Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…
Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2005.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

ALRIGHT! We are crankin' them out! This is my 3rd chapter in the last 2 weeks. Season 2 is being SMOKED! Soon we hit Season 3 and all hell breaks loose.

Chapter 6:
The O'Malley Incident – Part 1

Ok, for the last hour now, Tucker has been yanking and reattaching wires all over my lower body…and nothing has worked. "Alright Tucker, what the hell are we gonna do man, I gotta get my legs working here."

"I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there. I think we should call in a professional. Maybe someone who can fix Sheila, too." Not a bad idea…oh wait. It is, wanna know why.

"Okay great idea, but the only two people who can do that are Señor El Roboto, and Tex."

Caboose decided to jump into the conversation, "Hmm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with."

And then TUCKER had the foot in mouth, "Yeah. Dead people usually are."

"Quite frankly Tucker," I told him bluntly, "I find your attitude offensive."

Then the idiot spoke again, "What about that Lopez person. Is he available?"

"No," dumbass, "I'm in his body. Remember?"

"Well... why don't you just leave his body, and then Tucker and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!" Girlfriend? Who the fuck is your girlfriend, because Tex is mine…was mine…is…aw, who cares?

"Girlfriend, what?"

"You retard?"

"I mean uh, Tucker and I will make him fix you, and uh the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me. Uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done."

….

…

Caboose had a good idea. Tucker spoke his mind first, "I'm confused, that actually seems like a good idea."

"I know."

"...But Caboose said it."

"I KNOW!"

That's when Tucker whacked me in the forehead. "Ack, what the hell was that for?"

"I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming, so I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't." My God. You are a fucking idiot.

"Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else. You get somebody else to pinch you."

"Dude, it doesn't matter what kinda dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me."

Well guess what, "If you dented my forehead, Tucker, I am gonna be pissed."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Let's try this: I'll jump out of Lopez's body real quick, you two just watch him, make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Okay, Church!" Ok, let's hope they don't mess this up.

"Ughhh, alright. Here goes nothing'. Hegakergerk!" So I jumped out of Lopez, it took me a minute to get resituated and then I reappeared.

"Yeahah, back in the spirit world, alright. Man I forgot how good this feels. Kinda... loosey-goosey." Hold on…Tucker's there, Caboose is there…where's Lopez? "Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?"

Tucker goes to turn around. "Why do you care about your body, you can't even move yer-," and he sees Lopez running back to Red Base, "Oh hey look, your legs work!"

What the hell! Tucker wasted an hour working on shit, I leave the body for two seconds, AND HE'S FRICKING ALREADY HALFWAY ACROSS THE CANYON! So Caboose decided to do the stupidest thing against a robot…He shot at it.

"THIS ONE IS MINE!"

"Hey Caboose, whoa cut it out man! You're gonna damage my body! Tucker, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there."

I faded out and reappeared over at the teleporter's exit, just as Lopez arrived there. "Alright, hold it right there amigo," I told him. Just then, something came through and I heard this strange hissing. Lopez said in his Spanish accent, "¿Mira que cosa mas fina?" Then continued running, this time, back to our base.

I yelled after him, "Hey, I said hold it, not run away! You big... robot baby!" That's when I saw this rock at my feet, "What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade..." I WAS RIGHT! Wait. "Aw crap." Then it exploded in my face.

I stood there in the smoke for a few seconds, coughing, "What the hell? Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? And why'm I coughing? I don't have lungs." At that precise moment, the WartHog drove by, carrying Sarge and Simmons with it. I decided to take the opportunity to make my way over to Sheila. Then I heard another explosion, I looked over my shoulder and saw the Warthog flying through the air…I mean it was a good 100 FEET IN THE AIR! Then it crash landed, upside down at the front of the Red Base.

So Tucker and Caboose eventually brought Lopez over to Sheila and I outlined the details of our little "arrangement."

"Alright, that's the deal mister robot. You fix our tank, we'll let you go free."

SO Caboose whispered to Tucker, "I thought the plan was to trick him in to fixing the tank, and then Church will take over his body again when he is done."

"Yeah. But you don't tell the person you're tricking what's going on, Caboose."

"So if I'm the one being tricked, then you would not tell me what is really going on?"

"Why would we trick you?"

"Oh I think you know."

So Lopez then obviously asked me a question, "¿Dónde yo iré? Mis amigos quieren matar me." And of course, I don't understand a WORD of Spanish.

"Okay, I'm gonna take that as a yes, aaand let you get busy with tank fixing."

"No tengo hogar."

So I took a break to watch TV for about an hour and saw Vince McMahon get shit dropped on him and his buddies by DX. When I came back to Sheila, I saw Caboose hopping up and down, "Hurry hurry hurry, fix the tank! So that I can say hello to Sheila… And start killing everyone!"

Tucker asked him, "You mean all the reds, right?"

"Of course!... For starters!"

So I got back and asked Lopez, "Come on, how much longer Lopez?"

He replied, "Completo." Ok, that obviously means finish, because at that moment, Sheila turned on.

"Thank you for activating the M808Z Main Battle Tank." Caboose was more than happy.

"Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed."

"Hello Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me."

So Tucker put it bluntly, "He didn't fix you, a robot did it."

"Don't cock-block me!"

"Dude, come on."

Sheila seemed a little confused, "Robot? I wasn't aware that our squad was outfitted with a robot."

Suddenly, Lopez looked up at her, and Sheila looked at him…and it was obvious what was going on…EVEN CABOOSE SAW IT!

"I don't like where this is going," he said.

So they started talking, "Hello there. My name is Sheila. The M808Z Main Battle Tank."

"Y yo soy Lopez, la pesado."

"Lopez. What a nice name, for such a nice soldier. You have such excellent motor skills."

Caboose tried to break up the lovers, "Ummmm yes. Well Lopez has to go now. He was just here to help me fix you, and now he has to go away!" hinting for me to take back my body.

Tucker told me to do it more directly, "Dude, this is getting weird. Church, will you take your fucking body back?"

"Roger that."

Lopez was offended by it and I tried to make my move, "NO! Hegakergerk!" Wait…I'm not even there yet. What's going on?

"You okay in there Church? Church. Hey what's going on? Do I need to flip your switch?"

"What the... that wasn't me! What the hell's going on here?"

That's when a familiar feminine voice came from Lopez, "Well. Buenos dias cockbites. Guess who's back." OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

"Get out of my body right now, Tex!"

"Your body? This isn't your body, I stole it!"

"Yeahah, but I stole it first!"

This just completely confused Sheila, "I am confused, I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed... and I like it."

Caboose then directed a comment about Tex, in his "scary voice". "I know how to get her out of there..." Tex turn to face him, and he continued, "…wink."

So I had to stop him, "Caboose, don't. Look, just go explain to Sheila, okay?"

So he went off the explain to Sheila while the adults (me and Tex) and the jackass talked about our problems, "Alright Tex, now what's it gonna take to get you outta there?"

"Well ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys a lot," she started. Then Tucker interrupted, "Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've watching us all the time?"

Then he looked back towards this rock covered in teal paint, "Like even when we're alone?"

"Yes Tucker, and you should be very ashamed of yourself."

Tucker hung his head, "It's very lonely out here."

So Tex continued her story, "Anyway, I've noticed a change in one of your guys. Caboose."

You did, what happened to him, cause I haven't been paying attention, "A change? Like what, he's finally learned the whole alphabet?"

"You haven't noticed that he's become increasingly aggressive lately?"

Tucker spoke up. "I have. Started about the same time Sheila got disabled, and you got blown up. I tried to tell Church, but he never listens."

"Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."

AND CUE THE FLASHBACK! Ok, this time, we're flashing to when Tex was fixing the tank for the attack on the reds. "I had just finished repairing the tank, when I overheard Church's plan to warn the reds about me." (Flashback me: I guess I'm gonna do the only thing I can do. I gotta warn the reds.)

"From what I can tell, the A.I. calculated the odds of survival, and didn't like the results. Once Caboose turned on his radio to call Church, it took its chance." (Flashback Caboose: Calling Private Church. Come in Church.)

That's when Tucker made the connection, "And that was when he said his name was O'Malley. So the A.I. that was in you infected Caboose?"

"Right. Everyone's armor has one slot for A.I., and Caboose's would have been vacant." I finished.

"I think there are a few of his non-artificial slots that are empty too." I'd have to agree with you there Tucker. Obviously missing a few screws.

Tex finished her story, "And before I could figure out what happened, that bitch, hit with a really lucky shot. (Flashback Tex: Aw crap! BOOM!) And the next thing I know, I'm a ghost."

"Alright, I get it. Caboose has your precious little A.I. So let me guess: you're holding my body hostage, until I help you get your A.I. back, right?"

"Wrong." Wrong? Why, whaddya have in mind. "You're gonna help me kill it!" Kill an AI? Is that even possible?

To be continued…

R + R and then Watch DX piss the shit out of Vince McMahon

Shawn Michaels: This public service message was brought to you by your friends at D-Generation X…who would like to remind each and every one of you, that if you're not down with that…WE'VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA! (SUCK IT!)