AN: In case there is any confusion, text in italics indicates a flashback.
Lois Lane was back on her game. The Superman story, penned by Clark, had been a huge success. Lois had arrived at the Trib the next morning to find her fellow reporters cheering her on, other members of the investigative writing team glad to have her on board. To be fair, the joy on that first day had been short-lived. John called her into his office shortly after she had gotten settled.
Lois had walked in beaming – certain that he was about to drop a juicy story in her lap. John had thought so, too, but clearly, they had different ideas on what made a juicy story.
"The Superman piece was wonderful, Lois," John opened with.
Lois smiled, "Thank you." She had felt a little guilty taking credit for something Clark had written, but then she figured he deserved it, he offered it, and it moved her past her indecision on what to do about it.
"I can already see it as a series of articles," John continued. Lois' eyes widened slightly, but she didn't say anything as she felt her heartbeat quicken. The last thing she wanted to do was delve deeper into this story. "People are going to be wondering," John began, "Heck – I'm wondering. Just what did he do? And what does this mean for his image? Is he evil – was it something illegal or morally bankrupt? Or is he an angel – feeling grief when he hurt someone who wasn't really all that hurt? We need to find out."
When Lois said nothing, John finished off with, "You need to find out."
Lois felt like she was back at the beginning. She was unsure what to do. What she did not want to do was to be faced with Clark again. She knew she had trouble seeing him hurt and she knew she would never be able to forgive herself if she forgave him. So, for the first day, she did nothing. She knew she was burying her head in the sand, but she was sort of hoping it would blow over.
Besides, Abby Winters had asked her for help on one of her stories. While the old Lois Lane would have said no – she hated working with a partner and in general, Lois was not the type of person to get along well with other women, she was eager to sink her teeth into something aside from the Superman story. Abby's story was exactly what she wanted – political corruption, criminal activity.
The two women worked well together. Lois found that her working style was different than it used to be and that helped. Abby's interest in working with her led Abby to take Lois' suggestions seriously, and Lois had softened as a partner. Gone was the sparring Lois from her partnership with Clark. This Lois was insightful, but a bit more cautious and more interested in what Abby had to say. The years away from the game made Lois feel a bit unsure of herself and she started to think that was actually a good thing. She was a better partner when she did not think she was light years ahead of her colleagues.
Given the legwork Abby had done and the ease with which the two women worked together, the case was broken open within the first two days. Two front page stories within a week was not bad work for Lois (although admittedly her byline came after Abby's on the second one).
Still, her hope that the Superman story would fall by the wayside did not work out. Her article, or Clark's article, had been picked up by the Associated Press and spread like wildfire. And John was right on – there were speculations a-plenty about what Superman had done, ranging the gamut from staunch supporters who were pitying the superhero, to those who were willing to burn him at the stake without the faintest idea what he had done wrong.
Lois was again at odds with herself. This was the precisely the sort of story she would have wanted to get to the bottom of before – and she would want the credit as the reporter who did so; but not this time, not this story. Given her feelings, she could not expunge Clark from guilt, but nor could she be the reporter who left him to be torn apart by the press. Not only did she have a problem doing that professionally, but she also felt that this was too private. She had never thought of this before – that maybe Superman's private life was no one's business but his. She had always thought that if he chose to live in the spotlight, these were the dues he had to pay. But now she felt differently. This issue, however large it might be in her life, was between her and Clark. She was not interested in seeing it discussed by all the talking heads.
However, the longer she waited to write the follow-up, the bigger the story became. More and more reporters were jumping on the Superman-did-something-illegal bandwagon and his reputation was going down in flames. While Lois cared little for his reputation, she knew something needed to be done. At a fire in Seattle about a week after the first article, people had booed at Clark when he arrived and had thrown things at him as he tried to pull people from the building. Not only was it hurting his ability to help others, but just as she had not wanted, others were discussing her private argument with Clark, even if they did not know what it was.
So, she decided to tell the truth about what happened. She contemplated the issue of not wanting to see Clark again, and then decided it was a non-issue. She did not need to see Clark to write this story. Clark made decisions about her life without telling her – such as the "By the way, I'm sorry you're devastated by my death. As it happens, I'm not dead." Or the "I'm guessing you're in a tight spot, so I got you out of it. Here's the article you wrote." And okay, he was right about the last one, but still… The fact is that Clark made a habit of making decisions for her. She could make this one for him.
In order to keep the secret identity issue a secret identity and not harm the Kents, she did not mention what the lie was based on. She just said that she had tracked down the wronged party. That person, who wished to remain anonymous, felt that Superman had lied to her. However, this was not an illegal lie. The problem was simply that she trusted Superman to always be honest and it turned out he was not.
As expected, there were several days of people speculating what this lie was, and John pushed her to write another article. But now that the actual nature of the grievance was better known, it died down slightly. Staunch supporters of Superman claimed it was okay for heroes to make mistakes, particularly when they felt remorse. Those that had been all for burning him at the stake found themselves with fewer supporters – even those who were disappointed to hear that Superman had lied (and there were many) no longer thought that throwing things at him while he performed rescues was appropriate.
While there was also some support for the aggrieved person to forgive Superman, eventually the topic blew over. There were still some speculations about it and it would come up on occasion, but eventually the news had moved on.
The main outcome of this, for Lois, though, was that the second story, too, was picked up by the Associated Press. Given Clark's reluctance to talk to the press anymore, any quotes from or about the superhero were big news right now. Lois Lane, once again, became the reporter tied to Superman.
John, and as it happened, other papers, too, expected to see pieces from Lois after any major rescues. The first time, after a monsoon in southeast Asia, Lois had asked John if he was willing to fly her there and when the answer was no, had asked what he expected her to do. John had smiled, saying, "Why work your Lane magic, again, of course."
And so Lois had once again called out to Clark. She watched on LNN to see him flying away from the scene and started calling then. When he reached her a few moments later, he was filthy and looked exhausted. But Lois had a story to write and decided she cared little for Clark's comfort.
Since then, it had become a habit. She and Abby had become a writing team to rival any other at the Union Tribune, but on top of that Lois had the exclusive on Superman. She would call to him after every rescue and it seemed no matter where he had been or how long he had been there, he always came when she called.
For her part, Lois was a little disappointed – it was like Superman was a trained puppy. But as long as it kept getting her Associated Press stories, she was fine with it.
This arrangement had been working quite well for her for six months now and Lois was feeling settled in her new life. She had a permanent and well-respected position at the Trib now and a month ago, Mrs. Wilkins next door had decided to move back east to be near her family. She had a small one-bedroom apartment that she sold to Lois at a very good rate. So, Lois was still close enough to be involved in Sammy's life, but she finally felt like she had her own life again. Plus, this apartment had an exterior entrance, allowing Superman easy entrance and exit when he came to give her his stories.
It was during an earthquake in Australia that things changed, or rather change started. While the news was still showing shots of Superman at the site, the shots looked recycled from earlier, so Lois started calling for him about three hours after the earliest reports. But that night, about eight hours after it had started, he still had not shown up. The news was only covering the earthquake sporadically so she knew little about what was going on.
Finally at 10, she decided to make sure he was not ignoring her. She called directory assistance and got the number for the Kents. When Martha answered, Lois felt nervous. She had not considered the fact that Clark was unlikely to answer given that he was supposed to be dead.
"Hi, Martha," she started, tentatively. "This is Lois… Lois Lane."
There was a pause before finally, Martha responded, her tone detached, "Hi Lois," she replied, "How are you?"
"Okay," Lois said tentatively. "How are you and Jonathan?"
"We're doing well, dear," Martha replied, her tone a bit friendlier. "If you are looking for Clark, he's still in Australia."
"Oh," Lois said, suddenly lost for words. "Well, could you ask him to call me when he gets back?" she finished lamely.
"Of course, Lois."
When the two women hung up, Lois sat on the edge of her bed feeling slightly ill.
Clark still had not shown up the following night, and Lois was sure it was him when someone knocked on her door at nine that night.
She was surprised when she saw Martha Kent standing in her doorway. "Good evening, Lois," the older woman opened with.
For a minute, Lois was certain that Clark really was dead this time. As much as she hated it, she felt her heart constrict at the thought. As though she could read the look on her face, Martha assured her, "He's still in Australia."
Stuttering slightly, Lois asked more than stated, "But they are barely reporting anything on LNN anymore?"
"I know and I was worried, too, but Jonathan reminded me that if someone found a way to bring down Superman, it would be public knowledge – they would want credit."
Lois nodded, agreeing with the thought. Almost absently, she took a step back and motioned for Martha to come in. "Would you like some tea?" she offered.
"That would be nice," Martha replied.
When Lois came back into her living room, Martha was seated on the couch, staring out the window with a blank look on her face.
As she prepared her tea, Martha took a deep breath, "Lois, we need to talk."
Lois nodded her head, unsure of the appropriate reply.
"You need to know a few things," Martha continued. "First off, I'm here because I love my son very much. I know he is hurting right now and I'd like to help ease that. However, you should also know that I think what he did to you was wrong and hurtful. I am not here to defend his actions. But I am hoping I can explain them a little, because while I think it was wrong, I know why he did it. And I'm hoping that if you do, too, both of you can stop hurting so much."
Lois nodded again, still unsure what to say.
Martha took a deep breath before beginning, "When Clark was a child we had no idea he was special. Jonathan and I had some suspicions – I mean, we found him on a spaceship. But we never imagined… We thought he was something from some government experiment gone wrong. And for the first few years he was a normal little boy. He got hurt just like other little boys and threw tantrums like them, too. Although, our neighbors assured us that Clark threw less of those than other children," Martha chuckled a little.
"The Rogers lived next door and they had a little boy Clark's age. Given that 'next door' in Smallville is sort of far away and Jonathan and I were concerned about people taking Clark away, Adam and Clark didn't meet until they were about four. But they were fast friends. By the time they started school a year later, they were inseparable. In fact, when they were placed in different kindergarten classrooms, they asked us for help writing up letters to the school board to change one of their classes to the other's. The school was so impressed with this show of initiative, they got their request.
"They met Lana sometime later – maybe fourth grade. Clark was immediately smitten. He would come home and talk about her for hours. But unfortunately, Lana was unaware there was even a boy named Clark in her class.
Clark jumped up and down excitedly. He loved being in the hayloft almost as much as Adam did. It completely made up for having to spend the afternoon helping his dad fix the shelf. Besides, Dad had gone back to the house a moment ago to get his hammer.
Adam, who was also jumping up and down, fell into Clark. The two boys fell into the hay laughing. Clark got back up and giggling, pushed Adam in retaliation. Adam laughed and getting up on his knees pushed Clark right back. Still giggling, Clark too got onto his knees and the boys began pushing at each other.
Hay was in both of their hair and the boys were giggling so hard they could barely see straight. Adam pushed Clark again and Clark fell backwards.
For a moment neither said anything as Clark fell over the side and right down to the ground. Then Adam started screaming.
Jonathan was nearly back at the barn when he heard the scream and increased his pace to a jog. He felt his heart stop at the sight of his son on the floor of the barn. He approached Clark cautiously, worried about what he would find.
When he got closer, though, Clark was looking up at him curiously. "What happened, son?" Jonathan asked.
Adam, who had stopped screaming when Jonathan had entered the barn, had now scrambled down the ladder and was standing next to him. In a timid voice, he answered the question, "I pushed him, Mr. Kent. But it was an accident, I swear! I didn't mean for him to fall," he started to cry.
Jonathan placed a hand on his head. "I know, son. It's okay."
Both Adam and Jonathan were shocked when Clark got up off the floor. "I'm fine, Dad," he said, still looking confused.
"Adam and Clark thought this was very cool and for the next year they would joke about the time Clark survived the fall," Martha continued. "Of course in their stories, the fall was much larger than the seven feet it actually is.
"By the end of that year, though, other things had started to happen. Clark heard a conversation Jonathan and I had even though we were whispering and were on the other side of the house. Clark had decided to help me make dinner and casually put his hand on a burner I had accidentally left on, but was fine.
"We were scared – all of us, but no one more than Jonathan. He began to have nightmares of people coming to take Clark away to find out what made him special. He started telling these stories to Clark about what he feared, instilling in Clark the fear that no one could know. His favorite phrase was, 'they'll dissect you like a frog'.
"I was against these stories as I knew Clark was afraid in a way he had not been before. But Jonathan got the message across – no one was to know. Clark fought for several days, said he should be able to tell Adam, but Jonathan was firm and I agreed with him. I knew it was a tough secret to ask a ten year old to keep, but one ten year old knowing was probably too many.
"Eventually, although Clark insisted it was his secret to tell and we shouldn't be able to tell him what to do, he agreed to do as we asked.
"Really?" Clark asked Adam, awe in his voice.
"Yeah," Adam answered proudly. "Right in front of Ron, too. He looked pretty steamed, but it was worth it."
"On the lips?" Clark clarified. Adam nodded. "What was it like?" Clark asked.
Adam thought for a second, before he said, "I think she had some lip gloss on cause she tasted like strawberries," he paused for a moment before lowering his voice, "Don't tell anyone, but it was kind of…wet."
Clark laughed, "Wet?" he asked.
"Yeah, it was kind of wet." When Clark continued to laugh, Adam got indignant. "Hey, you've never been kissed by a girl. You don't know!" But when this failed to wipe the amused look off of Clark's face, Adam continued. "I bet if I wanted to, I could get Lana Lang to kiss me!" he exclaimed.
"You wouldn't," Clark said, sounding a bit fearful, but Adam nodded his head yes. This only made Clark laugh again. "You couldn't," he said.
Adam laughed, knowing Clark was right, but it was still fun to tease his friend.
Clark reached out and playfully tapped Adam, accidentally getting hay in Adam's hair. Adam picked some hay up from the ground beneath him and threw it at Clark.
Clark picked up an even larger handful of hay and threw it at Adam.
In retaliation, Adam began throwing handful after handful of hay at Clark. "It's so much more fun to play in your hayloft than mine," he said while he threw hay at Clark. "My dad gets so mad when we move the hay around." Clark rolled left and then right to escape the fall of hay while trying to send his own hay Adam's way. The last time he miscalculated. He felt himself fall over the edge and nearly held his breath, hoping that like when this happened last year, he would somehow land uninjured.
But then strangely, he felt himself traveling up, not down. He looked around the barn in wonder not understanding what was going on. A minute more and he was sitting besides Adam in the hayloft again.
Neither boy said anything for a moment. Then, in a quiet voice, Clark asked, "Did I… did I just fly?"
Adam said nothing for a moment more, staring at Clark with wide eyes. Then without a word, he let out a loud scream and pushed past Clark to climb down the stairs. He did not stop screaming the entire way home.
"He wasn't overtly cruel to Clark, ever, which I think says something about his character. But Clark was eleven. It was easy to hurt him. Adam never said anything about what he'd seen to anyone, but he refused to talk to Clark again and asked Clark to leave him alone when Clark tried.
"Clark was miserable for months after the thing with Adam. That was when he built his 'Fortress of Solitude'. And he stopped arguing with us about telling anyone his secret. Eventually, he moved on, but he was different. He was shy and unsure of himself.
"He had friends, but no one he was close to. He dated, but not very often. He still had this awful crush on Lana, and they were friends, but Lana saw Clark as a great guy for studying algebra with or for calling up to cry when her latest boyfriend dumped her, but not the boy she would go to the movies with on a Friday night.
"So, when Clark went to college, he almost seemed relieved to be leaving Smallville. I think he hoped that out of the town he grew up in, he would be able to rebuild himself into someone else.
"He met Becky during his second year at college. She was sweet and very taken with Clark. Jonathan thought she was the one when we met her, but I was less sure – mother's instinct, maybe.
"Clark and Becky dated for nearly two years when he decided it was time to tell her. They were in love and were talking about getting married when they graduated.
"I'm sure that at heart, she didn't mean it, I mean she wasn't a monster. But when Clark told her, she screamed at him, called him all sorts of names. When Clark told us, it was hard to make out exactly what she said to him. What I remember, what it's hard to forget, is that she called him a freak, an alien, and asked how he could think anyone would want to marry him." Martha's voice grew soft.
Taking a deep breath, she continued, "Jonathan and I were worried that she would tell someone, and I'm not convinced she wouldn't have, but she refused to let Clark walk her back to her dorm that night. Any other night, he likely would have flown out of sight to watch her get home safely. But he was so beaten down, that when she said no, he let her go and flew home to us a few minutes later. She was hit by a car on her way back and died the next day.
"Given how he felt, it's hard to imagine how Clark finished the semester. He was a zombie. When we talked to him on the phone, his voice was so quiet it was hard to hear him. When he came home to visit, he barely spoke.
"Over the following summer, Clark was withdrawn and quiet. It was hard to determine how much was over the things Becky had said and how much was guilt and anguish over her death. But we couldn't draw him out.
"Goodness knows, Lana tried. She spent a lot of time with Clark during college when they were both home from school, and she was disappointed in how little interest Clark seemed to have in spending time with her that summer. I think Clark's crush on Lana was still there even while he was with Becky and Lana was used to Clark sort of doting on her. But that summer he didn't have the energy or the interest it seemed.
"I thought this may be the end of their friendship – that once Clark was no longer paying attention to her, Lana would lose interest. But she was better than I gave her credit for. She pushed hard to maintain her friendship with Clark. I think she was upset as she could tell Clark was holding back on her. He had told her about Becky's accident, but had decided not to tell her about their fight. Lana could tell there was something else going on, but was never pushy.
"Still, she showed up nearly everyday to try to get Clark outdoors and when that failed, to sit with him, holding his hand. At the time, I was really impressed and wondered if Clark had been right in high school and Lana was the person he would spend his life with. Now, I sort of wish she had been a little less nice. Maybe the friendship would have ended then.
"Clark remained quiet when he went back to school, but he talked to Lana often. By Christmas break they had made plans to travel around the world for a year or two after college. Jonathan and I were concerned about this – we suspected that Clark and Lana, while still purely platonic, were going to spend a substantial amount of time living together when they traveled, and weren't sure how he'd keep his secret from her then.
"As it happened, Clark had the same concerns. Shortly after they graduated Lana had come over to discuss plans for their trip. She was concerned about his lackadaisical attitude towards making plane reservations and confused by it, since he was perfectly willing to make other arrangements.
"I just don't get it, Clark," Lana said again, her voice rising slightly. "You were happy to be the one to call the hostels and make reservations. Why not the flights? What is so special about the flights?"
Clark said nothing, not sure how to bring up the fact that he was hoping to fly them places himself.
"Clark?" Lana asked, her voice rising even further.
"I know, Lana. I'm trying to find a way to explain this to you," Clark replied, his voice still calm.
The two sat in silence for a moment or two while Clark thought, then Lana nearly screamed, "CLARK! What the heck?"
Clark looked at her, his eyes big and round, but still had no answer.
In a move that shocked both of them, Lana leaned forward and grabbed Clark's hands. "Just tell me, Clark," she said, her voice soft again. And a moment later, when Clark still failed to answer, she used their joined hands to pull Clark closer to her. Meeting him half way, she angled her lips over his, kissing him softly.
Pulling back from the kiss, Lana whispered, "I love you, Clark. I've loved you for a long time. You're so important to me. But I don't get it. I just… I wish you'd make the plane reservations or at least tell me why you won't. Is it that you don't want to go with me?"
Clark could not help the grin that was spread widely over his face. He tried to answer her, but all that came out were nonsense syllables, and within seconds Lana was laughing at him.
After they had both calmed down, Clark took a deep breath. "You can't know how happy that makes me, Lana. I have loved you for so long," he stopped for a moment and then took another deep breath. "But there's something I haven't told you. A secret that no one knows and really no one can know."
Lana shook her head in understanding, so Clark continued, "The reason I haven't wanted to make flight decisions is because I can't really afford to fly all over the world."
"But I thought you'd worked all the financial stuff out before we started planning, Clark?" Lana asked, confused.
"I did, but I didn't plan for paying for flights," Clark said.
"But… but how did you plan for us to get places?"
"I… well,… I'm not sure the best way to tell you this,…" Clark tried to find the right words, but failed.
"Just tell me," Lana replied.
Clark took another deep breath. "I can fly," he stated.
Lana just looked at him for a moment waiting for more. Finally, when she realized it was not coming she said, "What do you mean, you can fly?"
"Just that," Clark said. "I can fly. I was hoping to fly us places."
Lana laughed, but caught herself. "This isn't funny, Clark. I want to make plans!"
Clark stood up and offered Lana his hand. Still looking a bit miffed, she took it and let Clark lead her to the porch. Once they got outside, Clark leaned down and picked Lana up.
"What are you doing?" Lana asked, laughing.
"Showing you what I mean," Clark replied.
"So, go ahead," Lana challenged him.
"I've already done so. Look down," Clark instructed.
"I am still impressed with Lana's composure," Martha continued. "As opposed to Adam and Becky, Lana did not scream. She very calmly asked Clark to put her down. Then without a word she walked to her car and drove away.
"It was an awful night. Clark was sure that once again he had been rejected and Jonathan and I felt that he was right so were not much help in reassuring him.
"The next morning, Lana knocked on the door. She looked awful – about as bad as Clark, with dark circles under her eyes. I've never been so glad to see anyone in my life. I was certain that she had thought it over and decided it didn't matter to her.
"Hi," Lana said softly.
"Hi," Clark replied, his voice equally soft.
Without either of them noticing, Martha and Jonathan snuck outside to give them privacy.
"Can I… can I come in?" Lana asked hesitantly.
The question made Clark's insides clench. Lana used to come and go into his home without knocking. Had knowing his secret ruined all of that? Without a word, he backed away from the doorway, trying to get control of his emotions. He did not want her to see how much he was hurting.
Lana took Clark's backing away as an invitation to come in and walked past him to take a seat on the couch in the living room. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
Clark, who had been hovering in the doorway, walked over and sat beside her. He wanted to ask what she was sorry for – for him? For walking out yesterday? Because they could no longer be friends? But he could not get the words out.
"I wish I had reacted differently last night. You told me something extremely personal and I'm touched that you shared that with me. I'm sorry I did not know how to let you know that last night," Lana stopped speaking for a moment and looked up. She looked Clark in the eye and took his hand in hers. "I think you are incredible, Clark Kent. I love you and nothing you said yesterday changes that. I know my leaving last night hurt you and I'm sorry. There's nothing I want more than for you to be happy."
Clark smiled and leaned forward to wrap his arms around Lana. "So, you'll travel with me?" he asked.
Lana pulled away from their hug. "We should talk about this." She saw Clark's eyes fall and she tugged on his hand a bit. "I guess I should start by saying that yes, I do still want to spend the next year traveling with you."
Clark smiled a bit, but was not sure what to make of Lana's tone.
"But, I'm not sure if it's the right decision," seeing the look in Clark's eyes, she rushed to explain, "I just… I need time to think this through, Clark. You've had twenty years to adjust to who you are. I've only had a night. I just… I need some time to think. To decide if this is still something that I can do. I don't want to give you any false hope and I just don't feel ready to decide right now."
"It was a long morning and at the end of it, Lana and Clark agreed to think about their plan to travel some more and meet again the next morning," Martha said.
"When Lana came back the next day, she only looked slightly better. Clark actually looked worse. He needs less sleep than the rest of us, so the previous day he looked awful, but it was all emotional. He didn't sleep the next night either, he was so terrified of what Lana would say and the lack of sleep was catching up with him.
"I'm not sure what I was thinking yesterday, Clark. Nothing you told me changes the fact that you are still the same gentle, kind, Smallville farm boy I fell in love with," Lana said almost the instant she walked in. "I'm sorry, it just took me a little bit of time to see that."
Clark was beaming and could not seem to get the smile off of his face long enough to get words out past his throat. Finally, sensing it was not going to happen, he walked up to Lana and dipping his head towards hers, captured her lips in sweet kiss.
Lana smiled as he pulled away, "Clark, there's still a lot to talk about," she clarified.
"Okay," Clark replied quietly. "Whatever you want."
Lana smiled at his happiness. He was like a little boy at Christmas. "I do want to spend the next year with you and I can't wait to see all those wonderful places with you, but Clark, I do want to take things slowly."
"As slow as you want," Clark said, his face serious now. "I know this is hard, Lana."
"But you're worth it, I know you are," she whispered as she moved in for another kiss. She backed away a moment later, "No, no more of that. I really do want to take things slowly."
Clark laughed, happy to see she was going to have as much trouble with that as he was.
"Clark," Lana started and her tone brought a halt to his laughter, "Would you mind terribly if we made plans to meet places while we traveled?" she rushed to explain at the look of confusion in his eyes. "I know you don't need to take a plane to get places and you can't afford to, but my parents are still willing to pay my airfare and I'm just not ready to fly with you yet. I just need a little more time. Besides, I don't have a good reason to tell my parents why I don't need their money anymore."
Clark's eyes looked sad, but he nodded his head. She was right about her parents and he understood her fear, although he wished he did not feel so much that she was afraid of him
"So, for three months Lana and Clark traveled throughout Europe," Martha said, "Clark would meet Lana at the airport for each stop. He came home often during that time – maybe once a week. For the first month of the trip, he came home with his eyes alight with the things he was seeing and experiencing. But there were also changes taking place. Clark had never spent time in large cities before. When he was in Smallville, he had not really had much opportunity to share his gifts with others except to help Jonathan on the farm.
"But as he traveled, he realized how much he could do to help people. He started going out at night, dressed in black so as not to be seen, saving people and diverting small natural disasters. He was really enjoying it; he felt like he had finally determined what he was here for. But, slowly the joy he felt was slipping away.
"At the end of three months, Clark came home with his things. Lana had never gotten to the point of wanting to progress their romantic relationship. As Clark started going out in his black outfit more and more she got increasingly agitated with him.
"Finally, they both decided it wasn't working. Lana said she couldn't share him with the world. Clark asked how she expected him to stand by when he could do so much, and Lana said she understood the dilemma, she just thought she deserved more than he could give her.
"Additionally, Clark was constantly feeling the need to move on when he felt like others were starting to link him to the help he was providing. This was fine while they were traveling, but understandably, Lana felt that this was no way to live a life.
"Clark stayed home for two weeks feeling depressed, before he started traveling again. While he got over the blow from Lana, it had taken its toll. Clark became convinced that he would never get the opportunity to settle down and have a life unless he gave up helping others.
"Over time, Clark moved on, but never seemed as happy as we would have liked him to be.
"And then he met you.
"In the first week he met you, we knew he was in love. His whole face lit up when he spoke about you in away we hadn't seen since Lana. And the things he said were so much more realistic. While I know Clark adored Lana, I never felt like his crush moved on from the silly schoolyard one it started out as. But from the beginning, Clark spoke of your faults as well as your strengths. And he beamed regardless of which he talked about.
"And then when you met Superman, he let himself hope again. You seemed so taken with the superhero, Clark thought you might be the one person who could accept that part of him. The only sticking point was that you seemed less than taken with Clark.
"Which brings us to the main point of this – understanding what went through Clark's mind the day he died. And I know you think the whole thing is a fallacy, but the truth is, Lois, Clark Kent died that day, regardless of whether the body that held Clark Kent did. One thing you need to know about Clark – he always said that Clark is who he was, Superman is what he can do.
"Clark was crushed when he was shot. When he reached us, he looked so lost. Jonathan immediately pointed out that he could just go back to Metropolis and be Superman, but Clark quickly responded that that wasn't enough – Superman's relationship with Jimmy and Perry was cordial, but they weren't friends. And even his relationship with you was not the same as Clark's.
"Honestly, we only talked about you briefly the first night. Maybe this was selfish, or maybe it wasn't, but Clark really didn't think you'd be that upset. He said he thought it was better not to talk to you – he thought you'd be upset that night, but move on fast and seeing Superman may just depress you, reminding you that Superman and Clark were friends.
"But the next day, Perry called. He mentioned that you were devastated. Clark was stunned to hear it and immediately began talking about going back to Metropolis to tell you that he was alright. He had even flown above the farmhouse when Lana showed up, calling to him.
"Lana married Adam a few years before that and they live a few towns over from Smallville. Clark hadn't talked to her since they came back from Europe years ago, so you can imagine his surprise when she showed up.
"Lana had heard the news about Clark's death and had come over to say how sorry she was. She knew how important 'Clark' was to Clark. I think…, no, I know, that she really was just trying to help. I need to keep reminding myself that Lana is a good person – she really is. She didn't mean to keep breaking my boy's heart." Martha's voice broke. She took a few ragged breaths before continuing.
"Clark," Lana called out the window, as she turned down the driveway. Clark looked up in shock, he had checked to make sure he was alone before taking off and had not noticed the car coming down the road.
He dropped from the sky in surprise. It had been years since he had seen Lana. "Hi, Lana," he called to her as she exited her car.
"Do you have a minute?" Lana asked, as if she and Clark were still best friends.
"Actually, I was on my way out. Could you wait maybe an hour? I have an errand to run," Clark said.
"Clark, I heard. You're dead. What sort of errand does a dead man have to run?" she grinned at him.
Clark's face was grim at the reminder of the current situation. "I know, but I do have something I need to do."
"More important than seeing an old friend?" Lana asked.
Clark glanced at the ground. "I need to see someone in Metropolis," he explained. At Lana's raised eyebrows, he continued, "She's so upset about my death, Lana. I need to let her know that I'm really okay."
"Oh, Clark," Lana said, her voice full of compassion and pity. "Are you sure you really want to do that?"
Clark smiled at her softly, "Thanks for the concern, Lana, but I need to go. I love her and I can't stand the idea of her hurting. There's no other way to make her feel better. And I know I can trust her with this. She's my best friend."
"But Clark, take a minute and really think this through. How will it really help her to know that you're alive? What is she going to do? She'll still need to act like she thinks your dead."
"But acting like she thinks I'm dead is different than thinking it," Clark said, although he sounded less convinced now than before.
"Clark, I think you're great. You know I do, but what can you really offer this woman now that you're dead?"
Clark looked at the ground. He had been all set to interrupt her. How was he supposed to know that Lana thought he was great? He had not talked to her in years. But he decided to put that aside and think about the question Lana asked instead.
What could he really offer Lois? "Comfort," he said to Lana as he thought of it.
"For how long, Clark?" Lana asked, placing her hand on his arm. "How long will she really feel better once she realizes there's no hope for Clark Kent to ever be alive again?"
"It's different than with you, Lana. Lois is the closest thing Superman has to a friend."
"But what would that be like for the two of you when there is no Clark? Could Superman and Lois have a real relationship? Look, Clark, I'm not trying to be mean here. But before you go to see her, think about what you can really offer her as Superman and if that would really make her happy."
Martha's voice cracked and she cried silently for a minute before taking a deep breath and talking again.
"Maybe Clark should have known better, but it was so deeply ingrained in him – he had learned only too well that no one could want him for who he really was. He was left feeling like without Clark he had nothing to offer you and you were better off thinking he had died than knowing he hadn't but was nothing more than a freak now. His words, Becky's words, not mine," Martha said to Lois' look of surprise.
"He rethought about telling you every few months for the first two years. But each time he'd come back to those hurtful thoughts – that he had nothing to offer you. Jonathan and I tried to tell him that this wasn't true, that you were different. Even Jonathan, who had never wanted Clark to tell anyone. But each time Clark would say that it was true that you're different, you wouldn't want him to feel like you didn't want him as Superman, but in reality, like Becky and Lana, you wouldn't want him like that. And it wasn't fair to you – you deserved better than to be with a freak."
Martha paused, and Lois still sat in silence not sure what to say. Both women were startled by a knock at the door. Lois, on shaky legs, walked over to open it. And then gasped.
Clark leaned on her doorway, dirty and worn looking. There were multiple tears in his suit, circles under his eyes (which Lois had never seen before), and cuts on his arms and face. He said nothing, just looked at her silently. Lois grabbed his hand and pulled him inside.
He showed no surprise, or even recognition, of his mother being there and said nothing for a moment. Then, without a word, he crumbled to the ground.