Introducing…
The Super-Duper Really Excruciatingly Cliché Version Of New Moon!
Chapter One: Eddie Goes Bye-Bye
Edward: I don't love you, Bella.
Bella: Excuz-eh moi, WHAT?
Edward: I'm leaving. Bye!
Bella: HOLY HELL, NOOOO! SOB!
Chapter Two: Jacob The Creeper
Jacob: BELLA! Even though you're TOTALLY depressed since that leech-that-does-not-deserve-to-be-named left you and you don't love me, I'm gonna pretend to imprint on you!
Bella: Wait, what?
Jacob: MARRY ME!
Bella: No! I love Edward, and ONLY Edward, no matter what happens! Even though he said he doesn't love me and he left for eternity! You can't make me marry you!
Jacob: Oh yes, I will. One day, I SHALL! -maniacal laugh-
-a week later-
Bella: Like, ehmagawd, life SUCKS. I'm gonna go for a walk in the woods near my house even though Edward told me not to – OMG, EDWARD! -sobsobsob-
-walks deep into woods-
-Jacob magically appears from behind a rock-
Jacob: Bella! I told you I would find you. Muahahaha, you are MINE!
-forces mouth on hers, similar to like what happened in Eclipse-
Bella: JACOB! YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE A RAPIST! And you're only SIXTEEN!
Jacob: I am not a rapist! And who cares if I'm sixteen.
Bella: You suck balls, Jake. I can't believe you. You're not my friend anymore!
-Bella stomps off-
Jacob: But, but, but, BELLA! I LOVE you!
Bella: Whatever. -cutcutcut-
-Jacob walks away-
-sees random 'familiar' girl on street and falls in love-
Jacob: Like, woah! I'm IMPRINTING! For realz!
-walks up to familiar girl-
Jacob: I LOVE YOU.
-makes out-
-gets married-
-has babies-
Chapter Three: Suicidal Bella
Bella: I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!
-jumps off cliff-
-Alice randomly flies in and saves Bella-
Alice: WOAH, Bella, you almost like, killed yourself there.
Bella: ALICE! -hughughug-
Alice: So, Edward's like, a freaking mess without you. He curls up in a fetal position and wallows in depression all day.
Bella: WAIT. I thought he didn't love me?
Alice: That was a lie, silly! He does want you.
Bella: -lightbulb flickers on over head- OMG! LET'S GO TO HIM!
Alice: Okay!
-at the Cullen's house-
Alice: Oh, Eddie-poo? You'll never guess who I have here!
Carlisle: Edward left for Volterra, Alice. He's gonna kill himself.
Bella: WHAT?!
Alice: Like, wow, how did I not see that coming?
Bella: Let's go save him, Alice!
-at the Volturi-
Edward: Kill me, O great ones!
Bella: NO! EDWARD! -jumps on him-
Edward: Bella!
Volturi people: -bored to invisible tears- So you don't wanna die?
Edward: Nope!
-insert BellaxEdward smutty lemon here, totally ignoring the fact that he thinks he'll kill Bella and that the whole city is watching them-
Chapter Four: Emo Jacob
Jacob: -sob- Like, OMG, the girl I imprinted on left me, even though that's like, impossible! I'm gonna go jump off a cliff just to see what happens since I have no life whatsoever!
THE END!
A/N: That was fun! :D