Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC and Xbox, Halo 2 for Xbox, the Halo 2 Multiplayer map pack, the Halo 3 Beta, and Halo 3 (regular). But as far as the rest of the stuff in this:

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2007.Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001.

All references to WWE stuff is owned by Vince McMahon.

Chapter 16:

Lost in Translation

Well, as Caboose and Tucker kept trying to experiment with linguistics, I decided to ask the one person possible to ask and get a decent answer from. "Hey Gary, is there any way that you could translate what this big alien is saying to us?"

"NO." Well that went to hell pretty fast.

"Aw come on man, isn't this one of the aliens that built you?"

"YES BUT I DO NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT THOSE CREATURES. I WAS ONLY PROGRAMMED WITH KNOWLEDGE OF THE SHISNOS….I MEAN YOU."

Ok, really getting sick of that word here. "Yeah listen man, that word is really startin' to bug me a little bit." I mean it's a skunu turd…that can make even more turds.

"YOU DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANT UNTIL I TOLD YOU."

So, it's pissing me off. "I know but you just say it so much."

"I ONLY SAY SHISNO IN CONTEXT, LIKE WHEN TALKING TO A SHISNO OR ABOUT A SHISNO. (pause) I THINK I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN SHISNO."

Good. "So you'll stop."

"INTERSPECIES PREJIDUCES TAKE A LONG TIME TO OVER COME, BUT I WILL TRY."

Yeah…right. "Thanks."

"LUCKILY I AM NOT LAZY LIKE A SHISNO." Really putting full processor power into this aren't you. "Yeah it's pretty clear you mean to give this your best effort."

"I THINK THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT I AM TRYING."

"Ok. Church…is trying to get…a translator…so that WE…can talk…to each other," Tucker was explaining to someone as I walked back to them, which was kinda pointless.

"Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language. Speaking SLOWLY is not gonna help." But then he said, "What?! I'm talking to Caboose." "Oh." That's different…at least it makes sense WHY he's talking slowly…but it still won't help. Why?

"I don't understand…are…are…are you hungry? Tucker are you hungry? Are you cold" You see…

"What? No." Tucker and I were both looking at each other, wondering what Caboose was babbling about. Then he asked.

"Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?" Um…ok. That sounded kinda gay.

"Damnit, NO! Caboose, I'm not cold. I don't want a hot dog. AND IF YOU PUT MUSTARD IN MY FUCKING SHEETS AGAIN, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!"

A/N/raises eyebrow/ Uh….yeah, that's kinda gross.

Tucker: Tell me about it.

So then Caboose, completely forgot about what we were talking about…and proceeded to talk to the alien. Maybe they'll understand each other…idiots. "Ok, gargantuan alien. Now that we have decided to keep you, you need a real name." He's not a pet idiot. "I vote for Fluffy."

Tucker and I had the same thought…for once. "FLUFFY?!?!" Except he said it out loud.

"FLUFFY! THE ALIEN THAT ONLY LOVES!!!" Yeah, I'm sure that there is some other reason why he has that massive jaw and razor sharp teeth. Tucker decided it was HIS turn to be the voice of reason. "He's got to have a name. Why don't we just ask him?" Except that his logic was flawed…big time. "Hey alien dude, what's your name?" Then he started talking slowly again, "Naaame. I am Tucker. This is Church." Then he point to Tex and said, "That's Bitch-Pants McCrabby!"

BOOM!!!!!

Tucker: OW WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

Tex: Do you realize how long I was waiting for that?

"Hey!" Was Tex's only reaction. Tucker quickly got nervous, "Well, that's what we call you." Caboose added, "NOT ME! I call you MRS. McCrabby."

Tex muttered her thanks under her breath. So I ask, completely forgetting my own sentence from earlier, "What is your name?"

HONK HONK

"Your name?"

HONK HONK

"NAAAAAAAAAMMMMUH!!!!"

"Just keep repeating it, Church. I'm sure he'll come up with the right definition on his own." Shut up Tucker.

"He is Tucker…TUCK-ER" More like Fucker, but, "You are…"

HONK HONK

"No no. No. Not "honk honk." Name."

The alien started to sound….exasperated? I don't know but then he once again, said

HONK HONK!!!!!!!!!!!

At that point, I decided…fuck this, "I give up. All this guy says is honk honk." Then Tex pointed out, "Well have you ever considered the fact that his name is Honk Honk?"

BLARGH?

Tucker and I again had a brilliant moment of having the same thoughts, "Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?"

"Hyeah, I mean seriously, what kind of name is Honk Honk?"

BLARGH?

So I ask, to humor myself, "Hey, big alien. Is your name 'Honk Honk."

Blargh

Waitwaitwait just a second. It sounds like he's saying it is. "Hey wait a second, I think blarg means yes. Alien, does blarg mean yes?"

Blargh.

Alright, if that's not a affirmative, I don't know what is. "Holy shit! Blarg means yes, he just said yes blarg means yes. I speak alien!" And then leave it to Tex to ruin the mood, "Yeah, unless blarg means no. In which case, he just said no, blarg does not mean yes." Too bad, Tex. I'm right, and this guy'll confirm it.

"What, no way. Hey alien, am I right?"

Blargh

"Haha, see? The fuck do you know."

One hour later… (This is the fun part)

"Church! Chuu-urch, hey Church!" Tucker was screaming into the base when I told him, "I'm right behind you, dumbass." Really smooth, Tucker.

"Oh. Hey Church, do you have a knife?" he asked me. Whoa whoa whoa. You're asking me for something sharp and pointy? Don't you remember how the team works? "No. That's a weapon dude. Ask Tex."

"She said she had something to take care of. Girl stuff I think." Yeah, I seriously doubt Tex does a lot of 'girl stuff,' aside from…well what ALL girls do at certain intervals.

Tex: I'm not gonna hit you if you say it you know.

Really?

Tex: Really. I do it. The girls who read this, if any, do it. Just be glad I didn't catching you write it DURING my period…otherwise we wouldn't be talking. (leaves)

……..Ok. Anyway, yeah, that's about one of the only 'girl things' she does. But I wanted to see if it wasn't that, just in case, so I asked, "Huh? Like what?"

"I don't know, I stopped asking questions at 'girl stuff'." Thanks Tucker…note to self, avoid Tex until lack of menstruation is confirmed. Back to the matter at hand, why you need a knife. "What're you two guys doin'?"

"We're gonna teach the Alien how to speak English."

….I doubt that.

"How're you gonna do that?" I mean, it's not that easy to teach someone English. Look at the Mexicans working at McDonalds (no offense). Never get my orders right.

"People learn English all the time, it aren't that hard." And apparently you can't speak it either. "Maybe you should try learning his language."

Tucker didn't like that idea, "Fuck that, we got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those're the rules, dude. Earth colony, Earth language." Ok, first off. We're an army…we invade, not colonize…and more importantly, "Tucker there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth."

"Hyeah, but only one that kicks ass. And that's the one we're teaching. English 101, remedial kick-ass." This has the words 'BAD IDEA' written all over it.

"Alright, there is no way this is gonna work."

Tucker seemed to disagree, "Yeah it is, we got visual aids and everything." Wait…cue cards, visual aids? What the fuck? "Where the hell'd you get those?"

"We made 'em. Turns out Caboose's gun didn't have any bullets- it was loaded with crayons." Yeah that's surprising "I just need to cut one of these things, you have a pocket knife?"

Wait…you have something sharp you idiot, "Hey if you need to cut something, why don't you just use that big sword o' yours?" Idiot.

"Oh right. Duh." He turned on his sword and suddenly the alien looked over.

Blargh?

And then went crazy.

BLLLLLLLLLLLARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

It attacked Tucker in an instant, "OW WHAT THE FUCK!!!"

"Mahan, Tucker, that thing either really hates that sword, or really hates you." This was probably the greatest thing I've ever seen. Tucker screamed in pain and fear, "Aaaaaaaah, get this fucking thing off me!"

I was so enjoying this and I wasn't about to stop, "Heh wait a second Tucker, this might be a good chance for us to evaluate how these things fight. Now hold still. For science."

"NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!!!!!"

A/N: I felt I needed something to make up for the supreme amount of suck the last chapter had. Oh and by the way…..

THE GIANTS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!

GET READY FOR 18-1 BELL BELLIDOUCHE!!!!!!!!!

R R

I'M OUT!!!!!!