Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/N: College sucks. Season 5 rules. Problem with that? TOUGH! It's time for the next segment of The Church Files. Also, thank the Season 2 DVD for the "getting out of Caboose's head" sequence. 5 episodes are covered in this chapter as we finish up Season 2.

Chapter 8:

Mayonnaise Not Required
Or
Episodes 34-38
Or
The O'Malley Incident - Part 3

Ok, now I need to get out of this damn place and get to the guys, because if I don't get back there, they are going to die a horrible death. So, I decided to talk to the remaining idiots in Caboose's head. As I approached, 'Sarge' said, "Ahoy mateys, it be the landlubber, arrrr."

"Hey, guys. Hate to break this up the brain trust you got going on here, but does anybody have any idea how I can get out of this place?" Now before you say anything, who else do you expect me to ask? Tex is gone, Caboose is out cold, and these retards are the only ones left. So they started whining to me like little babies, because that was about their mentality anyways.

'Simmons' and 'Grif' started the bitch patrol, "Where are you gonna leave to? Where else is there to go?"

"Leaving is scary." Not as scary as listening to you guys whine back and forth. So 'Tucker' tries to be helpful, "I think there's a exit in the back…no wait, that's an entrance. It might actually be a window, I don't know." Oh right, I forgot this is Caboose's mind, NO ONE IS HELPFUL!!!!! 'Grif' continued in his whine, "I hear that if you can drink a gallon of milk in 30 minutes, you can leave."

"I think that if you hold your breath till you fall asleep, you wake up outside," 'Simmons' added.

"I'd try eating my way out, but I'd lose my girlish figure," chimed in 'Donut.' All interesting suggestions…BUT NO WHERE NEAR FUCKING HELPFUL!!!! Caboose, your mind is even MORE fucked up than you are in real life.

"I see, so nobody has any idea whatsoever how to do anything…what an enormous surprise."

Then 'Sarge' gave me the one viable suggestion that I could actually use, "Ahoy, ye scallywag. Thar be a way alright, but ye be having to take that long walk down a short plank…alone."

"Wait, what are you saying, I gotta KILL myself to get outta here?" Worth a shot, I'm already dead anyways.

"All this planning is making me nervous. What if Mr. Caboose finds out? He's gonna be mad." As if him being mad were any worse than me being mad. Oh wait, me being mad would result in me fuck-starting everyone with a 60 round magazine of an assault rifle.

"Let me get this straight, I either commit suicide, or I have to spend the rest of my life in here, with you guys. Tough choice… SEE YA!!!" I jumped off the platform we were standing on, and I woke up outside of base. SUCK THAT BITCHES!!!! Afterwards, the idiot passed out and was in a coma for a few days. So, Tucker got back from the red base, but it took a while. Something looked wrong with Sheila. She did just crash through a jeep and into the red base.

"How's Sheila doing" I asked him

So he decided to try and BS up some dumb reason, "I'm not gonna lie, it's not looking pretty. She may have, twisted her differential, possibly some structural damage, ...could be a disc."

"You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, do you."

"Eieh, no, not a clue." Figures, doesn't know how to work a sniper rifle, doesn't know how to drive a tank, and doesn't know how much I fucking hate him.

Now, if you remember, I lost Tex somewhere in Caboose's mind. Maybe, Tucker had seen her, "What about Tex, any sign of her?"

"No, no Tex. Is it unusual for her to disappear like that?" Yeah, but under the circumstances, I don't think Tex would do what she normally does when she ditches me, "When we were dating, she'd sneak off all the time. But it was usually to sleep with other guys, or to spend money that she'd taking out of my wallet. And since I don't have any money, and... well, no offense to you Tucker, but..."

"You're a dick." Once again, Tucker is the master of comebacks…not.

So that's where we decided to check up on Caboose. He was finally awake and moving about…damn. I was hoping command could send us another rookie. One who wasn't as retarded…or who had less annoying people in his brain. Tucker decided to bring Caboose up to speed, "Man, Caboose you were asleep for a long time." Like I said, Tucker brought him up to speed….by about 1 mile an hour. "What were you dreaming about?"

"Oh, nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I'm sleeping." Yeah, we noticed.

"That's pretty much how you function when you're awake, too."

"I think consistency is important." Ok, Tucker, you're not getting anywhere, I'm taking over.

"Well you look okay... then again that's... just the armor. How d'you feel?"

"Great!" Well, that's…no, wait…hold on…carry the seven…divided by….yeah, that's good. "Who're you?"

SON OF A BITCH!!! HE STILL DOESN'T REMEMBER?!?!?! "Oh COME ON, not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?"

"Oh of course, I remember you…" Oh, good… "you're Marvin."

MY GOD!!! "I'M CHURCH!!!!!!!"

"I think I would remember a name that ridiculous." MY NAME RIDICULOUS?!?!?! HOLY SHIT!! YOU'RE NAME IS THE REAR OF A FUCKING TRAIN!!!!!!!!! "Nope, you are definitely Phil."

Ok, time to jump start his memory with some of my more painful ones, "You killed me with the tank."

"Dave." No.

"You insulted my girlfriend, you called her a cow?"

"Terence." Not.

"Dude, he called her a slut." NOT HELPING TUCKER!

"Phineous." Not even close.

"Your whole life is based around pleasing me."

"Wally." Stop guessing.

"In fact…"

"Milo?" Don't interrupt ass.

"I think you're kind of obsessed with being my best friend."

So, he turns to Tucker, and whispers, rather loudly, "The new guy is pretty full of himself."

OK, OK, BACK UP!!!! I WAS HERE OVER MONTH BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW I EXISTED!!!! AND I LIVED THROUGH THE WORST SHIT IN MY LIFE! "New guy, what the- I'm not the new guy, you're the new guy."

Tucker decided to be even LESS of a help, "I don't know, I kinda like it. I could get used to calling you Rookie."

Yeah, get ready for a serious ass-whooping if you follow up with that. "Oh yeah? Could you get used to me beating you to death?"

"What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad." Fuck this.

"Oh, son of a bitch."

"Susan?" Yeah, definitely, fuck this.

So a couple of hours passed and eventually, his memory restored itself. How, I don't know and I really don't give a shit. But, now, Tucker decides to tell me that we have a more important situation. "Hey Church, we might have a problem."

Great, not again. "Is this a new problem, or did Caboose get his head stuck in the freezer again?" How he managed that, I still will never understand.

"New one." Good. "Sheila and Lopez are now considering leaving to form their own robot army. They said no one would dare oppose them." Bad…VERY EXTREMELY HORRIBLY BAD!

"What? Did you try to talk them out of it?"

"No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them!" Way to help them prove that they're correct Tucker.

"Oh man, well we gotta find a way to separate 'em. Maybe it's time to get rid of Lopez."

"But without Lopez you wouldn't have a body to use. Why don't you just posess him like you normally do?" Yeah, I know I'm sacrificing my body, but better lose that than get…no wait, then I could probably…yeah, it's better than getting everybody else killed…or is it? And about the possessing, I think there might be a problem with that.

"I would, but it's getting harder to do it each time. I think he's learned to fight it somehow."

That's when someone decided to complicate matters even more. And it wasn't Caboose or Tucker…or Tex.

It was Donut. Apparently, he was in the cave, probably trying to sneak around do some recon shit, but Tucker and Caboose, finally doing something smart, captured him. Then, Caboose guarded him in the base as Tucker and I discussed what to do with pinky. "How's it goin', Tucker? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?"

"I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?"

Well, let's consider this, "Do we have a crock-pot?"

"No." Then no, it would not be useful. "Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box."

Ok, this'll be good, "What was in the mystery box?"

"140 jars of mayonnaise."

He traded a crock pot for a massive amount of mayo…He keeps adding more and more idiotic things to his credit. "Well, that's a good trade."

"Yeah it doubles as a great sunscreen."

Sunscreen? You took off your armor? "How did you-" Y'know, not important. "Never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds..."

Then Tucker stared at me for like ten seconds, waiting for an obvious joke or plan involving the mayonnaise. So I broke it to him, "The plan does not involved mayonnaise."

"Damnit, I knew there'd be a catch."

Ok, so here's the basic outline: possess Donut, pretend to be captured to do "prisoner exchange," then we go home. Basically we trade Lopez and Donut for two robots. So I rush in as Donut was about to say something, "Ok, our biggest secret is…Hubuchachagagagagagagagaga GA!"

"Caboose it's me Church! I possessed this guy so we can-. That's when I noticed the armor was actually nice. "Whoo! Hey, this pink armor's kind of comfortable. Roomy. What were you guys talking about?"

Caboose looked down dejectedly, "Ooohhhh nothing."

"You wanna braid each other's hair?" Wait, did I just say that?

One hour later…

Ok, time to execute phase 2. Tucker screamed out to the reds, "Hello inferior red squad!"

I started to talk, "We would like to talk to you about-."

"Sneak attack!" DAMNIT CABOOSE!!!!

"Shut up you idiot! We're not here to fight. We're here to negotiate."

"Yay! Sneak negotiation." My God, he is a hopeless cause. I could just shoot him and save myself a lot of trouble.

So Sarge, the real one, sees us, "What the- Donut, what is this?"

Now remember, we didn't know Donut's name so Tucker said, "I think he's talking to you."

Ok, time to make this as convincing as possible, "We, uh I mean they would like to negotiate a surrender to us no to them. Wait! N-n-no that's right to them- to us."

"Oh, smooth, dude." Shut up Tucker, I don't need to hear it right now.

Simmons screamed at us, "You can't surrender blues. We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack, then you can surrender." Yeah, the last time was just a ploy to get you guys to lay off, and strip one of you of your dignity.

Grif and Simmons had a brief conference, which I believe end in Simmons telling Grif, "You're an idiot."

Anyway, back to my completely ad-libbed script which is probably gonna make me look like an idiot. "In exchange for not killing us, they- them- we- they would like to release the robot guy, and me ... The pink guy." Oh, yeah, I'm becoming an idiot.

"Are you becoming retarded?" Not quite the words I was using Tucker, but pretty close.

So they started another conference and I turned towards Tucker. "I don't think they're goin' for it."

BAM! Then Simmons shot Tucker, "OW!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

"Okay. now you're under attack. Go ahead and surrender bitch!!" Simmons, thanks for making this a whole hell of a lot easier.

"Alright, they surrender!" I yelled at them.

"Fuck that! I'm pissed! Let's fight!" Don't care, Tucker. It's about time for phase 3.

"Now that you have been thoroughly humiliated by our superior military strategy we demand the return of our robot and our pink private."

"Okay, but there's one catch," I told him. Don't make deals because they might have strings attached.

"What in Shynola?!"

"Sarge, They want you to build two robots for their team. One for each prisoner that they're releasing."

"Hey that wasn't part of the deal!" Yes it was, I just chose not to reveal until now to piss you off.

"Church, why do we need two robots?" Tucker asked me, being as we seemingly only had one ghost. So I told him, "You know, one for me and one for Texmrph..." Yeah, I said Tex.

"Aw man! Don't tell me you're doing this for Tex! You're still in love with her aren't you?" NO SHIT SHERLOCK!! SHE'S MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND DUMBASS!

"Hey get off my back, man! Most dead chicks aren't exactly lining up to haunt this dirt hole." And then there is the other obvious problem. "Besides, if I don't get her a body she's gonna steal mine anyway."

"Nyah, good point!"

"Bitch."

Back to the negotiations, which are going entirely my way. "Alright you blue scum suckers! What robot models did you have in mind?"

So I told him exactly what I wanted, "I guess make them just like Lopez. Except, you know, just the shell no intelligence."

Caboose seemed to like that idea, "These two robots sound much nicer!"

"That's because they sound like you." No intelligence, just an empty shell, perfect fit for Caboose. You're actually right Tucker.

Now to put the final hook, "Oh, and no Spanish, and a bigger switch!"

"Okay, we got a deal." YES!!! I AM A PLAN MASTER!!!! "Meet us in the center of the canyon at 0600 and we'll make the exchange."

"Deal! Okay, I gotta hurry back before Lopez and Sheila suspect anything. Make sure this pink guy doesn't run away when I leave. I mean it! I'll meet you guys back at the base."

So I left Donut, and returned to the base to get Lopez ready. "Alright guys, I. . ." Hey wait, where is Lopez? And where's Sheila? "Sheila? Lopez? What the- why do people keep leaving?"

SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!! THANKS FOR FUCKING UP AN OTHERWISE PERFECT PLAN, YOU TWO!!! I finally had something working and some rogue equipment decides to fuck us over.

About two hours later, Tucker and Caboose came back, Tucker bitching about getting screwed over on the robots because of "optional equipment." But that wasn't important, the reds would deliver, but we were lacking one Lopez.

"So Sheila and Lopez were just gone when you got back here?" Tucker asked me.

"Yep. They even left a note. Says they've gone off to start their own robot army. That's great."

"Didn't they have a non-compete clause?" I'm not sure, lemme go check their nonexistent contracts that are lying in our nonexistent file cabinet.

Hey wait, "Also says they want us to meet them in the middle of the canyon at 0600, to discuss the terms of our defeat, and or surrender... 0600. What does that mean..."

"Isn't that when we're supposed to be surrendering to the reds?" Yeah, but still what is 0600. Wow, I'm in the military and I don't know military time.

"It means six o'clock, right? Si- or does it mean, six hun- o six hundred. Does six hundred mean minutes? Six hundred minutes? Because that'd be... that'd be ten o'clock. Is it six o'clock or is it ten o'clock?"

"Man, we should really get a day planner or something, 'cause this shit's just getting ridiculous."

Alright, the next day, Caboose and Tucker led Donut up to the top of the ridge and everyone was there, all the reds, the two robots, Sheila and Lopez even drove up for the confrontation. So Tucker gets on the radio and calls me…AFTER I'VE TRIED CALLING HIM FOR 10 MINUTES!

"Are you there Church? Church, are you there Church."

"Hey man, I've been trying to get you on the radio for ten minutes. What's goin' on?" Because I have no idea how to reach you when you don't pick up the phone.

"Sorry man, I'm still picking up the reds' transmissions from when we broadcast that Lopez song. There's a lot of chatter." Oh, right. Glad I wasn't there for that.

Maybe he's heard something important, "Well are you at least getting any useful information?"

"Nah it's just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?" Must be Grif and Simmons bitching about the same damn thing over and over again. Whatever, time for phase 1 of the revised plan.

"Alright. Get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion."

"Uh Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here." Wait, what do you mean triangle?

"What?"

"I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle. It's just a side-note." WHATEVER, I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED JUST DO IT!!!

"Okay fine, triangle of confusion. Rhombus of terror, parabola of mystery, WHO CARES!? GET THE GODDAMN SHOW ON THE ROAD!"

"Alright alright, sorry. Initiating primary commencement phase."

So that's when Tucker made his pitch for the trade asking for one member of each team to switch sides. The reds were sending the black robot, and we were sending Donut back. Lopez didn't seem too happy about seeing another robot and Tucker took note of it.

"Um, Church? Do you think maybe in hindsight it was a bad idea for us to put Lopez around a bunch of robots?"

"Just stick to the plan, Tucker. Get the first robot over there, I'll draw Lopez's fire, come on!" So, I tried to get closer, but then Lopez seemed to attack, and there was just a whole cluster fuck going on without any shooting whatsoever. Then Sarge tried to call in an airstrike of some form, but it got kicked back, and Tucker thinks he overheard some crazy conspiracy, I don't know. Then Sarge acted like he was attacking by himself, and when he started screaming, Tucker's radio levels went off the scale…leading to that annoying feedback squeal. "Tucker, you radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!" I yelled.

Well people started yelling random crap, as I snuck over to the conveniently painted cobalt robot while Simmons tried to calm down Sarge and hear what Tucker was saying, "WHAT DID YOU SAY BLUE!"

That was the point that I possessed the robot, "Hegakergerk, wheh!"

Tucker was busy screaming, " I SAID THERE'S NO RED VS. BLUE! IT'S ALL A-!" BOOM!!! A rocket exploded under Tucker as this weird purple thing drove right past. "WAAAAAAA SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!" Tucker screamed as he was flung into the air.

Sarge watched it go by and asked, "What the hell is that?"

As did I, "WHAT THAT HELL IS THAT?!"

And Lopez, "¿MIRA QUE COSA?"

So Donut, seemingly recognizing the guy said, "Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!"

Another rocket came flying our way shortly thereafter. Suddenly the guy on the vehicle said, "OOPS! Sorry about the big explosion!" Wait…DOC?!?!

Then he said, "SORRY IT WASN'T BIGGER!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" but the voice was a lot more British sounding….and evil…sound…OH FUCK NO!!! FUCK NO!!!!!!!

"Wait a second, I'd know that laugh anywhere. THAT'S O'MALLEY!!!" I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT DOC!!! AND TEX DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT HIM!!!! He must've used his radio right as we forced O'Malley out of Caboose. AND HE'S GOT A FLYING ROCKET LAUNCHER!!!! Which he shot again, "My bad."

Ok, time to check on Tucker. I grabbed the other robot and ran up to the ridge, "Come on robot, you're with me."

Then Sheila fired off a round at us, but was well off. "TUCKER! TUCKER!!!!"

We arrived at Tucker as he was still lying motionless on the ground. "Are you okay?"

Tucker replied weakly, "Church…the purple guy…he's-."

"Yeah, I know, it's O'Malley. He must have got in the medic somehow."

"NO! He's an asshole." Ok, that was important to the discussion how?

"Church, how come Tucker gets to nap during battle and not me?" NOT…NOW…CABOOSE!!!!!!!

That's when Sheila drove up, saying, "Help! He took Lopez!" WHAT?!

"What? Where'd he go?"

That's when we heard the evil laugh coming from the top of the Red base. "Here I am, you fool!"

WHAT THE FUCK?!?! HE'S ALREADY UP THERE?!?! "How'd he get up there so quick?"

Donut made a comment, "That guy's wicked fast!"

Doc responded to him, "Thanks, I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!"

Grif quickly shouted, "TRACK SUCKS!"

To which O'Malley retorted, "YOU SUCK! And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out!"

Grif and Simmons looked at each other, basically saying 'Um, ok, what the fuck does that mean?'

Then O'Malley shouted, "The Universe will be mine! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Sheila cried in distress as he took Lopez, "LOPEZ! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

"Move it, brown bot. INTO THE ABYSS!" He shouted as he ran into the teleporter.

OK, things just went from incredibly horrible to WHY THE FUCK DOES GOD HATE ME SO MUCH?!?!?!?!?! Time to salvage what's left of this problem, "Everyone hold your fire! We're comin' out."

Simmons yelled, "Truce!"

Then Grif said, "Time out." Then he asked, "Would someone explain what just happened here?"

Ok, I'll be glad to, "That evil guy in the scooter shot one of our guys and ran off with Lopez."

Sarge quickly said, "But we need Lopez for very specific reasons that we don't have to explain to you. We have to get him back." Yeah, we really don't care about any stupid plans that you stored in the robot. I just want to kill O'Malley.

"Yeah and we have to get the evil guy back. He's the only one around here that can heal Tucker."

And that's when we got into a completely pointless debate…on what it means to be ironic. Grif posted the topic, "So now we're forced to work together. How ironic."

And the argument began, Simmons said, "No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other."

Followed by Donut saying, "No, ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him."

Sarge added to the debate by saying, "I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds." Well, that's about the only thing ironic that was said.

"I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron." You got three guess to figure out who said that, and the first two don't count. Then you get to beat him like I wish I could do right now.

Two hours later…

Ok, time to end this retarded debate. "Okay. We all agree, that while the current situation, is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together, is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that?"

"Yes." Sarge made it clear that the reds were satisfied, even if Grif wasn't.

Simmons ran up giving us the good news, "And, I just finished reprogramming our teleporter, to take us directly to Lopez and O'Malley's coordinates." Alright, time to go bust some heads.

Sarge laid down the rest of the law, "We'll leave one member of each team so that no one can trick anyone and take over the canyon." Yeah, why are we fighting for this piece of shit rock anyways? "Our man will be Donut."

Caboose said, "We will leave Corporal Crossain'wich."

"Caboose…"

"We will leave Sheila." She can't fit through the teleporter anyways, so it might as well be her. Donut wasn't too pleased with our decision, "Yeah, thanks guys. Because, you know if this is a trick, I'm sure I can hold her off on my own."

Plan time. "Alright, we're gonna do this one at a time then. You first Sarge."

"Today seems like a good day to teleport. GERONIMO!" He ran into the teleporter.

Caboose followed him, screaming, "PISCATAWAY!" WHAT THE FUCK DOES A TOWN IN NEW JERSEY THAT IS THE HOME OF RUTGERS UNIVERSITY WHO KICKED LOUISVILLE'S ASS 28-25, RUINING THEIR HOPES OF A BCS NATIONAL TITLE, AND TAKING SOLE POSSESSION OF THE LEAD IN THE BIG EAST HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!?!?! (A/N: Yes, I'm from New Jersey and I root for Rutgers, and Sorry to anyone from Louisville.)

Simmons walked right up to the teleporter, then stopped. "Hmmm..."

Grif asked what was wrong. "I just had a really weird feeling that I'm never gonna see this place again." Ok, why are you worried about never seeing this dirthole again.

Grif shared my sentiments exactly. "And that's a bad thing?"

And apparently so did Simmons, "Oh I didn't say weird bad, I just said weird." Then, he ran inside by himself.

So, now it was time for me and Grif to head through to wherever. Look at this, the two most sane guys in the ENTIRE canyon are being paired together. Maybe I'll actually be able to have an insightful conversation with another sane person for once. "Alright. It's Grif, right? You 'n' me will go through together, ready?"

He motioned first, "After you."

So we jumped through and we came out on an ice-covered plain. This place looks very famili…where the hell is Sarge? Simmons? Caboose? "Alright, now let's just find- where is everybody?"

Grif was completely confused. "Whoa. Where are we? What is this place?"

That's when I realized. "FREEZE!!! DROP YOUR WEAPON!!!" We were on Sidewinder…in front of the red base…and the reds were still there.

"Uh-oh." We are in so much trouble.

"I SAID FREEZE, DIRTBAG!" That's when my body beeped, then ran over to Grif and punched him for no reason.

"Ow! Aw come on!"

A/N: SEASON 2 IS DONE!!!!!!!! GET READY FOR SEASON 3 AND ENJOY SEASON 5 ON RVB. GO SCARLET KNIGHTS!!!

R + R!!!