Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/N: 3 months is far too long. So much has happened, like DX beating the shit out of the McMahons. But more importantly, SEASON 5 IS HERE! AND I GOT A 360! Now it's time for out next chapter.

Chapter 7:
The O'Malley Incident-Part 2

"Well, Tex, that was a great story. I especially liked the part about Church getting panced in high school," Tucker was saying. And I am not going into details on the story.

"I found that part to be ENTIRELY out of context," I said, trying to get back on the main topic about Caboose and O'Malley.

"But I still don't get how we're supposed to stop the A.I." Yeah, how do we do that mistress of secret military program knowledge who I used to date?

"I don't remember much from the implantation process... I do remember that the A.I. can be transmitted from host to host, by way of the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the A.I. took over and we escaped. If we can kill the A.I. and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it."

So we go in Caboose's head, shoot at a computer program, and make sure all the radios in the canyon are turned off. … The laws of physics have clearly been getting lax in the universe. But the most important law is this: Tex gives me my body when we're done. "And then I can have my body back. Deal?"

"Deal." Well, that law seems to still apply. Now for action time. Sucks for you, Tucker. You get the hard part: making sure the reds aren't on their radios.

"Alright. Tex and I will possess Caboose then. Tucker, we need you to work on the reds. Get 'em to turn off their helmet radios, so that O'Malley won't have anywhere to go, once we get him outta there."

Tex had the same idea. "Right."

But Tucker decided to bitch and have us tell him what to do. "What? How the hell am I gonna do that?" Yeah, you're on your own for this.

"I don't know, come up with a plan."

"Come on, you know how I feel about plans." Well suck it up dumbass. Make one up or shoot yourself. Your choice.

"You're not gonna have much time once we get in there, so move fast," Tex added, to make sure he knew exactly what we felt.

Tucker seemed to understand the basic concept, that we had no fucking clue what to do about the radios. "Oh I see. You have no idea what I should do or how I should do it, but whatever I do I should do it fast."

"Yeah that's right."

"Yep."

"Wow, you guys are a lot of help." Hey, we got a megalomaniacal AI on our hands who wants to the destroy the universe. But, here's an idea on getting the Red's to turn of their radios

"Try shifting your paradigm. Think outside the box."

"Hey, the box is there for a reason. I like thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there." No wonder your comebacks suck.

Anyways, time to bag an AI…maybe I won't have to. "Okay Tex, ladies first."

"Yeah right! You think I'm gonna leave you alone out here with your body?" Well that fell apart before it even had a chance.

"Bitch."

"Nice try, Leonard." Whatever, at least we get to mess with Caboose.

"Hey Caboose!"

Caboose looked over to us and said, "Huh?"

Here we go! "Heads up!" And I jumped into his body.

Shortly after I got in, Tex arrived and I asked her to make sure, "Where are we?"

"We're inside Caboose's mind." Oh right, duh. "Now we just have to find O'Malley and kill him."

"Man this is kinda weird."

"It's hard to get used to, I know."

Actually, looking at it, I thought HOLY SHIT! For the mind of a retard, this place is huge.

"No it's not that; it's just this place is a whole lot bigger than I thought it would be."

Now down to business, "So…where should we start, Tex?" She didn't pay attention to me, looking over the catwalk edge. "HEY!"

"What?"

"I said, where should we start, Tex?"

"Just keep your eyes peeled. I guarantee, O'Malley will come looking for us." That's when I saw Tucker come up behind Tex. Wait…TUCKER!

"Hey Tucker, is that you?"

So, looks at me and says, in a manner similar to Caboose, "No, what are you, stupid? Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid."

I was pissed off. "What're you doing in here? You're supposed to be out there working on your part of the plan!"

So he asked me, "Do you have any food? I love to eat all the food."

"What the hell? What's the matter with you?"

Then I thought, wait. Tucker's not dead, how'd he get here? Tex provided my answer very quickly.

"This isn't really Tucker. We're in Caboose's head. This is Caboose's mental image of Tucker."

At this time, 'Tucker' said, "Man I am so unbelievably stupid!"

Just great, that means except for me, Tex, and O'Malley, everyone in here is a total fucking retard. "Well that's great. Everyone we meet in here is bound to be as brain-dead as Caboose then."

Suddenly, 'Caboose' comes up behind me and says, "I would not be so sure of that, Mister Church."

Later…

So we told our story to 'Caboose', and he seemed to understand, oddly, "I see. So you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well."

Wait, what other? O'Malley? "The other... wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?"

That's when this guy comes up in light-blue armor, almost…cobalt. So he yells at me, "Of course he's seen him you idiot! You think Mister Caboose would miss something like that you skeezy douchebag fuck?"

'Caboose' started to say something, but my attention was focused on the new guy, "Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?"

So he tells me, "My name is Church, buttwiping assmunch." … That's not what I sound like.

I whisper to Tex, "This guy's kind of an asshole."
So she says, very matter-of-factly, "Yeah, we've met." I still don't fucking curse every fucking word I fucking say…fuck.

Anyways, 'Leonard' as I will call him tells me, "And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up you limp licking fuck sock!"

WHOA! TIME OUT! I would never kiss up to Caboose in my live and plus, "Okay. There's a lot of stuff in that sentence that I didn't like."

So Tex just tells me, "Just play along, Church. We're gonna need these guys if we're gonna find O'Malley."

That's when 'Tucker' says, "I'm gonna go look for girls." Then he ran off. Well, good riddance to extremely horrible rubbish.

"Fine. Whatever."

So 'Caboose' gives us a strategic piece of information, "If you want to find O'Malley, I suggest we talk to the reds first. He tried to recruit them against me early on."

Wait, "The reds? The reds are in here?" Oh this should be good.

So we pair off and go over to the 'red base'. I got the unlucky assignment of being with 'Leonard.' "Why the hell did they pair me up with you?"

He puts it bluntly, "I want to keep my eye on you! I don't trust gigantic turds to try and steal my best friend you rimjob!"

God help me. Both of me.

"Well... This is going to be a great trip..."

So he runs to the edge of the catwalk and screams down to the hiding 'reds.' "ATTENTION REDS! The great Caboose demands an audience with you! SO LISTEN UP YOU BLOWJOBBING COCKSUCKERS!" Wow, Caboose, I don't curse THAT much.

Anyways, the Reds start to appear. Simmons comes out first, nothing seemed out of place with him, "Caboose? Oh, no, he's come to kill us!"

Then the problems start. Grif comes out…but he's wearing yellow, "Will someone please help me, I don't wanna die." So wrong color, big deal.

That's when Donut arrives…and says in a girl's, not girly, GIRL'S, voice, "I love Caboose, and yet I'm still afraid of him."

And when Sarge comes out, he's depicted as a pirate instead of a southerner, "Arrrr... I be havin' a southern accent, yor'll." And that was so contradictory.

'Donut' adds, "He's so scary," referring to 'Caboose'.

So he says, "Fear not reds, I come here not to destroy. But instead to ask for your assistance on this day."

And that's where I decided to rip Caboose's mind to shreds, "Okay whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. I gotta correct a couple things I'm hearin' here." You first, 'Leonard.' "First of all you? You're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience. Live the dream buddy!"

"Shove it, dicksniffer."

Yeah blow me, now for you 'Great Caboose'. "And Caboose? Come on dude, seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?"

So he seemed annoyed, confused, whatever. "I beg your pardon?"

So I spell it out for him. "First of all, that guy? He's not yellow. He's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?"

'Donut' responds by saying, "My favorite thing is pretty dresses." Totally off topic.

'Sarge' continues the nonsense, "Arrr, I got termites in me leg."

"AND THAT IS NOT A SOUTHERN ACCENT!"

"Arrr…" 'Sarge' didn't seem too happy when I told him that.

And then, 'Donut' said, "Do you have any tampons?" Yeah, this place is seriously fucked up.

"Seriously what is the matter with you people?" I was freaking out until Tex tried to calm me down.

"CALM DOWN, Church."

"Don't kill us Mr. Sidekick," cried 'Grif,' which pissed off 'Leonard'.

"HEY BUTTBRUNCH! I'M CABOOSE'S SIDEKICK, NOT HIM! SO SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!" Then just as he finished a sniper shot rang out from somewhere in Caboose's mind and 'Leonard' fell off the ledge.

I ran over and asked, "Leonard, are you ok."

He replies, "Oh, please. That fudgefinger couldn't hit me…No wait, I'm gonna die. Hergh! Blow me." Wow, I just watched my mental image die before my eyes, but before I could even have a notion of 'grieving', Tex spotted O'Malley.

"THERE HE IS!"

O'Malley merely laughed evilly and Tex got geared up. "Let's go get him."

Ok, now it really is action time. Let's collect the idiots, "Alright, come on Caboose, let's go."

"I am sorry, have we met?" WHAT! YOU KNOW ME DUMBASS!

"What? It's me, Church."

"I don't seem to have any memory of you. My name is Michael J. Caboose. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." OH COME THE FUCK ON! THAT GUY ALSO REPRESENTED HIS MEMORIES OF ME!

"Oh you gotta be freaking kidding me. I just hope Tucker's doing a better job out there gettin' the reds to turn off their radios."

"HURRY UP, CHURCH! HE'S GETTING AWAY!" Ok, Tex has a greater priority than Caboose, so time to chase.

O'Malley yelled at us, "You'll never catch me."

So I caught up to Tex and we kept up our pursuit, "Come on, let's go."

So then we planned to ambush O'Malley. He ran into this field of small pyramids and we stopped off on the far side. When he approached us, we jumped out and cornered him, "Ouh?" was all he could say.

"Alright O'Malley, this is it! From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic, it's gonna be me." That's right. I'm the only one pissing off Tex now.

"Aw, that's sweet."

"Shut up, bitch."

"Asshole." Well, that compliment just got shot to hell.

O'Malley wasn't ready to give up yet, "Nevar! The darkness will swallow you whole!"

Time for awesome one liners, but I didn't hear about Tex's complaints until afterwards, "Forget it O'Malley. You're just one big headache, and I got a whole pistol-full of Aspirin. (What?) I got half a mind to kill you (That's ridiculous), and the other half agrees(Oh Church, that's just stupid). You're about to split (God, Church)…personality (Now you're just embarrassing yourself) . PSYCHE!"

Well, after I finished my one-liners, Tex delivered her own. "Nice knowing you O'Malley, but payback's a bitch, and so am I."

Then I realized. What if Tucker hadn't finished his job? "Wait, Tex, we don't know if Tucker's had enough time."

Her response was simple, "There's only one way to find out." And we opened fire.

O'Malley screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Then O'Malley just disappeared; when the smoke cleared, he was gone.

"Huh. He just disappeared. I expected like, an echoing laugh, er... you know the smell of brimstone, at least. I don't smell any kinda stone. Do you think that's weird Tex? Tex? Tex, where'd you go?" I started to panic, what was I supposed to do, "Tex, where'd you go! How do I get outta here? What happened to O'Malley?"

That's all for now. R + R. AND WATCH EPISODE 79!