Yet Another Snape Meets the Dursleys Story: by rabbit
Disclaimer: Still not mine. Still belongs to JKRowling. Still.
Chapter 28 : The Pizza
Summary: Pizza, and yet more unexpected visitors.
New AN: The trouble with posting something in a big fat hurry is that you make mistakes. As in leaving out paragraphs. Important paragraphs. Paragraphs which you thought you'd got into the last revision and hadn't. And then you don't reread for months because your brain is somewhere else and when you do you feel like an idiot. Which is why I'm breaking this chapter into two parts (most of the corrections are in the second half) and adding a lagniappe for all the folks who wanted to know what Snape is.
Old AN: Yes, yes, I know. I am a bad bunny. But at long last here it is in all its glory.
Nearly 3000 hits in the past week... Don't you peoples have something better to read?
Dudley only got there just in time.
"Will you sign my hat?" The pizza delivery boy produced a grubby red object with a faded drawing of a yellow pizza on it from the depths of a back pocket and held it out hopefully. "Please, Mr. Gaiman?"
"No." Snape said firmly, starting to close the door.
"Wait!" yelped Dudley. "Wait! Don't close the door! He's got the food! Food!" Dudley danced behind Snape, waving the money anxiously to keep the pizza from disappearing as he tried to figure out how to get round the scary wizard. Snape swung his glare from the pizza boy to Dudley, who made haste to explain under that penetrating black scrutiny. "I ordered pizza." Snape almost seemed to understand, so Dudley reached awkwardly past him and held out the crumpled notes. "You've got it haven't you?" he asked the boy.
"Yeah, sure" the new arrival said, pulling a stack of cardboard boxes out of the red case. "Let's see, I've got sausage, mushroom and garlic, pepperoni and garlic, vegetables special with extra garlic, and a plain garlic with extra cheese."
At least Snape had stopped looking at Dudley. It was creepy, the way he focussed so suddenly and intently on the pizza boxes, like Harry's owl spying a mouse. Much to Dudley's dismay Snape snatched the entire stack of pizzas and slammed shut the door, then turned and vanished towards the kitchen. Dudley glanced after him with longing, but he could already hear the pizza boy tapping tentatively at the door.
He opened it and proffered the cash again. "Sorry about that."
"S'okay. Geniuses, y'know. How did you get Neil Gaiman to come to your house anyway?" asked the lanky teen as he took the money.
"Who? No, that's... that's my cousin's... er... uh... uncle. He's just. They're adjusting his medications," Dudley said hastily. It was a new excuse they'd been using about Harry this summer, and it wasn't very good when you came to think about it, but it worked long enough to slam shut the door on the boy's sympathetic nod.
He heard a muffled shout of "Hey, thanks for the tip!" and shuddered. He wasn't sure he could explain about the gratuity. Daddy always said that these people weren't worth what they were paid never mind a gratuity. But at least it meant that the pizza boy would go away. Pizza. I'd best go see about the pizza. He turned to find Harry leaning against the doorway into the living room, still blinking sleep from his eyes.
"You ordered pizza?" Harry asked, one eyebrow high.
Dudley flushed. "It's the only way I know how to make dinner," he mumbled. But when he looked again, Harry was grinning.
"Don't think the garlic's going to do any good," he said. "It doesn't really work on vampires, and besides, Snape's got a reflection. But it was a good try."
Dudley shrugged, but he couldn't help grinning back a little now that Harry wasn't furious with him any more. "Yeah, well," he said. "I figured we could pick it off of ours."
"I suppose." Harry yawned and ran a hand over his face. He still looked tired, and he was favoring one leg like it hurt him, Dudley noticed, but at least he didn't look as pale as he had before. "Although I'm so hungry I'm not sure I care."
"Me too. But I think Professor Snape is hungrier," Dudley pointed out uneasily. "Come on, we'd best get in there before he eats it all."
They got to the kitchen just in time to see Snape waving his wand and muttering Latin at a steaming pizza on the table. The steam vanished, and Snape pried up a slice. It was so cold the cheese strings snapped off.
"Now it's gone all manky!" Dudley moaned, realizing that Snape had magicked his pizza. "You've ruined it!" He realized what he'd just said and slapped his hands over his mouth, but Snape was too busy eating to have noticed. One of the pizza boxes was already empty.
"This one's all right," Harry said, opening the box with the pepperoni and extracting a lovely gooey slice.
"I'm only allowed the vegetable kind," Dudley grumbled. "And only two slices of that."
"Heat it up then," Harry said, around a mouthful of hot cheese. "Use the microwave."
"It never tastes the same reheated," Dudley said, wishing he'd not ordered the extra cheese on the plainest pizza. He reached for a slice of the vegetable. Snape shifted abruptly to guard it, and the lizard part of Dudley's brain informed him that anything that moved that fast was a predator. He froze, his fingers just touching the crust, and swallowed hard as he stared into the glittering black eyes. He's even hungrier now than he was last night. "I ... I just wanted a couple of pieces," Dudley said carefully. "You can have the rest."
"There's more meat on this one, Professor," Harry offered, wafting steam from the pepperoni pizza in Snape's direction. "Go on, let Dudley have his dinner."
Snape considered for a long moment, still chewing, but he nodded at last, and Dudley took his share out of the box and went to fetch a microwave safe plate, trying not to let Snape see how nervous he was. But except for a searching gaze at the microwave when it beeped, the black-garbed teacher was far too busy eating to pay much attention to Dudley. He'd gone through another half a pizza before Dudley's slices were even ready to eat.
Dudley sat down at the table and reached for the dried red pepper flakes. Carefully. Snape's eyes followed the movement and widened slightly as if he were just realizing that the bottles and cans and boxes on the table were also food, but he kept on working his way through the pizzas.
I should have ordered more, Dudley realized. If I'd just had the money I would have. But ... I suppose I could use Daddy's emergencies credit card. If this isn't an emergency what is? There won't be any left for anyone else at the rate he's going.
The thought of his father reminded him. "Er... Uhm. Harry? What sort of pizza topping can frogs and mice eat?"
"Frogs and mice?" Harry asked.
"You know... Mum and Dad."
Snape snorted. "The question is moot."
"Moot?" Dudley was almost sure that the word meant that the question didn't matter anymore and he got up hastily to check and make sure that the cage was all right and the two creatures inside it moving and breathing. They blinked up at him reassuringly. He sighed with relief. Snape must have meant the question didn't matter for a different reason.
"Do frogs and mice not like pizza, then?" he guessed.
Snape gave him a withering glance over the last box of pizza. "Have you no bestiary, boy?"
"Bestiary?" Dudley hated the stupid way he sounded when he repeated words like that, he realized of a sudden, especially since he remembered a moment later what Snape was asking. "That's a book of animals, isn't it? I think..." He had an encyclopedia set, anyway, although he wasn't sure if it was in the attic or the garden shed.
"Consult it," Snape advised drily.
"Uncle Vernon's a toad, and Aunt Petunia's a shrew," Harry said, leaning his head on one hand and eyeing the unfinished slice in his hand unhappily. He'd only managed two and a half pieces, which was surprising, considering how long it had been since lunch. "And they'd probably both like meat or cheese. Maybe some bits of crust, too. And Aunt Petunia would probably like some of the vegetables."
Dudley sat down again and made a little pile of the eggplant and mushroom bits that had fallen of his slices onto the plate and rolled some of the cheese from the box into small balls. "I wish you'd just change them back. Not that there'd be enough pizza for them if you did." Snape had ruined the last pizza already, and was eating a frost-rimed slice with one hand while he picked up bottles from the table and read labels with the other.
"Sorry," Harry said, adding a slice of pepperoni to Dudley's pile. "I'm not even sure how I managed to turn Uncle Vernon into a toad in the first place. That's seventh year magic."
"When you employ another wizard's wand," Snape intoned severely. "You should expect unusual results."
Harry rolled his eyes. "Yes, Professor Snape," he said impatiently. He turned back to Dudley. "Look, get them out of there and..."
"The Muggles stay where they are." Snape decreed.
Harry snapped at his teacher. "That spell is probably going to wear off sooner rather than later. We can't leave them in the cage."
Snape curled his upper lip, and glared at Harry like he was a particularly disgusting bit of slime. Dudley sank a little lower in his seat. Maybe feeding him wasn't a very good idea after all. He's still cranky. And I think he thinks he's only had the appetizers.
"Are you questioning my judgment, Mr. Potter?"
Harry glared right back. "Yes!" he said. "And you would be too, if you weren't so busy stuffing your face. If Uncle Vernon turns back into himself he'll probably squash Aunt Petunia flat. We should lock them in the cupboard under the stairs. They'll just fit."
"And if they try to escape, they'll transform in the walls," Snape said. "At least when they are here, under my eye..."
"Couldn't you just put them in two separate cages?" Dudley heard himself saying through a distant fog. Harry glowered at Dudley. He didn't much appreciate being interrupted, and neither, by the look of it, did Snape, but Dudley kept talking anyway. "I mean, I'd rather you let them out and turned them back to themselves, but at least if they were locked up separately no one would get squashed."
"Five points, Mr. Dursley," Snape said and waved his wand almost casually at the counter. In a flash, two cages stood where one had been before, each with a pair of small eyes peering out of a heap of shavings that trembled noticeably, although Dudley was relieved to see that both of his parents weren't any worse off than they had been. The potions professor glanced at the result of his spell and nodded approval before reaching for the nearest jar. He opened it up and began rooting out olives.
Harry cocked his head a little, his anger fading as he studied his cousin. "That was almost clever, Dudley. Who woke you up?"
Dudley swallowed, "I just didn't want them to get hurt. Your owl would probably eat them if they were running around loose."
"Hedwig wouldn't do that," Harry protested, raising his arm to summon her. She flew to him and nipped at his fingers affectionately, before accepting some pepperoni. "Probably not anyway."
"It'd give her horrible indigestion if she did," Dudley said, trying to bite back a grin at a sudden mental image. "Imagine what would happen if one of them changed back halfway down. You know... Munch munch munch boompf." He puffed out his cheeks and crossed his eyes goofily, like a cartoon character with a mistaken mouthful.
Harry could imagine it, that was clear by the sparkle that appeared in his green eyes. And the notion got all the funnier suddenly because Hedwig made a funny coughing noise just then and hurked up a pellet.
"Oh, I can do better than that," Dudley told the owl -- and burped rudely. Harry ducked his head and snickered.
"I bet you didn't know owls could burp!" He mimicked Hedwig's noise and she gave him a disdainful look before launching herself for one of the dining room chairs. But that only made him laugh. Dudley laughed too, managing to burp once more before the chuckles started taking over.
Harry burped back -- a wonderful soggy burp -- but then he was chuckling too. It was ridiculous, laughing like this, when Snape was sitting there glaring at them, and his parents were sitting in cages on the kitchen counter, but it was marvelous too -- who would have guessed that Harry had it in him to be goofy? For a moment Dudley saw the same surprise on Harry's face as he felt himself. But the joke was too good for introspection. They both fell into giggles, leaning on the table for support and bursting out again every time they looked up and met each others' eyes.
Snape glared at the pair of sniggering boys and restrained the urge to knock their heads together. Teenagers! Feed them and they go completely to pieces. Potter might have an excuse -- by the flush of color in his cheeks he was probably mildly feverish -- but the Muggle brat had no cause for such ridiculous glee.
At least the Aurors hadn't turned up yet.
The pizzas hadn't done more than take the bare edge off his own hunger.
Best to ignore the boys' foolery. He chose another bottle from the table and squinted at the clumsy lettering on its label, which looked as if a six-year-old had made efforts with a blunt quill. It seemed to hold concentrated blackcurrant juice and the images on the label agreed with this. Not my favorite. But he was thirsty, and so he fumbled with the seal – took a sip, decided it was tolerable, and swigged some down gratefully. It was a bit strong, though -- he looked for something which might ameliorate the taste. There was still liquid in the olive jar...
"Accio spoon." The more food I eat now, the longer it will be before I have to consume gruel at Azkaban. Although he was no longer quite certain that someone hadn't managed to deflect the Ministry's attention from this house. That was either good, if it meant that Snape would be able to avoid answering questions or bad, if it meant that the others were depending on him to do any magic that needed doing. The way his hands were still trembling he'd have difficulty controlling anything more than minor spells.
He disliked the blackcurrant/olive mixture but the coffee's gone, the boy said so and so he continued gulping doggedly, as he went through more of the foods in front of him. He decided after he'd eaten a bit more that the things stored in what do they call it? plastictook on the taste of their containers. Muggles must like it. He found it revolting, not at all an improvement such as oak imparted to spirits; still it was food and here and he was feeling better now and so he continued eating. Have to have my wits about me, the wretched children are in my care –
He was eating a spoonful of something labelled Marmite when he heard the Dursley boy whisper, "Euwww..."
"That's nothing," Potter replied cheerfully. "You should see what we put into some of our potions."
"What kind of things?" Dursley asked.
"Well, stewed slugs, for one thing."
"Do you have any?" Snape asked fiercely. I refuse to drool.
Harry tried to pretend that he hadn't jumped. "Um.. I think so. I mean yes. Yes, Professor. I've got a jar that never was opened. But it's up in my school trunk and Dudley said it was going to blow up or something. The trunk I mean."
"Or something," Snape agreed drily, drawing his wand. "Accio school trunk!"
Dudley dodged as the kitchen door opened and Harry's school trunk appeared floating determinedly towards Snape, who directed it to the table as the door closed again of its own accord. Dudley didn't think that the table was the best place for anything to be if it were going to explode, but Snape didn't seem to think of that. He cast another spell at the trunk and colored light danced over the joins and sides before sinking slowly inside. Snape walked around it, swigging ketchup from the bottle as he studied the patterns. "Your uncle," he told Harry, "took this trunk out of the house – out of range of the protective spell. Were I trying to curry the Dark Lord's favor by harming you, that foolishness would present a perfect opportunity."
"What protective spell?" Dudley asked, looking around as if he could see evidence of it on the walls.
"The spell which prevents unfriendly witches or wizards from entering these premises without an invitation," Snape said, narrowing his eyes at a particular swirl of light that lingered over the hasp. Almost absently, he reached back to the table for the jar of capers.
"Is that how it works?" Harry said thoughtfully.
"What, do you mean if I hadn't asked them in, those kids with the masks couldn't have come in?" Dudley asked, almost at the same time.
Harry stared at him as if he'd broken out in lemon-yellow spots. "Are you sure you're all right?" he asked. "Sn... Professor Snape didn't cast a spell on you or anything, did he?"
Dudley shrugged, feeling the blood rising to his ears. He did feel more awake than usual, it was true, but he didn't see any way for Harry to be able to know that. "I got hit by something in the greenhouse that made me dizzy, but only for a minute, and that was ages ago. I'm fine now. And I still want to know about the protections. I mean, Daddy didn't ask you to come in," he looked to Professor Snape. "Did he?
"He gestured me up the stairs," Snape said. "And as I had a letter from Potter asking for assistance, that was sufficient permission. A specific invitation is not required." He smiled thinly at the trunk. "I think it may be untouched in spite of that idiot," he said, and pointed his wand. "Alohamora!"
The bicycle locks writhed and clicked through the combinations, falling away as the hasp popped open. Snape lifted the lid carefully, and when nothing happened, let it fall back with a thump.
Dudley craned his neck, trying to see what kinds of things Harry had in there. Clothes and books, mostly, just like a real person. Snape tipped the capers down his throat, took another drink of the purple stuff in the olive jar, and then cast his spell again. This time several objects lit up, mostly in oranges and reds. "What's that mean?" Dudley asked, stepping back.
"Enchantments," Snape said curtly. He didn't seem displeased, though. He'd probably been expecting them.
"What color would a portkey turn?" Harry asked, and Dudley was surprised by how flat his voice had gone. Whatever a portkey was, Harry didn't like them much.
"The more powerful the spell, the closer the color to purple," Snape said, investigating a yellow-greenish swirl around a book that growled sleepily. The glow vanished the moment he touched it, and Dudley realized that other glows had disappeared at a touch too, revealing the glows of the layer below. Harry certainly had a lot of enchanted things in there. But Snape was still talking. "A portkey powerful enough to take you outside of this house would be at least aquamarine. Not that the power of a spell has anything to do with it being a threat. A mild headache potion applied to someone's hat can keep them miserable for weeks before it wears off."
"Is that why you never wear a hat? I thought it was because your hair's so greasy," Harry asked, blushing as if the words had gotten out before he could censor them.
But Snape didn't seem to hear. He frowned as he moved aside the first layer of oddments and revealed a richly embroidered cloth with a deep violet glow, and then turned a brief glare on Harry. "The invisibility cloak. Very useful, Potter. And here I had hoped it had been confiscated."
"It was my..." Harry hesitated for a moment. "My Christmas present. Professor Dumbledore knows I've got it."
Snape snorted. "He would." He pulled aside the cloth to reveal a cardboard box with a yellowish glow. "Who enchanted this, then?"
"Hermione," Harry said, relaxing again. "To keep the candy inside from melting over the summer."
"Candy?" Snape repeated, suddenly interested. Dudley edged away. He still remembered that toffee from last summer.
Harry levered himself out of his chair and collected his wand from the trunk. As long as he had that, he didn't really care about anything. "You can have some if you're still hungry. Just pass me some of the chocolate." He always felt better when he had chocolate to hand. Just in case.
"I thought you weren't hungry," Dudley said, who was obviously trying to look casual as he went over to lean against the kitchen counter. "I mean, you didn't finish your pizza."
"I'm not," Harry said, taking the bar of chocolate that Snape handed him and tucking it into the pocket of his dressing gown. "It's medicinal."
"What? You mean like a laxative or something?"
"No -- it just makes you feel better sometimes when you really need to." Harry wasn't going to explain about Dementors. Just thinking about them made him feel a chill. He leaned his eyelids against the heels of his hands until he saw a pattern of lights and whorls, wishing that his humors would get into balance pretty soon. He was tired of going from hot to cold and from feeling all right to feeling exhausted. Couldn't Snape just give him something that would fix everything?
"Here." Harry looked up. Dudley had brought him a glass of water and two aspirin. "You look like your head hurts."
"It does." Harry accepted the offering. "Thanks, Dudley." His cousin had the most peculiar expression on his face. He looked like he didn't know whether to be more afraid of Snape, Harry's wand, or the two caged animals on the counter. Still something had changed about Dudley, and Harry would have almost suspected Snape of casting an Imperius spell except that if Dudley had been hit by magic in the greenhouse it would have had to been the spell Harry had cast to disenchant the pipes, and that would have undone the curse. It had let Aunt Petunia free of the bindings, anyway. But what other enchantments could have been on Dudley?
Memory came back to him. Dudley with a pig's tail, victim of Hagrid's half-completed spell on the very first night that Harry had ever known he was a wizard. They'd had to have the tail taken off by surgery, hadn't they? So the spell had never worn off on its own. And combined with all the times that Harry, not knowing about magic, had called him "pig in a wig"... Maybe the diet will work now. He'll still be spoiled rotten, but even doctors don't know a cure for that.
Snape suddenly turned into a very large canary. Dudley jumped nearly four inches, which was further than he'd jumped in two years as far as Harry knew. "Was that supposed to happen?"
Harry sighed. You'd have thought Snape of all people would know better. "He must have bit into a Canary Cream. Don't worry. In a minute or two the spell will wear off." He rubbed at his forehead and wondered if chocolate would help the aspirin work faster.
The canary rooted in the box with its beak and a chocolate frog leaped out. It caught it midair and then went still, head cocked and frog-legs hanging out.
Dudley rubbed at his arms. "It's getting cold."
Cold. The lethargy that was trying to overwhelm Harry turned to fear. He got to his feet and drew his wand, trying to decide which way the cold was coming from. "Quick... Hide Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia. Put them into cupboards or something." Dementors probably wouldn't care about the Dursleys but Harry didn't want to have to worry about them.
Dudley scurried to do as he was told.
Snape moulted with a loud pop, feathers flying in every direction and sticking greasily to walls, ceiling and floor. "They're coming through the front door," he hissed. "Didn't you lock it?"
"Uhhh... I forgot!" Dudley cried. "Won't the protective spell keep them out?"
"Dementors aren't wizards!" Harry realized. "Dudley, get behind us!"
"It's not you they've come for, boy," Snape said, stepping forward. The glass door into the hall was frosting up, but shadows were visible beyond it.
Harry groaned as the despair washed over him. Already he could hear Voldemort's triumphant laugh, could see the flash of green as Cedric fell in his mind's eye. He aimed his wand, trying to summon a better memory. "Expecto Patronum!" he cried, and heard the echo from Snape. He glanced over, curious in spite of everything to find out what Snape's patronus could be, and caught a glimpse of something silvery vanishing through the back wall. "THAT WASN'T EVEN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!" he exclaimed, although he'd done little better, only managing a few silver strands.
"There's more than one way to fight Dementors, Potter," Snape growled. "Stay back, I say."
"Professor Lupin said..." Harry protested.
"Lupin relies too much on charm and not enough on wit! Keep your thoughts to yourself, and if you can't manage that, then use what the Dementors make you remember." Snape took another step closer to the door, blocking Harry's view.
"But it's Cedric! And Voldemort!" Harry cried, trying to make Snape understand. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to him -- the nightmare that had haunted his sleep for weeks.
"You survived it, didn't you?" Snape snarled and raised his wand again. "Expecto...Gah!" his foot skidded on one of the greasy feathers on the floor and he fought for balance.
With a crack like the sound of a car backfiring a witch with purple hair Apparated into the kitchen and darted forward -- only her foot hit another one of the feathers and she caromed into Snape. To Harry's horror, both of them went down in a tangle. And the door was opening...
Desperately he raised his wand again, trying to think of something, anything bright. "Expecto patronum," he stammered, just as everything went dark.