The Church Files, A Red Vs Blue Story Chapter 5, a red vs. blue fanfic

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files

Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

DX IS BACK BITCHES! AND I'VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU ALL THAT DON'T REVIEW! But that's neither here nor there. We've got a story to write.

Chapter 5:

Some Switches are Better Left Turned Off

Ok, so the idiot didn't want to give me a piggyback ride, but then Tucker had a smart suggestion. "Hey Church, if your body is the red team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?"

That was actually a good idea. But then, Tucker has his moments…which come more often than Caboose's. I wonder if I can declare him clinically braindead? Oh well. "Huh... Well, yeah it's worth a shot, I guess. Ahem, Alright. Stand back. Huhrur... Keeungh... Hoom..." Ok, I have no idea how this piece of shit robot works.

"Anything?"

"Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be."

"Maybe there's a button on you somewhere..." Good thinking, you look, I'll just sit here checking his systems.

"See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here... Hurhoor... Oh! Hey!" YES!

"Found it?"

"Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way."

"What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing."

"Celsius, Tucker."

"Oh come on dude, celcius sucks." So he crouched down to check my lower body, "Hey, I found something."

"Oh yeah? You found a button?"

"No dude, it's more like a…switch." He paused, which means he thinks that the switch is bad. And the switch is bad why?

"Well, give it a flip."

"I don't wanna flip it."

"What's the problem?" Not like its…y'know.

"It's in a weird place." It is…y'know. Shit.

"Oh you've gotta be kidding me."

"You flip it." Yeah right. I'm not gonna…y'know…make it look like I'm jacking off in public. Besides, "These arms aren't that flexible. I can't even reach down there." His next suggestion was even worse.

"What about Caboose?"

HELL FUCKING NO! HE IS NOT TOUCHING THIS BODY UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY! Wait…it is absolutely necessary, shit. Hell, he probably doesn't even know how one of these works. "Man, he's so stupid, I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch."

"Oh man..." JUST DO IT ASS!

"Tuck, Tucker, come on. We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner."

So he tries…then bitches. Who didn't see that one coming. "It won't move, it's stuck."

So I smirked and said, "Did you try wiggling it?"

To which he, rather vehemently replied, "No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle."

Bitch, "Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it." So he tries again…

So one awkward moment of silence later, I add, "So, you from around here baby?"

"Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk like that."

"Alright alright alright alright, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding." Not…Gaylord.

"I wish Tex was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it." I don't think so, buddy.

"You obviously did not know Tex that well." So he kneels back down and this time, it works. However, now I hear this constant beeping noise. At the time I had no idea what I just did, but it seems that I somehow activated a remote control for the Reds' jeep.

"There! Anything?"

"Nope. Nothin'. That's kinda weird. Do you hear something beeping?"

"What? What beeping, I don't hear anything."

What the hell do you mean what beeping, It's blowing my ears out.

"Ok, shut up and listen." So he did… "There, you hear that?"

"Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise, followed by a series of random clicks?" he asked.

"No it's just like this constant 'beep beep beep' noise."

"Oh... then no, I don't hear anything." Hold on, whistling and clicks? What the hell?

"Do you eh, wait - do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?"

"No, I was just tryin' to be helpful." Right…ok then.

"Yeah, well, you're failing."

Foot in mouth returns, "All I hear is that voice, you know telling us to kill all our friends before they have a chance to kill us."

So both of us look at Caboose, who just happened to walk up to us at that time. Cue the awkward silence…and then more foot in mouth. "Wait, you guys don't hear that?"

So back to the matter at hand, "Oh man, I can't take this any more. Tucker, you're gonna have to do something, man, this beeping is going to drive me crazy."

That's where the funny shit starts happening to the reds. The jeep starts driving itself. Meanwhile, we try to turn the damn thing off.

Caboose kneels down because Tucker was too weak to move the switch…at least that's what he told me…dumbass. "I see a switch down here. It's not very big."

Tucker tells him, "Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it."

"Wait, stop." Ok, let's make sure he doesn't break it.

"Caboose... do you know how to work a switch?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…." Great, I was right.

"Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in one direction, just turn it around, so that it's pointed in the other direction."

A few seconds later, "Oops. It broke itself."

"UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" CABOOSE! I KNEW HE COULDN'T BE TRUSTED!

So, with the switch gone, Tucker now starts messing with the wires, "Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red."

Foot in mouth, "What about the blue one?"

"That's your thumb, idiot." Wow.

"Come on guys, just grab whichever one goes to the switch, and yank it out." I was getting pissed and bored.

"Ey, I can't tell which one goes over there."

"Then just Yank 'em both!"

Caboose resumes babbling, "Church, if we pick the wrong one, you could explode."

"I don't care, look, just follow the red one."

Now our technical wizard Tucker starts digging DEEPER into Lopez. "Okay, I see what's going on here. The red one goes close to the switch, and the green one goes... yeugh, someplace else."

"Fine, just pull it. Take out the red one."

After a little more senseless babbling by Caboose, Tucker is ready to pull the wire out.

"Okay Church, you ready, I'm gonna yank the wire."

"JUST DO IT ALREADY!"

"Alright, Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three!" So he pulls it out and the beeping stops.

"Oh God yes, finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts!" So I go to walk to the base, but somethings wrong. "Hey. Why can't I move my legs?" Oh shit…

"This is great, this is just great. Thanks a lot Caboose. Now what'm I supposed to do: my lower half is damaged."

"Why don't you try walking it off?"

Oh…my…God. "I can't use my legs, moron.".

"Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running? My God, you're stupid

Tucker stepped in to interrupt more stupid comments, "This doesn't seem like that big a deal, you hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides."

"Hey, I already told you: that was for science."

"Why don't you just try, walking on your hands? Then you could your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... you know, the important stuff." Shut up, Caboose.

So I tell Tucker, "Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something."

So he does something, "What about that, do you feel that Church?"

"No, what're you doing, I don't feel anything."

Then Caboose starts up again, "Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?"

"Hey Caboose? Yeah. Shut up."

"Uh... Church? I think that you should know that the reds are-."

SHUT UP! "Dammit Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!"

That's when I heard a voice behind me, "Hey blues, we're here to-. What the hell are you guys doing?" You have got to be kidding me.

So Tucker says, "Oh crap, the reds are here."

"What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything? Hey. One of you guys turn me around. I still can't move my legs."

Grif, one of the two reds that came asked, "What were you doing down there?" Oh shit, don't tell me he thinks we're gay because of that.

"Nothing. What're you talking about?"

"We were just playing a game!"

"Hey Caboose, we'll handle this."

So I heard Grif and Doc mumble something. Wait…Doc? What's he doing here?

"Whaddaya want, reds? Get outta here, or we'll start shootin' at ya!"

Grif tells me, "Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?" So I try to shift myself around on my waist, but it doesn't get me anywhere, "Uhgh... no."

"Yeah I didn't think so. Punk." What was that, girlpants?

So Simmons starts up, "Whoa whoa whoa, calm down guys. We didn't come here to fight. We just came to give back the prisoner." Wait, WHAT!

"Give him back? You can't give him back, you took him, a deal's a deal."
"Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him." Grif tells us. Well we don't either, jackass. That's why we gave him to you in the first place.

"Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner. That was our last one." I tell him, still facing away from him.

"Hey dude, what is your problem?"

"Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite not to look at someone when you're talking to them?"

Foot in mouth time….now, "He's shy!" No, my leg motors are just busted.

"Shut up. Look, we don't want him back, and we don't care what you do with him. Now if you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone. We're in the middle of something, kinda private over here."

Simmons tells us, "Fine, but don't come asking for him back later."

Tucker adds, "We won't."

Grif says, "Last chance."

"BEAT IT REDS!"

"Alright, we're goin', we're goin'."

So it's quiet for a while, and I ask the idiots, "What's going on? Are they there? Did they leave? Hey somebody tell me what's happening!"

"I don't know, I can't really see too clearly. I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle..."

"Uh, Tucker? You might wanna look behind you." I tell him, because he's facing the red base. So he turns around and sees a very scary sight…Caboose holding the sniper rifle.

"Mother fucker."

"Uh ooh Church, Church. Okay, I s, I see something... okay... uh the two red ones are walking away... uh... but the purple one is..." Then Caboose's voice gets really deep and he says, "I think he's going to attack."

"Purple. Oh wait, the purple guy's that worthless medic."

Tucker says, "He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy fest."

"PACIFIST!" Dumbass.

"Ah, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter."

"Wait a second wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kind of trick."

Then the retard says, "I'll bet they've used some kind of, brain washing technique on him. They're, they're probably planning, to have him do, all their dirty plans... and also the schemes..."

"Caboose, that is ridiculous." Tucker points out.

Then more retardedness follows, "Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, it's the most ridiculously perfect idea, that you never thought of."

"No, just the regular kinda ridiculous."

So I tell Caboose, "Well just keep your eye on him. We'll know it's a trick if he tries to get in to our base."

That's when Doc yells out, "Hey guys, euh, do you think I could come and hang out at your base for a while?"

Cue the retard, "I knew it... we're all gonna die... Starting with you!" he says, pointing at Tucker.

"Sorry, but we're kinda busy here. So go away... or something." Wow, Tucker, real original.

"Normally I wouldn't impose, it's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well, and-." God, Doc is just as bad as Caboose.

"Listen Doc, you're not fooling anybody with that innocent victim routine." I scream at him.

"Hey uh I could help! I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too, maybe I could help you with your problem facing people!"

"Just, get outta here! And tell your buddies the reds, that their little 'plan' failed."

Now we return to our top story…LET'S GET MY FUCKING LEGS WORKING!

R + R or else I've got TWO WORDS FOR YA! (Large crowd yells "SUCK IT!")