Author's Note:
Justin: This story was previously entitled Grey Moon, and is rated M for some heavy language.
Tequila: Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun!!
Justin: Um… right… anyway…
Tequila: DUN DUN!!
Justin: Just, review please.
Tequila: Dun dun dun…. DUN!!
Disclaimer: If we were Stephanie Meyer, we'd be on the set for the Twilight Movie, talking with Jackson Rathbone… Kellan Lutz… Peter Facinelli… Cam Gigandet… Robert Pattinson….sorry, what were we saying?
Same As It Never Was:
Three weeks. Two days. Sixteen hours. Thirteen minutes. Twenty-one seconds.
That's how long I've been imprisoned.
That's how long I've been a monster.
That's how long… I've been evil.
But who's counting, right?
Yeah, that sounded pathetic even to me.
I stared at the ceiling of my room, lying on my bed. Music played in the background, turning into senseless noise that remained without any common meaning. I felt… nothing. I was numb. Except for the fire. The burning, aching, fire. That was always there. The only reason I left my room was to feed, and yet it still persisted. It never left. It did ease off a bit, but it would always be there, reminding me of what I had become- as if the rest wasn't enough. As is I could ever forget.
Now that I had… changed, I could hear every heartbeat within this house. Every heartbeat except for my frozen one. The feeling made me sick, the thirst practically making go wild when the slow, steady pumping made itself heard. It was worse when Sam came around, and Emily's heart sped up like a sky rocket, or when I knew she was sleeping. I wanted it so badly, and I wanted it so badly to stop. I hadn't felt the burning ache for any of my pack-brothers, for which I was still thanking God for- but having it for my human family was agonizing. Knowing that I wanted them dead, just so I could escape a couple seconds of the burning, was the most awful, selfish, greedy feeling that I had ever experienced. But I couldn't help it, it was just who I had become.
And I hated it.
I hated myself, I hated the thirst, I hated the fire… I even hated my family. I hated them for driving me mad with bloodlust. Why couldn't they all stop tempting me, torturing me, with their precious flowing blood? Why couldn't their hearts all stop beating, too?
That made me hate myself even more.
I turned everyone away, I turned my own feelings away. I became an empty void. I faded in and out of day dreams, as I could never actually dream again. The nightmare was never-ending; I couldn't even escape into sleep to shut out the yearning for my family's blood. For every innocent person's blood. I refused to succumb to the urge- I went hunting often. When I did phase, I ignored everyone and every thought that intruded into my head. I didn't want to hear everyone that I had to leave behind.
For the most part they gave me space. The Awkward Squad quickly learned to stop coming, and after an initial period of time even the older pack members stopped trying. Only Josh kept insisting on intruding. He tried to come in every single day. Every single day there would be a knock on my door, every single day he would ask to come in, and every single day I would refuse to answer. "I'll come back tomorrow," he'd say, his voice sounding softly through the closed door, and every single day he'd hold true to his word. He just didn't know when to fucking quit. But then again- he never had.
I curled up on my side, trying to block out memories of my brothers and friends. It only added to the pain. Thinking of them only added to the pain….
A heartbeat. It wasn't Emily's, but the scent was similar. It was probably Sam, checking up on her. He didn't say as much, but I knew that he was scared. Scared to leave her alone with me. Scared to leave her with a monster. To tell the truth, I didn't blame him. I was scared as well.
The door slammed, and I heard a series of footsteps running up the stairs. I stiffened. The sound was coming closer, and getting faster, the break between footsteps becoming more frequent. Did something happen? Was the pack ok? Was Emily hurt? What was going-
SLAM! With a sound that practically made my ears bleed, the door to my room wrenched off its hinges- and there, in the hallway, stood a person that I had never expected to see.
Eyes blazing bloody murder, Leah Clearwater threw the door down the stairs, stomped to my bed, closed her fist around my arm, and threw me down on the floor. Standing boldly in front of me, she placed her hands on her hips and glared down at me.
I lay on the floor, rolling over to stare at the ceiling once more. I sighed. It wasn't as comfortable as the bed. Picking myself up, I crawled back to the bed, turning so I was curled up on my side and facing away from Leah.
"Go away." I said; my voice flat and emotionless. I stared at my hands on the bed- they were left slack and lifeless.
Leah- dare I say it?- stamped her foot. I didn't fight her as she came over once more and grabbed my shoulder. Picking me up, she thrust me into the wall, hard enough to leave a depression in the plaster. As if that weren't enough, she dragged me up by the collar of my shirt and slapped me across the face. Hard.
"No." She spat. "No. Now you are gonna listen to me! Day in and day out, you stay in this miserable rat's nest you call a room. Every single fucking day Kataya, I have to deal with your friends waiting for you to go see them. Every single day, Emily has to make excuses for you so your parents won't wonder why you're not coming home. I am working five nights a week for the pack as well as actually working so my own family has a home- all because your friends are too worried to actually be of use! Yeah, you think your all alone in your thick skull- don't try denying it, I've been hearing your thoughts. All of them. All you do is whine, whine, whine! Oh woe is me, I'm a monster! I hate myself! I listen to bad music rock songs and cut myself at night! The misery is too much to bear! No one understands me! I can't be near anyone! I'm not human! Blah, blah, blah!"
I blinked. Had she stopped yet?
She took a deep breath. Of course not.
But she didn't say anything. She stared at me.
"Oh. My. God. I am so tired of this music!" Taking my stereo from its rightful place on my bedside table, Leah grabbed the wire and slammed it into the wall- breaking it into pieces. As if this wasn't enough, she took the pieces and threw them out the window, shattering the glass in the process.
A prickle of anger pierced my heart. There had been a good mixed CD in there.
"For Christ's sake, Kataya! Will you ever react? You just stay there! Like a fricking dumb-ass lump on a log. You stare but see nothing! Can't you see you moron: none of us are human! None of us! Yet you sit here, and disrupt the WHOLE pack, only thinking about your god damned self, because you can't fucking accept it. So what if you're a vampire Kataya?? I seriously don't give a shit! It's only now that this has actually started disrupting my life that I'm coming over here to tell you to find whatever common sense you have left in that miserable excuse you call a brainand start using it! And oh my god Kataya will you react already?! Because congratulations! You've managed to make me so pissed off that I've come to beat some sense back into you personally! So do something! Show some sign of life! God-freaking-damnit!"
I was silent. The seconds dragged on by. She seemed to be expecting me to say something.
"Will you go away now?"
Her eyes practically bugged out of her head, and she took several deep breathes to calm herself down. When she spoke she sounded oddly composed.
"Ok, you know what? I'll take that for now." She sighed and looked at the broken window and door. "There's a party at my place on Saturday. Pack only. I want you to be there."
I blinked, what had happened to her kickass, pissed off attitude? Why was she so reasonable? What had happened to her? Was this the Leah everyone had come to know and fear (and distantly admire)?
I stared back at her, waiting for her to leave. "Are you going now?"
Leah rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I'm going. And you can forget charging me for the door and the window, and the stereo, because I'm not paying!" She marched her way to the non-existent door.
"Oh!" She said, turning back. "And wash your hair before you come, you look like shit."
And with that, she left.
I made my way to my bed like before. I was tired, so tired, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. Instead, I cried. Or I tried to, but instead a thin wail escaped from my lips. I couldn't even cry properly anymore…
There was a knock on my…wall. I turned around, trying to keep my lower lip from trembling. Josh was leaning against the doorway, all the sympathy and guilt in the world radiating from his eyes and his stance.
"You can't shut me away now." He said, "But I'll still leave if you want me too."
My lip was trembling violently- I was trying so hard to keep from screaming my misery out loud. I knew my forehead was wrinkled hideously, and my hair looked horrible, and I smelled. I hadn't showered or brushed my teeth in days, or even changed my clothes. I had just stayed on my bed- motionless- until I needed to hunt. Then, the pattern would repeat.
I had become a shell. A walking, breathing shell. I wasn't human.
But then again, I never had been…
Right?
I got up and I ran. I ran to him- my best friend, my comrade, my brother. I ran right into him. He stood firm, wrapping his arms around me and waiting patiently for my dry sobs to end. It took awhile, but eventually I got myself under control.
I drew away.
He simply nodded, turned around, and walked away. "I'll come back tomorrow." He yelled back over his shoulder.
I blinked. I would need to get a new door