Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/N: Ok…this is it…the single most hilarious set of episodes you could write as Church, the "flashback saga" as I call it. Or, as I also call it, "Church Fucks Himself Over." But, as it's really called:

Chapter 10:
Episode 50: Silver Linings

1000 years later…

"TELEPORTER COMPLETE. SLIGHTLY BEHING SCHEDULE."

It was about fucking time. Do you know how long 1,000 years feels to a ghost…a fucking ETERNITY!!! I was in that hallway with the computer so long, that I thought I would die about 15 times over, given the average lifespan of a person. But what made it worse was that the computer had the worst sense of humor I've ever seen. Not that all the jokes were bad…it was just that he didn't know WHEN TO STOP! "You know, it might have gone a bit faster if you hadn't spent so much processor time telling knock-knock jokes."

"KNOCK KNOCK." You see?

"Enough. Do you have the coordinates to send me to Blood Gulch or not?" I figure, where else is there to go?

"YES. DO YOU HAVE A PLAN YET?"

You've been staring at me for a FUCKING MILLENIUM!!!!!!! I THINK I COULD COME UP WITH SOMETHING IN THE FIRST 100 YEARS!! …well maybe 200…actually…it was more like…900…and 50… "I've been standing in this hallway thinking for a thousand years. I've had time."

"AND?"

Ok? Long version, make sure Sheila's Friendly Fire option is off so that she can't kill me, so Caboose DOESN'T KILL me, kill Donut so he can't throw the grenade and kill Tex, and destroy O'Malley once and for all. Short version, stop Caboose from blowing me up, and stop Donut from killing Tex.

"Well, the main thing I need to do is keep myself from dying."

"THAT'S A GIVEN." Not me, the past me, the one who is going to get blown up by Caboose when I get there.

"And since all our problems stem from O'Malley jumpin' from Tex to Caboose, all I need to do is prevent her from dying too."

"BECAUSE YOU SECRETLY LOVE HER."

"Oh don't start that again. All I need to do is kill that pink guy that sticks the grenade on her."

"SOUNDS EASY."

"Well, I have knowledge of everything that takes place beforehand, so, as long as I don't interfere too much, or get spotted, should be a frigging breeze." I mean, I know what is going to happen, when it is going to happen and how it is going to happen…because I lived through it and saw EVERYTHING that happened each time something got fucked up.

"READY TO TRANSPORT." Alright, it's showtime, time to make sure I don't die.

"Okay, let's do it. Goodbye... computer." Wow, you know for being there 1000 years, I never gave the computer a name. "Compu- you know what, you'd think I would have come up with a name for you in these thousand years."

"IT'S GARY. BUT THANKS FOR ASKING." Oh, he's already got a name. Well, now I feel even worse not LEARNING his name sooner. "SEE YOU IN A FEW HUNDRED YEARS."

So I teleported to Blood Gulch…in the past…before I had died. Ahhh, it's good to be back here. It's been a long t-." Wait, why am I getting mushy about this shit hole. "Ah who am I kidding, even a thousand years doesn't make this dirt hole any more appealing." That's when I turned around and saw the red's base, and a half-finished Lopez. "Oh what the hell, wh, he stuck me at Red Base. It must be way before Tex shows up, the robot isn't even done yet. Hurry up and get finished buddy, I'm gonna need that body pretty soon." That's when I noticed something on the ground. "What's that..." and I saw two switches, one SIGNIFICANTLY larger than the other one. Oh yeah, bigger switch. So I kicked dirt on the smaller one and told the incomplete robot, "You just got an upgrade pal."

That's when I ran back towards our base. "I wonder just how early I am." And I quickly took shelter behind a rock face. Remember that flashback from early on in the story, the one with the teleporter and the rocks…well, let's just say that you'd be seeing it again…live. That's when I see a guy in teal armor come out of the base. And Tucker was still in regulation blue at the time…HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!! CAPTAIN FLOWERS?!?!?! I can stop the entire shit hole from breaking down right here and now. "Holy crap, Captain Flowers is still alive. Oh man, I might be able to fix everything at once."

Now, he was known to be able to sleep standing up…and with his eyes open…for an officer, he was very, VERY talented…and very concerned with our well being. He even ordered the entire squad sniper rifles. Well, at least he was going to, until he had a massive heart attack in his sleep. Tucker immediately jumped at the chance to get out of the blue armor, so he wasn't really fazed by it. Well, now I can save Captain Flowers, get Tucker a sniper rifle, and beat all the reds. This is gonna be fucking awesome.

"CAPTAIN FLOWERS!" I screamed as I ran into the base.

He woke with a start, "God, don't sneak up on me like that, can't you see I'm sleeping?"

Ok, now remember, I haven't seen him for over 1000 years, so I forgot that he was just talking with the past me about 5 minutes ago, "Sorry Sir, look, I know you probably don't remember me that well."

"Course I remember you Church, I just saw you two minutes ago." Ok, fine I was off, who cares? This is very, VERY important and crucial to the survival of the universe so TIME IS NOT A FACTOR.

"Oh right. Yeah, it's uh, it's been longer for me. Anyway, there's no nice way to put this, but you're gonna die of a massive heart attack tonight."

"That doesn't sound like me. I'm a team player." Yeah, the captain was really buddy-buddy with us, didn't care about ranks and shit like that. He even wanted us to call him "Cappy." Captain is one thing but…that just sounds wrong. Anyway, onto how I'm gonna save his life.

"And I can't tell you how I know this, but I need you to take this injection, so that you can live, and together we can beat the Reds. That way a lot of really weird and totally inexplicable stuff won't happen." Yeah, it would take a couple of days just to get through the part about being in Caboose's head.

"I don't understand anything you just said, and I've only known you for a short time. But go ahead and inject me, Private Church." YES!! I ran up with the…medical…thing…I don't remember what it was called, and injected it into the Captain. So, I thought I had saved everything…but then he started to have trouble breathing. "Thank you son. Feeling much bett-...better. ...Agh."

"What. What's the matter?" I was concerned, here I thought I was saving him, but now he's doubling over in pain…what the hell is going on?

"That medication, it didn't have... ungh... Aspirin in it, did it? I'm allergic to... Aspirin."

……………You have got to be FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!! WHY DOESN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THESE THINGS TEN SECONDS BEFORE I DO SOMETHING?!?!??!?!?!?!?! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…"

"Can't feel haunches... Spleen failing... Glutes, glutenizing..." He fell over and suddenly I felt like shit. "Church…Before I die, I have to tell you something incredibly important. It may hold the key to our victory here."

WHAT?! OUR VICTORY?!?!?! HURRY! WHAT IS THE KEY TO OUR VICTORY?! "What? What is it?!?!"

"Hrrrrrr…." FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Ah, crap."

"…blahhhhhhhhhhhhh." Just fucking great. I JUST KILLED MY COMMANDING OFFICER!!! AND LOST THE ONLY THING THAT COULD STOP ALL THIS SHIT FROM HAPPENING!!!!!!!

"No, Tucker. You can't hold my sniper rifle until tomorrow." SHIT! Time to bail. I got out of there before they even checked his pulse to see that he was dead, which is exactly what I did when I saw him like that back then. We came to the conclusion that he had a heart attack…but in reality I caused him to go into anaphylactic shock…how'd I know what it was called…oh well, who cares? "Well that didn't work out so well. I better lay low before I do some more damage."

A few weeks later…

"Man this sucks. It's still weeks until Tex shows up, I still haven't seen any sign of that pink guy yet." Then suddenly, someone came up behind me, saying, "Hi."

I turned around and saw this guy in Red armor. "Ummm…Hello."

So he asks me, like an idiot, "Do you have any elbow grease?"

Elbow grease, what the fuck?! You some kind of idiot? "What're you talking about?"

"How about headlight fluid? This is the store, right?" Store?!?! There's no store here. Just two bases of soldiers fighting over a pointless canyon.

"What? Look man, there's only two places in this God damn canyon."

"Look. I just came from Red base."

Alright, then. Go over there, to blue base, and die. "Well, then the only other place you can go is, that way."

He seemed pretty happy about that. "Ok, thanks mister."

Then I realized: he's a red, maybe he's seen Donut. "Hey, wait a second. Is that pink guy over at Red Base yet?"

"Pink guy? I don't know any pink guys. There's a maroon guy," Simmons, "and an orange guy," Grif, "but no pink guys. Seeya later." Now, I didn't think about it at the time, but that WAS Donut, before Tex and the pink armor.

"Yeah thanks. What an idiot…" But what I did remember was that I died because we were chasing a red who stole our flag. "Wait a minute…"

So I ran down the hill as fast as I could and as far as I could without being seen to try and get Donut back, "Hey, buddy, no no no, don't go down there!"

But, it didn't work and I couldn't go any farther…and a few minutes later…he left the base with our flag. "Oh crap."

I heard Caboose yell, "The General stopped by, and picked up the flag!"

I saw myself and Tucker run back into the base when I saw something very important. "There's Sheila…SHEILA!!!" I ran over to try and get her on as I heard the four sniper shots I sent after Donut. "Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!"

Then I saw myself jump off the base and chase after Donut. SHIT!! COME ON TURN ON ALREADY! "Aw crap crap, come on, activate!"

"Thank you, for activating, the M808B Main Battle Tank." YES! "You may call me Phyllis."

Ok, great…wait Phyllis, what kind of name is Phyllis? "Hey, Sh- wait, Phyllis? Why not Sheila?"

"Name overwritten. You may now call me Sheila." Not important, I need to make sure you won't kill me in like 10 minutes.

"Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs."

"Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers, are enabled." Alright, come on; go faster, time is money, TIME IS MONEY!

"Yeah, come on come on, hurry."

"Extra ammo management is disabled. The "Friendly Fire" protocol is enabled." That's it!

"Friendly Fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?"

"Affirmative." Time to save myself.

"Alright…disable the "Friendly Fire" protocol."

""Friendly Fire" protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targeted by Auto-lock."

"YES!! WAIT!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!" SHIT I MADE IT SO SHE COULD KILL ME!!!!!!!! "That doesn't sound right. I want the other thing." I didn't notice Caboose run up and jump into the tank.

"Hello and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila."

"Hello…Sheila…big tank lady."

"Would you like me to run the tutorial program?" I was fucking confused, why was she asking me this?

"Sheila, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said."

"This tutorial program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-class tank. Let's begin with some driving." She and Caboose started driving off and I realized that I was in a WORLD of trouble.

"WAIT! OH MY GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sheila started to pick up speed and I ended up chasing her halfway across the canyon. She was saying, "I was built by an American automotive company and assembled in Mexico."

All the while, I was running behind her, shouting, "…No no no no no no no no no no no n-."

Now at this point, past me has noticed the tank and runs over to the edge to talk to Caboose and Sheila's cannon starts turning toward him.

And when it fires, I finally understood everything, "OH NO!! I'M THE TEAM KILLING FUCKTARD!!!!!!!!"

Tucker screamed at Caboose, "YOU KILLED CHURCH, YOU TEAM KILLING FUCKTARD!!!!!!"

Sheila then looks over at the Red base and starts driving towards the red base with Tucker running down the ridge after her. So I get up to my corpse I quickly grab the sniper rifle. "Ah, here we go. Now at least I can pick off that pink guy without getting too close to anybody."

So, to finish off the story at this point, Sarge comes back and blows up Sheila. "Ugh, what happened?" I hear behind me. I turned around and saw my own ghost. Ooooooooookaayyyyy, I don't remember this part. "I can see my body……I see two of my bodies. Am I dead?"

Ok, very VERY VERY awkward. "Uhh... Uh-oh, um, let's just put it this way: You were killed because someone very close to you is an idiot." Namely…yourself…which totally sucks.

"So I am dead? Aw, that blows man! Wait... I see a light. Should I go in to it?"

So I start looking around trying to see if I could find the damn light he was talking about. And to be honest, the only one I saw was the fucking sun. "What light? I don't see a light; you must be shaken up from the explosion. You should probably rest."

Then, my past ghost starts to fade away, saying, "Farewell my body. I shake loose these earthy bonds, for a better existence..."

Did I really say that? That was gay on so many fucking levels, "Man... First I kill myself, then I realize I'm a honkin' dork. Not a very good day to be me."

"One second, Caboose, I wanna get Church's sniper rifle."

"Uh-oh." SHIT! Can't run away, have to hide…behind the rock.

"Aw crap, it's gone. Man I'm so fucking unlucky. Come on Caboose, let's go call Command."

"Um... Shouldn't we bury Church?" Wow, Caboose actually wanted to bury me. I wonder the idiots never did until I found out.

"Fuck that. Has he ever buried us?" Tucker, when I see you again in the future, I am going to kick your ass so badly.

Well, I decided that now was the time to go spy on the reds and try to find the pink guy. And now, with the sniper rifle, I can just kill him without getting anywhere near the red base. "Man, I've really gotta find that pink guy. Where the hell is he?"

I saw the red guy, not Sarge, but Donut, talking with Simmons and Grif. That's when I saw this weird shadow just run in front of my sight line. "What the…what was that?" I realized too late when I saw the sticky grenade on the red guy's head…It was Tex. BAM!!!!

"SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!"

I saw Grif swinging at the air with his pistol, trying to hit Tex, and I'm trying to figure out where the red guy went. Then I saw Sarge running along the side of the base, "Aw, shit!" Then I saw Tex run in right before him, "Tex! Don't go in there!" But it was too late, so I dropped the sniper rifle and ran inside. I ducked behind the wall as Tex's "voice-filter" broke. Grif shouted, "Aha. I knew it. Only a chick could give me a headache this big."

So Sarge started handing out orders. "Simmons, Grif. You watch the prisoner. Lopez and I will go topside and watch for a secondary attack. Simmons, if she attacks you, whistle twice and we'll know to come down and help. If she attacks Grif, just mild applause will do fine." Wow, Sarge REALLY must hate Grif if he wants Tex to beat the shit out of him…and program a robot to hit him when someone says "Dirtbag."

Simmons replied, "Yes sir." Kiss ass. So the two were watching her for a while, and Grif tried to hit on Tex, I think, "So, you're a girl, huh?" Tex just stared a hole right through him as Simmons said, "Just ignore him. That's what I do."

Changing the subject, Grif said to Tex, "Not so tough now that we've unloaded your weapon, are you?"

Tex told him, threateningly, "Hey punk. I don't need a weapon to kill you." And she's probably right, but Grif decided to test her.

"Yeah, right. What're you gonna do, punch me?"

So Tex feigns a strike and Grif flinches like little girl, "AAAAH! NOT THE FACE!!!" Bitch.

Sarge yelled down, "Grif, get yer keester up here. We got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base."

So he reluctantly left Tex, "Coming, sir."

So I tried to sneak closer and Simmons asked Tex, "Did you hear that?" Ok, bad idea.

Eventually Sarge makes his way down and we have the incident from before where I took over Sarge's body and knocked Simmons out. Tex and past me/Sarge ran out and I remembered, "Oh right, that red guy was me when I came to rescue Tex. And then we walked outside an-." OH FUCK, CABOOSE SHOOTS ME IN THE HEAD! AND I JUST PROVIDED HIM WITH THE SNIPER RIFLE TO DO IT!!!!!! "Oh NO."

Then Simmons wakes up, "What happened? Oh man, the back of my head is killing me!"

"Yeah, that's great." And I punch his lights out.

"OW GEEZ! THE FRONT OF MY FACE!

I reach the base exit right in time for me to see Caboose shoot past me/Sarge.

"YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!"

"TUCKER DID IT!!!"

Many unsuccessful attempts later…

"Target locked." Sheila shot at the red base. Basically, we're at the battle that got Tex killed and where O'Malley jumped into Caboose. So I finally see Donut, in his pink armor. And shot at him with a full sniper rifle clip…and missed…HE WAS FUCKING STANDING STILL!!!!! AND I HAVE HIM LINED UP!

"OH MY GOD! HOW DID I MISS?!?!?!"

So Sheila continues to fire off rounds as I try to light Donut's head up like a Christmas tree…and still miss, "GODDAMNIT!!!!!" Then Donut runs up to the edge of the base, yells out, "HEY BITCH! REMEMBER ME?! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA!!!" and he throws a grenade the arks over the entire canyon. I tried to shoot it down, "FUCK…THIS…HORSE…SHIT!!!!!!!" I missed every shot, and then the grenade landed on Tex. "AW CRAP!"

So, that's when I decided, fuck it, I'm not gonna be able to save ANYONE at this pace. "Alright, that's it. I quit. I'm gonna go live in a cave." I ran for the cave as I heard the grenade go off. WHY ME?????????????

A/N: AN ENTIRE CHAPTER DEVOTED TO ONE EPISODE!!!! I HAVEN'T DONE THIS SINCE MY ORIGINAL RvB FANFICS!!!! The first part of the flashback saga is done. Get ready for Episode 51: Episode 50 Part 2 coming to a fanficiton site near you.