Frodo Baggins performed an intricate Scottish dance in a circle around a tree.
"Ta-da!" he cried, finishing up his dance and tripping over his own enormous hairy feet, landing on his face.
"Damn it!" he muttered, getting up and brushing himself off. "DAMN YOU PIPPIN AND YOUR ADVANCED SCOTTISH DANCING SKILLS!" he screamed so loudly that about forty owls taking refuge in a tree nearby took flight, chattering loudly and shitting on Frodo's head.
Pippin took one last puff of his cigarette, flicked the ashes onto Frodo's foot, then got up and said, "No, no, you idiot! It goes like THIS." And Pippin danced, staying on his feet.
"You suck, you know that?" the shit-ridden burned hobbit Frodo said sourly.
"Suck my coffee-drinking ass, chump." Pip replied smoothly.
Frodo licked his lips hungrily at these words. "Really?" he asked hopefully.
Pippin gave Frodo a disgusted look. "No."
Frodo pouted. "Why get my hopes up, then?"
Pippin shook his head and lit another cigarette.
A carriage was heard approaching now, and Frodo's huge, freaky eyes lit up with joy.
"Gandalf!" he cried, skipping like a sugarplum fairy toward Gandalf's carriage.
"I ain't no hollaback girl, I ain't no hollaback GIRL!" Gandalf shouted the last word, stopping the carriage.
"What's up, sweetie?" Frodo asked, batting his eyelashes at Gandalf.
"Oh piss off you homosexual," Gandalf said casually. He gave a grunt.
And guess what happened?
A firework blew out of the side of the carriage and hit Frodo square between the eyes.
A large hole dripped with gore where his general nose area had been a few moments ago.
Gandalf giggled and poked one finger through the hole. "I can see my hand through your head!"
"I would kill whoever lit that firework, but I'm feeling rather woozy." Frodo said.
Pippin whistled innocently and tried to hide the book of matches in his hand.
Merry scratched a stick-fairy into the dirt with one furry toe and labeled it 'FRODO'.
Frodo fell over and his head made a dreadfully delightful thunk against the ground.
"Aayoww.." he moaned.
"Hey guys," Sam said, peering down at Frodo. "What'd you do to him this time?" he asked, as though it were perfectly normal for someone to be lying on the ground with a hole through his head.
"Blew up the fireworks on him," Gandalf grinned.
Sam smiled.
"Nice one. Come on, Bill," and he lead the pony carefully across Frodo's spine and trotted away to do his gardening.
"Ohemgee..." moaned Frodo, moving limply on the ground. "Oh dear."
Pippin squatted on the ground next to him. "Are you okay, Frodo?" he asked, as Merry attempted to shove his head through the hole.
Frodo simply whimpered and bled a bit.
"Oh Jesus, I think I'm stuck!" exclaimed Merry. He had managed to get the top of his head stuck through the hole in Frodo's head.
"Fool of a.. what the hell is your last name again?" Gandalf asked, scratching his chin.
"Brandybuck, you asshole!" Merry snapped, his face now wet with Frodo's blood.
"Ahh yes.. fool of a Brandybuckyouasshole!" Gandalf said, waggling his finger at Merry as though he were three.
"Oh shut the hell up and GET ME OUT." Merry snapped. He whirled his head around and around.
"Woo! He's a Frodo-go-round!" Pip cheered over Frodo's screamed of agony.
"Fine, fine." Gandalf sighed. "Pippin, take Brandybuckyouasshole's feet." He grabbed Frodo's ankles and squeezed them, causing them to make awful cracking noises. Pippin took Merry's feet, and they both ran in opposite directions clutching hobbit feet.
"AAAYYYYYURGH!" shrieked Frodo.
"WEEE!" cheered Merry as his head pulled out of Frodo's wound with a loud pop. "Merry! Merry! Merry! Merry is FREEE!" He cheered, skipping around, and not paying any attention to Frodo's sobs of pain.
"So what're we gonna do about this dude?" Pip asked, poking Frodo in the eye with the stem of his pipe.
"Dunno.. leave him here so the vultures eat him while he's still alive?" Gandalf guessed, chewing on some beef jerky.
"JERKY MINE!" Pippin said, snatching the jerky away from Gandalf and huddling over it like a fat girl who only had seven breakfasts that day instead of twelve.
Merry was still running around in circles screaming "MERRY IS FREE!", and he accidentally stepped through the hole in Frodo's mangled face and tripped, sending himself flying face first into Frodo's ass while jerking Frodo's head back with his foot.
"Oh Jesus!" Merry screeched, trying to get up.
"You tard! You're breaking my fucking NECK!" Frodo screamed.
Merry dragged himself forward and shook his foot violently. He hit something squishy; possibly Frodo's brain.
"Ooh, hey look at this, guys!" Merry had freed himself, and poked a spot in Frodo's brain.
Frodo's leg jerked.
"Oy! Pip! Come here.."
And they spent at least an hour poking Frodo's brain, thus causing his body parts to either kick or twitch.
"Enough." Gandalf said finally. "He might give you herpes, or rabies."
"Eee!" Pippin and Merry shrieked and jumped backwards delicately.
"Ohh God I lorve yooo Gandalve.." Frodo slurred, drool running down his chin.
Gandalf picked up Frodo like a sack of PO! TAY! TOW!s and threw him into the carriage carelessly. Frodo hit the bottom with a thud.
"AIIIIEEEEE!" he let out a shriek.
"Shut up, pansy.." Gandalf muttered, and he climbed back up onto his seat and started driving again.
"Whay er we goin?" Frodo asked. His jaw had busted when he hit the wagon, so this was the best he could do.
"Back to your uncle Bilbo's house. I have a few things that sorry little bastard can help me with." Gandalf answered carelessly, as the carriage took a sharp turn, skidded on two wheels, and landed with a bang.
"Dyaaaai!" Frodo moaned as he flopped around like a rag doll in the carriage.
"Oh, shut up and quit begging for attention!" Gandalf snapped, whistling a few lines of Hollaback Girl under his breath.
A few minutes later, Gandalf and the battered, mutilated Frodo reached Bilbo's house.
Gandalf went around to the other side of the carriage and pulled Frodo out by one leg, and dragged him inside Bilbo's house.