Disclaimer: There are a few seemingly unimportant details from previous chapters that are vital to understanding this chapter. I recommend that you reread the entire fic, hell reread it twice.
Death of a Dork Lord
Hermione awoke to find that Luna had moved around a bit during the night. The blond was sprawled across her two loves using one of Hermione's breasts as a pillow while her hips rested on Harry's chest. True to her word, Luna had gone to sleep wearing one of Harry's shirts which had hiked up a bit during the night.
"Hell of a sight to wake up to," Harry said with a grin on his face.
"Aren't you uncomfortable?" Hermione asked.
"She doesn't weight much," Harry replied, "and the view is fantastic."
"Really?" Hermione asked still a teeny bit insecure about her own looks, despite Harry's assurances.
Harry stared into his bushy haired wife's eyes. "Yeah, both of them."
Hermione grinned and tried to ignore Luna nibbling in her sleep. "Well, I think someone's a bit hungry, so I'm going to wake Luna up and head off to breakfast."
IIIIIIIIII
"Hey Professor," Dean greeted his Head of House, "I was hoping that you could help me change my profession."
"Certainly," McGonagall agreed, "what do you want to change it to?"
"I wanna be a man whore," Dean replied proudly.
"You what?" Minerva asked in shock. "You mean that wasn't a tasteless joke earlier?"
"No joke Professor, I really want to change my career track to man whore," Dean repeated. "Older women needs loving too and I needs to get paid."
"I see . . . um . . . I'm not sure what sorts of classes are required to be a man whore. Why don't you go to the library and figure it out yourself?"
"You think you could help me doll face?" Dean wiggled his eyebrows.
"Do you think you could survive detention for the rest of the year?" Minerva growled.
"You don't have to do that," Dean purred. "I think you'll find my rates very reasonable."
"With Filch," Minerva said with a satisfied smile. "Are we clear?"
"I don't do guys," Dean said quickly.
"And I don't do students."
"Clear Professor," Dean sighed. "Which section of the library do you recommend?"
"The Malfoy collection is mostly dedicated to male cosmetics," Minerva said reluctantly. "I'll write you a note."
"Thanks Professor."
"What else am I going to have to deal with today?" Minerva asked herself as she walked towards the Great Hall for her breakfast.
She walked into the Great Hall and had a rather sedate breakfast until Hermione and Luna arrived.
"Good morning Hermione." Minerva said as she walked up to the Gryffindor table. "I was hoping that you could answer a quick question."
"Luna is sitting on my lap because we compromised," Hermione said trying desperately to ignore the blond nuzzling her cheek. "You don't want to know what she wanted to do."
"Hmmm? I'm sure that it's nothing that would shock me," Minerva said, "Ms. Lovegood is a properly demure young maiden after all."
"Demure?" Hermione squeaked.
"Compared to her parents and nearly every other Lovegood I've known she's rather inhibited," Minerva agreed, "at least you two aren't shagging on the staff table like her parents used to. Heh, they seemed to take the Headmaster's admonition to 'just ignore them' as a challenge, I tell you that's one month I'll never forget . . ."
"Hmmm?" Luna gave the staff table a speculative look.
"No Luna," Hermione said automatically. Not noticing how her arm tightened possessively around the blonde witch.
"Awwww." Luna said, with a hint of a smile.
"And don't get me started on her great aunt," McGonagall continued, "the woman who decided that she was in love with half of Hufflepuff house."
"They're all very happy together," Luna said primly, "except Uncle Gimpy . . . but Aunty says he'll eventually accept his fate and stop trying to escape."
"Tell them I said hi," Minerva said absently, "no I wanted to ask you something else."
"What is it Professor?" Hermione asked.
"I've arranged a set of private quarters for you, Mr. Potter, and your betrothed."
"And?"
"I wanted to know if you wanted to set up a secure floo to your apartment," Minerva explained, "so long as you all go to your quarters every night then there is no need for me to check up on where you actually sleep."
"I see . . . thank you Professor, I'd appreciate that."
"No problem Hermione."
"One more thing."
"Yes Professor?"
"You wouldn't happen to know where Mr. Potter is would you?"
"He's out taking care of something for someone," Hermione said with a weak smile, "I can say that it may have something to do with wards or security consulting."
"I understand," Minerva laughed, "when you see him could you tell him that the Headmaster suggested he have the soul fragment removed as soon as possible? To be quite frank that sounds like a sensible suggestion to me, who knows how Harry could be affected by that horrid thing."
"I will Professor," Hermione agreed.
"Don't bother," Luna muttered as she kissed Hermione's jaw.
"Why not Luna?" Hermione asked in frustration. "Don't we want to get that fragment out of Harry's head as soon as we can?"
"If it was still there," Luna agreed as she lightly bit Hermione's ear lobe.
"It's not?"
"Of course not Hermione," Luna said with a hurt look on her face, "I got rid of it as soon as I was aware it existed . . . and the ones in the items you had, I only need to get the ones Professor Dumbledore collected."
"You already destroyed them," Hermione said flatly, "of course."
"They were icky and nasty and hurting Harry," Luna said primly, "of course I destroyed the soul fragments."
"Then why did you ask me to pass that message along to Dumbledore?" Hermione demanded.
"So he felt useful of course and so we could destroy the ones he had," Luna replied, "I thought you knew that." Luna turned to McGonagall with a smirk on her face. "She did actually, but Hermione likes to play it cool . . . like the way she pretended that she had to learn my family spells to destroy Voldemort."
"You mean I didn't?" Hermione asked faintly.
"Of course not," Luna laughed, "you could have just asked me to do it for you. It's not like I would have said no, is it? You know I'd do anything for you." Luna melted against her betrothed and sent her a heated look.
"Urk . . . I . . . I need to lie down." Hermione said, blushing under the attention and naked emotions Luna displayed.
"Yay," Luna cheered, "if you'll excuse us Professor. It seems that Hermione is feeling frisky."
"I hate to interrupt your plans," Minerva said dryly, doing her best to keep from smiling at the look on Hermione's face, "but after you get Hermione back to you new rooms would you mind coming with me to the Headmaster's office to remove the soul fragments from the items in his possession? Unless of course Hermione would rather do it."
"I'd better do it," Luna said reluctantly, "it would take Hermione a minimum of six months to learn enough to do it right . . . that's another reason I knew Hermione really wanted this engagement, she's smart enough to know that soul magic is too complicated to learn in a week and without a firm grounding in dark magic."
"Meep." Hermione's eyes widened in shock.
"Yes I know Ms. Lovegood," Minerva said, doing her best to keep the laughter down, "she likes to play things cool."
"Isn't it adorable," Luna cooed.
"Quite," Minerva agreed, "why don't I show you to your new rooms? I'll have Mr. Potter shown the way after he returns."
"Okay Professor."
"Let's get the soul fragments destroyed first," Hermione suggested. "I'll rest much better knowing that those nasty things are out of the way."
"If you like," Minerva agreed.
"Come on hurry up," Luna demanded. She grabbed Hermione's arm to drag her up the hall. "I gotta go soon so we need to hurry up."
"Where are you going?"
"I just need to take care of a few things before my big birthday surprise," Luna replied, "come on."
"Okay Luna," Hermione agreed. "When are you getting back?"
"Not till later," Luna replied, "so we won't be able to do anything together until tomorrow."
"We'll have to do something special then," Hermione mused. Inwardly her heart soared at the thought of a night alone with Harry.
"Oh we will Hermione," Luna giggled, "we will."
"I just felt a sudden chill," Hermione said with an odd look on her face, "like I just missed something."
"Can't imagine what."
"Never mind Luna, let's just . . . let's just get this over with."
"If that's what you want," Luna agreed. They went to the Headmaster's office and Hermione watched in fascination as Luna removed and destroyed the fragments of Voldemort's soul. "And that's that," Luna said with a satisfied smile, "but I took too long."
"Oh?"
"Yeah," Luna agreed unhappily. "Well . . . goodbye Hermione," Luna said reluctantly, "I've got to go get things ready for my birthday."
"Do you want my help?"
"I don't want to spoil the surprise," Luna said.
"Okay Luna," Hermione agreed. Planning her own surprise party was exactly the sort of thing she expected from Luna."
IIIIIIIIII
"Master."
"Yes Gretchen?"
"Our people at the Ministry tell us that they're planning an operation against the Dork Lord," Gretchen replied, "no details and no word on when."
"Do you want us to offer our help?" Elizabeth asked. "Master?"
"Damn," Ron sighed, "if . . . if there's a way we can help without putting any of you at risk then offer our help. Is Harry involved?"
"I believe so master," Elizabeth agreed.
"Than I'm going to have a short conversation with Harry tomorrow offering my help," Ron said slowly, "none of you are to get involved."
"But master . . ."
"That's final," Ron snapped, "Mum would never forgive me if I put her grandchildren in any danger and I'd never forgive me if any of you got hurt."
"Yes master."
"Now come here," Ron growled, "disagreement is a punishable offense."
"Yes master," the Dark Bunnies agreed happily.
IIIIIIIIII
"Harry, Luna's already destroyed the loose pieces of Voldemort's soul."
"Then all that's left is the bastard himself," Harry said with a feral grin, "I'll be back as soon as possible."
"You're not going without me," Hermione said firmly. "What if something goes wrong?"
"Then no sense both of us taking the high jump," Harry said philosophically, "someone needs to survive to feed and care for Luna, Crookshanks, and Hedwig."
"I'm going," Hermione said firmly, "Luna can look . . . I'm . . . I'll leave a note for the Dark Bunnies to look out for Luna and the pets. You aren't going without me Harry Potter."
"Fine," Harry agreed, "but if I tell you to run, then you get out of there understand?"
"I'm not leaving you, Harry. I can't imagine a life without you in it and if you're the kind of man that would leave his two beautiful wives as widows . . . then you're not the man I accidentally married and betrothed Luna to!"
"I'll be right behind you covering the retreat," he lied, "this is just a recce. We aren't looking for trouble, we just want to get a look around before we get Bones and as many Aurors as she can dig up. I've already sent her a floo to let her know what's going on."
"Okay Harry," she agreed, exhaling in relief. "I thought . . ."
"That I can't learn from experience?" Thinking of the difference between this time as opposed to their disastrous incursion in the ministry. 'I'm going in with my eyes wide open this time and I'm not letting that bastard get a shot at anyone I care for.'
"Everyone has blind spots," she retorted.
"True." He bit his tongue to prevent the comment about Luna from slipping out. "Come on, let's get ready."
"We have to hurry," Hermione said, "we still have to get Luna something for her birthday."
"I may have a line on that," Harry replied.
"Oh?"
"Yeah," he agreed, "I'll tell you about it when we get back."
IIIIIIIIII
"Okay People," Amelia used her command voice to get attention. "As of now the Minister has ordered this building to go on lockdown." Aurors looked up from their desks to watch Fred walk in with his retinue of bodyguards.
"Good evening," he said with a grin, "I like to start these thing off with a joke so if you'll direct your attention to the fact that I was the best candidate in the election . . ." He paused for the laughter that failed to materialize as everyone looked at him with pride. "Okay people, here's the thing. We have a chance to end the threat of Voldemort forever. Harry Potter has our former Dark Lord trapped behind some sort of ward and he's currently scouting out the compound for our forces."
"Sir, sorry for interrupting." Tonks said raising her hand, "but do we know how many Death Eaters he has?"
"Not yet," Fred replied, "Harry hopes to have this information for us when he gets back."
"What if he doesn't?" Tonks asked, worried about the black haired man she had helped protect and watch over for so long, until him and his wife has started to do the same for her.
"Then the ward stays up and I put up a dozen statues and monuments to him," Fred replied, "the threat of that would motivate Harry to escape from hell. Boy's too modest sometimes. So here's the plan, I take a bunch of you to the evil scary house, we stomp the hell out of the Death Eaters, and everyone comes back for punch and pie . . . questions?"
"One," Amelia agreed, after the cheering had died down. "why are you going along?"
"Because you're staying here," Fred said firmly. "And a law so new the ink is wet states that as you're next in line to become Minister, you stay here where it's safe."
"Sir," Amelia said, "I have to protest . . ."
"Fine," Fred agreed, "write up a nice long letter while the rest of us are gone. The days of incompetent leadership are not going to come back around if I have anything to say about it and that means keeping someone with their head on straight out of the line of fire and ready to take the helm if the worst should happen."
"Understood sir."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry and Hermione crept through the eerily silent Riddle mansion. "Look at all the dust," Hermione whispered.
"Like no one's been here for a while," Harry agreed, "you think they escaped?"
"I don't see how," Hermione replied. They rounded a corner and stopped cold at the sight that awaited them.
"Son of a bitch," Harry whispered in shock. He looked at the candy jar they'd dropped off on their previous visit and then down at what at first appeared to be a pile of filthy robes on the floor.
"What is it?" Hermione rushed over to her friend. "Oh . . . well."
"Yeah," Harry agreed looking down at the body of his hated foe. "Turns out he was a diabetic."
"And allergic to citrus," Hermione added after a quick forensic charm. "You don't think?"
"I try not to," Harry agreed.
"But . . ."
"Ask Professor McGonagall about it later, I'm really not up to dealing with . . . that sort of thing at the moment."
"Okay Harry."
IIIIIIIIII
"Harry Potter sent this to you sir," one of the flunkies gave Fred a package.
"That magnificent overachieving bastard," Fred laughed, "seems you'll get your wish Amelia."
"You grew some sense and agreed that the Minister is the wrong person to command a raid on Voldemort?"
"Always agreed with that," Fred said, "that's why I was gonna stick Moody with all the heavy lifting."
"Then what?"
"Here." He handed her the box. "I suppose I should be making a tasteless joke about getting ahead or something but . . ."
"Dork Lord Voldemort I presume," Amelia said with a smile, "what does Mr. Potter say in his note?"
"That he had nothing to do with it and that Voldemort was dead when he got there," Fred laughed, "raid's canceled everyone. Harry Potter saved us all and the bloody bastard did it without us, punch and pie for everyone."
Cheers rang out as the assembled forces celebrated the end of the Death Eater era.
"He's gonna be angry when he hears about that statement isn't he?"
"Totally," Fred agreed, "maybe then the bastard will learn to go into danger with a bloody great group of Aurors. Might have to put up a few bloody statues of him anyway, least until he learns not to do this kind of thing on his own."
"You think the note was telling the truth?" Amelia asked, "and that Voldemort was dead when he got there?"
"With Harry's luck?" Fred snorted at the thought of Harry having that much luck. 'Take a bloody seer to keep that boy occupied and out of trouble.'
"Never mind sir," Amelia agreed, "I really need to learn to think before I speak."
"How many times have I told you to call me Fred?"
"Sorry about that Fred," Amelia said with a blush.
"Forget about it."
IIIIIIIIII
"Professor?"
"Yes Hermione?"
"I just wanted to know who's idea it was to have the Headmaster study lemon drops?"
"Oh Ms. Lovegood suggested it," McGonagall replied. "I'm somewhat ashamed I didn't get the idea myself. Albus's love of lemon drops is fairly well known and telling him that they would lead to the defeat of Vol . . .demort was the only way to convince him to take the time to study the issue."
"It was Luna's idea?" Hermione asked in shock.
"I believe I just said that," McGonagall said dryly.
"Thank you Professor," Harry said.
"Not a problem Mr. Potter."
Harry led the shell shocked Hermione back to their apartment and erected several privacy charms before beginning the conversation.
"We'll have to remember to thank her later," Harry mused, "do you know where she is?"
"She said she had plans tonight," Hermione replied absently, still lost in thought, "and not to wait up for her."
"We'll have to get her something extra special for her birthday then," Harry said, "wanna go 'shopping' later?"
"Well . . . Luna isn't going to be around, so we don't have to worry about her catching on and spoiling the surprise."
"Luna likes strange creatures right?"
"Yeah?"
"I hear that there is a family in France with a statue that will morph itself into any creature it's been in contact with."
"That's perfect for Luna," Hermione agreed, "but how well known is it?"
"Found a reference to it in Malfoy's diary," Harry said, "guess they're related somehow."
"Everyone is related in the bloody inbred world of magic," Hermione snorted, "is the family . . . uh . . . deserving of a visit?"
"They're a family of magical mimes."
"Can we loot them to the bedrock Harry?" Hermione begged. "I'll do that thing you like."
"After Luna's birthday maybe," Harry agreed.
"Yay . . . oh god," Hermione gasped.
"Been spending a bit too much time around Luna lately hmmm?"
"Not another word," she replied through clenched teeth.
"But . . ."
"Not one."
"Fine," he agreed, "I'm gonna go use the bathroom and then we can leave."
"I'll be ready," she agreed.
"Great." He returned a few minutes later to find his partner costumed and ready to go. "Got dressed without me huh?" Harry asked his costumed partner who nodded in reply. "Let's go then."
IIIIIIIIII
"Everyone drink till you can't feel feelings," Amelia screamed, "woo hoo."
"What'd you spike the punch with?" Tonks whispered.
"Nothing," Fred whispered back, "and so far as I can tell no one else did either . . . she's been under a lot of stress lately."
"Oh . . . I'll make sure she gets home and stays out of trouble."
"Put her in her office with a silencing charm," Fred advised, "I know she keeps a cot in the closet and who knows what her wards will do to you."
"Right," Tonks agreed, "thanks Fred."
"No problem."
IIIIIIIIII
"Another good night's work eh' Fox?" Harry said as they returned to their apartments. "Though I am wondering why you've been so silent, it's not like you." Harry waited a few moments. "And ignoring that is definitely not like you."
"Petrificus Totalus," the Fox said in a voice that did not belong to Hermione. Ignoring Harry's frozen look of surprise, she turned to the bed. "Finite Incantatem," she incanted. If they could, Harry's eyes would have widened at the sight revealed. Hermione was tied to the frame of their bed and had a large rubber ball gag in her mouth. "And that's that," the Fox said as she removed her mask to reveal the smiling face of Luna Lovegood.
"Mhmuph," Hermione growled.
"Don't worry Hermione," Luna said as she kissed the other girl on the tip of her nose. "I'll be gentle."
"MPHEHIGH." That did not seem to be calming the other girl down, although her struggles seem to lack any real strength.
"And don't think I've forgotten you Harry," Luna said with a glance at the frozen boy, whom she carefully positioned so he could see the bed. "You can join in after we've warmed things up. Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me . . ."
Several very . . . eventful and active hours later . . .
"Hermione?" Harry asked with a lazy grin.
"Yes, Harry?" Hermione practically purred, a slightly shocked smile still on her face.
"When did you promise Luna that she could uh . . ."
"Ravish us both?" Hermione suggested, stroking the hair of the sleeping witch curled up between them.
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "She said you mentioned that she could have it as a birthday present."
"I never . . . oh bugger."
"Mmm'later," Luna mumbled in her sleep. "I'm too tired right now."
Epilogue . . .
After Luna recovered from the through ravishing she gave to her betrothed, she walked over to Tonk's apartment to teach her a few spells.
"Uh Luna . . ."
"Yes Tonks?"
"These look like Potter family spells?"
"Oh they are," Luna said happily, "congratulations. I wasn't sure if I got married before I went into the past and lost my memory."
Hermione was not amused . . .
"I thought I told you that you weren't allowed to marry, propose, or accept proposals from anyone Luna?" She demanded.
"But Tonks was already engaged," Luna protested, "and since she's me from the future . . ."
"She's not you from the future Luna," Hermione said through clenched teeth.
"She's not?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
"Oh . . . how embarrassing to be tricked like that," Luna said with a blush, "Tonks you naughty girl, tricking me like that."
"I . . . but . . . I . . ."
"Damn it Tonks," Hermione growled. "You know how gullible Luna is, I expect you to be the responsible one around here and this is what you do."
"I . . . but . . . she . . . I . . ." Tonks stuttered, wondering exactly how all this had come about and coming to grips with the fact that she wasn't Luna, but she was married to her and Hermione and Harry.
Ginny took things rather well considering . . .
"Mum."
"Yes dear?"
"Are there any Weasley spells that require four girls and Harry Potter?"
"I'll check the spell book."
"Thanks mum."
Draco opened a burger place in Hogsmead. Most of his classmates figured that the manager of an average fast food place was about as high a level of inept evil as Draco could aspire to. Course the burgers had about as much Dragon as the burgers in his old job had beef, soy was such a wonderful and cheap substance.
"I'll take a Dragon burger," the seventh year said. "And a strawberry Dragon shake."
"You want fries with that?" The pimply faced teen behind the register asked. "Or you can mega size it for an extra sickle?"
"Why don't we do that."
Dean became the highest priced man whore servicing the over eighty age group . . .
"Yeah baby," Dean cheered, "take it off."
Unfortunately, he and Seamus never did manage to get Neville to replicate the Philosopher's Stone . . .
"Just let me pop my teeth out," the hunch backed old crone agreed, "and then the fun can begin."
"Groovy," Dean agreed.
At least, not so far as they knew . . .
"With this," Daphne cackled, "the era of the Dark Lord Jeremy shall last forever."
"Ohohohohohoho," Neville laughed evilly.
"That's more the way women do it darling," Daphne corrected, "try bwa ha ha."
"Bwahahahahahaha?"
"Better," she purred, "much better."
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA."
"That one was excellent."
"Thanks love."
And as for the Dark Lord Jeremy? His reign of terror continues to this day, as the auror corps and hit wizards have refused all assignments to capture him, stating simply that it's 'Too Perilous!'
"Woo," the topless girl screamed, "I love spring break."
"And I love my life," Ron said, "who wants to play naked twister?"
"Yay."
THE END
AN: Well, that's a lot of writing. Another short fic that became not so short. This is the end but I'm planning to add one more chapter after this for scenes that for one reason or another didn't make it into the fic. Yes, Lemon Drops were 'The Power he Knew Not' and I'm fairly sure this is the first story with that.
The Credits: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, Ben Russell-Gough, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, David Brown, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, khadon99, Shawn Pickett, tekobaka, Freddie, Musings of Apathy, ubereng, Brian Arcis, Shalon Wood, SP, D.J. Thorens, Fenris, Pelel, peterson9803, Andrew Joshua Talon, shinji the good sharer, and everyone on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster as well as several others. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos. And still another goes to neil.reynolds who wrote a large number of scenes. Yet another goes to The Resident who was good enough to do a bit of editing and caught several of my mistakes. Still more go to Andrew Joshua Talon who wrote much (most) of the subplot with Narcissa, Remus, and Draco.
Omake: Love . . . Good?
"You don't know what the Lovegood family spells are?" Luna asked in shock.
"I always assumed it was the ability to see the future."
"Of course not," Luna said quickly. That was more of a blood line ability, no spells involved at all. "The Lovegood family spells mostly revolve around causing pleasure. We're related to the Weasley family, one son took over the fertility magic and the other took the fun stuff . . . not that there isn't a bit of overlap."
"But . . . your names . . ."
"Oh that, well about a thousand years ago the Dark Witch Lillian tried to kill my several greats grandfather."
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"What happened."
"Oh, no one knows. The Dark Witch Lillian stumbled out of my ancestor's house three days latter and said the words Love . . . good before passing out. They were married three weeks later as part of the peace accords."
Omake: Luna's family spells . . .
"Of course I didn't use the Lovegood family magic to see the future Hermione," Luna said in a condescending tone. "The Lovegood family magic is about bringing maximum pleasure to one's spouse . . . or spouses I suppose."
"Then how did you know?"
"I saw it of course." Luna took a sip of her tea.
"Then . . . if it isn't the family magic?"
"Seeing the future is based on genetics not family spells."
Omake by meteoricshipyards
"Harry?"
"Yes, Luna?"
"I've been really bad."
"You haven't been bad, Luna," Hermione said, "cut it out."
"No, I really did something bad this time."
Harry sighed. "What was it this time, Luna."
"I got my notes mixed up. You were supposed to destroy the Horcruxes, and collect the Hallows. Not the other way around."
Omake by neil reynolds
At first Hermione thought Luna was once again nude, but wiping the crust of sleep from her eyes revealed that Luna was fully dressed in a T-shirt and jeans, although it did look like Luna was not wearing a bra.
The reason for Hermione's confusion was that all of Luna's clothes were exactly the same shade, "Luna's flesh tone". As even the metal rivets and the threads were this color it had to have been done with magic.
Hermione was about to question Luna about her mode of dress, when she reconsidered. Every morning, for what seemed like ages, Hermione argued with Luna to cover herself. Every morning she needed half of her shower to regain her mental equilibrium after colliding with the "logic" of Luna's arguments.
This morning Luna was completely dressed. Even if it wasn't in a mode of dress that Hermione would approve, she was completely dressed. Hermione would regard it as a victory, and wouldn't comment on Luna's clothes at all.
After Shooing Luna out of the bedroom, protecting a sleeping Harry's virtue, Hermione took her shower. She never considered that after a few days of moving into the new apartment, she invariably woke up a few minutes before Harry, and took her shower first. Harry would then wake up without being prompted, probably hearing the small sounds that signified that the day had started. He would then start breakfast, and would shower after they ate.
They never planned this arrangement. Hermione probably wouldn't even think about it unless someone brought up a related subject, or something disrupted their schedule. The two of them had drifted into their behavior, and luckily they tumbled into an arrangement that fitted without discommoding either of them.
Neither of them commented, or even thought how wonderful it was that their mornings fitted together so well. They took it for granted. However, in the matter of the position of the lid of the toilet seat... .
Harry had grown up in a house with three males and one female, so Petunia gave up training Vernon before the children could understand words. Hermione grew up in a family where the one male had acquiesced to please his wife, before Hermione was old enough to realize it had been a point up for contention, and assumed it was to be expected that the toilet seat would always be re-lowered.
She was seriously thinking about charming the damned thing to open or close based on the gender of the person entering the room. And why hadn't the backward wizarding world fixed this problem already? She was idly imagining magic which was far beyond anything she knew how to cast; it might be freaky to have the seat move by itself, so why couldn't magic predict who would use it next, and have it move when the room was empty?
Divination was a notoriously wooly subject, but if you accepted that it might sometimes be wrong, it should be possible to create a seat that would be right most of the time. The idea of a probabilistic toilet seat caused her to rename it in her head as Schroedinger's Toilet Seat. Then she corrected herself, and argued that it should be Heisenberg's Toilet Seat. Then she decided that that sounded like a seat which you could never be sure of its current position, which was the opposite of what she wanted. Then she dropped this train of thought.
Her mind went back to Luna's dress, arguing with herself if she did the right thing. Shouldn't people wear what they want? It was her home, though, so a rule that this wasn't a clothing optional house was fair. But it looked at first if she was naked. But she wasn't. With clothes that tight, people will have a good idea what Luna'd look like naked. People would be able to do the same even if her clothes were un-tinted, and she wasn't going to try and prevent people from wearing tight clothes. With clothes like that, it would encourage people to imagine Luna nude. Would Hermione have objected if Luna had worn a T-shirt that read "Imagine what my bare breasts look like"? No, if Luna had worn such a T-shirt then Hermione wouldn't have objected; therefore she couldn't object now.
Satisfied with her logic, she could now shove the issue of today's outfit from her mind.
Throughout breakfast, Hermione kept swiveling her head to look at Luna, thinking she saw something out of the corner of her eye, just for a second. She could have sworn that at the two areas of greatest protuberance, she could suddenly see one darkened reddish pink circles centered there.
It wasn't until after breakfast that she was looking directly at Luna when, for literally half a second, the color of part of her jeans turned a lacy pattern of mostly white, and a bit of pink. The contour of the zipper, and the other fittings and oddities of the shape of jeans assured her that only the surface color of the jeans had changed, but for a moment it looked like Luna had only been wearing rather skimpy white lace panties.
Without explaining to Harry, who hadn't seen the transformation, but who knew what he had noticed during breakfast, Hermione dragged Luna into the bedroom and closed the door.
Luna cooperated. The last thing Harry heard before the door shut was Luna asking, "Oh, goody! Is it time for the kinky sex now?"
Hermione ignored the distracting conversational diversion. "Luna, why are your clothes that color?"
"You said it was about 'giving a hint of skin' and prompting the imagination to do the rest. I thought about charming my clothes to become invisible for a second on some random schedule; but the disillusionment charm is both difficult, and finicky to modification. So instead, I'm using a color changing charm, they're so much easier. At random intervals my shirt produces circles the size, color, and relative placement of my aureoles, and my jeans have four effects; white lace panties, black lace panties, red solid g-string, and triangular patch matching my hair color."
.o(O)o.
I have no idea how Hermione should respond here. I would have liked to direct the argument to the point where Luna corrects Hermione, saying one of the points was to make Hermione (not just Harry) think about a nude Luna, and Hermione realizing that she'd succeeded for most of the morning.
Hermione also briefly slipped into the role of older sister in episode 44 teaching Luna how to attract men, and I'd have liked to continue that here. Perhaps trying to suggest the idea of subtlety. Luna, of course, will follow up doing something bloody obvious that she thinks is subtle, because they never noticed how cleverly she disguised the charm against nargles or some such.
I also thought about Luna's claim that she needed Hermione's approval first, and since Hermione is at least primarily heterosexual that would involve inappropriate items like strap ons. This could lead to her actually being subtle in seducing Hermione while being obvious to her unintended collateral target, Harry. Hermione exhorting her to greater subtlety, not realizing Luna was being subtle.
On further consideration, can anyone see Luna trying to dress overtly masculine? What would that entail? Plaid shirts, dusty jeans, tool belt? Does anyone think a scatterbrained Luna would look anything but feminine when dressed in men's clothes? After all, she wouldn't think of changing her hair, or binding her chest. If that failed, she could dress in 14th century garb, with a codpiece designed to make clergy faint.
If anyone writes a scene where Luna changes clothes in front of Hermione, if Luna is wearing undergarments, would you consider making them plain white, with pairs of hands magically painted on? One hand painted as if it were holding up one breast, and one hand resting comfortably on at least one buttock? "But, Hermione, I thought women wore exciting undergarments even if their lovers wouldn't see them, in order to make themselves feel sexy?"
Omake by neil reynolds
Hermione tried to get the Lovegood family spells alone. She had no trouble bypassing the wards and circumventing the traps, but she was captured by the completely muggle glue and chloroform.
She came around, gagged (ball gag?) and tied to the bed. Luna, over several paragraphs caressed her cheeck while telling her how she reminded her of her dear Hermione. Telling her that if Luna closed her eyes, she could almost imagine she had Hermione tied to the bed.
Luna leaned over with her eyes shut to kiss Hermione, before stopping, and commenting that it wouldn't be fair to Hermione to pretend her captive was Hermione.
Hermione's relief was short lived, when Luna declared, "However, all this self-abstention on my part, just to make Hermione comfortable, has left me about to explode, so I guess I'll have to ravish you without pretending you're Hermione. I'll be right back; I'm just going to the bathroom to change into something more appropriate."
As the bathroom door closed, Hermione heard Luna call out, "The scissors you'll need to escape the ropes, are on the side table to the left of your head."