A/N: Insane? Me? Never!
Chapter 3 - Chercohlate Cake
"I need some shoppin' done, the kitchen sick plug is clogged up, I want a new shelf put up in my livin' room, the hall radiator's bust, so I want you to fix that please, and it would be nice if you'd do some cleanin' around 'ere. The cutlery is in the left 'and drawer in the kitchen and plates and bowls are in the bottom right cupboard. The first aid kit is in the left cupboard. The key's on the side along with some money so please lock the door when you go out, and don't buy rubbish stacks of sweets or any kind of attractive lookin' glowin' object with it please. All numbers are in the phone book, Rose's mobile is speed dial one and the ambulance is 999. We'll be back in a couple of hours and please try not to destroy the 'ouse. Got that?"
The Doctor stared at Jackie Tyler without even a blink, a huge, reassuring smile set on his face with his hands clasped behind his back. He nodded slowly.
"Good," Jackie finished, moving to shut the door of the flat before suddenly pausing. "Oh and err…look after your son."
It clicked shut.
The Doctor turned his head to look at Rory, who returned the look with just as much of an innocent smile. There was a brief, few second pause, before the Doctor asked the question:
"Did you catch a word of that?"
Rory rapidly shook his head.
"Wasn't even listening," Rory admitted ruefully.
"You and me both," the Doctor said, springing up and down on his heels in consideration. "Think of anything fun yet safe and educational to do?"
Another long, dreary pause.
"No," Rory answered straight.
"Me either."
Another pause.
"Daddy, granny's boring."
The Doctor paused a little longer, his mind halfway through a possibility. All of a sudden he clicked, and it was though there was a small light bulb hovering brightly above his head.
"Oh no, no, no, no, no…she's not boring at all," the Doctor answered suddenly, dashing from the living room and tearing into the kitchen, bounding over to the bookshelf with all the energy of a prancing deer on a trampoline. He stopped, rummaging through the books presented on the shelf about gardening and cooking; despite the fact Jackie couldn't cook and didn't even have a garden.
He took out a recipe book, laying it down on the floor as he squatted down to scan. Rory joined him, trying to read what he was looking intently at although Rory couldn't fully read yet and he was reading upside-down.
"Eee…kak…etah…" Rory started, but the Doctor shook his head rapidly.
"You're reading it back to front," he pointed out, turning the book around so it was upright in Rory's vision. "If the word's upside-down then you read it back-to-front, because it's been reversed," he explained and Rory nodded, understanding as he stared at the book now set down infront of him, the came two words as before peering back at him, though now they were upright.
"Koh…co…late…cake," he said with a grin, looking up at his dad for praise but to his utter dismay he still hadn't succeeded.
"Good!" the Doctor said, ruffling his hair. Rory indignantly patted his fluffy blondy-brown tufts down again, glaring at his dad. "But when you have 'c' and 'h' together, you don't take out the 'h', you make it into a sound like 'cher', as in, 'cher-urch'. Now say it again."
Rory looked back down at the word etched on the page once more, frowning in concentration for his task. "Cher-coh-late cake."
The Doctor then realised why preschools started with the simple things like 'cat'. He smiled at Rory, a gesture of congratulations.
"Close enough!" he grinned as Rory beamed pride. "Chocolate cake, we'll bake it for mummy and granny. Sound fun?"
"Do we have to share it with granny?" Rory asked as the Doctor got onto his feet, setting the recipe book down onto the kitchen worktop and scanning the ingredients.
"'Fraid so," the Doctor replied as Rory tried to see the book by jumping up and down, though the kitchen cupboards were too tall. "Though your granny isn't that bad Rory, once you get past the scales she's a nice person at heart." He looked down at the child seriously. "Don't grow up without respect, she's done a lot for me and your mummy and she doesn't even know the half of it."
Rory sniffed, looking guiltily up at the Doctor through shameful eyes. "I'm sorry daddy," he said meekly,
"Don't be. Now…have you got any idea how to work a Earth 2007 human cooker?"
Rose felt like she'd been in and out of around one thousand dresses now, but everytime she said she liked one her mum would screech that it was 'too bulky' or 'too defining' or 'just plain bloody ugly'.
"Mum, really, this one's fine." Rose heaved a loud sigh after her mum had given her approval on a dress; despite the fact Rose thought she looked like a pillow. She wanted to be back home with the Doctor again.
"You don't like it though," Jackie said, hitting the chord of truth. Rose sighed, rolling her eyes.
"No, no, it's fine."
"You're lyin', Rose," she said, and then took in Rose's tired facial expression. "I know this is tirin', but take it from me – if you don't get the perfect dress you'll regret it for the rest of ya life. You want to look pretty for the Doctor, don't you?"
Rose nodded shortly. "I'm so tired," she said, yawning loudly. "And hungry," she added for brownie points, helped on by the slight craving for the taste of chocolate. She rested a hand on her womb intentionally to make a silent point to her mum.
Jackie looked slightly disappointed, but knew the perils of being pregnant. She sighed, gesturing to the changing booth one last time.
"Get changed then we'll 'ead on back 'ome."
"Daddy, should the cake be doing that?"
Rory was peering into the cooker in which the chocolate cake sat, looking surprisingly good for a first attempt. The Doctor let go of the mixing bowl and instead knelt down next to Rory, peering into the clear section of the cooker to the cake within. It was shaking like jelly.
"Oh, umm…" the Doctor started, lowering his eyebrows and stroking an imaginary beard. "I…don't think so."
"Should we take it out?"
"…Nah. Just let it carry on. …Better use up the rest of that cake mix though on another," he said, picking up the mixing bowl and lowering it to Rory for him to look in. "Reckon that's enough chef?"
Rory grinned up at him, diving his hand into the bowl and scooping up some of the mix. Before the Doctor even had a chance to speak Rory his pressed his hand to his dad, smearing the cake mix on his hand all over his face.
The Doctor opened his eyes to look at the child as he withdrew his hand, two white and brown eyes prominent through the cake mix.
"You're really getting used to this 'rubbing in' method," the Doctor commented, wiping his mouth free of the mix so he could speak. "Though, you don't generally tend to rub it into…" – he scooped up some more – "…people's…" – splat – "…faces."
Rory scooped up some more in return, and without a word, flung it straight at him – then ducked.
It hit the Doctor's jacket sleeve in the majority, the rest of it totally missing and instead hitting the otherwise immaculately clean wooden cupboard behind him.
"Oh, you're gonna pay for that…" the Doctor said with a sparkle in his eyes, scooping up some more mix and throwing it with impeccable accuracy towards Rory's chest. With another splat, Rory was hit.
"This means WAR!" Rory yelled, running forward towards the mixing bowl and grabbing it tightly, wrenching it out of the Doctor's hands. The Doctor instantly dived for the bowl, but instead landed with crash into and already open cupboard.
Saucepans and pots crashed down onto his head as another lump of mix flew towards his head. He pulled himself out from under the wreckage and army rolled to the side, narrowly missing the mix's aim, which hit another cupboard and slid down quietly to the floor.
"CHARGE!" the Doctor yelled, grabbing a large based saucepan and holding it infront of him for mild protection as he shimmied across the floor towards the boy. His hand flew out for the bowl and managed to catch a side, pulling it towards him and scooping for a handful. It flew towards Rory and caught him on his right shoulder where he staggered with the impact. The Doctor launched forward and caught him in his arms, putting a hand on the back of his head as he fell to the floor. Rory was laughing.
The Doctor took another handful of cake mix and raised it above Rory, contemplating.
"Give up yet?" he asked through a mouthful of cake mix, weighing the lump of cake mix in his hand experimentally.
Rory nodded quickly, his deep brown eyes staring up at his father's own two through a face of mix. The Doctor grinned, falling sideways off his son and hitting the mix stained kitchen floor on his back, laughing too much to notice what Rory was doing now.
"ATTAAAACK!" Rory shouted, taking two handfuls of the mix and running up to his father laying on the floor, throwing them at his chest.
"Hey!" the Doctor exclaimed, trying to shield himself. "This isn't fair!"
Rory wasn't paying attention however. He took one last scoop and climbed onto his dad's chest, staring down at his face.
"I give up," the Doctor said instantly. But Rory wasn't listening to him. He raised the handful as the Doctor's eyes widened, bringing it straight down and shoving it all into his open gob.
"Eat cake mix!" Rory declared as the Doctor struggle to swallow.
"Mmm! That tastes good!" the Doctor said after his mouth had cleared, holding onto Rory as they both sat up, glancing around the kitchen.
They became silent for a second.
"Oh dear," the Doctor managed to say.