Title: Scalpels are my best friend.
Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief.
Note: Sorry a million times! I have not been updating I know but my internet was not working which made it impossible to live like really hard I almost went crazy! I've been watching my grey's dvd's and re-runs but I still was missing my fanfic fix. Okay enough ramble. Enjoy this update.
I still don't own Grey's Anatomy but if I did I'd hire all of the fanfiction writers and create episodes from their stories!
"Thank God, because this conversation is getting way too gay and full of estrogen." Alex said.
"Yeah, please I do not want to accidentally call my attending Dr. McDreamy." George responded.
All the girls looked at the two guys and started laughing.
"Thanks guys! I really needed that." Meredith said smiling.
I hate therapists. Psyche is crap. Therapy is crap. Everything is crap. Okay, maybe I'm being a little overdramatic but I hate therapy. Didn't like it when I was younger and I hate it even more now. Same therapist who thinks he knows everything. "Meredith, you're avoiding things you shouldn't be avoiding." Okay Doc, tell me something I don't already know! My friends barely lasted two nights staying away from surgery so I gave them my word that I wouldn't attempt anything so they can leave. Derek's been here. Everyday, he sits right beside my bed. I'd ignore him. Sometimes he'd talk about surgeries and I'd still ignore him. Sometimes he just sat beside me watching me.
It was Thursday night when Derek came into my room and sat at his usual spot. I, on the other hand did my best to ignore him like always.
"You're ready to be discharged." He says.
I can't help but look up at him to see if he was being serious but then turned away.
"Did you hear me?"
I continued to look down.
"Okay, I'll take that as a "yes Derek I heard you". Anyway I'll give you the discharge papers tomorrow and bring you home."
"Over my dead body."
The first thing I say to him in over a week and I tell him over my dead body. Wow that's nice.
"Ah, you finally found your tongue."
"You are not taking me home Derek."
"Why not? It's not like anyone else can take you, all your friends have work."
"So do you, I don't see why they can't take 10 minutes to take me home. So no Derek you are not taking me home."
"Actually they can't because they all have back-to-back surgeries the time you're being discharged."
"How is that possible?"
"Well, being an attending and knowing the Chief kind of helps.'
"You set this up?!"
"Not so much as a set up… kind of like a bribe. Actually all I had to say was back-to-back surgeries and they accepted. I didn't even need to use my… what do you guys call it? McDreamy charm? "
Meredith turned red with embarrassment. "Not the point!"
"Yeah but its flattering."
"Great something to feed you're ego. Not that it needs it."
"Ow, ouch. Now I think I need more ego feeding since you just hurt my feelings."
"Shut up. Stop changing the subject!"
"Hey you brought it up."
"Seriously Derek, you are not bringing me home and that's final."
"Unless you want to walk then yes I am bringing you home."
"Better than being with you." She said under her breath but he heard her and was hurt.
Derek was fed up. She hasn't talked to him in over a week and the one time she actually talks to him, she's being cruel.
"That's Enough! I've had it Meredith! I come here everyday and you ignore me! You actually talk to me and you're acting like this!"
"Like what Derek?!"
"Like-"
"Betrayed?! Heart broken?! If so then I guess you're not so stupid after all."
"Oh don't give me that! We were not together! You wanted S&M, I gave that to you. You wanted me to stop seeing other people, I show you house plans and you freak out!"
"No actually. I tell you I don't want you to see other people and I hear you kissed a nurse from George! Not you, George!"
"That kiss didn't matter!"
"It did to me."
"What do you want Meredith? I apologized and apologized. What more do you want?"
"I didn't ask you too. I told you to leave. I told you that I never wanted to see you again but no, you come here everyday. I told you what I wanted. You just don't listen."
"You don't want that. If you really did want me to leave then you would of told me everyday since I've been coming here. You're just afraid and I'm fed up."
"If you're so fed up then why are you still here?"
"I'm gone." With that he got up and left.
Meredith sat on her bed and started to cry.
Outside her door, Derek was leaning, not caring that people were watching and was crying.
Why does she always bring the worst out of me? I love her so much why can't she just let me?
At the exact same time Meredith was thinking.
Why do I always bring the worst out of him? I love him so much why can't I just let him?
Derek stood outside for a while. Then mustered all his courage and knocked on the door.
A couple minutes later Meredith was calm and stopped crying but can still see the tears on her face. Suddenly she heard a knock. Maybe it's my friends or a nurse.
"Come in."
Meredith was laid back with her eyes closed so she didn't see who came in.
Derek walked in and sat on the side of the bed.
It had been almost thirty seconds and Meredith's eyes were still closed, she almost forgot someone came into the room. But felt someone else was in the room and opened her eyes.
Derek was trying to figure out what to say. He was just watching Meredith. Suddenly she sat up and opened her eyes.
Meredith saw Derek's surprised expression and almost felt the sides of her mouth widen but then remembered she was mad at him. So she just laid back down and closed her eyes.
"I'm sorry." Derek spoke first.
"I don't care." Okay harsh but I'm really mad. I am going into instant Cristina mode on his ass.
"Don't be like that Mere."
"Whatever."
"Fine."
There was an awkward silence. It was weird. They never had awkward silences. Even when Meredith was ignoring Derek it didn't feel awkward. It was almost comforting.
Derek gave up. I am not talking to her when she's like this. He stood up and was just about to leave but stopped and said "I'll come by around 10 to bring you home."
"No."
"Meredith, be realistic, there's no one else who can take you."
"I don't care. I am not going with you."
"I'll come by around 10. Bye Meredith."
He left the room.
I need a plan. How am I going to get home? I cannot ride with Derek.
About five minutes passed and she came up with an idea.
It may be the stupidest thing ever but its that or Derek.
She pressed the button that contacts the nurse.
"Yes Ms. Grey"
"Yeah, can you page Nurse Rose for me please?"
"Of course."
God this is a stupid plan! She's obviously going to say no. I mean who in the world would want to bring their boyfriend's ex-girlfriend home?
There was a knock at the door.
"Come in."
Rose came into the room and looked panicked.
"Meredith, what's wrong? What happened? Are you okay?"
"Oh yeah Rose everything's fine. I just need to ask you for a favour."
"Oh, I thought something happened. Okay what's up?"
"I was wondering if you're not busy tomorrow if you know… if you can… uhm…you don't have to if you don't want too…"
"Okay Meredith you're rambling. Are you trying to ask me out?" Rose said trying to lighten the mood which just made Meredith more nervous.
"Oh my god No! No offence you're very pretty but no. I am not gay. I like men. Actually I like men a lot just not enough to love them-"
"Don't worry Meredith I was just kidding. I was just trying to make you comfortable but that just made you ramble even more. "
"Okay, well if you're not busy can you give me a ride tomorrow?"
"Yeah sure."
"Seriously? You actually said yes to the ex-girlfriend of you're ex-boyfriend who ruined him for every other woman?"
"Yes and you did not ruin him. He's just taken."
"Well thank you. I really appreciate it."
"No problem. What time do you need me to take you home?"
"Around ten thirty in the morning."
"Oh great, I don't have to be here 'till 12."
"Okay great. Thanks again."
"You're welcome. Well, I got to get back to work."
"Okay, bye Rose."
"Bye Meredith."
It was around night and the hustle and bustle of the hospital was dying down.
Meredith was sitting in her bed watching crappy hospital t.v when all her friends came into her room.
"Hey Mer!"
"Hi Meredith"
"Hey!"
Meredith just looked at them with a blank stare.
Alex, Izzie, Cristina, George and Lexie all looked at each other wondering what they did.
"What did you do?"
"I didn't do anything."
"Wasn't me."
"Okay Mer, you're gonna have to help us out here. Did any of us do anything specific?"
"Guess what?"
"What?" They said together and chuckled.
"I'm being discharged tomorrow."
Their eyes went wide but quickly went back to their normal expressions. But Meredith saw.
"That's so great Mer!"
"That's awesome!"
Meredith heard them all complimenting her but she knew they all already knew.
"You all already knew."
"What are you talking about? We didn't… know." Izzie said hesitantly.
"Really? So Derek didn't promise all of you back-to-back surgeries during the time of my discharge so none of you can take me home?"
"No."
"Not at all."
"No…No…no"
Meredith watched Izzie, George and Cristina stumble on their words. Lexie stayed quiet and looked around the room and Alex was waiting for everyone else to shut up.
"Yeah, Sheperd promised all of us back-to-back surgeries so he can bring you home."
George, Cristina and Izzie looked at Alex like they were going to kill him.
"Well, at least you were honest. But you guys, my person? Come on!"
"Sorry but he promised us not to tell. He was so McDreamy about it!" Izzie tried.
"He said he didn't even use his McDreamy charm on you. All he said was back-to-back surgeries and you accepted."
"Oh, he told you that. McBastard."
"Yeah he kinda did. Anyway, I got a ride."
"McDreamy's not taking you?"
"Yeah right."
"…Rose is." She whispered.
All their eyes grew big.
"WHAT?"
"Rose is taking me." She said quickly.
"Rose?! As in McDreamy's slutty scrub nurse?!" Cristina screamed.
"Can you be quiet? Rose isn't that bad, actually she's nice."
"Whatever, it's your funeral." Cristina said and immediately regretted.
Everyone's eyes shifted toward Cristina and couldn't believe what she just said.
Meredith winced.
"Oh, Meredith I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that." Cristina was mentally kick herself.
"No, it's okay. It's not your fault I almost died."
Everyone felt awkward at that moment.
"Sorry for being so morbid. Anyway what's going on in the hospital? Any interesting sugeries?"
They continued their night with hospital talk.
The next morning, Meredith got up early, got all her stuff ready and waited for her discharge papers.
At exactly 10am Derek came into the room and dropped the discharged papers on the table and left. He didn't say good morning or even glance at her.
"Well, good morning to you too." She said to herself and rolled her eyes.
25 minutes later, Meredith had finished her discharge papers and Derek came back into the room and sat down on the same chair he had been in for over a week.
Meredith stood up from her bed and looked outside the door, looking for Rose.
"What are you doing?"
"Oh, you speak." She said sarcastically.
"Okay, I deserved that. I'll just shut up now and wait 'till I have to take you home."
"That's what you think." She said still looking outside her door.
"What's that suppose to mean?"
Meredith stayed at her place and didn't answer instead gasp and opened the door.
"Rose! Hey!"
"Hi Meredith you ready to go?"
"Yeah, I just need to get my stuff."
Derek sat their dumbfounded but sprung into action when Meredith came into the room, he went out and closed the door.
Meredith turned around and saw the back of Derek's head with the door closed.
Oh no, he's going to take me ride away! Crap!
She ran to the door but it wouldn't open because Derek was holding the handle so it would lock close.
Outside the room, Meredith could see Derek talking to Rose. Rose looked up at Meredith and gave her an apologetic look. Crap. I just lost my ride. Rose walked away and Derek opened the door.
"What the hell!? I needed-" Before she can finish her sentence Derek was grabbing her bag and walked out.
Okay, what the hell just happened?
Derek came back into the room with a wheelchair.
"Hell no. I am not going out in a wheel chair."
Derek sighed, dropped the bag, walked over to Meredith and carried her into the chair kicking and screaming.
"Derek Sheperd! Put me down!"
Derek dropped her into the wheelchair and wheeled her out of the hospital room. Everyone was watching Derek push Meredith throughout the hospital. Meredith kept trying to get up but Derek kept pushing her back down. They reached the elevator and Meredith stayed silent.
On their way out, they went to see the Chief.
"Hey Chief, I'm leaving now. Just wanted to stop by."
"That's great but Meredith I want you to have one more session before you leave."
"Chief, I don't-"
"Meredith it's either now or during your time back for a whole month."
"Fine."
Derek just stood in the office not knowing what to do.
"Derek you can go with her. Her therapist has wanted to talk to you."
"No, he would not. Plus he wouldn't want-"
"Sure, let's go."
They were walking out and Meredith gave the Chief the dirtiest look.
"Thanks a lot Chief."
He just shrugged his shoulders and waved goodbye.
Therapy was terrible. They talked about absolutely everything Meredith had been avoiding. They said their good-bye's and Meredith ran out of the room trying to hold back her tears with Derek behind her.
They reached the car and as soon as Derek started the car The Clash music played.
Derek could hear Meredith holding back sobs the whole ride to Meredith's house.
Once they reached her house, she didn't wait for Derek to open the door for her or say anything, she was already out of the car running to the door. Derek wasn't far behind.
Meredith was looking in her purse for her keys and couldn't find them.
Derek walked slowly up her door, holding her house keys.
"How…did you…get those?" she said with her breath shaking.
Derek looked at her sadly.
"I took them from your purse."
"Okay, you had your fun today, hearing me say all the things I couldn't say to you, can you please give me a break and give me back my keys?"
"I'll open your door."
Derek opened the door and Meredith ran straight up the stairs into her bedroom.
Meredith was exhausted. She was breaking down. It felt like she was dying slowly and painfully.
Derek sighed and walked up the stairs.
He could hear her crying.
He knocked on her bedroom door.
No answer.
He opened the door and Meredith wasn't there.
He saw the bathroom light under the door.
He opened the door and saw Meredith sitting on the edge of her tub, holding a scalpel and a bottle of pills.
She looked up and put her hands behind her back.
"What do you want Derek?"
That was the last straw. Derek walked up to Meredith and grabbed the items behind her back and she put her head down.
Derek poured all the pills down her toilet.
"No Derek I-"
He turned his head away from the toilet and gave her a look saying back off so she closed her mouth.
He flushed the toilet and sat across from Meredith on the floor against the door.
He was still holding the scalpel.
"I don't get it Mere."
"What?"
Before Meredith knew what was happening, Derek had slid the scalpel across his wrist.
"Derek!"
He just watched the blood stream down into his sleeve.
Meredith found her medicine kit and ran to Derek but he just grabbed the kit and got up to throw the scalpel into the toilet.
She felt terrible. It was like someone was tearing her heart apart.
"That feeling you have right now, it'll get worse."
She just stayed silent afraid to talk.
Derek was wrapping his wrist while talking.
"I felt what you were feeling but mine was worse. The first time, when I heard your hand was on the bomb, I think that's the feeling you feel right, like someone's just tearing your heart apart but every time it got worse."
"…The second time was when the little girl showed me where you were, in the Elliot Bay."
"Stop." She whispered.
"I actually dove into the Elliot Bay and swam until I found you. When I did you were so blue, so cold. There I felt like I was drowning with you."
"Please."
"Then when I saw you get hit by the truck. I swear I could feel about a thousand trucks rolling over my heart."
"Please stop."
"Now, seeing you hold the scalpel and a bottle of pills. I feel like killing myself just to be with you."
"Stop!"
"No, you think you feel bad now!? Think about how I felt when I had to see you die so many times. I'm exhausted Meredith. I just want… I want you to be alright."
"How? How can I ever be alright when I'm not with you?"
"Is that what you want? Then stop pushing me away. Let me love you and love yourself. I need you to be okay Meredith or else I can't live. I'm drowning here. I just feel like you're slipping away from me and I just… I can't."
"I'm sorry, please just… I can't either. Without you I'm just alone. Even with my friends, they can't replace you. I… I love you."
Derek lifted Meredith off the floor and held her tight.
"I love you too. I love you so much."