Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…
Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2005.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/N: Ok, sorry for being late. APs and Finals…and the fact that I totally forgot about this. Well…ONTO SEASON 2!

Chapter 4:

Back in Blue

3 Months Later…

"Hey Church, we have a problem." Ok, recap of the past three months. First off, I kicked both of the idiots' asses 'cause I felt like it. We then buried both my body and Tex's body. Then for 6 weeks, we tried as hard as humanly (and ghostly) possible to get the fucking Spanish setting on Lopez turned off. Then, we spray painted my body blue. Now, things are back to normal…somewhat.

"I am NOT your mother. So don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something the other doesn't like," I yelled at Tucker. They've been bitching to me back and forth for like a month now, Tucker especially.

"I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice," he bitched about Caboose.

"No I didn't," Caboose retorted directly to Tucker.

"Oh, so you're saying that you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a BIRTHDAY PRESENT!"

"Y'know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context," Caboose said in probably the single most intelligent sounding sentence he's ever said.

"What? What context?"

"Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd established by now…" I started to explain when someone behind me said,

"Excuse me."

I shrug it off and continued to Caboose and Tucker, "Hey pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Ah look, I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention, is not gonna do ya any good."

"Excuse me," he said yet again.

So I turned around and saw this guy in purple armor, "Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you?"

Behind me, Caboose said something to Tucker to make him say, "He's doing that thing again..."

Anyway, the new guy says, "My name's DuFresne... uh, are you Private Tucker?" Ok, first off for you readers, this guy is Medical Officer Dufresne, or Doc as we call him. He's very vital to the story later on, but right now, he's an annoyance.

"No, I am not Private Tucker," I told him, and I'm very thankful for that. "My name is Church. This is Private Tucker," I said pointing behind me to my left.

"Yo," the idiot responded.

"And our friend over there in regulation blue, that's Caboose…or O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's calling himself." Yeah, after the whole Tex incident, Caboose started to call himself O'Malley, and this is probably the most important fact of the story, but that's for another time.

"Why did you introduce me second?" he asked me.

Tucker put it bluntly and perfectly, "Because he hates you."

Doc explained, "I received your call for a medic."

Caboose turned his head at that, "Medic? That was like 3 months ago."

Tucker added, "Yeah, what'd you do, CRAWL all the way here?"

"I came as quickly as I could," he said. "Where's the patient?"

Not gonna like this, "Well, she's about 50 yards behind you…and SIX FEET straight DOWN!" Yeah, like I said, we buried Tex already.

"Oh. I'm sorry about your loss."

That caught me off guard, "What- oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks man, it was tough but, well, what're you gonna do..."

Caboose said, "We didn't like her very much. She was mean to other people."

Doc made an interesting observation, there's two graves over there, "Who's in the other grave?"

Ok, ready for awkwardness? "That's uh, that's me. I'm in that grave."

So Doc looks at me all weird, "...uh huh. ...course."

And thus, more foot in mouth, "See, he got killed by this crazy, runaway tank…"

Tucker interrupts him, "Or by the idiot driving it."

Caboose resumes, merely acknowledging that he killed me, "Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh, oh! And then we had to uh, oyathatsright, spray paint him, ah, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. ...who ...is blue."

Tucker then added, "Right, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off." Well, it's off, but I can still control it bitch.

"No esta completamente apagado, bendejo." (Not entirely turned off, moron).

So the dumbass just hangs his head, sighs, and says, "I'll go get the Spanish dictionary."

So Doc was really confused, "Wait, so, no one here is hurt?"

I switched back to English and told him, "No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever. See now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before."

Caboose was a little shocked, "You said they were shorting out."

So, I switch them off, "I'm sorry, what was that Caboose? I can't hear you."

Doc continued raising this medical thing, with this green light that he once told indicates depression, cancer, and other medical problems…and causes impudency.

"Well then let me just check you two out, and I'll be on my way."

Tucker seemed a little freaked out by this, "Whoa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?"

"No, I'm just gonna check your vitals."

Foot in mouth, once again, "I bet I have better vitals than you... What's a vital?" My God, you're stupid. But then I realize something, he's checking the morons…and then leaving. What the fucking hell?

"On your way? I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here to join our squad?"

"No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed." Well you're failing…BADLY!

"First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the reds."

"Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector." Oh you have GOT to be kidding me! Basically…he's a gigantic pussy. But Tucker, had no idea what "conscientious objector" meant. Hell, I don't even think he knows conscientious means. "A conshe- who?"

So Doc had to explain it to him, "I'm a pacifist."

"You're a thing babies suck on?"………I'm not gonna say anything.

"No, dude. That's a pedophile," Tucker told Caboose. Now I have to say something.

"Tucker, I think he means a pacifier," dumbass.

"Oh, right. Man I was totally thinking of something else." Wow, you might be the most sexually challenge man in the universe.

"That's real classy, Tucker."

So Doc does his scan, then says, "Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the red base?"

Tucker asked, "Why? You said you weren't gonna fight 'em." Tucker had a point, which is why I got really disturbed by Doc's next statement.

"I'm not. Resources are low, so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time." Ok, now you are REALLY kidding me. I mean, why would our army ALLOW this guy to help the Reds. OUR GOAL IS TO KILL THE REDS…isn't it?

"Man, that is so freaking LAME!"

"I'm just gonna go to red base and see if they need any help."

So I gave him a quick warning, "Well, if you're gonna go up to red base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingie of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand." That's when a sniper shot happened to whiz by and hit Doc's scanner. Wait…sniper shot?

Oh shit. "Yeah, just like that. SCATTER!"

Suddenly, we're bombarded by a haze of bullets. The reds had actually formulated an attack plan. THEY NEVER ATTACK! They just sit at their base and bitch. Why the fuck are they finally attacking. Now Caboose ran behind this rock on the other side of the base. We had a perfectly good one over here, but he's an idiot. I could just let him die…or I could send Tucker to die with him…Yeah, I'm sending Tucker.

"Ok, Tucker. I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice."

Tucker looked at me like a deer in the headlights, "I didn't even know what the half of that meant."

"Just go over to Caboose's rock, and fire your gun a bunch."

He looks over at Caboose, "That rock!" and between us and Caboose was a literal HAIL of bullets. "Yeah, I don't think so."

"We do not have time to discuss this."

"Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich."

"Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire." Not really, but…yeah, not really.

"Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now."

I smiled, "No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?"

So, with Tucker being a pussy, I decided to see if Doc was LESS of a pussy than I thought he was before. "Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!"

"My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne." Well, we have a problem.

"Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc."

"I'm not really comfortable with that; I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic." Yeah, so?

"What's the difference?" Tucker just had to ask.

"Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable…while they die."

That scared the living shit out of Tucker, "Mental note: don't ever get shot."

But, I didn't care about that, "It's settled then. Your name is now Doc."

"Alright, but I don't think it'll stick."

"Oh, trust us, it'll stick." Tucker added.

Now back to business at hand. "Now get over to Caboose, and help him hold that position."

"I don't have a gun, I am a pacifist." Pussy.

"Well then just get over there, and yell bang bang bang."

"Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive." Even BIGGER pussy.

Tucker added, "Oh, come on."

"Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt."

Is that so? Well I could shoot Tucker, but then he'd just stay here. Oh yeah, I'm going to enjoy this. "Huh. I see." I shot Caboose in the foot and he started crying. "Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc."

"You know, you could have just asked nicely." Just get over there…pussy.

Well eventually, Doc started helping Caboose and I heard Caboose say, "I can't believe Church shot me."

"OH DON'T EVEN START CABOOSE!"

Now in this time, that hail of bullets I mentioned before stopped. Tucker asks me, "Hey dude, why aren't the reds firing?"

"I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo."

That is when Sarge yells down to us, "Hey blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!"

What? "Surrender!"

Oh yeah, they're out of ammo. Let's try to see who's fault it is shall we. They probably handed out the job in a staff meeting. Sarge loves Simmons too much to make him do it. Donut just does everything that Sarge says and both of them are probably ready to kiss ass in a meeting...yeah, Grif was supposed to bring ammo.

So Sarge repeats himself, "I repeat, We are giving you a chance to surrender!"

I tell Tucker, "Yeah, they're definitely out of ammo." Then I turn to the reds and ask, "What are your terms?"

"THEY'RE WHAT!" I wasn't really gonna surrender, I just wanted to see what they wanted to make it look real.

So, after a few seconds, Sarge screams back, "Alright blues! First off! We want your flag..."

Oh great, we have to give them that. But then I saw Simmons say something to Sarge, and heard "chick in the black armor." Tex must've done some number on them when I heard the rest to the sentence.

"…to stay right where it is! Keep the flag!" Yeah, suck it bitch. "But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!"

"Uh-oh." Oh shit.

"You may know him as Senor El Roboto." (Too lazy to find the thing with the tilde)

Tucker asks me, "Well Church, what's it gonna be?"

FUCK NO! "Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing."

"And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!" Sarge finishes.

I yell back, "Uh, uh he's not here any more!"

Tucker assists, "Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" and then he just took off!"

"That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French." Wait, French…I got it. "Let's try this. Hey reds! How about a medic! Would you take a medic as a hostage!"

So Doc overhears this and says, "A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there."

Meanwhile I ask Doc about Caboose, "Hey Doc. How's the patient?"

"Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive."

Tucker is confused, "He's talking about Caboose, right?" Yeah I don't think Caboose is ever alert or responsive when needed to be. But that's not what I'm asking about.

"No I mean his toe, how's the toe I shot?"

"What that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago."

Caboose then starts sobbing, "Rest in peace, pinky toe." Then suddenly his voice gets really deep and he says, "You shall be avenged!"

But then Doc agrees, "Tell you what. Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help."

Ok reds, here's your deal, "Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get?"

Simmons didn't take to kindly to me asking for something, "You! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!"

Tucker told them, "We've already got that! What else do you have?"

So Sarge asks us, "What do you want?"

Perfect… "How about if you admit that the red team sucks?"

They quickly whispered something and Sarge asked, "What if we admit that one of us sucks?"

I hear Grif say, "Nice. Wait, you mean Donut, right?"

Two hours later…

"Okay then! We agree to the terms? You first, and then we send over the medic!" This is gonna be funny as hell. Grif is standing out in the open. I wish I had a video cam- Oh wait, I do. Hehehe.

"Ugh, I would just like to let everyone know, that I suck...!"

Not enough "And?"

"And that I'm a girl...!"

Keep going. "What else?"

"And I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the boys...!"

Simmons asks, "Okay, is that good enough?"

"Yeah! Alright, go ahead Doc."

Ok, so recap. The medic arrived, the reds attacked, I got some revenge on Caboose, and now the annoying medic is gone. Now for other matters… "Hey Tucker, gimme a piggyback ride into the base." Oh this is gonna be funny as shit.