Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC and Xbox, Halo 2 for Xbox, the Halo 2 Multiplayer map pack, the Halo 3 Beta, and Halo 3 (regular). But as far as the rest of the stuff in this:

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2007.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

All references to WWE stuff is owned by Vince McMahon.

A/N: Short chapter…but this one TOOK FOREVER!!!! Stupid trying to find appropriate dialogue…stupid college….stupid alien….stupid…..uh….STUPID!!!! This is probably the worst chapter I have written for this. So feel free to the flame the shit out of it.

Chapter 15:

Blargh?

A few minutes after we sent in Caboose, Tex and I reclaimed our bodies and then decided to try and salvage whatever was left of Caboose after the alien-thing got done with him. We were surprised (and extremely pissed off) to hear him talking as we walked into the main room.

"I think I will call him…Crunchbite."

"Eh, that's a stupid name."

"Well, I think it's better than your suggestion…Crouch-a-saurus."

So I walked into the room saying, "Caboose who are you talking to," and saw the alien "HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I immediately got ready to fire as the alien got ready to attack going, "Blargh!"

Caboose stepped right in between the two of us. "STOP! He is my friend. He is not going to eat anybody."

A/N: I'm not gonna be saying the Alien's quotes unless he's being talked to directly.

"Yeah, he thinks you guys stink too much to eat." Andy told us.

So Tex decides to say, "He thinks we stink? It smells like someone set a fish on fire in here." Then the alien looked at her like she was a piece of me….beef, phew.

Tucker: BOW-CHICKA-BOW-WOW

DAMNIT TUCKER/STUNNER!/

Tucker: (weakly) Fuck you.

"Caboose, What the Fuck man, are you sure about this?" I mean this thing is an alien that we no absolutely nothing about. Probably carnivorous considering that jaw of his.

"Absolutely. He has not tried to bite me at all."

HONK.

"Since he bit me the first time," Caboose admitted. Definitely carnivorous. Nice job on that one retard.

"Yeah, that was hilarious." Andy was laughing his ass off.

"I think I might need a tetanus shot." No, it's a rabies shot; you get tetanus shots for cuts on rusty metal, such as the bullets in my gun…and I think a rabies shot is the LEAST of your worries idiot.

But, that was right about the time…"WHOA! What is that stench? Is a skunk juggling old yogurt?" Tucker showed up. "It smells like infected cheese on a hot plate. Did you eat and then throw up a can of trash?"

HONK

"That's exactly what he said right before he bit me." Ok, note to self: avoid talking about stenches.

So Tex asks me, "Do you understand what this thing's saying?"

Yeah, like I can understand…hey, wait. I think I got something. "Wait, I think I'm hearing a pattern here. I think blarghs come after honks."

HONK.

"Or vise versa." Ok, maybe not.

"I think…I think blargh means me…or…apples." Uh…yeah, sure Caboose. Highly unlikely its either. "Guys! Apples must be the name of his cat. Quick, quick, is Apples stuck in a tree?"

HONK

"I will call the fire department." And I think it's more likely that he would EAT a cat…or at least CAUSE it to be up a tree.

So, trying to be smart, I ask it. "Mr. Huge Alien, do you understand what we are saying?" To which I get this response:
BLAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!

Uh……yeah. "I have no idea if that means yes or no."

"Totally blows away your 'vice versa' theory. Sorry." It was blown away WELL before he said that. So then Tucker decides to offer his own opinion to me and Tex…and by offer his opinion. I mean:

"You two are retarded", insulting us. "You're never gonna figure out what he's saying by experimentation, give it up."

"You don't know that." But then again….he's probably right…unfortunately.

"You don't even know how they talk. What if their language isn't entirely verbal. It could be telepathic…or via smells, ew." Interesting suggestion. But, so do you asshole.

"Well, if it's via smells then you should be fluent in the language already…jackass." Yeah, that's such a burn.

HONK.

"Oh shut up, you're not helping." Stupid alien…

"Wait! I think Tucker might be right. I think he might be saying things telepathically. I just heard something in my head." Wait , Tucker might be right about the telepathy….something doesn't smell right about that…and not the alien.

"Huh? What was it?"

"It was a voice…saying…Blargh blargh blargh honk honk." Oh….figures.

"That wasn't in your head Caboose. He just said it. You're just so dumb, you're lagged a few seconds behind us. By the time your brain has figured out what it's heard, it feels like it's already happened." Then he stares at me. Not saying anything for like 10 seconds, and then completely proves my point.

"……That's not true, WAIT!!! I hear something else in my head. It must be Apples, trying to communicate with me. QUICK! Tucker! Get a ladder." Yeah….I'm just gonna go stand over there now.

A/N: That episode took so long to do because I couldn't figure out any decent dialogue. So this will probably be the worst chapter…..stupid alien.

Flames will be used to burn this chapter alive. Because that's how I felt about writing the transcription for this episode.

R R