Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles
Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360 later this year. But other than that…
Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2007.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.
Well, Church completely fucked up everything in Season 1 and then made things even worse in Season 2, so how could Season 3 be any worse…
…Don't answer that. God, how the fuck am I gonna make this work.
Update came fast this time. REALLY FAST!!!!
Chapter 12:
Have We Met?
Or
Church: 1 Million, Laws of Physics: -∞
I came out of the cave as Tucker, Tex, and Donut were getting ready to leave and join the others on Sidewinder. Sheila was sending them on there way, "Good luck everyone, take care. I packed you all lunches for the trip."
Tucker replied to her, "Thanks, Sheila. That was really nice of you."
"Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid." Ok, Donut, I was just about to ask how she did it, but now you're scared me even more.
"Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes everyday," Sheila said before the others left.
"Bye, Sheila, we'll come back for you soon," Tucker, I would highly doubt that.
"I'll be waiting." That's where I decided to make my move. I ran up to the base to tell Sheila my plan and she saw me, "Church! I thought you left with Grif. Back already?"
Yeah, for me, it's not already, it's been over 1000 years. Anyway, I only have a short time, so I have to make this quick, "I hate to tell you this Sheila, but none of us are comin' back. Is there any way I can take you with me? Maybe transfer your program in to a disk or something like that?"
"No sorry, but I'm hardwired in to this equipment. That's what happens when you're built by the lowest bidder."
"Yeah, tell me about it." Not really. "There's just one more thing you can do for me before I say goodbye. It's the last thing I can do to hopefully set all this stuff right." It really is the last thing I can think of here.
"What is it?"
"Okay, here's what I need you to do. I need you to get out there, and I need you to wait off a real fricking wait, and give it a thousand years or something like that, and then send a call."
"You got it," yes, now to try and stop a 10-megaton bomb. Wait, how did my body survive the first bomb…fuck it.
"Thanks Sheila. And uh, sorry that I blamed you for killing me all this time."
"That's okay, I'm sorry I enjoyed blowing you up so much." Uh…didn't really need to hear that.
"Yeah I'm not sure it was necessary to tell me that. Anyway, I guess this is goodbye Sheila."
I jumped through the teleporter and went toward the jail cells. I got there right in time to see Wyoming taunting me and Grif.
"Ah yes, dear Tex. After I take care of your little friend Tucker, I'll be taking care of her as well."
"When I get outta here-."
"But you won't. Everyone here is dead now. No one even knows where you are. So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death. Hu-huh. Cheerio."
There was a control panel nearby saying "Note: Please don't release prisoners - Thanks, Mgt" For fucks sake, I didn't think any reds could be worse off in their minds than Caboose. Oh well, more important matters, "Man, there is no way Grif can disarm that bomb. I better let him out of there and then go find Tex. She can shut it off."
Back with the past people, "You should try showering in Cell Block C. Those guys are animals."
"Ok, here goes."
"You opened the doors, that wasn't scary at all."
"What, I didn't do that, somebody on the outside must have done it. Alright, let's go."
"Freedom! It smells so sweet! Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home."
"Alright, now to find Tex." Shouldn't be too hard, I mean, she should be with Tucker and the others. I went outside and hid up on a ridge overlooking the guys, the reds, O'Malley and Lopez…but no Tex. So I tried to call her on the radio.
"Come in, Tex. I need you to meet me in the middle of the canyon, right now. This is Church." That won't work, what else does she like, "Uh... I have money." That should work. "Oh man, where is she?"
Suddenly I hear something behind me, "Psst! Hey, hey buddy! Hey!"
I turned around and saw another guy in cobalt armor. Wait, cobalt? "Huh? Who're you?"
"Huh? Oh, I'm you. I'm just a different version of you. Yeah see, I keep trying to fix the bomb, just like you're doing, except I don't do it right, and I get blasted back in time. Then I come back, and try to fix everything all over again. I just wanna let you know, when you get back, meet us at the top of the ramp."
Wait, what? "Us, who's us? Back from where, what's goin' on?"
"Man, this blows. You guys suck."
"WHAT THE HELL?"
"Sorry Private Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye mate."
"Uh guys, I hate to interrupt, but... zero seconds."
"Uh-oh."
"What? Oh, son of a-."
(A/N: Re-insert super kickass major explosion here.)
Right before Church leaves Gary.
"SEE YOU IN A FEW HUNDRED YEARS."
SHIT!!!! I just missed myself, oh well, here's Gary. "Computer, you gotta send me back."
"TO BLOOD GULCH? YOU JUST LEFT." FUCK BLOOD GULCH! I need to get to Sidewinder and stop that fucking bomb.
"NO NO NO!!! Not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I totally screwed everything up!"
"How?"
Of all the questions, HOW?! I KILLED MYSELF, I COULDN'T SAVE MY GIRLFRIEND, VIC'S AN IDIOT, AND A HUGE BOMB STILL DETONATED AND BLASTED ME 1000 YEARS INTO THE PAST!!!!! That's the long version. Short version, "Well, I didn't keep the bomb from going off, so I just got blasted back here."
(A/N: And now, I try to make this work…)
(Help me.)
Suddenly, another guy, another ME, popped in and said, "Yeah me too."
I turned to look at him and basically freak, "What the-."
So he tells me, "Let me just put it this way pal." That's when thousands more me's start popping in. "Your next plan? Goes about as well as the first one does."
Gary shit his electronic pants and said with an obvious hint of concern, "UH-OH!"
Later…
I couldn't believe it. I had actually created my own fucking time paradox. I think that I have just broken every single law of physics in the known universe… jumps…Well, maybe not gravity, but definitely all the others. "What the hell is all of this?!" I asked running up to a whole group of me's, which I will now call Church's being as "me's" isn't a word.
One Church notices me come up, "Oh, here he is. Late again."
Now, I'm really confused at this point. "Who are you guys?"
The same Church yells at me, "We're you, dumbass! We just keep screwing up and getting blown back to the computer terminal. Then we teleport here to try again."
Another Church said, "I know that man, you told me last time."
The first one tells him, "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the new you!"
"Oh, right, sorry about that I'm still gettin' used to all this."
Another Church screams from the back, "DUMBASS!"
"Hey, shut up."
Alright, time to see what other people did so I don't fuck it up like they did…again. "How did all you guys screw up?"
The first guy says, "Well, when Tucker points the rocket launcher at us, I tried to explain the situation to everybody, and oddly, Caboose was really the only person who understood it right away. Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions the bomb went off and I got sent back in time." Ok, considering there were only a few minutes left when you arrived, that's kinda shocking.
The next Church told us his plan, "Right, then I teleported back to Sidewinder, and thought, if I could shoot Wyoming, before he shoots Tucker, then I can fix everything. But I shot Wyoming, then Tucker shot me with the rocket launcher, the bomb went off anyway, and I got sent back in time." I know that wouldn't work.
So the idiot Church tells me, "And then I teleported back, and just decided to kill everybody that I could see." Wait, what? How the hell would that help anything?
"Why did you do that?"
"I dunno, seemed like fun. I think I went a little nuts there for a while."
"Well, what did you do?" I asked this one Church…in yellow…armor…
"Dude, don't ask. Trust me, it, it didn't work." Ok…how he got his armor yellow…I don't know but it was probably something really disgusting.
One of the Churches in the back adds in, "So now we all come back here beforehand to discuss what we did, and see if we can collectively come up with a better plan beforehand."
"You said beforehand twice."
Now to tell them my plan, "Oh. Well in that case, what I was thinking about doing was-."
"That won't work," they ALL said, and I mean ALL of the other Church's said it.
Hey wait, there's a finite number, who's the most recent, who's done everything. "Hey I got it, who's the last Church?"
"Huh?'
"Which one of you, is the latest version of me?"
(I'm gonna be switching POV to this guy after Tex gets rescued, but for now, he is Church n).
"I guess that would be me," said the latest Church. Church n told us, "I've already tried all the stuff that all these other guys have done…" Then he motioned to the yellow Church, "Even him, so, I guess that makes me the latest version."
Time to apply logic. "Well that must mean you're the one that gets it right then."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, if you're the last Church, you must be the one that fixes everything. Otherwise, there'd be a thousand other Churches here, still trying to get it right." Wait, I just forgot, I broke the laws of physics a million times over and he probably told this to the latest guy when he was me.
"I see."
"Wait, why am I explaining this to you? If you're the latest Church, then you've been me, explaining this to you already."
"Uh yeah, I know, I just didn't wanna steal my own thunder. I thought it was a pretty good idea."
"THANKS!"
"Thanks."
Church n decided to on his new plan pretty quickly, "Okay, well I'm gonna go do whatever it is that fixes all this, wish me luck guys."
I asked him, "What're you gonna do?"
So he told us his "plan" which wasn't really much OF a plan, "You know what? I'm just gonna go free Tex, and wing it. 'Cause every time I've made a plan, it's fallen apart. I figure, why not just improvise."
After he was gone, one of the other Church's asked Mr. Yellow Church, "So, what did you do?"
"Oh man, seemed like such a good idea at the time."
AND POV CHANGE!!!!
Ok, Church, you've fucked things over so much already. I thought to myself. All your plans have fallen apart. Just go get Tex outta there and hope for the best… Otherwise everyone is gonna be standing in front of you again and blown…forward…in time…Ok, plan B has been made.
That's when I arrived at the scene where Tex was tied up…and there was another Church there already, "Oh right, I forgot, I already set Tex free one of the other times. Oh sweet, then that means I'm the guy that interrupts me, and then confuses Tex."
Tex got REALLY confused at this point, "I'm totally confused."
"Oh don't worry Tex, I'm just supposed to tell him that it's okay to set Tex free."
The other Church looked at me funny, "It is?"
Well, things haven't changed at all so, do it, "Well, that's what I said to me when I was you, and it seemed to work out okay."
Tex just stood there, "Seriously, this is really confusing."
He untied Tex, "Okay, you're free Tex. Now to execute the second part of my plan. I'm gonna possess Lopez, and then use his lightning machine to defuse the bomb. Seeya!"
"Good luck!" I yelled after him. Though I probably shouldn't have let him go because he kinda shoots me with the lighting bolt that fuses the detonator and makes Sarge tell us about the improbable idea of being brainwashed by us. He's only slightly less retarded than Caboose in some ways.
I told Tex, "Yeah, that's totally not gonna work. Tex, I recommend you get down there, and try to defuse the bomb that's in Church's stomach. I think you're about the only one here that can do it." She was about to leave when I stopped her, "And Tex? The one thing I didn't realize before was this. Maybe I'm the last Church not because I fix everything, but because I died and there's no way I can come back. And if that happens, I just wanna let you know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got you mixed up in all this stupid stuff. I'm sorry I wasn't a better guy than I should've been. I'm sorry for... fwell, for a lot of stuff." I paused and then realized that I should just use plan B. "...But, if we do survive this, then it's totally because of me, and you should build a fucking statue in my honor."
Then she ran off.
"I'm serious! Somethin' cool. Like me on a horse! No no no wait, a motorcycle!"
Ok, she's not going for the bomb, Plan B is a go.
"Man, this blows. You guys suck."
"WHAT THE HELL?"
"Sorry Private Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye mate."
"Uh guys, I hate to interrupt, but... zero seconds."
"Uh-oh."
I ran up behind Caboose and he noticed me, "CHURCH!"
I told him, "What can I tell you dipshit. For better or for worse, I'm back."
(A/N: Reinsert massive enormous super kickass PURE PWNAGE EXPLOSION here…for the last time.)
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! Starting with Grif. Everyone get ready to kiss your ass good-bye. Simmons, you can have the honor of kissing mine." That's the first thing I heard when I arrived at the complex. Sarge was going ape-shit because they had planted a large bomb and it was about to go off.
"Hey everybody, what's up?"
Caboose turned and looked at me, very thrilled, "I am so happy that you made it in time to die with me. We will get to be smithereens together!"
I told him, point blank, "That won't be necessary, Caboose." I turned to the large computer in the middle of the complex. "Hey Gary how ya doin'?"
The 'blue screen of death' faded from the screen and was replaced by the familiar green text that I had to stare at for 1000 years…and a couple thousand retries.
"NOT BAD. ALTHOUGH MY STATIC-ION SUBMATRIX IS A LITTLE ITCHY."
Grif and Simmons were freaked out. Simmons said, "The computer can talk?!"
Grif was equally freaked, "The computer's name is GARY?!"
"HOW HAVE YOU BEEN CHURCH?" Gary said, completely ignoring the reds.
"Good, thanks for asking. Listen, would you do me a favor? Could you shut off the bomb please."
"NO PROBLEM." Then like a good little television bomb, it ticked all the way down to 1 second left…and then turned off.
Sarge went ape-shit again, "Gary, you mean to tell me you could have turned off the bomb this whole time, and you didn't say so? And don't say I didn't-."
"YOU DIDN'T ASK." Ok, never say that, because you will always hear "you didn't ask"
Sarge cursed something unintelligible and I told everyone, "Man, it is really great to see you guys."
Tucker was surprised by my statement, and my mood in general, "You seem like you're in a good mood."
"I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem-."
Caboose figured he knew what I was gonna say and finished my sentence, "They could be worse." Actually, Caboose, that's NOT what I was gonna say.
"Nope. No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching."
Caboose just stared at me, "Where have you been?"
So I told him, "You want the long version, or the short?"
Caboose decided he didn't want to try to understand a lot of shit and said, "I will take the easy version, please."
But Tucker, wanting to hear the gross details said, "Oh I wanna hear the long version. But can you tell me in three parts?"
Alright…here goes…
A/N: Church trilogy is over. Back to regular storylines next time.
R+R