Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…
Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2005.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.
Ok, I got lazy, and I decided to skip a few episodes. Sorry for not updating, but I accidentally deleted the files when I got my new hard drive. Any way, here's Chapter 3, the end of Season 1.
Chapter 3:
What a Waste
Ok, this next part is boring…and I mean crappy Anime boring, like Wolf's Rain, I hated that one (A/N: seriously, I did). Anyways, Sarge dies, I joke with him in the Spirit world and his buddies save him. Tex and I get into an argument over if we're square or not. Then she agrees to help us beat the reds and goes to fix the tank. I go up on the ridge to keep an eye on the Reds…and that's when I saw something that I was REALLY not happy about…my dead body, rotting right on the ridge in plain view.
"HEY TUCKER!"
"What!"
"WHAT THE HELL IS MY BODY STILL DOING UP HERE!" I was MORE than livid, even more than I was at Caboose in all the times he's pissed me off… COMBINED!
Tucker decideds to be a little wise ass, "That's part of being dead, Church. You're body doesn't move around that much. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet"
Why you little…"Alright, lemme rephrase that…WHY THE HELL HAVEN'T YOU BURIED MY BODY!"
"Buried! With WHAT! All we have is pistols and rifles, What do you want me to do, SHOOT you a grave?" Yeah, it's a little thing called a grenade. Maybe you could've BLOWN UP ONE FOR ME!
"Well then how about shipping me back home. You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect." Come on, asshole top that one.
"Well Church, here's your girlfriend." Oh, crap I forgot. "Tex, as one of Church's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects"
I waited for her to say something, but she kept working on the tank. "That was a stirring eulogy. Rest in peace, good buddy!"
So the jackass and the idiot came up on top of the ridge while Tex kept working on the tank, and we stared at my body…and stared at it…
"I am not happy about this." Ready for more foot in mouth? Too bad.
"I have an idea," Caboose says. So we ignore him. He only says it louder, "I HAVE AN IDEA!"
So Tucker bluntly says, "Yeah, we heard you the first time, Caboose. We were just ignoring you."
But Caboose continues his idea anyway, "Since you possessed that red guy, and took control of him, why don't you just possess your own body?" Hmmm…interesting comment; that could work…IF I WASN'T ALREADY DEAD!
"Oh I see, so that way I would be living inside of my own dead body."
"Yes." He seemed very pleased with himself.
"Unable to move, just, laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity."
"Yes," time to take him down a notch.
"Okay Caboose, I'll be sure to get right on that."
He hangs his head, "I think you are a mean ghost."
That's when Tucker says, "Dude, you really stink"
"What!" How can I stink, I have no ODOR to give off, I am a ghost.
"Your body! It stinks!" Well DUH, it's been sitting out in the sun for like a WEEK now.
"Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body."
"Quit yer bitching, nothing's going to happen to it." IT'S LYING OUT IN THE SUN ROTTING RETARD! I THINK SOMETHING'S HAPPENING TO IT!
Plus, "IT'S A FREAKING INDIGNITY! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest."
"Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?" True, I mean, not like it's gonna get eaten by buzzards out here in the middle of nowhere where there aren't any buzzards.
"Hey, Church. Look, birds!" Birds? What birds? There aren't any birds here. "Why are they flying around in circles?"
You have gotta be kidding me. "Nuh, God." AM I A FUCKING MAGNET FOR THIS SHIT!
Anyways, after that's settled, we turn to matters of the Sheila kind while Caboose is playing with the sniper rifle. "How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?"
Tucker says, "Not much longer, she said it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again."
Not good…not GOOD! "Oh, that's just fantastic!"
Tucker seemed shocked at me saying that, "Why would that upset you?"
Great, something else I need to spell out for him, "Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the reds, and they're all gonna die."
"The reds dying is a good thing."
Not for me. "No Tucker, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat the reds, Tex is outta here! And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head."
"A-I..."
"Shut up, Caboose!" Back to Tucker, "And if I don't get it out before she leaves..."
"If she leaves, you'll never find her again," he finishes for me.
"Right" for once.
"So what're you gonna do?" Well let's see. Possess her and make her stop…no she'd definitely dump me for that. Possess Tucker and commit murder…No she'd dump me for that too. Possess Caboose and commit suicide…I'll keep that option open, but that doesn't solve the situation. Only one option left, and I'm not gonna like it.
"I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do. I have to warn the reds before she fixes the tank"
"You're switching sides?" Tucker asks me.
Not officially, but yeah, "Sorry guys. I don't have much choice."
So Caboose says, "Church, uh, wha, what happens when the reds come out here, to stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us?"
"I'll try to help you as best I can. Good luck guys/"
And as I fade away, I hear Caboose say, "Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?" Dear God, Caboose!
So I sneak up on the red base and see Grif and Simmons standing there and talking…again. But there's a new addition, Lopez. So I decide to possess him. Meanwhile, they're going on with Simmons saying, "Hey."
Grif replied, "Yeah."
Simmons asks him, "You ever wonder why we're here."
Grif retorts, "No. I never wonder why we're here. Semper fi, bitch."
Then I make my move, "Keegakergerk"
Simmons turns around saying, "What? What's wrong with Lopez?"
Grif just keeps facing the canyon, "I don't care."
Simmons asks Lopez/Me, "Hey, Lopez, uh... you okay man?"
So I go to tell him, "Guys I need to give a warning." But it comes out, "Aye, muchachos, necesité darle... un aviso..." (A/N: Ok, for this section, the captions will be in parantheses after the quote)
Wait, am I speaking Spanish? "¿Qué¿Por qué estoy el hablar en español¡Yo no puedo hablar español!" (What! Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish.
So Simmons, maybe understanding, says, "Um... Sure."
"¡No¡No, escucha mé¡La bruja teva a matar¡Ella está travajando en la tanque!" (No, listen to me! The mean woman is going to kill you! She is fixing the tank!) Come on, understand PLEASE!
That's when Caboose gets on the radio saying, "Come in Private Church. Do you copy. Soldier unit Tex almost has the armor vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. Ahem. How is your progression?"
So I tell him, "¡Caboose¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí¡No mas puedo hablar español!" (Caboose! No one here is listening to me! And I can only speak Spanish for some reason!)
So I turn off the radio and try to slowly explain in basic terms to these idiots that a big tank is coming. "UN TANKEEEEEEEEE GRAAAAAAAANDEEEEEEE!"
Grif says, "Hey. I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language." But my attention is in the background where I can see Sheila. And I hear, "Target locked." Oh SHIT!
"What country? We're on an alien planet." Simmons retorts to Grif.
"What are you, a Communist?" BAM! GODDAMNIT!
Grif screams, "SON OF A BITCH!"
Simmons screams, "SON OF A BITCH!"
I scream, "MADRE DE DIOS!" (SON OF A BITCH! not really, but same concept) I also started freaking out and pointing at the idiots on the ridge…with my middle fingers.
Sarge says, "Simmons. I'm coming around in the Warthog. Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by."
Simmons replies, "Roger that."
Then Grif, the lazy coward says, "I'll uh…I'll stay here."
"Yeah, stay here and guard this cement ramp. It's vital to our success." He gets on the machine gun. "Alright, I'm on board."
Sarge starts to explain his grand master plan, "Alright, here's the plan-." BAM! "JUNEBUG!" Bye-bye jeep…again.
So the two come back, and Grif says, "Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?"
Simmons also seems annoyed, "Yeah, uh, did you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?"
So he says, "If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly."
Then, Grif, wiseass that he is, kneels down next to Simmons and says, "Uh, hey Simmons? By the way, the ramp is secure."
Another round goes off near us, and Donut comes out…in his pink armor. "Hey, what're you guys doin' up here?"
Grif says, "That chick in the black armor's back."
"What chick, the one that stuck the grenade to my head?"
Simmons responds, "That's the one."
"The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armor?" Light RED! More like PINK!
Grif shared my sentiments, "Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really dude. It's a whole lot faster just to say pink."
"Ohhuw. Oh I been waiting for this." He runs to the edge of the base after another round goes off. Then he screams, "HEY BITCH! REMEMBER ME! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA!"
Then he hurls this grenade high in the air and we all watch it. It just sails through the air before it comes to a rest…right on Tex's chest. I think I hear her say, "Oh crap."
Donut screams, "HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY WHORE!"
Then it explodes and I shout, "DIOS MIO, NO!" (MY GOD, NO!) I run out to the tank screaming, "TEJAS! TEJAS!" (TEX! TEX!)
I arrive at her side as she's dying. She says, "Church, is that you? It, it's gone, Church. The A.I., it's gone. Thank you. Heeeee, bleah..."
………………
I watch her for a minute, then look up at the idiots on the ridge, looking down at us. Basically, if I was still alive, and my helmet was off…then I'd be wide-eyed, veins-popping out of my forehead, and snarling like a grizzly. You know, that completely deranged face an anime character gets when they get INCREDIBLY PISSED OFF! Those two better watch out, because it's gonna be the return of Hulkamania, running wild on them. Time to go FUCK START BOTH OF THEIR HEADS!
Season 1 is done. BB with Season 2 in a few days. R + R