The Church Files, A Red Vs Blue Story

by Austin316v1

Red Vs. Blue from the specific perspective of Private Leonard Church. Replacement to my Novelization of the RvB series. Discontinued

13. Chapter 13

Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC, and I am planning on owning Halo 3 when it comes out on 360. But other than that…

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2006.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

A/ N: Time to wrap up Season 3. Also, I've gotten bored just writing out the story…so now we'll have a new feature: INTERJECTIONS!!!!!

Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
Not yet Tucker. We haven't even reached that episode yet.

Chapter 13:
Who's There?

Tucker was holding on to this strange sword and was telling us about it after I finished my story. By us, I mean myself, Tex, and Caboose. "You got this thing where?"

Tucker pointed to a hole in the giant windmill, "Right up there."

Meanwhile, Caboose was still stuck on my story, "So…you went back in time…and didn't change…anything."

"Uh yeah, I was just like a, passive observer." Well, more like an aggressive person who just happened to fuck everything up and create a causality loop…a really big one.

"I would have tried to save your life…FROM ME!" Caboose seemed so happy to think of the idea that I had come up with 1000 years ago.

So, I sarcastically said, "Yeah, I didn't think of that," and then turned back to the important conversation involving Tucker and the sword, "Hey, Tucker I don't think it's a good idea that you're keeping that thing."

"You're just pissed because you don't have one," Yeah right. Me jealous because you have a weapon that I don't? Three things are wrong with your statement Tucker.

I hate you to begin with so you gaining something that I don't have, except money, won't piss me off.

I couldn't give a damn about that sword to begin with

And 3, and most importantly, "No, you must have me confused with Tex. been staring at you non-stop since you found that thing."

Tex was just staring at the sword, like she was some fat pig eyeing the last piece of cheesecake. gun clicks in background

Church: It's a metaphor Tex, calm down.
Tex: I don't care take it out.
Church: Fine. deletes it Happy now?
Tex: Very.
Tex leaves
Church: Sensitive bitch.
Tex: I HEARD THAT!

Anyway, Tex is staring at the damn thing, probably trying to think up a way to take it away from Tucker, and use it on us. "That's not true," she flat out told us.

Bullshit. You've been staring at it for the last 20 minutes.

Tex: IT WAS 10 MINUTES!
Church: WHATEVER!!! I'm rewriting the story the way I want to.

"You haven't taken your eyes off it."

"Yes I have."

When? "Then why haven't you looked at me the entire time I've been talkin'?"

"I'm looking at you right now."

"No you're not!" She's still staring like something I can't type or else hundreds of women will beat my ass…in the bad way.

…

…

Okay, then.

"I've already seen you…not too impressed."

Then the idiot decided to have foot in mouth once again, "I would have tried to save Tex, too…"

Like I didn't THINK OF THAT OVER 1000 YEARS AGO?!?!?! "Well I didn't Caboose, I didn't try to save me, I didn't try to save Tex, and I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T MAKE A MILLION COPIES OF MYSELF, TRYING TO KEEP THE BOMB FROM GOING OFF!!!!!!"

"Oh…because that was my next suggestion." God, what does it take to shut you up.

"Leave me alone, Caboose. I didn't wanna mess with the timeline." Not really, but I did fuck it up even worse than it already was.

Caboose seemed to be offended by what I said, "Time, line? Time isn't made out of lines. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round." Idiot.

Tex then proved my point about her and the sword, "Man, that thing is really shiny."

"Yep," Tucker added.

However, I was trying to dissuade Tucker from playing with the sword. It seemed pretty important to the old alien culture, "Tucker man, I still think- computer told me that thing is a very important relic, for some ancient culture. I wouldn't go swinging it around like that."

"Yeah? Well I think it's just a kickass piece of bling. And who're you gonna believe, me, or some super-smart stupid talking computer?"

The computer. Any day, of any week, of any year, of any EON!!!! I will believe the computer more than you especially since I've been in a room with him for 1000 years.

So that's when Donut arrives and starts telling us this really really REALLY pointless story about San Francisco, and reindeer and Christmas.

"And that's the story of how I saved Christmas," which was total utter and complete BULLSHIT!!!! But guess who believed him…yeah, of course.

"I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything."

Tucker was as skeptical as I was…COMPLETELY! "Yeah, and I don't think Santa's suit is a leather biker's outfit."

So that's when I saw Sarge, Grif, and Simmons messing with the jeep. "Hey wait a second, why are we letting this pink guy distract us?"

Donut tried to play it off, "I'm not distracting you."

Bullshit, "Yeah, you are. While we're sitting here jabbering, the reds are over there monkeying about!"

Donut silently cried "Yes!" and then he ran back to the reds.

So we came up on the reds who were toying around with something in their jeep. Couldn't really tell what it was.

Caboose: I did…because Andy heard them talking about monkeys. And Gruff was in the back seat with one while…
Church: CABOOSE!!! I'm not up to that yet…well, I'm almost up to that, but still, don't ruin it for everyone. Get outta here.

My God, such a fucking moron. Anyways, Tex, with her super armor was able to tell what they were doing, "See? They're down there, messing with the radio."

I couldn't tell what the hell was going on until she said that. I just thought they were fucking with the jeep. "Oh, so that's what they're doin'."

"Yeah. They must be plotting something." Just cause they're messing with the radio doesn't mean they're plotting anything.

"Or, maybe they're just listening to the radio."

But Tex, being the super spec ops person on the team, knew what she was seeing. "I know plotting when I see it. That's plotting."

Tucker decided to add to my already taxed confusion, "Maybe they're scheming."

"No scheming looks different. That's definitely plotting. They're gonna try something."

You can tell that from right here? Tucker though still believed his stupid little conspiracy, "Why? I already told them Red and Blue are the same, it's all a conspiracy."

Yeah, one that Vic made up…well, I made up to get Doc out of Blood Gulch…which didn't work, "And I told you that's not true. Vic just made it up to confuse us."

"That just means he's part of the conspiracy."

"But he's the one that told you Red and Blue are the same."

"Exactly." Wait, Tucker, what kind of fucking conspiracy are you talking about.

"Wait are, are you talking about a conspiracy that Red and Blue are the same, or a conspiracy that Red and Blue are different?"

Tucker just said it again, "Exactly." Exactly WHAT?! What's your fucking theory, or are you just making shit up?

"You just keep saying exactly, do you have a theory or don't you?"

Tex decided to interrupt with the fact that the Reds were still trying to think of something to do against us. "Look, I don't care about Red, or Blue. All I know, is that those guys are up to something down there."

Tucker made up an even MORE bullshit theory. "Maybe they're planning to use the radio to beam secret messages to the fillings in my teeth."

Fillings in your teeth?! SECRET MESSAGES?!?!?!

"Secret messages about what!?"

"Exactly." My God.

Suddenly Caboose popped up with a theory that actually seemed valid. "They are probably trying to tune in to the distress signal they heard on the radio."

We all turned to him, "What makes you say that?"

So that's when he gives us a very long and lengthy…

Caboose: Is this the part?
Church: YES CABOOSE!!! Go over there and be quiet.
Caboose: …Ok.

…and lengthy description of what he supposedly heard, "Oh, I know all the details. They were in their car, the Boss Hogg, when Simmin, heard a distress signal, on, the radio, and Gruff was in the back seat. With a monkey."

Tucker seemed skeptical, not very surprising there being as about three quarters of his statement was incorrect, "Hmm, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that some of that is wrong."

So was I, "How do you know all this Caboose?"

And he told us, "Andy told me."

Andy? I don't know any Andy's.

"Andy, who's Andy?" So I looked over at Tucker, and asked, "Are you, are you Andy?

"I'm not Andy, I'm Tucker." I KNOW DUMBASS! What's your fucking first name?

"Not, I know, what's your first name?"

"Lavernius."

"Lavernius, then who's this Andy g-." Hey, wait a minute. That's a black guy's name…is he black? "Wait a second... are you black?"

"Me?" Who else dumbass?

"Yeah."

"Does it matter?" Not really, I just want to know.

"No. I'm just curious."

"Well if it doesn't matter then why are you curious?" Well, I've been working with you for a couple of years now and I've never seen what you look like.

"I don't know, I guess that's just something I should have picked up on after all this time."

"You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!"

Asshole.

So, with the reds still working on their car, Caboose took the others inside…to the bomb. I watched the entire thing from the main room where Gary was.

Caboose introduced Tex and Tucker to the bomb, "This is Andy. Andy this is Tex and Tucker. Uh, the black one is Tex, and the other black one is Tucker."

We were ALL skeptical this time with Tucker being the one to ask, "Andy's the bomb?"

Caboose replied, "Uh, Andy, prefers the term 'Explosive American.'"
"Are you making fun of me?"

"He told me all about what the Reds are up to. Didn't you Andy..." The bomb just sat there…glowing. "Yes. -and then we talked about, all our adventures, did you know that he used to know Sheila? Isn't that right Andy?"

The bomb just continued to sit there…and glow. Why was the bomb glowing?

So Tucker, starting to get worried (why, I don't know), asked Caboose, "Ehm, Caboose, are you hearing the bomb talk right now?"

Caboose, ignoring Tucker, started to yell at the bomb, "Say something Andy. You are embarassing me in front of my friends."

Tex was seriously concerned over the way he was acting, "Caboose, I think you're losing it."

Tucker added, "Also I wouldn't really call us 'friends,' we're more like acquaintances or, people who work with other people they hate."

That's about the point when I turned back to Gary to talk to him. "Gary, I need you to tell me some more about the Alien race that needs Tucker's sword."

"I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM."

"You don't know anything about the Aliens that programmed you?"

"correct. instead they filled all my memory banks with information about the great destroyer and his race."

"You mean humans?"

"THAT IS NOT WHAT THEY CALL YOU…BUT CORRECT." Ok, so what are we known as then?

"Fine, what do they call us." This should be good.

"SHISNO."

…

…

…

"That's an insult, isn't it?" I mean, it definitely sounds like one, a very BAD one.

"PERHAPS THIS CAN BE BEST EXPLAINED IN THE FORM OF A KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE."

I sighed. Not this again. As if 1000 years of jokes wasn't bad enough.

"KNOCK KNOCK."

"Who's there?"

"YOU ARE."

"You are who?"

"YOU ARE A DIRTY DIRTY SHISNO. HA HA HA." That's it. I want to know what it is they think we are.

"Alright, what does it mean?"

"WHAT IS THE MOST FOUL-SMELLING ANIMAL ON YOUR PLANET?"

Well that's obvious, "A skunk. Wait, so Shisno means skunk?!" That's not an insult at all.

"NOT EXACTLY." Didn't think so. "DOES A SKUNK DEFECATE?"

"Yes." It's an animal, why wouldn't it?

"AND DOES THE SKUNK'S DEFECATION IN TURN PRODUCE ITS OWN EXCREMENT?"

WHAT?!??!?!! DEAR GOD NO!!!!!!!! "Ew, no!!!!"

"THEN THERE IS NO EQUIVALENT FOR SHISNO IN YOUR LANGUAGE."

Thank you for that, because that would probably sound nasty. "Gross."

"LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE." Hey, I wonder if the bomb ever 'talked' to Gary at all. I asked him.

"Hey, does that bomb, ever talk to you?" I figure that it shouldn't hurt to ask.

"THE BOMB? NO. NEVER." Yep, that was expected.

"Yeah, I didn't think so."

"ANDY AND I ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS RIGHT NOW."

"Heh heh yeah." Wait, Caboose got his information from Andy. And now Gary is calling the bomb Andy…No…time to make sure. "Wait, Andy?"

"CORRECT. HE IS KIND OF A JERK."

That's when all of a sudden, this weird voice shout out from the other room…where the bomb was. "Hey, I'm not the jerk. YOU'RE the jerk…jerk."

"THAT WAS VERY RUDE."

"Ah, shut up ya Shisno!" Oh boy…yet ANOTHER talking machine…this is going to be a long day isn't it.

I arrived as Tucker and Tex were recovering from Andy's outburst. Tucker looked over at Caboose and said, "You're trying to tell us that this bomb can talk."

Caboose looked at him, "I'm not telling you that," then looked back at the bomb. "He's telling you that."

Andy shouted at Tucker, "YEAH! And I'm STANDING RIGHT HERE!!! You CAN talk to me."

Tucker was suspicious, "If you could talk this whole time, then why didn't you just... wait, why'm I talking to a bomb? I'm not doing this."

This pissed Andy off, and considering that he is a dangerous explosive object…I'd say that is a bad idea, "What, am I not good enough to talk to? Who do you think you are, some kind of "too good to talk to a bomb" type?"

"Maybe it's a good idea NOT to piss off the explosive device," I said trying to defuse the situation, no pun intended.

Tex immediately spoke up, "I agree."

Ok, time to get myself in trouble, "I wasn't talking about you, Tex."

Tex was beginning to threaten me, "Hey, why don't you suck my -."

That's when Tucker interrupted, "Did Gary say anything about the bomb being able to talk?"

Well…not much, just keeps rambling about 'shisnos' and the 'Great Destroyer', "Uh, just that this whole place is going to be destroyed by us, and that Andy here is probably the thing that does it."

"Oh…That's not good." No duh, shitface.

Andy was pretty much in agreement with me…only a lot more violent, "I don't think so. Bunch of shisnos if ya ask me. And no one did ask me which I find insulting!"

Ok, starting to get bad, he's getting worked up, "Alright, alright calm down Andy, calm down."

"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! I AM CALM!!!!"

So while he kept rambling, I whispered to Caboose, being as he had a connection with Andy, "Caboose, calm this thing down before it has a meltdown."

So Caboose tried his best to get Andy to relax, "Andy, everyone here is your friend. And no one wants to hurt you." Not really.

"Yeah, right."

He kept going, "Come on Andy, think of a happy place. Now what makes you happy?"

Andy replied pretty excitedly, "Being in the middle of a huge explosion!" NO CABOOSE!! BAD!!!!

"Less happy place, Caboose. Less happy place," I quickly said. Don't even get him thinking about that.

"Ah u... think calming thoughts, uh... let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight-."

"NO!!!!" (Tex and Tucker)

"DUCK!" (Me at the same time)

Eventually Caboose figured out a way to calm him down and was saying, "You are in a cool river, where no one disturbs you, or calls you names. Like 'Bomby.' Or, 'The Exploding Jerk.' There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy."

Tex surprisingly was giving her own advice to Andy, "Breathe in through your nose (insert breathing noise here) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (again, insert breathing noise), and out through the mouth."

So I had an idea, a little yoga/feng-shui shit should help get him to relax. And no I am not gay, I don't use any of that shit. My exercise…chasing Tucker around the canyon with an assault rifle in my hands. "Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?"

Even Gary was getting in on it. "HEY ANDY. KNOCK KNOCK."

"Who's there?"

"INNER PEACE AND SERENITY."

"I already heard that one."

So we finally got him relaxed and we decided to make sure, "So we cool here?" I asked everyone.

Tucker replied, "I think we're finally calmed down."

Caboose added, "Yes. We are all better now, we are not mad, and we are definitely not thinking about exploding at all any more." Which was probably not the best thing to say because Andy put two and two together and got…pissed off.

"Hey, are you talkin' about me?" he asked, with a hint of anger in his voice.

I panicked, "What? No, course not. We just wanna make sure that we're all happy, and that we're not upset in any way whatsoever."

"Don't say "we", you really mean me. I mean, you, which in this case, is me." Uh…ok Church think, who else gets really pissed off in this group… "No no no, uh, we're uh, talking about Tex."

"EXCUSE ME?!?!?!"

I whispered to her, fearing for my life, "Hey, you wanna die in an explosion? Play along." So I turned back to Andy and started to till him a story that will probably get me beat up if I try to tell it right now.

Tex: Go right ahead. It happened, didn't it? And besides I still haven't paid you back for that yet so I'll probably beat you up anyway later…
Church: Ok, I get it. Just not right now, I want to be able to finish this.

"Yeah, um... I don't know if you've noticed but she's uh... she's kind of a bitch. Isn't that right Tex."

What I got in return was a glare and a "Church…"

Tucker tried to give me a hand and grunted out, "Come on Tex."

She sighed and decided, very begrudgingly, to play along, "Yes, we're talking about me."

Andy wasn't believing it in the least, "Sounds like you're patronizing me."

Tex, in a very convincing way, said, "No really, it's me, I'm a bitch."

I prodded her on to keep the illusion up for Andy, "Heh heh, keep going."

"And I need to be calmed down all the time."

"Or what happens?"

"Or, else I get so mad," she said as she gave me the most ice cold stare ever, "I kill people on my own team."

…

"…I see your point."

Caboose added, "Tell about the moodiness…and the crankiness."

Then Tucker made it very convincing, screaming out, "Also mention that you like to punch people in the head while they sleep."

At this point Caboose got really upset, "That was you!? I thought the Tooth Fairy was mad at me."

Andy was convinced at this point, "Well, she sounds like a real handful."

So Tex decided to drop the charade, "Alright listen you little noob firecracker…"

DON'T FINISH THAT THOUGHT! "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! See what I mean Andy? Volatile."

I got another stare kinda like the one I know I'm getting right now, "I am so gonna remember this Church."

Tex: And I still do.

Whatever, Caboose gave me a good suggestion, "You should sleep with your pillow on top. Of your head. Tonight."

I ignored him and told Tex flatly, "Yes, that's very funny, make all the threats you want. As long as everyone is calm, and peaceful, and there's nothing else to make us excited, I don't care."

That's when a rocket exploded directly behind me and I heard O'Malley scream out, "ATTACK MY ROBOT MINIONS!" amid his evil laughter.

I told everyone there, "I could almost feel that coming, right as I finished the sentence." That's when another explosion rocked the base.

No, it wasn't Andy. He was actually pretty calm through the ordeal. Caboose stayed with him, Tex and Tucker went to see what we were fighting strength wise, and I went to confer something with Gary.

"Gary, is it possible that the Great Destroyer could be an entire army of people?"

"NO. THE GREAT DESTROYER IS A SINGLE PERSON THAT WILL COME TO CLAIM THE GREAT WEAPON."

"Yeah, that's great."

"PREPARE. ONE AND ALL. THE FULFILLMENT OF THE GREAT PROPHECY IS AT HAND."

"So you have no good news for me today?"

"ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN'T SAY BANANA?" That was expected. Sometime in this sequence of events, the reds bailed on us with the jeep. I walked outside looking for Tex and found Tucker half knocked-out on the floor. "Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?"

"Uhhhh, mmm, huh, damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn." Ah, Tex happened to him. Well, you get knocked out a lot, so next time…you deal with Caboose's team killing.

"Hey good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one."

"Maybe we should all stick to what we know best." Then I noticed that he wasn't holding the sword.

"Hey, where's your weapon?"

Tucker responded with the only sentence I did not want to hear, "Do you think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday dude, she took it!"

"Oh man, this is not gonna be good."

Within the next 30 seconds, someone decimated the ENTIRE robot army. And we just assumed that it was Tex.

We just stared out at the carnage with all the robot bodies laying there, destroyed, with no sign of Lopez or O'Malley.

"Wow, she really did a lot of damage," I said, ruining the slience.

Tucker looked at me incredulously asking, "Are you surprise?"

Not in the least. I was actually half expecting this. "No, not really, I guess not."

"I'll tell you what, it's days like today, I'm really glad she's on our side."

That's when we heard a certain female voice behind us, "Who's on our side?" Then Tex looked out and saw the carnage, and was…impressed…but not at herself, "Whoa! Who killed all the robots?"

"You did."

"No, I didn't." Wait, what? Then where were you?

"What?"

"I've been downstairs, trying to figure out how to turn this sword on."

"Wait a minute." I ran inside the base thinking that maybe there was somebody else out here besides us while Tex and Tucker said something about the sword's power button not working. I got inside and Gary was saying over and over, "THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED. THE END IS NEAR. THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED. THE END IS NEAR."

I ran up to him and tried to get him to stop, "Oh come on Gary Gary Gary, stop stop stop. Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?"

Gary promptly stopped, and didn't say anything.

"Gary?"

Then those two words appeared on his screen again, "KNOCK KNOCK."

"Who's there?"

(cue end of Episode 57 with Alien sneaking up behind Church)

(Cue sounds of violence at writing place as Tex beats the piss out of Church)

Ow.

TO BE CONTINUED

Three seasons now completed.

Tucker: COME ON! I wanna say it.
Say it and I'll kick you square in the nuts.
Tucker: You're bluffing.
Try me.
Tucker: …Bow-chicka-.
KICK
Tucker (high pitched): bow-wow.
SWEET CHIN MUSIC (owned by Vince McMahon)
I don't bluff about violence towards characters.
Tucker: very soft Asshole.

R+R