Heaven
The last one!
Cried so much at the last episode, so I had to make this a good one to end on. And I must say, I'm proud of this one. I know it might not be up everyone's street, but I like it.
Unfortunately, it is another Tosh one, which seems a little out of balance, but I couldn't help it. It's set after the episode in…ell, I don't really know where it is set. I don't think anyone really does. But I hope you like it!
UI must say thank you for very single person who has read/reviewed/enjoyed this series. I've loved writing them and feel it has really helped my writing skills. It's my first fic to get over 50 reviews!
So adios, till next series and my new collection!
I do not own Doctor Who, Torchwood etc. If I did, it would probably be the Jack and Ianto show so just as well!
.X.
Heaven
My name was Toshiko Sato. Now I'm…well, I'm nothing apart from a ghost of the past which will hopefully haut the memories of the living, at least for a while.
I'm not sure how long it has been. It changes every so often. Sometimes the darkness fades away and I can almost taste, smell, feel what it was like to be alive again. And then sometimes I can't.
I'm not really an I anymore. I'm sort of…disembodies. I'm a thought, a memory, trapped here. I spend most of my time floating around, not knowing, not feeling. I suppose that is something I should be grateful for, the not feeling part. Only, it isn't really not feeling. It's not being alive, but as I said, I'm a memory or though, which means everything I felt when I was alive, I can feel now. Only I'm not feeling them because I am alive, I'm only trying to grasp at the edges of what I might have called a dream once, when I was alive
This place is barren, I don't ever meet anyone. At first I though I might see Jack, maybe when he'd died again and just before he went back to the world of the living, but he hasn't appeared yet and I don't really think he will. Though saying that, I don't know how long I've been here, maybe it's only been a couple of seconds, but somehow it feels longer.
Sometimes I stumbled across memories I'd long since forgotten. And then I can sit and watch for a while. Once I tried to reach out and fall into the memory, to try and remember what it was really like to live, not just to watch your own personal home video collection but it didn't work. The memory just faded away. A shooting star.
Some days (only there aren't really days here), I feel myself fading away and I can't remember who I was anymore. I forget and I can't make connections. Sometimes when that happens, I panic and quickly grab onto the parts of my former life I can still remember. I don't want to lose my memories forever, even it that is all I'll be living with for the rest of my life or wherever I am. Other times, I feel at peace and let the feeling of sleep and not knowing wash gently over me, taking me to somewhere better. Only I never quite get there before I am dragged back by some little catch phrase or symbol and I'm still in the land of darkness, still haunted by my own memories.
But by far the best days are the ones where the shapeless clouds open and I can peer down into what I believe to be planet earth. I can see the world moving on and my conscious always zooms in on Torchwood Cardiff, my home. I'm not sure if what I'm watching are my memories take on what I'd of liked to have happened after my death or if it is the real world. I'd like to believe it is the real world and that I am not just stuck forever in a part of my mind. I'd like to believe that I do still have a connection to the outside world, be it on earth or in here.
Every once in a while, I feel like something is trying to get through. Sometimes I think, maybe I'm not dead, maybe this is just a coma, my conscious playing trick on me. Maybe Jack is stood over me, trying to wake me up. But mostly I believe that maybe its Owen or what use to be Owen's memory. But however hard I try, he can't break through into my personal heaven and I into his.
I'd like to say I have some deep meaningful statement on my life to make now. That I have reflected and come up with the answer to why I was on earth. But I can't. I didn't have the answer when I was alive and I can't make one up now. I am a memory, a scrap of what is left of a human live. I can only live in the memories now.
But if there was one thing I learnt on earth, if there was one thing Torchwood taught me, it was to grab what I can with both hands because I won't be here forever. No one ever will. Not even Jack.
And that is what I pass on. I pass on my missed opportunities because I was too scared to take them. I pass on days wasted and days not. I pass on, not the gift of life but the more precious gift of seizing life.
So that is what I leave you with. My life summed up in two words.
Carpe Diem, Seize the day.
Thank you all so much
Jyra
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