Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/N: I just barely passed my first semester of college so expect these to come out pretty slowly.

Chapter 11:

Silver Linings Part 2

6 weeks later…

I hid in the cave overlooking the base as I watched the idiots conduct a "funeral" for me and Tex. Tucker finally realized that grenades can blow holes in the ground and blow up two holes. So the past guys argued about the eulogy as I tried to figure out a way to still complete my mission, "Okay. I may not have been able to save myself or Tex, but I still have time to save everybody else if I can just keep the A.I. from getting in to Doc, prevent Lopez and Sheila from forming their Robot Army, and somehow figure out a way to stop the war between the Reds and the Blues all together. Huh. What if I..." Then I realized that this is gonna be a lot harder than I thought. "Yeah I'm gonna need some help on this one."

So after the entire incident with the Reds I snuck over the base trying to find something to use to contact Vic. "Where the hell is that contact info for Blue Command. We really need to standardize the way we handle our information." Here's how we handled it. Caboose wrote a "Important Lists of Stuf" among which was the contact information for Blue Command…and it was drawn in blue crayon…what an idiot. So I read down the list and eventually found the code. "Ok here we go." I turned on the radio and called Vic.

"Come in Blue Command, do you read me?"

So amidst a ton of static, I heard Vic say, "Hello, hello, come in, do you read me, do I read you, hello, can you read me. What's goin' on, it's a secure channel here, come on." Uh….ok….

"Uh, yeah, this is , uh," Ok…time for bullshitting. "Flowers, this is Captain Butch Flowers." Oh yeah, I'm in trouble if they find out. First, killing a superior officer, then impersonating said officer, they must never know the truth.

"Heyyy, Captain Flowers, how're you doing dude? Hey I heard you died. Or got you promoted, wait a minute which one was it."

"Um…….promoted." Yeah, really in a lot of shit.

"Alright, great dude, how's that workin' out for you?"

Alright best way to get Doc out of this, make it top secret. "Good. Listen up, Vic. I'm actually uh…whaddaya call it, um…" What's the official term? Oh yeah. "Intelligence now, military intelligence, yeah. And I uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh that's very secret…and very top." If he buys this, he's a retard.

"I'm all yours, dude. Me Vic dude es tu Vic dude. In a ditideepti and all that."

A/N: "Ditideepti"? Burnie what were you smoking when saying this.

"Here's what I need you to do. I need you to contact the Red Army, and have them send Medical Officer DuFresne…" Yeah I can pronounce it. I just like pissing people off. "…as far away from here is possible." Although, Vic seemed confused by all this.

"Red Army? No, no, dude. Last transmission I received that medic was at Blue Base. Got it right here in my log. No pun intended." You didn't tell any puns. "Not sure what that means." I DON'T CARE WHERE HE IS, JUST AS LONG AS IT'S NOT WITHIN 500 LIGHT YEARS OF HERE!

"Look, it doesn't matter where he is, I just need him outta here. They're both the same to me."

"Hello, dude. You're telling me that Red and Blue are the same now in Blood Gulch."

Yeah, we'll go with that if it gets him outta here. "Right, exactly, the sides don't matter."

"Heh, so Red and Blue are the same. Okay dude, well this changes everything."

"What?" The fuck are you talking about?

"Well, I mean, for starters, we're gonna have to figure how to divide up the money from the office pool." Whatever, just get his ass outta here.

"Okay okay yeah, whatever, just remember. This is top secret, so you can't let ANYBODY know that I gave you these instructions, okay? Or that we even spoke, don't even tell them that we talked together. You got it?"

"I will proceed accordingly dude, mum is the word…Actually bird is the word cause the bird says mum. Over and out, dude."

"Well that should take care of at least one problem."

Later…

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?" Simmons yelled.

"OH WHAT THE HELL?!?!? VIC JUST HAD 'EM BRING DOC BACK OVER HERE?!? THAT GUY'S A FRICKING MORON!!! NOW I'M BACK TO SQUARE ONE!!!!!!!!"

Ok, now I need to keep Sheila and Lopez from making their "robot army". Ok, I'll go talk to them.

A/N: Ok, RvB fucked the timeline up in here somewhere.

So I came up to Sheila and Lopez and made a very poorly planned speech to them about how the robot army was bad. "Hey there Lopez, Sheila, you're both looking... uh very shiny, today, uh, rust-free, and, anyway, uh-huhm. The reason I'm up here to talk to you guys is, I know we've had our differences in the past, you know with uh, the nut turning and the um possessing and stuff like that, ah but I'm hoping we could put that behind us 'cause I wanna talk to you about maybe some crazy ideas you might be havin up here? Like I dunno, say uh, starting your own robot army? And you know it's, it's something you should think about pretty seriously if you're thinking about doing it, um because it's hard to run an army, and you might not be aware that, it's a lotta, it's a lot of logistics, a lot of rhetoric, um, you know it's uh, you gotta have chain of command, and that stuff you know, it's it's uh when you have ranks it, it puts friends against each other, that's not always a good thing. 'Cause it might seem like it's easy with only three people, even when those people are just robots- I don't mean, I don't mean just robots, I mean, three, you have, you you have three you have three people, that are, mechanized people, mechanized, Americans um, and then, you know, it's uh, it's uh, anyway you shouldn't do it. Bye." I ran off feeling like I just saved myself a lot of trouble, "Well that felt good, I think we really connected. Now, what'm I gonna do about those teleporters..." but after what happened with Vic and Doc…I think I might've just jinxed myself.

Back at the red base…

"Because that's the day I wash my underwear, and since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinking, where can I hang out with no pants on," Donut was telling Grif some weird ass story while I was working on the teleporter to make sure we don't all get split up when we chase after O'Malley, if that still happens.

Grif, though, was obviously scared now, "Oh God!"

"Jesus, what's that guy babblin' about down there, I thought Tucker was annoying. Okay, concentrate, just one more adjustment to make on this teleporter and then we're done." I turned the wrench one more time and that's when I saw Sheila and Lopez. "Oh hey look, here comes Sheila and Lopez. Oh they, sure are coming fast..." Wait, they're not slowing down, they're charging… "Hey they don't even seem to be stopping'." Wait…oh shit. "Uh-oh."

"CURSES!!!" Grif screamed as the tank ran over him and the jeep before…

CRASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I was thrown from the top of the base.

About 5 Episodes Later…

My God, what hit me? Oh right, an enormous 2000 ton tank. "What happened? Where am I?" Oh yeah, the canyon. "When am I?" So I looked over to the middle of the canyon and I saw everybody…and I mean EVERYBODY minus Doc. "Oh no. The parabola of mystery! That means any second now Tucker's gonna get shot by O'Malley and then all hell's gonna break loose. Unless..." So I looked around to find something to use to keep O'Malley of shooting Tucker. That's when I saw it. The reds had a fucking ROCKET LAUNCHER that was just LAYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING CANYON!!!!!! "God I can't believe the Reds have this kind of hardware lying around and they're not even using it."

I picked it up and saw O'Malley leave the cave and approach the large group. I sighted him and locked on with it and fired.

"It's all a-…" BOOM!! "AHHHH SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!"

"WHAT THE HELL!? The targeting system on this thing doesn't work at all………… Oh, so maybe that's why the Reds don't use it. That makes sense now."

Well, by now the entire cluster fuck had started all I could really do was just watch. So I decided, once again…Fuck it.

"Unh, maybe I'll just sit this one out. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends."