Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC and Xbox, Halo 2 for Xbox, the Halo 2 Multiplayer map packm and I will own Halo 3 this November. But as far as the rest of the stuff in this:

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2007.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

All references to WWE stuff is owned by Vince McMahon.

A/N: School sucks balls, I've been practically failing 2 classes, according to High School grade scales, but then again, I go to one of the toughest schools in the country.

WE FINALLY START SEASON 4 AFTER A TWO MONTH HIATUS!!!!!!!!!!

(phone) Hello…what?...YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!! THERE'S ONLY SIX MORE PREMIERES LEFT UNTIL RVB IS OVER?!?!?!??!?!...

Excuse me one second….

(The edge of the solar system): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(coughing)-ahem-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-.

Chapter 14:

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!

"KNOCK KNOCK."

"Who's there?" I turned around and I saw this scary looking creature breathing on me…

"HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!" I quickly jumped out of my body before it could do any damage. Dear God, what in the blue hell was that?! It actually looked like the alien from the fucking movie. I gotta warn the others.

I ran outside where Tucker was telling Tex and Caboose this story that I won't go into the details on. "Then he says, 'Did I read it? I already ruined it!'"

"That's disgusting."

"I don't get it." On top of a whole lot of other things Caboose.

I faded in from no where trying to catch my breath saying, "WHAT…THE FUCK….WAS THAT?!" Caboose was happy to see me while Tucker and Tex, in that order, merely showed indifference.

"Hey Church."

"Hey."
"Huh?"

I stood there waiting for a question, but decided to stop waiting and ask why I wasn't hearing it. "Isn't anybody gonna ask me 'What happened to your body, Church?'"

Tex and Tucker rolled their eyes like this wasn't a surprise to them. "What happened to your body, Church."

Caboose on the other hand, "What happened to some…body…Church?" was Caboose. As being Caboose, I ignored him.

"Hell if I know. All I know is, I was sitting there talking to Gary-."

Tex looked up trying to make sure she was hearing this right, "The bomb?!"

"No that's Andy. Gary is the computer," I told her with an air of "How do you not remember" tone thrown underneath.

Tex realized that, looked at us and said, "I don't even remember your names half the time."

And thus gives us foot in mouth disease once again. "I KNOW MY NAME! You can ask me if you forget," Ok, shut up Caboose.

"Hey can we please focus on me?"

But this time…he doesn't stop having foot-in-mouth. "By the way, he's Church."

"Yes, thank you Caboose. She knows." I was about to the story when…

"He is the mean one."

"THANK YOU…CABOOSE!!!" What does it take to shut you up? Alright, here goes…

"See, he is mad," OH MY GOD!!!!! "Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking. Then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again."

….

"Ok, so I was talking to Gar-."

"Told you so."

"GODDAMNIT!!!!!!!!"

"Classic Church." I am so gonna kill you in the near future.

"I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurysm." Thank you for that fun little fact Tucker.

"ANYWAY! I was talking to Gary about the 'Great Destroyer' who at the time we thought was Tex."

CUE FLASHBACK:

"THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED. THE END IS NEAR. THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED. THE END IS NEAR."

I ran up to him and tried to get him to stop, "Oh come on Gary Gary Gary, stop stop stop. Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy, then who is?"

"And that's when I turn around and I saw…"
In the flashback, I was just turning around to look at the alien……and saw Caboose.

"Saw what? Saw O'Malley?"

"What the…CABOOSE! Get of the story man. NO! It wasn't O'Malley."

"What was it?" DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!!!!

"Stop interrupting me and I'LL TELL YOU!!"

"A helicopter?" No, I wish it was though.

"Yeah, Caboose. Shut up."

What the hell? HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE!!!!

"Hey, Tucker, you're interrupting now too. EVERYONE JUST GET OUTTA HERE!!!!!"

Tucker was offended, "Me? I'm just trying to punch up the story line. Check this out."

Ok, hold on for a second everyone…

(a few minutes later)

Tucker (outside): OW!!! OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO!!!

Yeah, play stupid Tucker. She'll refresh your memory.

Yeah so I just gonna jump to right here.

END FLASHBACK

"Bow-chicka-bow-." Tucker was saying as Tex lifted up her battle rifle, causing Tucker to piss his pants. "WHOA! Story's over."

Tex just looked at him, highly pissed, and said, "You're a pig."

Tucker decided to whine, "I didn't even get to the part when the sailors show up."

A/N: Trust me, if you know what happened, put it in there. If you don't know, check out Episode 58.

Tex walked away from the perv and told me, "So tell us. What did you see?" Now remember that I've been calling it an alien, but I wasn't sure what the hell it was back then. "Um…it was this really big…" What's the best way to put this? "…thing." Ok, that definitely wasn't the right thing to say in this context.

"That's your story? You saw a big thing?" Tex looked at me, obviously wanting more.

Tucker (outside): BOW-CHICKA-WOW (BOOM!)- OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANKS TEX!!!!!!

Tex: WHATEVER!

Tucker decided to continue being a perv, "Eh, my story had a big thing in it too. You just didn't give it time to develop."

Ignoring that, "Well I didn't really get a clear look at it."

Caboose was confused, "At Tucker's big thing."

YOU FUCKING RETARD!!!! "NO DUMBASS!!!! At the big thing in the base that attacked me. All I know is that it was slimy, and it had lots of teeth."

"Kinky." Ok, enough being an idiot Tucker, this is serious.

"Seriously dude, cut the shit. We've got a situation on our hands."

Tex was the only other person concerned about this, "Well, how did you fight it off?"

Are you crazy?!?! No wait, you dated me, that's enough for you considering my horrible luck. "Fight it off? You must have me confused with someone who's brave. I got the hell outta there."

"You're telling me you just left your body behind?"

"I had to get outta there fast. That body was just dead weight."

Foot-in-mouth…now, "I know the feeling."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Meanwhile, Tucker was laughing hysterically. "Hahahaha, some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Church! Haha!"

Tex decided to change that, "He didn't scare the crap outta him, he scared the soul outta him."

But it didn't seem to matter to Tucker, "Oh it's Church, what's the difference? His soul is made outta crap. Stupid crap for soul."

Back on topic, "For all I know, he's in there chewing on my body right now."

So Tex got into business mode, "Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours."

But then we had the problems because Tucker said, "Bow-chicka-bow-wow."

"Shut up."

"Shut up Tucker."

But he progressed, "Did somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Tucker, shut up."

"I came here to lay some pipe. Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"

"TUCKER!"

"So I hear you got sisters. Bow chicka- who're twins! -wow wow!"

"Shut up."

"Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow-chicka-bow-wow."

"SHUT UP!!!"

"Bow chickachicka-."

"Shut up."

"-gow wow chicka-."

"Shut up!"

"-chicka bow bow chickachickachi bow bow!"

"Shut up!"

Ok so we got up to the front of the compound and Tucker decided to state the obvious, "We haven't seen that alien thing come out, so he's probably still hiding in there."

And Caboose decided to add, "Or, EATING CHURCH!"

Tex was still all business, "Alright then. Let's roll."

"Ok…here we go."

And we stood there…not moving for like 10 seconds before Tucker said, "..Uh, we're not moving."

Ok, let's try it again, "Yeah, yeah, okay. Ahem. Here we go."

"…..We're still not moving."

"Does talking count as moving." Shut up retard.

Tex decided that the time for waiting was over forever, "Alright screw it. You guys get behind me, and stay tight."

"Bowchickabowwow."

"Never mind. Tucker's in front." Smooth move dumbass.

"Eh, it was worth it."

So Tucker went in first, with me close behind. Now Tucker's got this awesome energy sword that cut through our armor like a knife through butter…and he's holding an SMG. "Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?"

Tucker looks at me like I've got two head, "No way. I'd rather have a gun."

Then what is this thing I'm holding, "But I've got a gun."

"What're you gonna do? Shoot it with ghost bullets?"

Eh…yeah, "Okay yeah, that's a good point."

"Hey I'm Casper, the friendly bullet."

Tex yells up to us, "HEY! SEE ANYTHING?"

Tucker yelled back the obvious answer, "NOPE!"

That's when I remembered about our explosive little friend on the inside, "You know, Andy was here when I got attacked. Maybe he knows something." I walked over to the ledge we were walking along and whispered down to Andy, "Psst, hey Andy. ANDY!"

"Hehehey, look who's back! The dickhead!"

"Hey, up yours."

"Back for another beatin'? It must be asskick-oclock!"

"Where's that big alien thing?"

"I don't know, last time I saw him he was halfway up your ass."

"Is this bomb giving you a hard time?" That's when Tex walked up and Andy kept going on.

"I see you brought a girl with you. What're you gonna have a crying contest?"
Then I saw the cobalt painted robot with an AI that had LONG since been corrupted and malfunctioned lying on the ground. "Hey, look there's my body right there."

But Tucker saw something much more deadly as we heard an audible, "Llargh."

"Huh? THERE IT IS!!!!!"

And we ran, panicked and just started to fire random sprays of bullets at the damn thing, but we didn't care if we hit. We just wanted to get outta there.

"JESUS RUN!!!"

"Crap!"

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I DON'T WANNA DIE WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!!!!!"

"RUN!!!!"

"WOMEN AND CHILDREN LAST!!!!!"
"Run run run run run run run!"

Andy kept laughing insanely, "Heheh, what, you leavin' already? That's fuckin' hilarious!"

"Ahhh run run run run run!" So now we were outside the base running back up the hill and Caboose asks us, "Did we win?"

Tucker, who had now passed him answered, "Yeah Caboose we won, this is our victory lap!"

Meanwhile Andy was still laughing after us, "HEY COME BACK IN! I THINK YOU'RE TIRING HIM OUT!!!!!!!"

My God, we looked like idiots. We eventually regrouped outside the base after calming down and everything and we returned to the important matter at hand, "Ugh, man I just cannot fuckin' stand the idea of my body laying in there."

"Heh haeh, you never looked better!"

"HEY SHUT UP ANDY!!!!!!" Like you do anything helping except sit there and act like a total dick. I turned back to our group and revealed that I actually almost hit him, "You know, we could have taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times."

Tucker blurted out, "A few more times? How about one time?"

"Well I think I landed at least two or three shots." And like you did any better?

Tucker was pretty skeptical about that , "Yeah, right."

But Tex was completely adamant against me, "You didn't hit anything but the wall."

And you know this how? You took one, ONE shot and ran right out of the building. "How the hell would you know, you were runnin' straight backwards."

"This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively." Yeah, as if that hallway wasn't long range enough. Tucker was definitely in agreement with me, "Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets."

Tex was pissed and decided t go all super freelancer on us. "You know what? I work better alone. You ladies stay here, I'll be back in two minutes with that thing's head on a platter."

Once she had left, Tucker asked me and Caboose, but more me, "Does it ever bother you that the most take-charge guy on our team is a girl?"

Hell I didn't care. I just wanted to be tangible again. "Not at all. As long as I get my body back I don't care if I'm a hero."

Both of the idiots just stared at me for five seconds before I said, "What?"

Tucker filled me in on some obvious truths, "Huh, well, Church you're kind of a long way from "hero." Wouldn't it have been better to say "I don't care if I'm a participant?" Or maybe bystander?"

"Shut up."

Caboose added to Tucker's argument, "Or a decoy?"

And that's the last thing I need. "Hey, Caboose, don't help him, ok?"

So Tucker spotted Tex re-enter the base, "Hey she's going in, you guys think she can take him?"

Two seconds later we heard a crack and behind us, "Oh crap."

I simply said, "Nope."

After a couple more minutes of arguing, Tucker came up with the smartest suggestion I heard all day, "Maybe Caboose should try talking to him."

Caboose was intrigued, "Uhh, what would I say?"

"Start with some common ground. Like how you both killed Church."

Caboose decided to think on that for a second, "Mmm... good times."
And I actually decided to support Tucker's plan, "You know I actually like that idea."

Tex looked at me with her eyes incredibly wide, "YOU DO?!?!"

"Well think about it. While our Ambassador here is either being a) eaten by the alien, or b) digested, by the alien, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies." I mean, we get rid of the idiot AND we get our bodies back.

Caboose got way TOO close Tucker and said, "I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, because I am very shy!"

Tucker quickly moved away, "Get away from me freak!"

I told Caboose as he ran inside, "You know if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself bait."

Meanwhile, Tex ran to the top of the ramp and decided to look down to exactly where she had fallen, "There's my body."

I came up next to her and said, "Oh yeah, hey look, there's your body. Heh heh heh huh, you really didn't make it very far, did you?"

So Tex got that whole homicidal pissed off look in her eyes and said, "You know I wonder, ih if I killed a ghost, would it come back as a ghost of a ghost?"

I slowly backed off and said, "Yeah that's a good point I'll... shut up now."

-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(BAM!) OW!!!! WHAT THE FUCK….

Grif: Dude, that' my line, and I haven't even been in this since Chapter 12. And I'm probably not gonna be in it until you get to Season 5.

You know what? You're right. And to make sure of that…

(kick to Midsection)

JR: STUNNER! STUNNER!

NOW YOU STAY THERE UNTIL I MAKE IT TO EPISODE 78!

NOW YOU ALL BETTER REVIEW OR END UP LIKE MY BUDDY GRIF HERE AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE (WHAT?!) CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!!!!!

(GLASS BREAKS, Insert Austin's music here)

Grif: (quietly) You suck.

WHAT?!