Disclaimer: I do not own, Disney does. Do not sue.
Rating: PG for mention of a planned coup de etat
"Here you are, your highness."
Yzma opened her eyes at the sound of Kronk's voice. After her liberation from the barn, she had been deposited in a basket with a ribbon tied to it, atop a thick, plush cushion. She'd fallen asleep almost immeadiatly- planning a second overthrow took more strength than she could have possibly imagined.
Now, apparently, she was being carried into the empresses' chambers. Rubbing her eyes with her paws, she sat up and peered at the woman sitting on the divan through the haze of silk gauze that covered the top of the basket.
The young woman sitting on the divan and preening into a looking glass was very young, Kuzco's age, and quite pretty. She was dressed to the height of fashion and as a result of her royal upbringing, had all the elegance and grace that Yzma fought vainly to achieve while in human form. She was sipping a martini, and looked bored as Kronk spoke to her.
"Milady, got you a little wedding gift. It's a bit late, I know, but.." Yzma felt herself being lifted upward as Kronk hoisted the basket upward. "Here you go."
"Honey, what's this? Who are you? What are you doing?" The empress apparently hadn't been listening, and Kronk patiently began to repeat himself.
"A...cat?" Yzma heard her say. "Oh, honey, you're going to make me pretend to cry. That's so sweet."
"Thanks, Empress."
There was total silence for a minute.
"Well? You don't expect me to open my own gift, do you?"
Yzma stiffened as Kronk pulled off the covering to her basket and she was instantly exposed to the light of the Empress' chamber. She blinked.
"Here she is, Empress." Kronk said proudly.
"Isn't she lovely. Now take her to the barn."
If Yzma could have seen the expression on her OWN face, she probably would have been very amused. Kronk looked shocked as well. "I-"
"You don't REALLY expect me to keep an animal in my room, do you, honey?" the Empresses' face registered a mixture of profound disbelief and amusement. "It can't be healthy! Just put her in the barn with all the other animal gifts. I'll send someone to visit her once in a while. It was nice of you to think of me though-" and she turned back to filing her nails.
Pleased with the Empress' acceptance of his gift, Kronk bowed and began to back his way out the door. Yzma shook with fury.
"There is NO way I'm going to go back to that filthy, stinking-" she shook her head, seething. When Kronk took one hand off the basket, she saw her chance.
Leaping up in a giant ball of fur, spit, and claws, she cleared the side of the basket and landed on the floor, feet-first, like a...cat. She lifted her tail and made a break for the door.
"Wait!" Kronk was after her like a shot. The Empress got off her divan and hurried to the door to watch the show. Ignoring Kronk, Yzma ran down the hall, stretching out her lean feline frame in what had to be the fastest run in history. She gasped for breath, certain her lungs were about to pop, but managed to reach the end of the hall, where four uniformed guards were waiting with a net.
She skidded to a stop and dug her claws into the wood floor, scrabbling for balance, then swung heavily to the right. She watched in satisfaction as the men crashed into each other and hit the ground, then leapt nimbly over the groaning pile and headed for the East corridor, the one that led to her lab.
"Oh honey, do it again!" she heard the empress shriek at the fallen guards, laughing and clapping. Stupid chit, she thought. She had to be the only cat in the world that could escape an entire slew of the Emporer's imperial guards. She strolled along placidly, trying to look like an ordinary cat, observing the changes that had been made in the palace.
Yzma's face, images, and visage had been removed without a trace from the palace walls, and replaced with Kuzco's old artwork. The hair on her back instantly stood erect, and she was tempted to spit on the portraits, or better yet, scratch them up a bit- but caution told her otherwise. She would have plenty of time to do that once SHE was Empress.
The thought hurried her along, and she reached the East corridor quickly, after little more than a cursory glance from the guards she passed. She slid up to the levers, looking up at them. THIS was going to take some work.
"Which one, which one...." she muttered. Things sure did look different from the floor. Squeezing her eyes shut in concentration, she hopped up onto her hind legs and pulled the lever on the left with her front paws.
As soon as she felt the floor lurch beneath her, she knew she had made a mistake.
"WRONG LEEVVVEEEERRRRR!!!!!!"
*******************
Kuzco was moving into phase one of his Revenge Plan. He had dined with the Empress as usual, and was now walking down the hall of the place to her bedchambers, a covered basket in his arms. As he strolled along, whistling under his breath, guards recoiled, some covering their noses with their mail shirts, some passing out altogether. He waved nonchalantly to each.
"Ooooo yeah, I AM the man...." Kuzco grooved his way into the room and waved away Alexandria's lady-in-waiting, a young, blonde, timid Grecian girl. "You're dismissed, lady! Scram! Begone! In fact, take the rest of the day off!"
She curtsied and fled, holding her nose.
"AND LOCK THE DOOR!!!" he yelled.
Chuckling to himself, he set his basket on the floor and opened it, revealing the oily, rotting sardines inside. He then drew a thin knife from the inside of his cloak, as well as a large embroidery needle and fine silk thread. He walked through Alexandria's main sleeping and sitting rooms, heading for the enormous dressing room that now held all of her robes and dresses. He looked around the room, seizing up the amount of work that had to be done.
"Should I really do this?" he muttered to himself, feeling a slight (very slight!!) pang of conscience. After all, it was all so.....immature. And slightly mean.
Then he saw his reflection in her large, polished Egyptian brass mirror. His face was still streaked with black.
He was doing it, all right.
Kuzco went over to the first box that held her robes, opening the intricately carved cedar lid that rested on top. The delicate smell of the wood filled the air, along with the exotic-smelling spices the gowns were packed in. "They won't be smelling like this for long, lady." He took out his knife and went to work.
An hour and a half later, Kuzco looked around that same room, surveying his handiwork with pride. The room looked virtually undisturbed. Every box, every hanging garment, every sandal, every slipper had been placed back in it's original spot, with one exception:
The entire room now smelled of rotting sardines.
It would be hard to find the source of the smell, too. Kuzco had made sure of THAT. Using his trusty knife, he had cut each hemline open, stuffed it liberally with the slimy fishes, and closed the seam with the needle and thread. He her shoes hadn't gone unscathed, either. Underneath each sole was a sardine.
Kuzco left the room with a smirk. Top THAT, he thought.
*******************************
She topped it.
Kuzco couldn't believe it. This woman was either a genius, or certifiably crazy.
She topped it!
His joke had been foolproof! Perfect! He chewed on his thumbnail in disbelief. His plan, at first glance, had worked out perfectly. Alexandria's chambers smelled entirely of rotting fish, and the hysterics he'd expected her to go into hadn't been disappointing, either. He had laughed long and loud- at the time, that is.
Alexandria had nearly gone into conniptions, screaming at her maids, suspecting a conspiracy by poor Kronk, overturning all of her bins and boxes, which made the smell even worse, and demanded that the floor be fumigated.
Needless to say, even after fumigation, her room smelled as bad as ever.
Then she dressed in her royal robes for the traditional evening constitution in the garden with her ladies-in-waiting, drenching herself in perfume, and returned to the palace with an entire line of cats behind her, clawing at her gown. Kuzco nearly split his ribs cracking up, much to Kuta's disapproval.
Kuzco's trick had been discovered when Alexandria's hem had caught on a nail as she entered the palace, ripping it. The fish had tumbled out onto the floor, and in their "delicateness," most of Alexandria's maids-in- waiting had fainted dead away.
Alexandria hadn't followed suit. Instead, she looked up at Kuzco's window, where he was watching the whole display, lifted her chin, and gave him a chilling smile, which he had been laughing too hard to see.
THAT should have warned him.
He took another look at the...the...CARNAGE his wife had caused.
Well, not exactly carnage, but close enough.
When Kuzco had gone down that morning, he'd been informed by Kuta that his new chariot had arrived, from Rome. Carved gold and turquoise on the outside, mink-and-leather lined interior, solid gold wheels- this bad boy was the ULTIMATE ride.
Or, at least it was.
Kuzco had gone down to the chariot room with Alexandria, who had put down her morning toddy long enough to express an interest in seeing the new vehicle. Planning to take his new set of wheels for a bit of a spin, he'd asked the coachman to get him a horse, then walked into the showroom with Alexandria, locating his new chariot easily.
Then the smell had hit him.
Kuzco hurried over to his chariot, only to find it filled almost completely with half-rotting, smelly food remnants obviously from the kitchen. Banana peels, meat scraps, vegetable tops...his lip had curled involuntarily in disgust. THEN he screamed.
"My...new chariot!" he yelled, sinking to his knees, inspecting the damage frantically. Suddenly, a suspicion hit him, and he looked at his wife. Her hands were pressed to her mouth, and her eyes were brimming with laughter. "Well honey, your new chariot is certainly-" she couldn't finish.
"You little-" Kuzco was sputtering. "I'll get you if it's the last thing I- guards! Where are-"
Before completing his command, however, he realized something. This was just GARBAGE. Nothing that a little soap, water and TLC wouldn't fix. Chuckling to himself, he stepped up into the chariot for closer inspection, careful that his feet didn't touch any of the debris. "Nice try, Alexandria," he said smugly, "but all of this can be washed off. Buh-bye, a- MAY-teuuuur. Better luck next-"
That's when he saw them.
Mealworms. Thousands of them. And they were chomping away at the garbage- as well as the ornate upholstery.
They were EATING his chariot!
Shocked, Kuzco fell over backwards, bowling straight into Alexandria, who was now laughing too hard to see. They both fell and rolled on the floor, Alexandria still in hysterics while trying to get up, Kuzco- well, trying to kill her. (Not actually KILL her, but, well, you know.)
Screaming obscenities in their respective languages, the couple rolled out of the chariot house, down a slope, over some rocks, and through a flourishing rosebed. He tried to pull her hair. She tried to feed him his sandal.
Kuta was called. He went to the couple, trying to separate them.
They had to fish him out of the river.
Anya was called. She was sent to talk some reason into the couple.
SHE had to be rescued from a tree.
Kronk was called, as a desperate, final, last resort.
Heh.
Needless to say, it was quite some time before the royal couple ran out of fresh adjectives to rain on the other's head, and they were finally found sleeping under a lilac bush in the gardens, apparently having grown exhausted after their tiff. Alexandria's hand was pushing Kuzco's sandal into his mouth, and HE had a firm grip on her ponytail.
"Aren't they sweet?" Anya muttered sarcastically.
Kuta, who had dried off, scowled. He could see no humor in the situation. "Summon that peasant friend of the Emperor's," he ordered. "Maybe he can help."
He then gave orders for them to be separated, cleaned up and carried to their respective rooms.
The royal couple would be entertaining guests from the Brizilian province of Kimsata in two weeks, and a huge treaty was riding on the meeting.
They HAD to grow up by then.
Hello faithful readers! So sorry for my delay in updating- it's a VERY long story which I wont bore you with- but now I'm back on this and will be updating regularly. This chapter may have been a bit over-the-top, but hey, it's fanfiction! Anyway, keep your eyes here for the next chapter! Pacha'll be back, and so will Yzma! Also- remember to review!!
Rating: PG for mention of a planned coup de etat
"Here you are, your highness."
Yzma opened her eyes at the sound of Kronk's voice. After her liberation from the barn, she had been deposited in a basket with a ribbon tied to it, atop a thick, plush cushion. She'd fallen asleep almost immeadiatly- planning a second overthrow took more strength than she could have possibly imagined.
Now, apparently, she was being carried into the empresses' chambers. Rubbing her eyes with her paws, she sat up and peered at the woman sitting on the divan through the haze of silk gauze that covered the top of the basket.
The young woman sitting on the divan and preening into a looking glass was very young, Kuzco's age, and quite pretty. She was dressed to the height of fashion and as a result of her royal upbringing, had all the elegance and grace that Yzma fought vainly to achieve while in human form. She was sipping a martini, and looked bored as Kronk spoke to her.
"Milady, got you a little wedding gift. It's a bit late, I know, but.." Yzma felt herself being lifted upward as Kronk hoisted the basket upward. "Here you go."
"Honey, what's this? Who are you? What are you doing?" The empress apparently hadn't been listening, and Kronk patiently began to repeat himself.
"A...cat?" Yzma heard her say. "Oh, honey, you're going to make me pretend to cry. That's so sweet."
"Thanks, Empress."
There was total silence for a minute.
"Well? You don't expect me to open my own gift, do you?"
Yzma stiffened as Kronk pulled off the covering to her basket and she was instantly exposed to the light of the Empress' chamber. She blinked.
"Here she is, Empress." Kronk said proudly.
"Isn't she lovely. Now take her to the barn."
If Yzma could have seen the expression on her OWN face, she probably would have been very amused. Kronk looked shocked as well. "I-"
"You don't REALLY expect me to keep an animal in my room, do you, honey?" the Empresses' face registered a mixture of profound disbelief and amusement. "It can't be healthy! Just put her in the barn with all the other animal gifts. I'll send someone to visit her once in a while. It was nice of you to think of me though-" and she turned back to filing her nails.
Pleased with the Empress' acceptance of his gift, Kronk bowed and began to back his way out the door. Yzma shook with fury.
"There is NO way I'm going to go back to that filthy, stinking-" she shook her head, seething. When Kronk took one hand off the basket, she saw her chance.
Leaping up in a giant ball of fur, spit, and claws, she cleared the side of the basket and landed on the floor, feet-first, like a...cat. She lifted her tail and made a break for the door.
"Wait!" Kronk was after her like a shot. The Empress got off her divan and hurried to the door to watch the show. Ignoring Kronk, Yzma ran down the hall, stretching out her lean feline frame in what had to be the fastest run in history. She gasped for breath, certain her lungs were about to pop, but managed to reach the end of the hall, where four uniformed guards were waiting with a net.
She skidded to a stop and dug her claws into the wood floor, scrabbling for balance, then swung heavily to the right. She watched in satisfaction as the men crashed into each other and hit the ground, then leapt nimbly over the groaning pile and headed for the East corridor, the one that led to her lab.
"Oh honey, do it again!" she heard the empress shriek at the fallen guards, laughing and clapping. Stupid chit, she thought. She had to be the only cat in the world that could escape an entire slew of the Emporer's imperial guards. She strolled along placidly, trying to look like an ordinary cat, observing the changes that had been made in the palace.
Yzma's face, images, and visage had been removed without a trace from the palace walls, and replaced with Kuzco's old artwork. The hair on her back instantly stood erect, and she was tempted to spit on the portraits, or better yet, scratch them up a bit- but caution told her otherwise. She would have plenty of time to do that once SHE was Empress.
The thought hurried her along, and she reached the East corridor quickly, after little more than a cursory glance from the guards she passed. She slid up to the levers, looking up at them. THIS was going to take some work.
"Which one, which one...." she muttered. Things sure did look different from the floor. Squeezing her eyes shut in concentration, she hopped up onto her hind legs and pulled the lever on the left with her front paws.
As soon as she felt the floor lurch beneath her, she knew she had made a mistake.
"WRONG LEEVVVEEEERRRRR!!!!!!"
*******************
Kuzco was moving into phase one of his Revenge Plan. He had dined with the Empress as usual, and was now walking down the hall of the place to her bedchambers, a covered basket in his arms. As he strolled along, whistling under his breath, guards recoiled, some covering their noses with their mail shirts, some passing out altogether. He waved nonchalantly to each.
"Ooooo yeah, I AM the man...." Kuzco grooved his way into the room and waved away Alexandria's lady-in-waiting, a young, blonde, timid Grecian girl. "You're dismissed, lady! Scram! Begone! In fact, take the rest of the day off!"
She curtsied and fled, holding her nose.
"AND LOCK THE DOOR!!!" he yelled.
Chuckling to himself, he set his basket on the floor and opened it, revealing the oily, rotting sardines inside. He then drew a thin knife from the inside of his cloak, as well as a large embroidery needle and fine silk thread. He walked through Alexandria's main sleeping and sitting rooms, heading for the enormous dressing room that now held all of her robes and dresses. He looked around the room, seizing up the amount of work that had to be done.
"Should I really do this?" he muttered to himself, feeling a slight (very slight!!) pang of conscience. After all, it was all so.....immature. And slightly mean.
Then he saw his reflection in her large, polished Egyptian brass mirror. His face was still streaked with black.
He was doing it, all right.
Kuzco went over to the first box that held her robes, opening the intricately carved cedar lid that rested on top. The delicate smell of the wood filled the air, along with the exotic-smelling spices the gowns were packed in. "They won't be smelling like this for long, lady." He took out his knife and went to work.
An hour and a half later, Kuzco looked around that same room, surveying his handiwork with pride. The room looked virtually undisturbed. Every box, every hanging garment, every sandal, every slipper had been placed back in it's original spot, with one exception:
The entire room now smelled of rotting sardines.
It would be hard to find the source of the smell, too. Kuzco had made sure of THAT. Using his trusty knife, he had cut each hemline open, stuffed it liberally with the slimy fishes, and closed the seam with the needle and thread. He her shoes hadn't gone unscathed, either. Underneath each sole was a sardine.
Kuzco left the room with a smirk. Top THAT, he thought.
*******************************
She topped it.
Kuzco couldn't believe it. This woman was either a genius, or certifiably crazy.
She topped it!
His joke had been foolproof! Perfect! He chewed on his thumbnail in disbelief. His plan, at first glance, had worked out perfectly. Alexandria's chambers smelled entirely of rotting fish, and the hysterics he'd expected her to go into hadn't been disappointing, either. He had laughed long and loud- at the time, that is.
Alexandria had nearly gone into conniptions, screaming at her maids, suspecting a conspiracy by poor Kronk, overturning all of her bins and boxes, which made the smell even worse, and demanded that the floor be fumigated.
Needless to say, even after fumigation, her room smelled as bad as ever.
Then she dressed in her royal robes for the traditional evening constitution in the garden with her ladies-in-waiting, drenching herself in perfume, and returned to the palace with an entire line of cats behind her, clawing at her gown. Kuzco nearly split his ribs cracking up, much to Kuta's disapproval.
Kuzco's trick had been discovered when Alexandria's hem had caught on a nail as she entered the palace, ripping it. The fish had tumbled out onto the floor, and in their "delicateness," most of Alexandria's maids-in- waiting had fainted dead away.
Alexandria hadn't followed suit. Instead, she looked up at Kuzco's window, where he was watching the whole display, lifted her chin, and gave him a chilling smile, which he had been laughing too hard to see.
THAT should have warned him.
He took another look at the...the...CARNAGE his wife had caused.
Well, not exactly carnage, but close enough.
When Kuzco had gone down that morning, he'd been informed by Kuta that his new chariot had arrived, from Rome. Carved gold and turquoise on the outside, mink-and-leather lined interior, solid gold wheels- this bad boy was the ULTIMATE ride.
Or, at least it was.
Kuzco had gone down to the chariot room with Alexandria, who had put down her morning toddy long enough to express an interest in seeing the new vehicle. Planning to take his new set of wheels for a bit of a spin, he'd asked the coachman to get him a horse, then walked into the showroom with Alexandria, locating his new chariot easily.
Then the smell had hit him.
Kuzco hurried over to his chariot, only to find it filled almost completely with half-rotting, smelly food remnants obviously from the kitchen. Banana peels, meat scraps, vegetable tops...his lip had curled involuntarily in disgust. THEN he screamed.
"My...new chariot!" he yelled, sinking to his knees, inspecting the damage frantically. Suddenly, a suspicion hit him, and he looked at his wife. Her hands were pressed to her mouth, and her eyes were brimming with laughter. "Well honey, your new chariot is certainly-" she couldn't finish.
"You little-" Kuzco was sputtering. "I'll get you if it's the last thing I- guards! Where are-"
Before completing his command, however, he realized something. This was just GARBAGE. Nothing that a little soap, water and TLC wouldn't fix. Chuckling to himself, he stepped up into the chariot for closer inspection, careful that his feet didn't touch any of the debris. "Nice try, Alexandria," he said smugly, "but all of this can be washed off. Buh-bye, a- MAY-teuuuur. Better luck next-"
That's when he saw them.
Mealworms. Thousands of them. And they were chomping away at the garbage- as well as the ornate upholstery.
They were EATING his chariot!
Shocked, Kuzco fell over backwards, bowling straight into Alexandria, who was now laughing too hard to see. They both fell and rolled on the floor, Alexandria still in hysterics while trying to get up, Kuzco- well, trying to kill her. (Not actually KILL her, but, well, you know.)
Screaming obscenities in their respective languages, the couple rolled out of the chariot house, down a slope, over some rocks, and through a flourishing rosebed. He tried to pull her hair. She tried to feed him his sandal.
Kuta was called. He went to the couple, trying to separate them.
They had to fish him out of the river.
Anya was called. She was sent to talk some reason into the couple.
SHE had to be rescued from a tree.
Kronk was called, as a desperate, final, last resort.
Heh.
Needless to say, it was quite some time before the royal couple ran out of fresh adjectives to rain on the other's head, and they were finally found sleeping under a lilac bush in the gardens, apparently having grown exhausted after their tiff. Alexandria's hand was pushing Kuzco's sandal into his mouth, and HE had a firm grip on her ponytail.
"Aren't they sweet?" Anya muttered sarcastically.
Kuta, who had dried off, scowled. He could see no humor in the situation. "Summon that peasant friend of the Emperor's," he ordered. "Maybe he can help."
He then gave orders for them to be separated, cleaned up and carried to their respective rooms.
The royal couple would be entertaining guests from the Brizilian province of Kimsata in two weeks, and a huge treaty was riding on the meeting.
They HAD to grow up by then.
Hello faithful readers! So sorry for my delay in updating- it's a VERY long story which I wont bore you with- but now I'm back on this and will be updating regularly. This chapter may have been a bit over-the-top, but hey, it's fanfiction! Anyway, keep your eyes here for the next chapter! Pacha'll be back, and so will Yzma! Also- remember to review!!