Red vs. Blue: The Church Files
Based on Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Disclaimer: Ok I own Halo: Combat Evolved for the PC and Xbox, Halo 2 for Xbox, the Halo 2 Multiplayer map pack, the Halo 3 Beta, and Halo 3 (regular). But as far as the rest of the stuff in this:

Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles and all affiliated names are products of Roosterteeth Productions © 2003-2008.
Halo, Bungie, and all affiliated names are the properties of the Microsoft Corporation © 1985-2001. --outdated…..

All references to WWE stuff is owned by Vince McMahon.

A/N: Hey this is Austin316v1 and even though it's been well over 2 months, before we get to the newest chapter of The Church Files, I would like to get this out of the way:

GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN!

Chapter 17:

Giants Win

Eventually Tex called us over to tell us her newest plan…using Andy as a translator, "You have got to be kidding me. There is NO WAY I'm gonna let this happen." And I wasn't too keen on the idea.

"I told you. He can do it." Tex assured me.

"Yeah. I'm qualified." Qualified, in what? Masters in being a total douche-hole.

"Listen I don't doubt that he can do it…I doubt that I WANT him to do it," I don't think the WORLD wants you to do it.

"Why?" Do you really want me to answer that question, Andy? Because it's pretty obvious.

"Well, you know Andy. You're not exactly the most diplomatic of individuals." I mean, how many times did you curse in the last HOUR.

"That's BULLSHIT! You're only saying that cause you're a rascist."

WHOA WHOA WHOA!! BACK THE FUCK UP! How the fuck can I be rascist…TO A MACHINE!! "RASCIST?! BOMBS ARE NOT A RACE!"

"Ah, shut up you dirty shisno." Now who's being the rascist, Andy. But onto a different subject: WHY ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN?! So I ask Tex, "We finally make contact with an alien being…and our first attempt at communication is gonna be through A BOMB?! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES A PROBLEM WITH THIS?!"

"Well unless you got your English to Blargh Blargh Dictionary, I don't think you have much of a choice." You know, that was actually a good point. "I had one of those….but I threw 

it out. It didn't have many pictures." Response number 1 to Foot-in-Mouth: Dear God, Caboose. So Tex reassures us, "I'm sure this'll be fine." And so I think about it…you know, this could actually be kind of funny.

"You know I feel like I'm gonna regret this….but I feel even more that I just don't care and watching this whole thing unravel might be kind of interesting. Go for it." I mean how bad could it get.

Tex was pretty excited that I gave my approval, there was just one problem, "All right…where's the alien?" And that's when I remembered that he was with…..ooooooooh.

"Oh shit I forgot."

Elswhere:

"OW OW OW…."

--

Later:

So we finally got the alien off of Tucker…and quite surprisingly he wasn't injured that badly…minus the severe concussion, "Oooooh man….I'm gonna die…." Andy was getting his input from the alien while Caboose…. "What's he saying now Andy?" was pissing him off.

"Look guys, if you want me to translate for you, you can't keep asking me…EVERY FOUR SECONDS… "WHAT'S HE SAYING NOW ANDY?! WHAT'S HE SAYING NOW?!" I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT HE'S SAYING THAT'S MY FRICKING JOB!!" And of course, Caboose thought that THAT was the translation.

"That's what he said? Kinda a weird thing to say. Uh…tell him, I said…ok. I will not ask anymore of…that…and also…no." Wait….what?

"I think I need a translator just for Caboose." Seriously, Andy do you speak HIS language?

So the Alien let of a growl and Andy said, "Ok, basically he uh…he says he's pissed off." NO, REALLY?! I think I could deduce that by the threatening hand gestures and the weapon. "Yeah, no kidding. Tex, are we PAYING for this service?"

Yet she continued to reassure me, "Just give him a chance."

So then Andy got serious, "He says that he came here to claim some type of thing…and that the teal one took the thing…and now the thing is gone."

Tucker just had to ask, "Who's the teal one?"

"You are idiot." Thank you Tex.

"NO WAY! I'm aqua. Teal's out."

Meanwhile, I figured out the rest of the translation, "That thing he's talking about must be that sword and it's not broken; IT'S RIGHT THERE!!"

BLARGH BLARGH!

"He says it only works for the hero that passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from its resting place. For everyone else, it may as well be broken." And that's when the realization hit, at least for some of us.

"Uh oh," was Tex's reaction.



Tucker's…. "Trial please I fell through a hole that's not a trial…I'm starting to like this culture though. Any dude that trips is a hero…I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose 'God.'" Ok, that image is never gonna leave me mind. But now that I think about it….

"This all sounds like bullshit to me." However Tex had to back up the alien's story, "No he's right, it didn't work for me, remember?"

Then, in an amazing incident, I was the one who had foot in mouth. "Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. I mean you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us."

Tex didn't appreciate that and told me, "Alright then you little smart ass, YOU pick it up and try it." Uhhhhh………I looked at the sword….then at the alien…..who was…um, chuckling I'll say, "HEHEHE" and I realize: Church + Holding sword pain. "Nah, I'll…take his word for it."

So the alien grunted something out and Andy told Tucker, "And now you've got to go with him and fulfill the prophecy."

Tucker's response: "Fuck you!"

Well the alien didn't seem too pleased. "BLARGHBLARGHBLARGH HONK HONK!" Which I translate as, "As if I want you to come, you stinking meat bag." Whatever it actually was though, Andy was highly amused by it. "Heheheh yeah good one. Yeah, um, he's not too happy about this either."

Tucker then gave one of his worst excuses ever, "See I knew this was a bad idea. Sorry to fuck up your quest dude, but I'm not going." Which prompted Andy to reveal a little stipulation.

"And if you don't go, he'll destroy the base, and kill everybody here."

…………..……

"Alright, good luck guys," I said in the sudden panic for my life.

"Hey, a quest sounds fun, come on Tucker," Tex added.

And then Andy said, "Yeah, I think you should stay here cause I like that killing everybody option."

--

GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN! GIANTS WIN!

18-1!! BILL BELLIDOUCHEBAG, I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA!! (SUCK IT!!)

Now we shift our gears to the baseball word. Seriously what kind of 7th inning stretch song is "Sweet Caroline" anyway. Also, the Mets are setting up to be RickRolled.

Sorry for the shortness (again) but it's been getting harder for me to think up of monologue for these things. I'll probably be sticking with 1-2 episodes per chapter, minus ones that only have very short Church segments.

R+R