The Church Files, A Red Vs Blue Story

by Austin316v1

Red Vs. Blue from the specific perspective of Private Leonard Church. Replacement to my Novelization of the RvB series. Discontinued

9. Chapter 9

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/N: TWO CHAPTERS IN TWO DAYS!!! It's time for the most fun set of chapters in the entire book. It's the first 10 EPISODES OF SEASON 3 BITCHES!!!! And as Church…let's just say, that you are going to bust your gut about 100 times over by the time we reach Season 4.

Chapter 9:
Church: 5, Laws of Physics: 0

"Hey asshole, for the last time, LET ME OUT OF THIS GODDAMN JAIL CELL!!!!!!!!"

"Yeah, let him out, he's driving me nuts!"

"Oh shut up, red. Nobody asked you."

"I should've never listened to Donut's stupid fucking plan."

So much for that insightful conversation. Turns out when two sane guys, e.g. myself and Grif are thrown into a jail cell, they turn completely anti-social, which is basically the perfect representation of the above conversation. So the guy that threw us in here, Lt. Max Gain comes in and we ask him to let us out…actually, more like demand it.

"Alright listen man. If you know what's good for you, you're gonna let us go…right now."

"Yeah, or just let ME go," Grif told them, trying to get on their good side. "You can sacrifice him to your pagan gods, y'know if that's what you people do." Grif that's not helping.

"KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME?!?!" He basically screamed at us. "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME! A WELL BALANCED MEAL WITH PLENTY OF VITAMIN D AND OTHER ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MAN?"

The guard that was with him didn't seem too thrilled as this guy was. "Eh, yeah, you bet, sir." I think he was thinking more along the lines of, "What the hell's got into the boss today? Must be on his third pill by now."

"What is wrong with these guys?" I turned to Grif and asked him because, he was a red. I figure he'd know. But he didn't, he just had another brainless idea.

"They're obviously part of some crazy religious cult. I'll sign up with them and you play the part of the rebel outsider they crucify during my initiation."

Gain continued to scream, "GUESS WHAT ELSE TOPS THE LIST? PLENTY OF REST AND EXERCISE! GET YOUR Z's!!!!"

Ok, shut up for a second, I need to tell you something. "Hey, hey screamy guy screamy guy, listen. There is a madman on the loose that wants to destroy the universe. And WE have to stop him. I'm serious."

Did he stop? NO! He just kept on rambling for no damn reason. "I'M SERIOUS TOO! ABOUT THE SEVEN KEYS TO WEALTH AND PROSPERITY! RETIREMENT PLANNING NEEDS TO BE A CRUCIAL PART IN ANY INVESTMENT PORTFOLIO!!!" And he kept going on like that as I looked to Grif. "You think he'd even notice if we slipped away?" I asked being as he kept going on and on about how to be successful in life, as if he was Tony Little.

"Shhh, I want to hear how to tax deduct my religious contribution."

"-DIVIDED EQUALLY AMONG STOCKS, BONDS, AND TREASURY NOTES!!!!!"

After a while, he ran off, mumbling something about reorganizing his portfolio, leaving his buddy to watch us. That's when I had this HUGE amount of gas, and I let it out. "BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRPPPPP!"

Grif was impressed, "Nice. I bet I can beat it."

That's when we started hearing this ticking sound.

"Uhgow, I wonder what caused that."

"Hey Church, do you know your stomach is ticking?"

"Whoa, hey, it sounds like I swallowed an alarm clock."

Grif was quick to point out how nasty that sounded. "Gross." Then he saw the guy, "Hey, it's one of the guards, pretend like you don't know." Ok, that's not too hard, I only KNOW your name…and that you are a lazy fatass.

"Guys I'm a red too, I'm a red! I don't even know this guy! Come on, let me out." Well, that was unexpected; trying to pawn me off as some stranger he just happened to be caught with. Guilt by association is gay, but apparently still valid in this century.

"Thanks for the support, Grif. Way to be a team player."

"Hey, I gotta think about myself here."

I told him flatly. "There's no "I" in team, Grif."

"Yeah, there's no "U" either." Good point. "So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, nobody's on the God damn team. The team sucks!"

But why are the reds still here. I was there when Tex killed all the members of my team, except for me of course. "What I can't figure out is why the reds are still here. Tex already wiped out all the blues. Why wouldn't they just pull out?"

"As someone who's taken orders from Red Command for the last three years, trust me, it's not that surprising." You're command must be a bunch of goddamned idiots then if they don't even give you orders to pull out if you've won the battle already.

Well, Grif decided to quickly get bored, and the only other sane person I knew…started to become an idiot. "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows but Jesus," he sang, COMPLETELY off key. I swear when I'm around people, they start to turn into complete idiots.

"Will you shut up?"

"You just can't face the fact that I've adjusted to life on the inside! I'm hard now!"
Hard? We've only been hear for a few hours and you think that you're hard? Wow, I guess I am the only sane person in this whole fucking war.

"Please, give me a break."

"As the prison bitch, I would not expect you to understand." Whatever, you idiot. That's when the shooting started. It sounded like an entire squad had just popped in out of nowhere and started tearing the shit out of the reds.

"What's going on out there?"

"Oh man, maybe our crew's come to bust us out of the joint. I don't know if I can live on the outside though any more Church. I'm all institutionalized and shit."

Ok, I would find that HIGHLY unlikely being as our guys are nowhere near skilled enough to pull off ANY kind of offensive, especially my team. "I don't know. Sounds like whoever's fighting them is winning. That can't possibly be our guys."

So, Grif yelled at the guard, "Hey screw, aren't you gonna go help your buddies? Oink oink?"So he ran off, and tried to run around the corner when we quickly heard the sound of a gun being smashed into his face. Then, we heard these footsteps coming progressively closer and closer, stopping right in front of our cell.

Suddenly, as if out of thin air, this guy in white armor decloaks and says, "Hello, Church." WHAT THE FUCK?! WYOMING'S HERE?! Ok, now I know some serious crap is going on. "Wyoming?! What are you doing here?"

"Been hired to do a job with your little friend Tucker. Seems he's discovered some information that someone else isn't happy about."

Grif was confused, "Who's this cracker?" Ok, long story: Wyoming was one of Tex's squad mates in this experimental program that created O'Malley. Everyone got paired with an AI, and became complete super soldiers, but the experiment backfired, and O'Malley took control of her and ran away. Wyoming's AI was forcibly removed from his armor and he went crazy, becoming a freelancer and working for ANY sum of money he could get in his pockets. Short version, "Naw, he's just some scumbag bounty hunter that was in the same division as Tex."

"Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Tucker, I'll be taking care of her as well."

Oh hell no you won't jackass. "When I get outta here-."

He quickly interrupted me, "But you won't. Everyone here is dead now. No one even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu-huh. Cheerio." Great, now my only chance of getting out of here is to work together with Grif because no one's just gonna come up and hit the button to open the doors. "We gotta find a way to escape, Grif."

"If only we had bed sheets." Bed sheets? How are they gonna help us if the only way out of the room is through these huge ass bars. "There's no window. What good is tying together bed sheets gonna do us?"
"Who said anything about tying them together? I wanna take a nap. If I have to die of hunger, I wanna do it in my sleep." Wow, you are the laziest person I have ever met, you fat slob.

Ok let's see…Wyoming killed everyone…Grif's fat, lazy, and trying to fall asleep…I'm a ghost inside of a robot and I…that's it.

"Okay Grif, I've been putting something off that I can do to help us escape, but, I gotta warn you, it might scare you a little bit."

"You want scary, you should try showering in cell block C. Those guys are animals." There is no cell block C for one, and if that's the way you feel…"Alright, here goes…" then the doors just magically opened.
"You opened the doors? That wasn't scary at all."

What the fuck, I didn't even do anything. "What? I didn't do that. Somebody on the outside must have done it." Well, whatever happened, I don't fucking care, let's just bail. "Alright, let's go."

"FREEDOM! It smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home." Ok, that would land us in a REAL jail and besides where is there a liquor store in the immediate vicinity.

Well, we eventually got outside and ran up to the others who were in a standoff with O'Malley. Now remember, there is this ticking going on, "What's going on?"

Sarge filled us in really quick. "You want the long version or the short? Basically you've got a fifty megaton bomb in your gut-."

"Ten, sir." Simmons quickly corrected him.

"And Lopez is about to kill us all." Whoa whoa whoa, back up. I heard bomb and kill us all.

"That didn't make any sense, what's the long version?"

Tucker ran up and told me, "That was the long version. The short version is: "We're boned.""

Well, that's great to hear. I've got a freaking nuclear bomb in my stomach, and we're all about to die a horrible death. This is just great.

So Simmons took the time to check on Grif, who claimed we did heard time, when it was really about 6 hours. O'Malley decided to interrupt us with a shot from his rocket launcher.

"You foolish fools will never defeat me! You're far too busy being foolish! Ha! Oblivion is at hand!"

So we all went and took cover. Simmons had some kind of plan and told Sarge to distract O'Malley. So he devised a plan that involved Grif running straight at O'Malley and getting blown up…wow he must really hate him to think up that as a distraction. It didn't really matter as O'Malley snuck up on the two anyway and aimed his rocket launcher when suddenly Simmons yelled, "NOT SO FAST, O'MALLEY!"

And then, EVERYBODY looked in his direction. "Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can!" Then this green teleporter vortex opened up right in the middle of the battle field and I heard a voice scream, "ALL RIGHT NEW LEVEL YEAH!" Then about 2 squads worth of red and blue guys just randomly ran through and started chattering.

"HEY GUYS, YOU WANT YOUR FLAG?" All the grunts looked at Simmons, who then directed their attention at O'Malley, "HE'S THE ONE WHO HAS IT!"

O'Malley looked a little concerned as one guy suddenly spoke, in a very high pitched voice, "The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light!" Um...ok, those guys are definitely a religious cult who worship some kind of pagan gods. Looks like Grif would've been right had we gotten stuck with them.

Then they all swarmed him, shooting at him with everything they had in their arsenal. And in my experience, 12 guys with assault rifles constantly blaring defeats a single guy with a rocket launcher if it's empty.

Now I was hiding behind a rock as the reds decided to come over and defuse the bomb in my stomach. Then a lightning bolt shot me from behind, "Yow, whoohoohoo!" Now being as I was in a robot, it only tickled a little bit.

Sarge ran up, crouched down, and started playing in the area of my crotch. "Hold still, son, this'll just take a second." CAN HE NOT PUT SOMETHING THIS IMPORTANT IN MY BACK, OR SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN BELOW THE WAISTLINE?!?!

"Don't you ever install anything above the waist?"

That's when he stood up in a panic, "Oh no! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off."

You have got to be kidding me, just do it manually…you know, cut the red wire…or was it the blue one.

"Can you do it manually?" asked Simmons who obviously has some sort psychic connection with me as he always seems to think the same thing I do.

"Impossible. I specifically designed it so that I wouldn't be able to defuse it." Ok, you built and installed a bomb that you DESIGNED to be unable to turn off should something stupid happen?

Grif asked him, as I was about to, "Why?"

"In case I fell in to the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the blues." Yeah, we'd probably just kill you anyway because you obviously have no real tactical sense whatsoever.

"Nice thinking, sir." WOW! That is no way a good idea in any sense of planning, how have you guys survived this long fighting us?

Grif told him bluntly, "You had to get just one last asskiss in before we die, didn't you?" Oh that's why.

So Tucker had this brilliant idea, "Church, there's only one thing I can do." So he pulled out a rocket launcher…and pointed it right at my face.

"Hehey, what the hell?"

"There's only twenty seconds left!" Simmons informed us. Whatever it is, make it quick Tucker.

"If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live." Great strategy.

"But the rocket'll kill me."

"Ten seconds," added Simmons.

"You're gonna die anyway when the bomb goes off!" Grif screamed.

Hey, if I die, I don't want to be alone. "What can I tell ya pal? Misery loves company."

"Five seconds."

"Sorry, Church." Tucker told me as the put his finger on the trigger. I really fucking hate you…all of you.

"Man, this blows. You guys suck."

Then a sniper shot rang out and blasted the launcher right out of Tucker's hands. "WHAT THE HELL?"

We all turned, and there, standing on the cliff was Wyoming, holding a smoking sniper rifle. "Sorry Private Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye mate."

The ticking was now accompanied by a loud beeping that was getting progressively faster and faster as Simmons said, "Uh guys, I hate to interrupt, but... zero seconds."

"Uh-oh," Tucker said as everyone looked at me.

"What?" Then I realized, 'Oh great, here it comes.' "Oh, son of a-."

(A/N: Insert the huge explosion here)

I woke up holding my head, thinking, 'My God, what happened…hey wait…I'm alive…YES!!! EAT THAT LAWS OF PHYSICS!!! I…hey wait…this doesn't look like Sidewinder…and where the hell is everybody. "What…the…hell? Where the hell am I?" There were lava pits, old run down walls…what the hell is this place? I tried to gather my thoughts as I explored the complex, "Okay, think Church. The bomb went off, you got knocked out, you woke up, and you were here. Question is, where is here?"

I walked through this door and came face to face with a computer that started talking to me. "HELLO." It said, and displayed on its screen. "YOU ARE EARLY."

I was still so fucking confused, but now this thing is expecting me? "Me?"

"YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE FOR ANOTHER 1,856 YEARS."

Ok, ok, I'm supposed to come to this place…but now for another 2000 years. Ok, where the hell am I? "What is this place?"

"THIS IS THE HOUSING FACILITY OF THE GREAT WEAPON." Great…another society with a weapon of incredibly mass destruction, "I AM THE KEEPER OF THE GREAT WEAPON," with a computer as its guardian. "YOU ARE THE GREAT DESTROYER. YOU WILL DEMOLISH THIS FACILITY, KILL ME, STEAL THE GREAT WEAPON, AND BRING ABOUT THE GREAT DOOM FOR BILLIONS OF PEOPLE." …Ok, so I'm supposed to bring about an apocalypse for someone…just my luck. "WELCOME, HOW MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE?" Alright, first start off by backing up and telling me, "What are you talking about?"

"YOUR COMING HAS BEEN FORETOLD BY THE GREAT PROPHECY." Alright I'm starting to get tired of hearing the word great every three seconds. "Does your society have any other adjectives besides 'great'?"

"THE GREAT PROPHECY WARNS THE GREAT DESTROYER WILL BE A BLUE BEING."

"And you think that's me?" Wow, apparently to be considered a 'blue being' all you need is to wear blue armor.

"THE BLUE BEING WILL BE KNOWN AS THE STUPIDEST LIFEFORM IN THE UNIVERSE."

Wait, wait, wait, hold on a second…the stupidest life form in the universe…please don't mean… "Wait a second, this destroyer guy. He dresses like me, but he's dumber than anyone else in existence."

"CORRECT."

"…Oh crap…" I knew Caboose was known to fuck things up in the past…but to destroy an entire civilization?!?! That means that he is ungodly stupid.

Well, I know he's eventually gonna be here so I recorded a message for him. I got all the details about this "great weapon" and the building.

"Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me? Caboose, I know you're there. I am leaving this message from 2000 years in the past. Whatever you do…DON'T…TOUCH…ANYTHING!!!!! Apparently you're this culture's version of the apocalypse. You're going to destroy this building, and somehow bring about doom for their entire race. Whatever you do, don't touch the glowing weapon thing they have stored there. And if you do, definitely don't bring it in to the main building. Otherwise the whole place is gonna lock down, and you're gonna be trapped. Just don't touch anything, don't look at anything, don't breathe on anything."

"MESSAGE RECORDED," the computer told me. Well, at least I know he'll get it. "DO YOU THINK IT WILL WORK?"

Lemme think about that…ok, I thought about it, "No. Like you said man, that guy's as dumb as a rock. But at least he has some slightly less stupid people around him that can kind of help him from time to time." Then I thought about that for a second…Tucker…Grif…Simmons…Sarge…Donut…fuck it, he needs my help. "Yeah, on second thought I'd better get back there and handle this personally. Y'know if I could only get back to our old bases, maybe I can change some key events and keep them from getting there. Hey, do you have any way to teleport me to Blood Gulch?"

"NO. BUT WORKING AT FULL CAPACITY, I COULD CREATE A TELEPORTER IN APPROXIMATELY 1,000 YEARS." Well, I'm a ghost in robot…I'm not going anywhere.

"A thousand years, huh? Kind of a long wait. You know any jokes?"

"DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE POSITRONIC BRAIN?"

"Oh yeah, that's the one with the, active matrix and the..."

"YES. THAT'S IT. I JUST LOVE THAT ONE. HA HA HA."

"Yeah it's funny. It's old, but, yeah it's funny."

"HOW ABOUT THE ONE WITH THE JEWISH SIM CHIP AND THE IRISH EXPANSION SLOT."

"Hey come on dude, let's, try to keep it clean."

"HEY. PULL MY DONGLE."

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen."

"COME ON YOU BIG BABY. JUST ONE PULL. IT WON'T KILL YOU."

God, 1000 years of horrible jokes. My life just keeps getting worse and worse doesn't it?

A/N: CAN YOU BELIEVE I'VE ALREADY SPANNED HALF OF SEASON 3 WITH ONE CHAPTER?!?!?!?! Mostly because Church doesn't appear between Episodes 43 and 49, but still I'm gonna keep you from seeing the Episode 50 stuff for a bit because it's too funny to put in this chapter. Next chapter: Episode 50: Silver Linings