Disclaimer: Disney owns all. I own nothing.
Rating: Back to G.
Kuzco sat rigidly at the head of the breakfast table, looking across at Alexandria, neither one wanting to break the silence and wish the other the traditional "good morning." I won't break, thought Kuzco, ignoring the pleading looks that Kuta was sending him across the room. I WON'T. His wife was stirring a strong-smelling drink with a spoon, seemingly unaware of the fact that he had entered the room.
The past night's wedding festivities were spent in relative gloom for the wedded couple despite the glamour and expense put in to them, peppered with sarcastic quips from both the bride and groom. The climax of the evening had come when the newly wedded couple traditionally fed each other slices of the wedding cake.
Frosting was STILL oozing out of Kuzco's ear, and the royal physician had had to work late into the night to remove a candy rose from Alexandria's left nostril.
Any scruples the couple may have had that could have resulted in a truce were officially shot. This was WAR, and since Pacha had left with his family directly after the wedding, there was no one to check his conscience. Kuzco looked at her critically, eyes narrowed. Her pretty face was bland, her hair perfectly arranged. She sipped her drink, then sprinkled salt on her egg before taking a dainty bite. The silence in the room was deafening.
Kuzco stared at her, watching her cut the egg and play with the shards. She looked up and narrowed her eyes. "Honey, what are you staring at?"
Kuzco kept his face perfectly straight. "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality," he replied, deadpan.
Alexandria dabbed her lips with a napkin. "Honey," she said, leaning forward, "do I have the facial expression of someone who cares? No? Splendid." She turned back to her tea and brandy.
Furious, Kuzco opened his mouth to give a retort, but was interrupted when Kronk practically danced into the room, a cheese and egg soufflé in his mitt-covered hands. "Clay oven, indecent temperatures, slammed the oven door twice, and this baby STILL didn't fall!"
"That's great, Kronk," Kuzco didn't even have the heart to tease him that morning. "By the way, have you met Alexandria yet?"
At the mention of her name, Alexandria looked up and dropped her teacup, startled, looking straight at Kronk, and screamed. "Good LORD! Kuzco, they're two of you!"
Kronk jumped. "Another Kuzco? Where!?" He nearly dropped the soufflé as he looked around frantically.
Why me? Kuzco thought, despairingly. Why??? Why???!!! "There is JUST ONE OF ME!!!" He yelled, startling the pair out of their hallucinations. "Dumb and dumber, meet drunk and delusional," he added with a flourish.
"Charmed," Kronk said with a warm smile, bowing slightly. "So. Do you go by D&D, or just by-"
Who was the genius behind the engineering of THIS guy's mind? "Ah, Kronk," Kuzco said with a slight roll of his eyes, "why don't you serve the food?"
"Oh. yeah." Kronk took a spatula and lifted portions of the steaming-hot dish on their plates, and the two began to eat. Kuta, ever the peacemaker, lunged forward in an attempt to procure conversation.
"How did your majesties sleep last night?" he asked, as if he wasn't the one who had had to call the royal physician after two in the morning.
"Mmph," they both said.
"You know, your majesty," mentioned Kuta turning to Alexandria, "there are plenty of activities to be done here in the palace today. As you know, you ARE our new empress, and on behalf of the entire staff, we welcome your august imperial regal statuesque person into our midst...."
WHY does his voice drone like that? Kuzco wondered as Kuta's voice slowly morphed into a high-pitched robotic whine. He cocked his head, inspecting the man's flapping jowls and gums, which wiggled emphatically as he spoke. Good grief, the man hasn't a tooth left in the back of his mouth! And WHEN is he going to run out of adjectives? Alexandria was staring at him as well, her pretty face wrinkled into an expression of extreme concentration.
"....and there is much to be admired in our majesty Emperor Kuzco's choice of such a beautiful, elegant, well-bred lady..."
"Kata," Alexandria broke in, still looking puzzled.
"Actually, my lady- that is your highness, your grace, it's Kuta."
"I beg pardon, Kupa. Anyway, honey, I didn't understand a WORD of what you just said."
Kuzco, to his horror, nearly smiled. The chick was evil, but she was so dense, it was funny sometimes.
Kuta tried to stammer out some kind of reply, Alexandria staring at him in profound astonishment. "Maybe you shouldn't talk, " she said sincerely, in a gentle tone. "Just stand there and be decorative. Like....children, you know?" She turned to Kronk. "Did you get what he said, honey?"
"Who, milady?"
"Kupa."
"Who's Kupa?"
"He's right there!"
"Where?"
"There!"
"Oh, behind Kuta?"
"Who's Kuta, honey?"
Kuzco quickly got up and exited from the room before he broke into laughter. (He didn't succeed, if the look on his wife's face when he shut the door was any indication. She didn't much like being laughed at.) Apparently, he was surrounded by idiots. He strolled into the garden, enjoying the warm sun on his face, then pulled off his robe and lay there, soaking in the rays.
All of a sudden, just as he was getting to sleep, he felt a sharp prod in his lower ribs. "Ow!" he squalled, jumping up.
Alexandria was standing there, her nose buried in the petals of a tall iris, her head protected by a large white sunshade held up by three attendants. Her eyes were wide and innocent. "Honey, what's the matter? Did a bee sting you?"
"Hmph," said Kuzco, glaring down at her pointed shoes. He watched Alexandria glide away, towards the greenhouses (did they have greenhouses back then??) and enter with her attendants, the guards shutting the door behind her.
Kuzco leapt to his feet, intending to follow her and give her a piece of his mind- then he had a better idea. He ran to the nearest gong and hit it, ringing for the gardener. The little man showed up almost instantly, standing with his chest puffed out.
"Loza!"
"Yes, your majesty?"
"Water the greenhouses- now. They seem a little dry."
"Yes, your majesty."
Kuzco watched as the little man climbed up to the greenhouse roof and beat out a rapid tattoo on the gong that stood there. Immediately, twenty servants showed up, each bearing an enormous pail of water, liberally laced with llama fertilizer- on their shoulders.
"WATER!!" Loza bellowed.
The men instantly turned over their pails and basins, pouring them on the roof. They leaked through the stippled holes in the roof, drenching the plants inside.
The shriek that emitted from the greenhouse made all the men topple off.
Kuzco turned to leave, a satisfied smirk on his face.
He could still hear feminine screams after he had entered the palace.
************************************
It was lunchtime before Kuzco saw Alexandria again, this time dressed in a new, dry robe. Her hair, still slightly wet, was pulled back from her face, which was slightly flushed. Kuta, no doubt, had ordered the small, intimate table for two in the anterchamber of the palace, complete with an elegant black-tie service. In no time, they were served with the first course, a delicate onion soup.
Alexandria had made no reference to the drenching she'd gotten that morning- in fact, she'd greeted Kuzco (although she was looking at a statue of him) when she got to the table.
Kuzco stared at her suspiciously, but when she simply dug into her soup and sipped her margarita, he relaxed. Maybe she didn't know it was him who had ordered the drenching- although his howls of laughter when she'd passed him, dripping, in the hall should have made that pretty clear. Then again, it WAS Alexandria. Kuzco relaxed and took a sip of his food.
"Needs more salt," he muttered. Looking around for a servant and seeing none, due to Kuta's orders to 'leave them alone!' he stood up and reached across the table for the salt himself. He grabbed the clay dish, and sat down- on the floor, hard.
"OW!" he complained, rubbing his backside. Then he felt something icy and wet fall on his face. He licked his lips. Margarita.
Narrowing his eyes, he hoisted himself up and glared at his wife, but she was taking a dainty bite of bread and watching the movements of a nearby butterfly.
Kuzco chose not to say anything and put his nose up in the air, then grabbed his napkin and wiped the liquid off his face. He dropped the linen square in his lap and took a huge bite out of his bread- then nearly chipped his tooth on the rock inside it.
Alexandria was tipping her bowl back now, getting the last drops of soup into her spoon. Her face was as unreadable as a nun's.
Kuzco picked up his spoon, determined to ignore her, and took a mouthful of soup- then spit it out instantly, as it was full of SOAP. He picked up his napkin again, this time wiping his tongue with it. Still attempting to look dignified, he picked up his drinking goblet and took a sip, trying to get the disgusting flavor out of his mouth.
This time, he spit the liquid clean across the room, then ran and dunked his head in the pool of a nearby fountain. The drink was laced with cayenne pepper!
Kuzco felt his way blindly back to the table, groping for his napkin and rubbing his face dry with it. He looked up. Alexandria was sipping from her glass, looking at him over the rim, clearly trying to hide a smirk. To his disgust, he felt a sudden surge of admiration- she would have had to manage all this in the two or three seconds he'd spent on the floor. A true professional. He gave her a single, grudging nod.
Alexandria pulled a small jewel-encrusted mirror out of her robes, her eyes brimming with laughter, then handed it to him. He took it and looked at his reflection, and his jaw nearly hit the table.
Long, heavy black streaks covered his face and neck. He stuck out his tongue. It was covered as well. He glanced at the napkin he'd been using all that time. What he'd thought was embroidery was actually a dark ink- and it had smeared off on his face and tongue.
Shaking, Kuzco took a deep, calming breath, then counted to ten and opened his mouth.
Alexandria managed to leave the table and take cover before Kuzco's scream shattered every window in the room.
"MY FACE!!! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!!!!"
Please review!! More on Kuzco and Alexandria's "marital bliss" to come! Will update soon!
Rating: Back to G.
Kuzco sat rigidly at the head of the breakfast table, looking across at Alexandria, neither one wanting to break the silence and wish the other the traditional "good morning." I won't break, thought Kuzco, ignoring the pleading looks that Kuta was sending him across the room. I WON'T. His wife was stirring a strong-smelling drink with a spoon, seemingly unaware of the fact that he had entered the room.
The past night's wedding festivities were spent in relative gloom for the wedded couple despite the glamour and expense put in to them, peppered with sarcastic quips from both the bride and groom. The climax of the evening had come when the newly wedded couple traditionally fed each other slices of the wedding cake.
Frosting was STILL oozing out of Kuzco's ear, and the royal physician had had to work late into the night to remove a candy rose from Alexandria's left nostril.
Any scruples the couple may have had that could have resulted in a truce were officially shot. This was WAR, and since Pacha had left with his family directly after the wedding, there was no one to check his conscience. Kuzco looked at her critically, eyes narrowed. Her pretty face was bland, her hair perfectly arranged. She sipped her drink, then sprinkled salt on her egg before taking a dainty bite. The silence in the room was deafening.
Kuzco stared at her, watching her cut the egg and play with the shards. She looked up and narrowed her eyes. "Honey, what are you staring at?"
Kuzco kept his face perfectly straight. "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality," he replied, deadpan.
Alexandria dabbed her lips with a napkin. "Honey," she said, leaning forward, "do I have the facial expression of someone who cares? No? Splendid." She turned back to her tea and brandy.
Furious, Kuzco opened his mouth to give a retort, but was interrupted when Kronk practically danced into the room, a cheese and egg soufflé in his mitt-covered hands. "Clay oven, indecent temperatures, slammed the oven door twice, and this baby STILL didn't fall!"
"That's great, Kronk," Kuzco didn't even have the heart to tease him that morning. "By the way, have you met Alexandria yet?"
At the mention of her name, Alexandria looked up and dropped her teacup, startled, looking straight at Kronk, and screamed. "Good LORD! Kuzco, they're two of you!"
Kronk jumped. "Another Kuzco? Where!?" He nearly dropped the soufflé as he looked around frantically.
Why me? Kuzco thought, despairingly. Why??? Why???!!! "There is JUST ONE OF ME!!!" He yelled, startling the pair out of their hallucinations. "Dumb and dumber, meet drunk and delusional," he added with a flourish.
"Charmed," Kronk said with a warm smile, bowing slightly. "So. Do you go by D&D, or just by-"
Who was the genius behind the engineering of THIS guy's mind? "Ah, Kronk," Kuzco said with a slight roll of his eyes, "why don't you serve the food?"
"Oh. yeah." Kronk took a spatula and lifted portions of the steaming-hot dish on their plates, and the two began to eat. Kuta, ever the peacemaker, lunged forward in an attempt to procure conversation.
"How did your majesties sleep last night?" he asked, as if he wasn't the one who had had to call the royal physician after two in the morning.
"Mmph," they both said.
"You know, your majesty," mentioned Kuta turning to Alexandria, "there are plenty of activities to be done here in the palace today. As you know, you ARE our new empress, and on behalf of the entire staff, we welcome your august imperial regal statuesque person into our midst...."
WHY does his voice drone like that? Kuzco wondered as Kuta's voice slowly morphed into a high-pitched robotic whine. He cocked his head, inspecting the man's flapping jowls and gums, which wiggled emphatically as he spoke. Good grief, the man hasn't a tooth left in the back of his mouth! And WHEN is he going to run out of adjectives? Alexandria was staring at him as well, her pretty face wrinkled into an expression of extreme concentration.
"....and there is much to be admired in our majesty Emperor Kuzco's choice of such a beautiful, elegant, well-bred lady..."
"Kata," Alexandria broke in, still looking puzzled.
"Actually, my lady- that is your highness, your grace, it's Kuta."
"I beg pardon, Kupa. Anyway, honey, I didn't understand a WORD of what you just said."
Kuzco, to his horror, nearly smiled. The chick was evil, but she was so dense, it was funny sometimes.
Kuta tried to stammer out some kind of reply, Alexandria staring at him in profound astonishment. "Maybe you shouldn't talk, " she said sincerely, in a gentle tone. "Just stand there and be decorative. Like....children, you know?" She turned to Kronk. "Did you get what he said, honey?"
"Who, milady?"
"Kupa."
"Who's Kupa?"
"He's right there!"
"Where?"
"There!"
"Oh, behind Kuta?"
"Who's Kuta, honey?"
Kuzco quickly got up and exited from the room before he broke into laughter. (He didn't succeed, if the look on his wife's face when he shut the door was any indication. She didn't much like being laughed at.) Apparently, he was surrounded by idiots. He strolled into the garden, enjoying the warm sun on his face, then pulled off his robe and lay there, soaking in the rays.
All of a sudden, just as he was getting to sleep, he felt a sharp prod in his lower ribs. "Ow!" he squalled, jumping up.
Alexandria was standing there, her nose buried in the petals of a tall iris, her head protected by a large white sunshade held up by three attendants. Her eyes were wide and innocent. "Honey, what's the matter? Did a bee sting you?"
"Hmph," said Kuzco, glaring down at her pointed shoes. He watched Alexandria glide away, towards the greenhouses (did they have greenhouses back then??) and enter with her attendants, the guards shutting the door behind her.
Kuzco leapt to his feet, intending to follow her and give her a piece of his mind- then he had a better idea. He ran to the nearest gong and hit it, ringing for the gardener. The little man showed up almost instantly, standing with his chest puffed out.
"Loza!"
"Yes, your majesty?"
"Water the greenhouses- now. They seem a little dry."
"Yes, your majesty."
Kuzco watched as the little man climbed up to the greenhouse roof and beat out a rapid tattoo on the gong that stood there. Immediately, twenty servants showed up, each bearing an enormous pail of water, liberally laced with llama fertilizer- on their shoulders.
"WATER!!" Loza bellowed.
The men instantly turned over their pails and basins, pouring them on the roof. They leaked through the stippled holes in the roof, drenching the plants inside.
The shriek that emitted from the greenhouse made all the men topple off.
Kuzco turned to leave, a satisfied smirk on his face.
He could still hear feminine screams after he had entered the palace.
************************************
It was lunchtime before Kuzco saw Alexandria again, this time dressed in a new, dry robe. Her hair, still slightly wet, was pulled back from her face, which was slightly flushed. Kuta, no doubt, had ordered the small, intimate table for two in the anterchamber of the palace, complete with an elegant black-tie service. In no time, they were served with the first course, a delicate onion soup.
Alexandria had made no reference to the drenching she'd gotten that morning- in fact, she'd greeted Kuzco (although she was looking at a statue of him) when she got to the table.
Kuzco stared at her suspiciously, but when she simply dug into her soup and sipped her margarita, he relaxed. Maybe she didn't know it was him who had ordered the drenching- although his howls of laughter when she'd passed him, dripping, in the hall should have made that pretty clear. Then again, it WAS Alexandria. Kuzco relaxed and took a sip of his food.
"Needs more salt," he muttered. Looking around for a servant and seeing none, due to Kuta's orders to 'leave them alone!' he stood up and reached across the table for the salt himself. He grabbed the clay dish, and sat down- on the floor, hard.
"OW!" he complained, rubbing his backside. Then he felt something icy and wet fall on his face. He licked his lips. Margarita.
Narrowing his eyes, he hoisted himself up and glared at his wife, but she was taking a dainty bite of bread and watching the movements of a nearby butterfly.
Kuzco chose not to say anything and put his nose up in the air, then grabbed his napkin and wiped the liquid off his face. He dropped the linen square in his lap and took a huge bite out of his bread- then nearly chipped his tooth on the rock inside it.
Alexandria was tipping her bowl back now, getting the last drops of soup into her spoon. Her face was as unreadable as a nun's.
Kuzco picked up his spoon, determined to ignore her, and took a mouthful of soup- then spit it out instantly, as it was full of SOAP. He picked up his napkin again, this time wiping his tongue with it. Still attempting to look dignified, he picked up his drinking goblet and took a sip, trying to get the disgusting flavor out of his mouth.
This time, he spit the liquid clean across the room, then ran and dunked his head in the pool of a nearby fountain. The drink was laced with cayenne pepper!
Kuzco felt his way blindly back to the table, groping for his napkin and rubbing his face dry with it. He looked up. Alexandria was sipping from her glass, looking at him over the rim, clearly trying to hide a smirk. To his disgust, he felt a sudden surge of admiration- she would have had to manage all this in the two or three seconds he'd spent on the floor. A true professional. He gave her a single, grudging nod.
Alexandria pulled a small jewel-encrusted mirror out of her robes, her eyes brimming with laughter, then handed it to him. He took it and looked at his reflection, and his jaw nearly hit the table.
Long, heavy black streaks covered his face and neck. He stuck out his tongue. It was covered as well. He glanced at the napkin he'd been using all that time. What he'd thought was embroidery was actually a dark ink- and it had smeared off on his face and tongue.
Shaking, Kuzco took a deep, calming breath, then counted to ten and opened his mouth.
Alexandria managed to leave the table and take cover before Kuzco's scream shattered every window in the room.
"MY FACE!!! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!!!!"
Please review!! More on Kuzco and Alexandria's "marital bliss" to come! Will update soon!