The Church Files, A Red Vs Blue Story

by Austin316v1

Red Vs. Blue from the specific perspective of Private Leonard Church. Replacement to my Novelization of the RvB series. Discontinued

2. Chapter 2

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer:
Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

Chapter 2:
Heading South…And Beyond

So, back at the rock, Tucker and I are still hiding as Simmons keeps shooting at us. Now, I said that the gun would run out of bullets sometime. But it's been firing for the last five minutes…nonstop. "My God, doesn't that thing EVER run out of bullets?"

By now, Tucker's brain resumed functioning normally and he tells me, "You know, in hindsight, we should've brought the tank."

Like it would do us any good. "Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us, if none of us know how to drive it?"

"Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy."

"Well, yeah, but...Oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya." And I did, I didn't have a good reason to continue.

3 seconds later, the jeep stops firing. I whispered to Tucker, "Psst, hey, they stopped firing."

Tucker looks at him and asks, "Why are you whispering?"

"Uhm... I don't know."

So then, Tucker tells me that we should go steal the jeep.

"Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out," I warned him. They were gonna swarm him, I had to try and do something to save him.

"No they're not, look: they left the jeep. They're gone."

"Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but…" Then I thought. We have a one seater tank, that's a 3 seater jeep. 3 is great than 1 so… "Alright screw it, let's go get it."

So, we did Rock-Papers-Scissors to decide who would get it. I won, so I said, "I'm going for the jeep. Cover me."

So, I start running for the jeep, look only at the jeep, but then I see Grif running towards it as fast as he can. So, I say to myself, 'What the-.' BAM! The jeep explodes almost as he gets there. I hear him scream, "SON of a BITCH!"

I was still a few yards from the jeep when it happened so I screamed, "SON OF A BITCH!" as well. Not so much in fear, as in anger. I had the jeep, then it blew up. So anyway, I hear something saying, "Firing main cannon." BAM!

And I also hear Simmons shouting too, "Shit."

"Firing main cannon." BAM!

"God…damnit"

"Firing main cannon." BAM!

So I ran back up the ridge and hid behind the rock, again. Tucker tells me, "Hey dude, the jeep blew up."

NO SHIT SHERLOCK! I WAS JUST OUT THERE! "No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker."

So, eventually the firing subsides and look out and I see the tank…with Caboose inside. "Hey Tucker, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds."

Tucker immediately turns his head, "WHAT? No way!"

I'm shocked and amazed, someone knows how to drive the damn tank. So I yell to Caboose, "Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?"

That's when the tank's turret starts to turn towards me, "New target acquired."

Inside the tank Caboose is getting confused, "That's not a target. That's Church."

So I yelled back down, "Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man!"

"Target locked."

And Caboose started to panic…badly, "What? No. Target unlock. UNLOCK! Please help me nice lady."

"Firing main cannon."

Caboose says, "Uh-oh."

Tucker mirrors him saying, "Uh-oh."

So look down and I see the barrel point right at me. "What?" And in that last brief second, I saw what was about to happen. "Oh Son of a Bi…" BAM!.

Tucker panics, "HOLY FUCK! Church, are you okay? Talk to me, Church!" Then he directs his attention to Caboose, "You killed Church, you team-killing fucktard!"

Sheila says, "Auto-fire sequence deactivated."

Basically, I'm gonna die in like 5 seconds, so I call over to Tucker to tell him something, "Tucker. Tucker!"

So he kneels down next to me, "Church! It's going to be okay, man."

"No. Ah... I'm na, I'm not gonna make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you."

"What is it?"

So I decided with my last breath to piss him off, "I just want you to know…I always hated you. I always hated you the most."

Tucker gets up and starts walking away. "Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick."

"Okay…HrrrrBlaaaaahh."

Now, what happened next was a bit of a blur in terms of details. From what I remember seeing, Tucker and Caboose charged the red base, and we're pretty successful in scaring the shit out of Grif, Simmons, and Donut. I also learned that the tank's AI had a name, Sheila. Anyway, someone brought in an air strike, and started bombing the shit out of the canyon. Then I overheard a conversation between Tucker and Caboose and this annoying guy from Blue Command named Vic talking about "Freelancer Tex." So I freak. I knew Tex personally, and you're gonna have to keep reading to see how.

So anyway, I appear out of nowhere right in front of both of them, "Tucker... Tuuuckerrr..."

Tucker looks over at me and freaks, "Who the hell are you?"

"I am the ghost of Chuuuurch... and I've come back with a waaarniiing..." Yeah I was trying to imitate the movie shit when someone comes back as a ghost, but Caboose interrupted my speech, "You're not Church... Church is blue. You're white."

So I started talking normally, screaming at him because he pissed me off so much, "Rookie, shut up, man. I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?"

Tucker looks at Caboose, "Yeah, that's definitely him."

"Now I gotta start all over again." So, I cleared my throat and started the speech again, "Tucker... Tuuuckerrr... I've come back with a waaarniiing..."

Tucker stares and asks, "Is it really necessary to do the voice?"

Caboose adds, "Yeah, it's kinda annoying." Like you're not?

Whatever, I don't need to use the stupid voice, "Fine. Okay, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let -."

Caboose interrupts me…again, "What's the warning?"

"Shut up for one second, and I'll tell you." He's really pissing me off now.

"Oh, sorry."

"Seriously, man, I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. You think this is easy? It's not. It's not like I just, you know just pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration."

"Sorry."

"I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man." I sigh before continuing… "Okay. Here's the deal," and get interrupted again.

"Is this the warning?"

That's he's gonna be my bitch now. "Alright, that's it, I swear to God, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you."

Tucker is getting pissed off too, "Yeah, you're even starting to bug me."

So I decided to talk directly to Tucker because talking to both of them was not working, "Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?"

"No."

Caboose interrupts…AGAIN! "Sidewinder, isn't that the ice planet?"

So I tell him, "Yes!"

"Cool, what was that like?"

"Um... it was cold."

Caboose looks confused, "That's it? Just cold?"

Ok, time for you to shut up Caboose, "What do you want from me, a poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really, fuckin' cold."

Tucker looks at Caboose, "Would you just let him talk?"

OK FLASHBACK TIME AGAIN! The scene is the blue base on Sidewinder, everyone is wearing the standard issue armor except for one soldier in cobalt. Gee I wonder who that could be?

"Alright, well, one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember, I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid, everybody liked him."

Tucker interrupts the story, "Do you think I was a good kid Church?"

"Tucker, don't get jealous man, just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitching about the cold..."

Man, it's fucking cold.

I hope we get some action.

So I continue, "Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home."

Jimmy says, Yep, soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.

"And that's when Tex showed up. Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden he just started screaming bloody murder."

Bloody murder! Bloody murder! He turns around in circles while he says this, shooting at the ground randomly.

"The whole thing was over before it even started." Basically, Tex kicked everyone's ass. "Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it."

END FLASHBACK! Tucker asks, "Wait a second. How do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible."

"That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming."

Back to Flashback, where Tex is beating Jimmy to death with his own skull. This doesn't seem physically possible! (dies) Eeeeggh, blehhhhh.

END FB for good. "Bottom line is: these freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst."

Caboose asks, "If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?"

"To tell you I don't know why I'm not dead. Could've killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run in to each other once before."

Tucker chimes in, "Where?"

"You uh, you remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning: don't let Tex get involved here."

"Ok."

"I mean it Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it." So I fade back into obscurity.

Ok, later that day, I come back and notice the flag is back. So I say, in this weird voice, "Blue team, flag returned."

Tucker turns around, "What the... who said that?"

So I cleared my throat and said, "Sorry, that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way."

Caboose quickly turns around, "Hey... it's Church."

"Yeah, it's me. Hey Caboose."

"Hey Church, what're you up to?"

"Caboose, ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?"

Tucker started to panic, he forgot that Tex wasn't supposed to get involved, "Wh, what? Oh, th, that flag? We've always had that."

Yeah, that is the biggest piece of bullshit since I KNOW it was stolen. "Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool?" So that's when I notice, that there's only Tucker and Caboose. "Hey wait a second... Where's Tex?"

Tucker was screwed so he thought of the only story he could, "I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, Elbow Grease."

Ok, I was beyond pissed, I was livid, "Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?"

Caboose answers, "That Sidewinder is cold?"

DEAR GOD, CABOOSE! "UGH! What was the other one thing I told you?"
Tucker weakly answers, "Not to let him get involved?"

"Right. And what did you do?"

"We let him get involved."

"And not just a little involved, how involved?"

Caboose hangs his head and says, "Very, very involved."

So Caboose has the sniper rifle, and sees someone running down into their base. "Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead." He quickly gasps, "Or captured and dead!" Which is highly impossible to happen.

So now I'm ticked off beyond belief and you're gonna find out why soon, "Oh, well that's just perfect!"

Tucker can't believe what he's hearing, "What? What is your problem? Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy anyway, for stealing your girlfriend?"

So I turn to him, "I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married." No, that is not a typo.

Caboose turns around confused, "She?" Yes, I said 'she'. Tex isn't a guy. SHE is my ex-girlfriend that I told Tucker and Caboose about before

So after explaining the whole thing to Tucker, he asks me, "Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend? "

"In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary," I responded pretty matter-of-factly.

Caboose says, "I should have known... She didn't like me..." Then he hangs his head, "Girls, never, like me."

Tucker looks at him and says, "Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you." Yeah, I'd agree with that Tucker.

Caboose sobs out, "I like me..."

Tucker turns back to me to resume talking about Tex, "I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?"

So I tell him, "I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy." Then he add to make him REALLY REALLY pissed, "And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark."

Caboose asks, "Way, oh, wait oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?"

"Uh... because she's from Texas," is my reply. And he stares at me about to say something when I cut him off. "Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with."

Tucker decides to get into his pervert mode, "Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!"

"Will you shut up with that? She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where, they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell."

Caboose gets confused by the abbreviation, "A.I... What's the A stand for?"

"Artificial," I said.

"...What's the I-."

"Intelligence." I replied anticipating the question.

"Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?"

"Let's move on."

Tucker thinks he's got it now, "So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?"

FUCK THAT SHIT! "Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements."

"Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper."

"So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?"

Caboose tries to piece it together, but he fucks up, "I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot."

Oh my God, did he miss the fact that I said that Tex is a girl, "Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot."

"Well don't worry, because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex," I told them.

Tucker whines, "A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy, or ...mission statement?"

Yeah, cry me a river douche bag, "I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex."

Caboose asks, "Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like 'decoy.'"

"The way I see it, the reds have absolutely no idea how many freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you, is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base."

Tucker likes the plan, but is skeptical of one thing. "Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor?" All I did was turn towards the teleporter. "Oh fuckberries."

So later, I'm waiting up at the teleporter when Tucker comes through. "Are you okay, Tucker?"

Tucker responds, "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he turns back towards the base and yells, "Come on Caboose!"

Caboose looks at Tucker and yells back, "Does it hurt!"

"No, not at all!"

"Okay! Here I come!"

As he goes through the teleporter, I turned back to Tucker and asked him, "Does it hurt for real?"

"Oho, yeah. Big time."

Caboose emerges from the teleporter and cringes, "Owwchie." He then turns to Tucker and says, "You lied to me."

Meanwhile I, spot Grif leaving the inside of the base, and for some odd reason, I'm holding a sniper rifle, and have a radio, "Hey Tucker, come in man, are you there? This is Church, it's working. The orange one is coming out of the base. I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base."

So Tucker responds, "Roger that."

"Okay, now just keep moving around outside of the base, and draw their attention."

So Tucker tells me, "Whoa wait wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose was talking to me. Shut up man, I'm on the radio."

"I said, just keep movin-."

So I hear Tucker yelling at Caboose, "I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. ...No, I'll tell him you said 'hi' later. No you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?"

"Oh my God. I can't believe I actually died for this war."

So that's when I decided to make my move. I saw Sarge standing there, not paying attention, he was telling Grif, "They're definitely Special Ops. I ain't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidewi-heekagerger!" That's when I took over his body.

Grif asks Sarge/Me, "Sir, are you okay?"

So I panicked, I didn't know Grif's name at the time, "Uh, who you talking to, Red, me?"

"No. I'm talking to Lopez. Because, you know, that's real rewarding." So Lopez took a swing at him with his pistol. "Hey, what'd I tell you about that?"

So I decided to make some bullshit excuse, "Oh, uh I, I'm fine, that's... I'm just so mad about, these uh, God damn blues out here. 'tslike I'm so God damn mad, I could spit!" So I hocked a loogie onto Sarge's visor. Suck that, red bitch.

Meanwhile Grif just stared at me. So he asks, "Um, sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?"

So I feigned embarrassment, I was really happy as fuck. "Uh, yeah. I guess I did."

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Go ahead."

"That's really fucking gross." No shit Sherlock. Ok, time to free Tex. I ran down to the main part of the base, where I see Simmons holding Tex at gunpoint.

So I run down and say, "Hey man. What's up yo?"

Simmons looked a little confused at my speech, "Uh... hey... what's going on out there sir?"

Time to bullshit again, "What's uh, why, nothin'. Why would you ask if something's wrong?"

"I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war."

"Yeah well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there, ...other red guy. So I'm keeping my eye on you."

So he turned around to face Tex again, and I saw my opening. "Sarge, I'm starting to think that-." WHACK "Ow, geez, the back of my head!"

So Tex is REALLY confused, she screams, "What the hell are you doing?"

So I say, "Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you."

"You're kind of short to be Church," she tells me. Nice parody on the Star Wars scene.

"What? Oh yeah, right. The armor."

So I leave Sarge's body. "Harurgh! What in Sam Hell? Where the- Who spit on my visor?"

I didn't have time to give her the full story, so I decided to summarize and get the hell out of there, "Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy, so that I could sneak in to the base and rescue you, while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon, dressed in black armor, that they got from going through the teleporter."

"...Okay." Wait. SHE GOT THAT! "What... that's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?"

"No, it pretty much all makes sense." Wow, she's as smart as I remembered her.

"Not even the whole "Church is a ghost" thing? That didn't do anything for ya?"

"I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious..."

"Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy and we'll get outta here."

That's when I went back into Sarge's body. "Harurghk!"

."Alright, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter, and escape. Ready? One... Two... Three!" Suddenly Sarge's body is shot, and he falls dead. And I'm left holding the bag. "What the? Where did my body go?" That's when I looked over to the rock Caboose was hiding behind, and I see the sniper rifle in his hands, "Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!"

"Tucker did it!" Bullshit.