Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief.

Note: Thanks for such great reviews! Had some time and I thought u guys deserved an update. I put in a song in italics but thoughts are also in italics so it'll be a little bit confusing but try you're best to understand which is which. The song is "The Hardest Thing" by 98 Degrees. I love that song, very old but I like it.

I still don't own Grey's Anatomy but if I did I'd hire all of the fanfiction writers and create episodes from their stories!

Derek didn't know how to reply so he just held her but she pushed him away.

"Get out please!" she screamed.

"Meredith, why can't you just let me in?" Derek said as she pushed him away.

"I… can't. I'm… sorry… but… I can't…" Meredith said trying to breathe.

"Meredith calm down, just let me take care of you!"

Meredith thought about what she was doing to Derek and thought it was best to just let him go. I can't make him suffer. We're over. He doesn't get to be worried. I don't want him to go through this. I can't. He deserves so much better. I love him enough to let him go.

Meredith calmed down.

I've made up my mind

There is no turning back

He's been good to me

And he deserves better than that

"I'm sorry Derek but you can't be here." she stated.

"Why? Why can't you just let me be there for you?!"

"Because, Derek, I…" You'll thank me later Derek. I'm giving you an out. Live you're life without me messing it up.

"…don't love you anymore."

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you

Derek was surprised and hurt mixed into one.

"What are you saying Mer? You don't want me here?" he paused

"You don't want me… period?"

"I'm sorry but you have to leave now."

"No, Meredith, don't say that! You know you still love me like I love you!"

"No, Derek, I don't. I can't even trust you, how can I love you?"

Derek couldn't believe what he was hearing. She doesn't mean that. No, I won't believe it.

"Meredith, you… you know that I'm so sorry for hurting you, you have to know that I'm here for good."

"I'm sorry too. I'm… sorry I ever met you. I'm sorry for walking into Joe's that night and meeting you. I'm sorry for ever… giving you my heart and having you break it into pieces... more than once. I'm… sorry I ever said I love you when I didn't mean it."

Meredith's heart was breaking as she watched Derek cry silently and as she spoke lies through her teeth.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry

I can't let you see
What you mean to me

Derek's heart was breaking as she spoke these words. He couldn't stop crying so he got up and left the room without a word.

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

Meredith lay back down, her eyes, burning. I can't believe I just said that. I just let the love of my life walk away from me. By now tears were falling and her heart was aching.

The Chief was making his way to Meredith's room but he had just saw Derek Sheperd run out of Meredith's room crying and he knew that she had made a mistake.

The Chief stopped Derek and brought him into his office.

In the Chief's office

"Derek what's the matter? What happened?"

Derek was too busy trying to catch his breath.

"She… she… doesn't love me…she…wishes…she…never…met me…I… can't…breathe…I… can't… live…without… her...Why can't she…See that?!"

The Chief made him sit down and calmed him down.

"Derek, you know I've known Meredith all her life. I mean I used to change her diapers. I know for a fact that she loves you more than anything in the world."

"Then… why…why would she say that she wished she'd never met me?"

"She's hurting. When she was thirteen she tried to kill herself and she pushed her mother away saying to just leave her to die and Ellis couldn't handle it so she came to me. She asked me to help her, so I visited her at the hospital. The image of her lifeless emotion still haunts me. She was like a daughter to me even though her mother and I had ended our relationship; I still came to her rescue. So I spoke to her and she said that everyone's going to leave her. Her father left and Ellis neglected Meredith. I told her she had me but she believed that I'd leave her too. I couldn't convince her other wise but she went through therapy and hated it. So she pretended to be okay, told everyone she was "fine". But her monsters came back when you left her. You need to save her Derek. Not me, not her friends but you."

"How can I when she doesn't even want to see me?"

"Push her. That may sound harsh but don't give up on her. That's what everyone has done so show her you're different, that you'll stick by her through the hardest of times."

Derek ran his hands through his hair and over his face. He was exhausted.

"I can't stick by her when she's so willing to give up by herself."

"Don't let her. Make her fight, Derek. She's a fighter but right now, she needs someone to fight with her, and that's you."

Derek nodded and told him he'd stop by later to see Meredith.

In the basement

"What are we going to do?" Alex said.

"What we're suppose to do. We're her doctors, we can't be her friends right now…I can't be her person right now. I'm not strong enough for this." Cristina responded.

"Cristina, you said it yourself, you're her person, we have to stick by her. She needs us more than ever."

"I can't… she's…I can't watch her die. I'm not going through that… again."

Alex was seeing different sides of Cristina, not hardcore surgery-hungry Cristina but a vulnerable and scared Cristina.

"Listen, you can do it. We have to help Meredith but I'm willing to help you too because we have to get through this together. We're a family and we're going to kick ass. Okay?"

Cristina stared at Alex and nodded.

Alex got up and gave Cristina a hug. At first she was stiff then she gave in and hugged him back.

"If you tell anyone that I was hugging you, I'll drive a scalpel through your spleen."

"Well if you tell anyone that I gave you chick advice, I'll let you."

They both let go and both of there pagers were beeping.

"It's the Chief."

"Let's go."

In the Chief's office

The Chief stood at his desk staring at the faces of 4 exhausted residents and 2 worried interns.

"Okay everyone, I know you're all having a hard time with Meredith so I'm making her case you're only case. I don't want you working on any other patients other than Meredith. I know you're all not fit to be in the OR or talking to patients."

They all nodded in union.

"Bailey, you're welcome to go home and spend time with your son."

"Thank you sir but I'll stay a little longer."

Bailey left the Chief's office and went straight to Meredith's room.

"What are we going to do sir?" Cristina questioned.

"You all need some rest so if you like you can rest in Meredith's room. We can move some more gurney's in there since that room was meant for more patients. Someone needs to be with her 24-7 to make sure she doesn't attempt… anything. But first make sure you have other residents and interns covering for you so before you go to Meredith make sure you're covered. Are we clear?"

"Yes sir." They said and cleared the room.

In Meredith's room

Meredith was still crying when Bailey arrived.

"Grey, are you okay? Okay, you have to calm down."

"I… can't…I…can't…breathe."

"Okay hold on."

Bailey went to the supply closet and grabbed a paper bag.

"Okay breathe into this. Slowly." She held her hand.

Meredith had a flashback when this had happened with Derek.

"I…can't…I…can't…I don't …I don't…I don't want…I don't want my mother to die alone."

"Slowly…slow down…. Ssh…"

Derek could see she was struggling to breathe so he handed her a paper bag and held her hand. Then she leaned in and he held her.

After what seemed like eternity, she got up.

"I'm okay."

"You're okay."

She got up and left.

"Meredith!"

"What, I'm sorry… I was…"

"Daydreaming. You're lucky you're a patient."

Meredith gave a little giggle.

"Meredith, why would you go and do this to yourself?"

Her tone was serious and Meredith's head went down in shame.

"You have friends who are like family to you. Hell, you even have the Chief and me. Why would you want to harm yourself?"

Meredith stayed head down, not able to look at Bailey.

"You know you're going to have to face this so you might as well start now."

Meredith sighed and lifted her head to look at Bailey.

"I… I just felt so… helpless and empty. I know that I'm lucky to have such a great family but… I can't help but feel…"

"Depressed?"

"Yeah you can say that. Then Derek and I broke up because I didn't want to marry him right away… and I just don't want to feel alone."

"So cutting yourself is the way to go?"

"I'm not defending what I did because I know it was wrong-"

"Damn right, also stupid and dangerous. Meredith what did you think you were doing? You could have accidentally cut an artery then what? "

"I'd be dead." She whispered.

"Is that what you want? You want to leave your family behind? You think leaving Derek alone without the love of his life a revenge for breaking you? No, he would die with you."

Meredith's eyes started tearing again.

"Stop. Please." Meredith pleaded in a whisper.

"Meredith, I'm only making you realize the consequences of your actions. You chose to do that to yourself so now you're paying the price."

"I know…"

"I know you know because you've been through this before."

Meredith was surprised. How did she know?

"What are you-"

"I know Grey. We ran a history on you. Age thirteen found in a bathtub with both of your wrists slit multiple times."

Meredith stayed silent and remembered that day.

"The Chief talked to us about that."

The Chief he was there, in my room. I remember. Wow, it's been so long since I've thought about that.

"…He was on the verge of tears. Everyone was. Derek was already crying."

"I've…erased that day out of my memory. I never wanted to be back there ever again so I put a smile on my face and when on with life."

"But now…"

"Now it came back to take the rest of me. Being diagnosed with manic-depression was the worst time of my life. I don't want to go through it again. The therapy, the drugs, it's not worth it because nothing changes. "

"Well that's too bad Grey because you have a family in this hospital and man who'd be willing to do anything for you, fighting right by your side. So no Grey, you're not going to give up that easily."

Meredith thought for a moment.

"Thank you Dr. Bailey. I'll try not to give up."

"You're a fighter Grey, I know you won't give up. But there is something I advise you to do."

"What?"

"Let the stupid blue-eyed-moussed-hair neurosurgeon help you too. He's falling apart just like you."

"I can't do that to him Dr. Bailey. He deserves so much more"

"What, so you think you're doing him a favor by pushing him away?"

"Well, yeah. He can live his life without any complications. He'll be happier without me."

"Let me ask you this, do you think he'd be happy when the love of his life won't be part of his life?"

Damn, why did Bailey have to be right all the time!?

"Because I'm Dr. Bailey and I know everything." She said as if she read her mind.

Meredith looked at her and started to laugh.

"Thank you again… and for making me laugh."

"You deserve better too Grey, you're just too damn stupid to know that. I'll send that egotistical neurosurgeon here."

"Okay."

What am I going to say to him? Does he hate me? What if he just leaves?

"Say what's in your heart Grey. He can never hate you and he will never leave you."

"How did you-"

"I'm Dr. Bailey."

Meredith smiled as the great Dr. Bailey left her room.

I gave you some Meredith and Bailey bonding. I always liked them. And some Alex and Cristina, they'd be a great pair, both so driven but with a soft side. Derek talks to the Chief. I'll put Izzie, George and Lexie in the next update... if I remember. hehe. Review please.