning into a Veela for a couple of hours... I'll grab Neville and a bottle of firewhiskey, you keep the potion stable."

IIIIIIIIII

"You did what?"

"Accidental proposed to Luna," Hermione said nervously. "Congratulations we're getting married . . . to Luna."

"I see . . ." Harry walked over to his trunk and pulled out a sturdy looking riding crop.

"Um . . . Harry?" Hermione bit her lip as she watched Harry give it a couple practice swings before shaking his head and putting it back in his trunk.

Next, Harry pulled out a large black bull whip and cracked it a couple times before one again shaking his head and replacing it in his trunk.

"I really think we should talk about this before we decide to do anything rash," Hermione ventured.

Harry didn't seem to be listening to her, focusing all his attention on the large morning star that he had just pulled out. After another experimental swing, it too was placed back in the trunk.

"Ah . . .here it is," he said with a worrying smile. "Come here Hermione."

"Mr. Potter I need you to . . ." McGonagall walked in a few minutes later to find a laughing Harry chasing a squealing Hermione around the room making and making a valiant attempt to smack her on the bum with a rubber chicken. "You know what, it's not important. I'll come back later."

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, Ben Russell-Gough, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, David Brown, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, khadon99, Shawn Pickett, tekobaka, Freddie, Musings of Apathy, ubereng, Brian Arcis, Shalon Wood, SP, D.J. Thorens, Fenris, Pelel, peterson9803, Andrew Joshua Talon, shinji the good sharer, and everyone on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster as well as several others. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos. And still another goes to neil.reynolds who wrote a large number of scenes. Yet another goes to The Resident who was good enough to do a bit of editing and caught several of my mistakes. Still more go to Andrew Joshua Talon who wrote much (most) of the subplot with Narcissa, Remus, and Draco.

Omake for Thief

"Is there anything else I should know about pureblood customs?" Hermione demanded shrilly. "I'm not going to accidentally get engaged to Ron for letting him borrow my notes or anything am I?"

"I wouldn't worry about getting engaged to a boy," Arthur tried to assure the witch suffering a psychological break. "At least not now that you've married Harry. Not if you stay in Europe anyway."

"Well?" Hermione growled.

"I'm told that RAH city has some rather odd customs," Arthur explained. "There you could accidentally marry Ron, Ginny, and Neville too. I think, never did work out how it worked."

"And where exactly is that?"

"It's one of the American moon colonies," Arthur replied. "You wouldn't know about it since the Ministry has done its best to keep people from learning about them."

"But . . ."

Omake by hattenjc

To say that McGonagall was shocked was a understatement who would have known that Harry and Hermione was so devoted in the cult of Basilisk slayers that they practiced their old and ancients hunting rituals in their bedroom. (Cleaning their weakness away by smashing each other on the back with a rubber chicken)

But the boy DID slay a Basilisk in his second year so I really should not be that surprised McGonagall taught to her self as she walked away.

And another by hattenjc

"You know what, it's not important. I'll come back later." McGonagall said as she pulled up her wand with a swift wave and she transfigured Hermione's dress in to something more fitting before the old Professor walked out from the room.. "Have fun" she said smugly and left the room..

Harry just stared between himself and Hermione and what once was a rubber chicken.. He suddenly had naughty perverted ideas.

Hermione blinked as she realized she had ONLY a black leather corset that was leaving her bottom nude while making her breast look biger then before as they pushed the breast up.

Looking back she paled seeing Harry dressed in black leather with a leather hood over his face holding a big rubber dildo instead of a chicken.. "Hmm.. Im game if you are" was all she could say as she licked her lips..