In Love with a Memory.
AN: Wow, well this chapter turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would be. Maybe I went overboard? But I'm still glad I got to fit the Cartman stuff into this one. I'm going to have to do a Cartman POV in one of the next few chapters I'm sure.
Shades of Grey:
Kyle
As I continue to unpack some of my belonging into the recently designated guest room-formally known as my bedroom, I ask myself again "What in hell I am doing here?"
I can't say that my first day back in South Park went exactly as expected, seeing as I never really had any idea what I'm putting myself in for in the first place.
Apart from Kenny, who seems to have welcomed me with open arms, I'm still clueless as to how my return has been received.
Undoubtedly the news has spread halfway across town by now, as I've already heard 3 people come to the door to chat with my father about it, and it isn't even past noon on my second day back yet.
It's not like I've been flaunting my presence around town or anything. In fact I think I've only been seen by a handful of people so far, and so it's not surprising that the sticky beaks of this town have started dropping by to affirm the rumour already.
I'm sure that people will talk. Spread rumours. Speculate as to why I've come back. But right now there's only one opinion in town I'm concerned about, even if I'm flat out scared to face it.
I've been half expecting Stan to come bursting into the house any second all morning, having overcome his initial shock and now ready and willing to rip my head off for how crap of a best friend I turned out to be.
I regret that I hurt him so much, it was never intentional, I was just...young and...well, scared I guess.
That night, at the going-away party I rather wish had never happened, I had taken Stan out back because... plainly, He had been the one and only person I'd wanted to be with at the time. He'd had one too many drinks and I had downed a few over the course of the night myself, but that was nothing too unusual and I just wanted to hang out some more with my best friend in the whole world. Plain and simple.
Plus there was the issue of my leaving which we'd barely even discussed at that point. He had known about it for about a week. I'd known for about a month. He'd gotten really pissy at me for not telling him of the plans sooner, and he'd wasted much of that past week not even talking to me because of it. So naturally, as soon as we got around that corner wall, the discussion had started off in that direction.
Perhaps if I were in that same situation now I would be a little more suspicious. The arguing, the pleading, the alcohol, the small smiles, the sad laughter, the teary eyes, the promises. The embraces. Maybe I was just too innocent? Or maybe it was because Stan and I had always been so very close like that?
...I just never saw it coming.
When he had grabbed me and kissed me and told me that he was in love with me, I had been scared out of my wits.
Not once had I thought of him that way, and it had never even crossed my mind that he could possibly think of me like that. What do you say when your life long best friend lets out a potentially world shattering revelation like that? I mean, we had always loved each other. But that's different from being in love, isn't it? I had always been so very sure that it was.
And as much as I'd wanted and tried to believe him when he later argued that it had all been just a drunken mistake caused by his distress over me leaving, I had never really been fully convinced.
I could simply sense that he was lying to me.
Over the next two days that followed I had tried my very hardest to put that night behind us and forget all about it, but...I just couldn't. There were so many little things that he did, that I wouldn't have batted an eyelash at before, which all of a sudden were freaking me out. The small touches, the sideways glances, and how he watched me when he didn't think I could see.
With every passing hour over those last 3 days...I'd thought that I could feel Stan inching us closer and closer to where we had been on that one night. I was so scared that he was going to end up making a move again. When I look back now I realise that I was probably just being paranoid. But by my second night at his house I simply couldn't stand it anymore.
I'd come to the conclusion that Stan and I were finished. I just couldn't see at the time how I could ever come to accept or even ignore what had happened that night. Stan's actions…and what they implied. He had abruptly changed the whole mood of our relationship.
Being surrounded by Stan then, I all of a sudden didn't feel protected and secure anymore, I felt nervous and uncomfortable and it was distressing. He had always helped shelter me from such feelings, as I had him in our own little world, but suddenly he was the cause of the pain and not the cure. My little sheltered bubble of an existence was no more, and I'd felt lost, and confused, and had just needed to get away.
Back then I'd thought that the outing of Stan's feelings had come with perfect timing. I had used my moving away as a perfect excuse to run from the situation and not have to face it.
I realised later on that it had actually been extremely bad timing. If I had not have been moving away, Stan would never have revealed such feeling, whether true or alcohol induced, and I would have been able to go on being his very best friend, completely oblivious and contently that way.
However, my moving away with my family had been pretty much unavoidable, and so then... so had been Stan's actions? Maybe this whole situation was inevitable. But that still doesn't change the fact that I regret what a mess I made of it.
...I had given up on us.
And I recognise now just how selfish of an error that was.
Stan had been willing to deny his own desires, then and forever, just to keep our friendship, and I hadn't even been able to ignore my own paranoid mind and that one stupid mistake of a kiss. I really did deserve the worst best friend in the world award. He quite rightfully-
There's a knocking at the door and my heart stops.
When I don't answer, it clicks open and a ruffled head of black hair appears, followed by a pair of brown eyes and a cautious expression.
"What do you want Ike?" I ask, exasperated.
"Oh Nothing." He replies casually. "Just I've barely seen you since you got here yesterday, been half wondering whether you've gone and died up here or something." He finishes with a smirk.
"Is that all?" I inquire, trying to keep my voice calm when all I really want to do is to tell him to piss off.
"Well, No it's not actually."
I grumble and get up from where I had been kneeling on the floor sorting my belongings.
"Dad wants to know whether you'll be joining us for lunch at the table now?"
What? Don't tell me he wants a sit down family lunch every day now? I sigh
"Yeah Yeah, okay, I'm coming." I drone, placing some books on the desk and strolling past Ike out the door.
I'm a little annoyed to hear that his voice follows me as I head down the stairs.
"So, how did you're first run in with Stan go?" He asks as we enter the kitchen.
I pause and turn on him. "How do you know I've seen Stan already?" I ask sceptically.
"Uh Well, Try you've been sulking up in your room ever since you got home yesterday!"
"Shouldn't that be enough of a clue as to how it went then!?" I seethe, "...Plus I wasn't sulking I was unpacking!"
"You just contradicted yourself you know"
"Shut up, I know I did, but I wasn't sulking. Okay?"
"Well, how'd it go then!?" Ike asks again and I know that he isn't going to let it rest.
"Bad." I sigh, leaning up against the kitchen counter and fiddling with a green apple from the fruit bowl. "He hates me" I add finally, choosing to look at the apple instead of Ike.
"Did he say that?"
"Well...No."
"Then how do you know that-"
"I just know OK!" I push, wanting this conversation to be over. This is definitely not the sort of stuff I want to discuss with my little brother.
"It's cos of how you ditched him after he kissed you right?"
My mouth hangs agape.
"Goddamnit! How in hell do you know about that?" I demand loudly, banging the apple on the counter.
Ike looks down at the apple and raises an eyebrow before lifting his eyes back to my inevitably red face. "Kyle, I've been coming here every school break for 3 years, as if I wouldn't have found out."
Wait.
"You mean...Everyone knows!?" I ask in horror and Ike laughs.
"No, not everyone knows. The boys tried to hush it up to save Stan some face, but it still managed to leak a bit."
"Great." I declare, dripping in sarcasm.
Discarding the apple and making my way into the dining room, I slump into my chair at the table and eye the plate of food dad has prepared. Raw veggies, salad and fish. It looks edible.
"I hope you boys have washed your hands?" My father asks as he enters the room and takes his seat.
"Yes dad." I answer with a lie and chomp down on a stick of celery. Ike gives me a knowing look.
What is this anyway, an attempt to be a normal family now?
"What's with the sour face?" Dad asks and I try to ignore him.
"Boy Troubles." Ike pipes in and I throw what's left of my celery stick at him, which is quickly returned.
"Hey, Hey, Hey! That's enough!" Dad exclaims, grabbing the celery from where it has landed on the table. "It's your second day here together and you're already fighting? That's not like you boys at all!"
I grumble and return to my meal.
My father turns to Ike with a questioning look and I spot my brother nodding vigorously and darting his eyes in my direction. I have the immediate urge to fling my slab of fish at him now. But I resist.
So it's Ike and my father verses my personal life now is it? That's just perfect.
I finish my lunch, thank Dad for the meal and leave the table as soon as possible, retreating back up to my room.
At least Kenny will be finishing work soon. Why he'd want to work Saturday mornings I have no idea, but that's his prerogative. Anyway, he'd said last night that he would drop round again to hang out after work, and I've been trying unsuccessfully to whittle the hours away until that time.
The last thing I wanted to do when I got here was become reliant on someone. I had made a point over the last few years to be completely independent. But now, to put it bluntly...being back in South Park I suddenly feel the great need for some protection. I really am rather scared to face this alone. And so if Kenny is willing to stick by my side through this, I am going to unashamedly take that support. ...I just have to remind myself not to hide behind it.
I realise that I'll be walking a bit of a thin line here. Hanging around with Kenny is the best way to get close to Stan again, but I also have to be careful that I don't seem to be stealing Kenny away from Stan. That will only make things about 10 times worse between us. Stan's old best friend coming back into his life, only to steal his new best friend away from him!? Can you imagine, what a nightmare.
At least...I assume that Kenny and Stan are best friends. So far Kenny hasn't been forthcoming enough to actually clarify what their relationship is exactly. But there were some definite little tips in there yesterday that said that they were more than just close friends. They are definitely a lot closer than they were before I left.
Maybe...?
No. I think Kenny would have definitely told me if they were... Plus he would never be this eager to see me here now if that were the case. But there's definitely something...something strange between them. Maybe something has happened between them previously? May-
No. That's enough speculating. I'm sure Kenny will tell me soon enough. Or I'll just have to subtly drop the question into one of our convocations. Either way, does it really matter anyway? Does it?
I shake my head in loss and check the time on my bed side alarm clock. Sighing, I quickly resign to spending the next ¾ of an hour until Kenny is due to arrive finishing the reorganisation of my new old room.
And although it's not the most exciting of tasks, the next hour goes by quicker than I would have ever thought possible.
A sudden rap on the door startles me.
"C-Come in." I call, and a blond, roughly styled head of hair peeks around the door frame, followed by a devilish white grin.
"Hey Dude, what's up?" He asks gently through his smile, closing the door after him.
"Meh. Just perched on the edge of a cliff, wondering whether I dare jump or not. The usual. You?"
"Yeah….Same" He shrugs casually, and we both laugh at the absurdity.
"If you want, I can give you a push?" He teases.
"I just might need it." I finish with another laugh, as Kenny takes a seat next to me on my single bed.
I find it astounding just how comfortable I feel being around Kenny already, when really this is only our second meeting in nearly 3 years. I realised this last night. There's just something about Kenny...I don't know what it is, but...I feel like I'll never have to explain myself to him. He just takes everything in his stride and is frank and in your face and somehow that makes me feel like it would be alright to tell him everything. That's strange I know. But it feels natural to just talk with him about anything, to let your guard down, to even...well, flirt with him really. It all comes so naturally that it's bordering on somewhat creepy.
Does he have this affect on everyone? Maybe I should have paid more attention to him in our younger years. I never really did get to know Kenny all that well.
"So, You ready for this!?" he asks in an upbeat tone "I'm taking you over to the basketball court again for a real game this time! All the guys from school will be there." He says with a nudge of the elbow.
"Why will everyone be there? You didn't tell them all I'd be coming did you?" I grown. I don't really want a big turnout, I'd rather not get mobbed with questions.
"Well, us guys usually like to catch up about once a week to hang out and play a game anyway, usually football though. So it's just the weekly catch up game really." He nods, and I raise my eyebrow, unconvinced.
"Okay, well maybe I told one or two people that you would be there." He admits with a grin and I push him away from me.
"Great, so it's spread by now right?" I ask and Kenny nods.
"Well I guess I would have to meet up with everyone again some time anyway." I sigh, defeated.
"Why, Is little Kylie scared to meet all his old friends?" He teases in a baby voice, and when I don't bite back he continues in a more sensible tone. "Don't worry, I'll be there. It won't be that bad." He chuckles.
"Will Stan be there?" I ask, and then feel myself redden slightly when I realise how forward I just was.
"I don't know. He might be." Kenny shrugs.
"Does he know I'll be there?" I figure that if he does, then he won't want to come. I'm unsure myself whether I want him to be there or not. But I can't avoid this forever, so I guess I...do?
"I didn't tell him, but I think he has probably figured as much." Kenny answers.
"Oh." I conclude lamely.
"It'll be fun anyways, you'll see." Kenny reassures me, swinging his legs up onto the bed and reclining out fully behind me with his arms resting behind his head.
I turn to face him and browse him up and down with a bemused look. "Well, you sure make yourself at home quickly don't you." I state with a laugh, and Kenny only grins back. "Comfortable there?" I ask to his closed eyes.
"I'm always comfortable in someone else's bed." He states very matter-of-factly, and I snort, not doubting it.
"You know," Kenny starts, opening his eyes and raising himself into a sitting position so that his face is now only 2 feet from mine. "...There's a big secret that I haven't let you in on yet." He confesses, wiggling his eyebrows and waiting for me to bite the bait.
"What is it?" I ask rather reluctantly, but still amused all the same.
"I'm Bi." He announces clearly and I snort again.
"And that's a secret!?" I ask sarcastically, still laughing in disbelief.
Kenny pouts. "Well no, but...well it's new to you!" He finishes defensively.
"I already guessed as much." I inform him with a smile.
"Damn, am I really that obvious!? You're telling me that all this time I only thought I was sly?" He asks, mocking himself and laughing.
I realise that now that we're on the topic, this would be the perfect moment to weasel out some information about Stan and Kenny's relationship. But I have to think this through and do it tactfully, there are thing I want to know, but-
"Have you and Stan ever...?" I begin but quickly realise how wrong that was going to come out. Kenny bursts out laughing and I want to smack myself in the forehead. Goddamnit, whatever happened to being subtle Kyle!?
"Me and Stan!? No-no-no-no! Nothing has ever happened between- Well actua- No, never mind. The answer is no." He finishes, still laughing.
My forehead creases. I'm not sure what the hell to make of that. Was there a hesitation there?
Kenny sees my confused look and shrugs "I've just never fancied Stan is all. I mean...Fuck, he's attractive enough, right. But...it's just not there, you know? On the other han-"
"Has Stan had many relationships since I left then?" I butt in, figuring I may as well be blunt now.
Kenny looks away from me now and lays himself back down on the bed with a sigh. "He hasn't had any boyfriends if that's what you're getting at."
"Wha- no, I..."
"He's not that way...exactly. Stan. He's just...one complicated creature, that boy. Let's just leave it at that." Kenny says before closing his eyes again and stretching.
I simply sit there and blink in confusion. This is not exactly the way I'd wanted this conversation to go.
"That's not really what I meant." I hurry to explain.
"Oh I'm sure it's not," he continues now with a smile. I can taste the sarcasm and I frown down at him again. His eyes are still closed and he takes a deep breath before he continues in a much less interested tone.
"He's had a few chicks over the years, but nothing at all close to a serious relationship. He has commitment issues." Kenny admits, and then abruptly opens his eyes and pins them on mine again. I'm unable to stand it for more than a few seconds and I turn my eyes instead on the rest of my un-inhabited looking room.
"Oh..." I mumble. I'm not sure whether this is welcome news to me or not.
I feel relieved and yet somewhat disappointed as well. But more so I'm feeling perplexed over the fact that Kenny seems to be angry at me now, and I have no clear idea why. Has he suddenly realised that he shouldn't be this nice to me? Has he now remembered what a shit friend I was to Stan?
I want to change the subject now. I want to have the smiling, flirty Kenny back on my side.
"Look Kyle," Kenny starts and I jump and turn to him again. "I know what happened that one night at your going away party. I know all about what happened between you and Stan, ...and quite frankly I think the whole thing was stupidity. But the point is, with you returning to South Park now, you're wanting Stan's friendship back, am I right?"
This unexpected burst of honesty sends my mind spinning and I'm left speechless. There's only one coherent thought which forms in reply. Yeah I want Stan back.
I nod numbly in answer.
Kenny genuinely smiles now and I feel a small weight lift off my shoulders.
"As I thought. Well, I can tell you it's not going to be an easy ride. Stan is still pretty cut up about the whole thing. But don't worry, there's no avoiding the inevitable anyway! Come on!" Kenny finishes, pushing me up off the bed and getting up himself.
"What?" I ask in shock
"I'll be by your side the whole time. Don't Stress!'" Kenny answers.
"Wh- Avoiding the inevitable? That's meant to be reassuring is it? " I reply in alarm.
"My constant presence not comforting enough for you?" Kenny jokes as he tries to usher me towards the door. "Come on, we have to go now." he states, looking at his wrist watch. "All the guys will be there waiting by now."
"What? We could have left as soon as you got here! We didn't have to sit around here talking." I exclaim, not understanding his logic at all. Kenny's grin only grows wider.
"It just wouldn't do not to make a late entrance." Kenny explains as we walk down the stairs and I turn and glare up at him. "Plus then we wouldn't have had this lovely revealing talk now, would we?"
I can't believe him. I just... He... I am so out of my league here.
Letting out a growl in frustration, I follow him out the front door. All feeling of annoyance fades however, as I catch site of the car parked by the curb which Kenny is walking towards. My eyes widen.
It's a bright orange mustang with black stripes running across its full length.
You've got to be joking.
"Kenny! Is that-?"
"Yep!" he turns to grin at me and rests his arm on the hood. "It's Farmer Joes old bomb. Remember that day back in junior high when I spotted the old rusted out beauty out on his ranch and said that one day she'd be mine?"
"Yeah, but I didn't exactly take you seriously." I gape at the chrome bumper and rims.
"She had way too much potential to let her rust out by that shed." Kenny explains, his hand stroking the line following the top of the door. "This car was the first real thing I bought after I'd earned a bit of money. Of course I spent way more on fixing her up than I did buying her from Joe, he was basically happy to have the old thing taken off his hands." He laughs. "Well...Come on, let's go."
Kenny climbs into the car and I walk around and hop into the passenger seat next to him. He revs up the engine, and even though I admit that I'm not big on cars, it sounds pretty damn hot to me.
It's less than a 5 minute drive to the sporting grounds, and the trip goes by much quicker than I am ready for.
I realise as we turn a final corner that we are now only 2 blocks from the basketball court. Only 2 blocks from facing all my old school friends, from this encounter I've been dreading, from Stan. My chest constricts in slight panic and I wonder if I'm at all ready for this.
We pull up into the gravel car park and I can see already that a group of at least half a dozen figures have paused and are watching from the court as this obnoxiously orange car comes to a stop in one of the many empty spaces.
Whatever they were doing beforehand, playing a game or just chatting, the activity appears to have abruptly ceased now, and I'm finding it very hard to get up the nerve to even open the car door. There are so many eyes on us.
Kenny gets out beside me and I try not to think too much as I reach for my own door handle and step out of the car myself.
It's going to be fine. Just stay cool. Don't be nervous. And whatever happens, don't lose your head.
As we walk over the small embankment toward the court the group starts to move towards us and I try to note who's here.
I see that Clyde and Craig have returned from yesterday, accompanied now by Token, as the group of three move in our direction first. I spot Butters next, who hasn't changed one bit, and Tweek as well. I'm less than pleased to notice Cartman near the back of the group, and then my eyes fall on the last person on the court.
Stan hasn't moved from his original spot as everyone else moves towards us. I vaguely notice Craig give a greeting as he reaches us, and I'm clapped on the back by Token, but I continue to look directly over the approaching group at the now lone figure. Stan simply stares straight back and it's only when my attention is momentarily diverted by Clyde nudging me in the side that our gazes part. When I look back over Stan has turned away and is now bouncing the basketball towards the ring.
"So, I heard from these guys here that you are back in town for good." Token comments, indicating towards Craig and Clyde who both grin. "Tell me it's not true right?" He laughs "What would you want to come back to this shit hole for?" he jokes and I laugh.
"Well it's half true." I reply, smiling and browse everyone's faces, as I'm aware they're all listening in for my answer. "I'm just taking a bit of a break here, a holiday of sorts. Probably just for a few months though."
"Ah, you just couldn't stay away from us could you?" Craig butts in, putting his arm around my shoulder.
"Get off him." Clyde and Kenny sing out in unison as Clyde pulls me away from Craig.
"He's only been here for one day. Jesus!" Kenny finishes and everyone laughs at a joke I apparently don't get.
"So where are you staying then Kyle?" Butters asks uncertainly and I just have to smile.
"Just in my old house, with my dad, and Ike whenever he has school brake." I answer and Butters smiles back.
"Jeeze, it's all got to be very exciting for you." He laughs nervously.
"It'd be too much pressure for me!" Tweek pipes in with a twitch.
"You realise you're the new talk of the town now, right?" Token says, rolling his eyes and pointing at Craig and Clyde again. "These idiots here were both calling me nonstop last night to make sure I would come back to town this weekend to see you. Sorry about that, you should just ignore them really. I think being stuck in this small town is getting to their heads already. They seem to think that this weekend is going to go off now that you're here."
"What?" I ask, half laughing. This is a joke right?
"Yeah man! You're so coming out with us to celebrate this." Clyde pipes in next to me. "We'll show you one hell of a night!" he grins.
"Hey! Hey! I'll be the one showing him round thank you!" Kenny contests as he comes to stand between Clyde and I. I'm feeling like a bit of a yo-yo here. "Besides, I work at GroundZero. It's great, you'll love it there Kyle." He reassures me.
"But I'm not 21 yet-" I rebuff
"Na, that's not a problem dude. I'll take care of that. Don't worry." Kenny insists
"Sweet. GroundZero tonight it is! And then party back to my place afterwards!" Craig cheers, and a few people join him.
"At your place? After the last time?" Clyde asks sceptically and everyone but me laughs.
"Na, it'll be sweet dude, you'll see." He promises me, and I bite back on the urge to tell everyone that I'm not really into drinking anymore.
"As I said," Token hisses next to me, "It's small town fever. And they wonder why I up and moved out?" he asks and we both laugh.
Dear god, this is going to be a long day.
"Ah," Token's eyes focus on a point somewhere over my shoulder. "Looks like our final player is here." He comments, and we all turn to see.
"Thomas!" Craig calls and bounds away from the group.
Thomas? I look up to see a blond guy jogging towards us and I immediately recognise him.
Jesus, It's tourettes Thomas, I haven't had a thought on him in years. He was never really a part of our larger group, seeing as he didn't go to school with any of us and Craig seemed to really be the only one who had ties with him. However, he was always popping in and out of our scene, a small get together here, a party there, and I happen to remember that he's a really great guy...once you get over his little...affliction.
I laugh as I see him recoil slightly from Craig's over enthusiasm and then blast out a string of obscenities at him where a greeting was obviously meant to go. Craig never seemed to mind that much though.
"Sorry I'm- Cock!- Late guys!" He puffs as he reaches us, and I try not to laugh again. "Hockey Practice ran over time. Hope you weren't waiting on me!?" He finishes and I hate that I'm consciously counting the swear words already.
"It's no problem really" Token reassures him. "We've been hounding Kyle here with questions for the last 10 minutes anyways." He rolls his eyes again and we all smile.
Thomas greets me with a friendly handshake and comments on my being back in town, in between the curses, and soon the questions have started up again.
This goes on for a couple more minutes before I start to get tired of everyone's eyes being on me. I'm not really comfortable being the centre of attention like this. And the longer this verbal mugging goes on the more it seems that Stan is getting frustrated over there.
At first he was getting most of his shots in. But now he's getting barely any, as most of them bounce violently off the ring or the back board.
I wonder what he could be thinking right now?
Looking away from Stan, I focus again on the words Clyde is speaking.
I've been glancing over at Stan as little as possible over these last few minutes, but that still comes to a total of about 20 times so far. A few of the guys have been giving me what look like knowing looks when I switch back from looking at Stan, and a few of them have been turning and glancing over at him as well. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but the signs seem to say that they all know about what has happened between me and Stan, which makes me a little more nervous.
I'm just glad that no one seems to want to be the one to bring it up.
I want to walk over to Stan right now. As much as I'm scared of it, I want the confrontation to happen now, because I want us to get back to being normal as soon as possible. And I don't want Stan to be left out like this. I glance over at him again.
"So, are we going to play a game or what!?" I ask the group as a whole, breaking off their questioning and smiling, indicating towards the closet hoop.
"Hell Yeah." Clyde answers and most others nod or voice in agreement.
Kenny turns to Stan now.
"Stan! Get up here. We're going to start." He calls.
"About time." Stan replies, dribbling the ball right past me without so much as a look and handing it to Kenny.
I just happen to turn my eyes on Cartman at this moment. I'd almost forgotten was here, he's been so quite. I note as he switches from watching Stan's movements to looking straight at me. He raises his eyebrows and smiles at me then, and I scowl back at whatever he may be implying before turning away.
Okay, so maybe Stan's still a little bitter, but...it will all turn out alright soon, I'm sure. I just have to be patient, and find the right time to approach this. That's all.
I join the group where they have gathered around Kenny.
"Ok, so how're we going to do this? Well 5 to a side obviously, bu-"
"Can we have two people sitting off?" Butters pipes in. "You know, for if someone gets tried, they can swap and take a rest?"
"What?" I ask with a laugh. And Kenny groans.
"Aw, come on guys, give Butters a break." Cartman complains.
"Just because you can't play a whole game without having a heart attack, tubby." Clyde calls and Cartman swears back at him.
"Fine Butters. Ok, 4 to a side plus 1 spare each." Kenny answers, and rolls his eyes slightly when Butters is no longer looking.
"Who's going to pick the teams?" Kenny asks the group.
"Kyle should pick one." Clyde puts in and everyone nods in agreement.
I try to turn the place down, but no one is having it.
Thomas is eventually chosen to head the second team, pushed mostly by Craig, and suddenly I'm faced with the very dilemma I had been dreading.
"Okay Kyle, you pick first." Kenny says, and he gives me a wink which confuses me even more.
Oh Crap.
I can't help it. My eyes turn straight to Stan. He has always been my first choice.
Can I pick him first now? What's he going to think if I do? Is that the right thing to do? Or is that being way too presumptuous? We're not even on friendly terms at this point. But what's it going to imply if I don't pick him?
Fuck, I'm so screwed.
And the worst part is that I can feel myself turning red as everyone watches me fuddle over this. God, I must be so obvious.
Do I dare pick Stan? Or do I dare not pick him? Kenny would be the safer option. Stan or Kenny? Kenny or Stan? Kenny? Stan? Kenny? Stan?
"K-Kenny." I stutter out finally and right away regret making that last second decision. What the fuck? I should have just gone with it and picked Stan first. What's wrong with me?
Kenny comes to stand beside me and whispers in my ear as Thomas sighs and makes Craig his first choice. "You were meant to pick Stan first, you idiot." He informs me and I hiss back that I know.
I pick Stan next, because as well as knowing that I should have chosen him first, I realise that if I don't end up picking him at all, I really will be screwing myself over. Big time.
Stan shows very little emotion over my decision, and I can't deny that I'm disappointed; I had been hoping at least to get a small smile back. He comes to stand next to Kenny and not me. This really isn't turning out well already, I'm going to have to hurry up and do something to turn his mood around and soon. I can't stand having Stan hate me for too much longer.
Within a few more seconds I have Token and Butters on my team also, and we are ready to start the game. Butter sits off first, as does Tweek for the other team.
The game begins and instantly it is fast paced and tough. I haven't really played a competitive game of basketball since I finished high school, and I'd almost forgotten how much I loved it, especially being a forward. Up and down the court we move, from one possession to another, and I note how good both Clyde and Token are. I'm glad that I picked at least one of them for my team, or else we might well be getting our asses kicked already.
It's only a couple of minutes in and I'm having a blast. I've shot a 2 pointer already and I suddenly feel like...I belong. I don't feel new or like an outsider. It feels as if I never even left. I want this game to never end.
Stan's been passed the ball and I'm open. I'm clear and I know I can make another shot from here. He turns to me and I beckon with a wide smile. Stan's facial expression changes then and he turns and passes the ball to Token instead.
My feeling of elation is shattered.
What the hell? I was open ...and Token wasn't! That was a stupid move and now Clyde has the ball and is making off in the other direction with it. I mean...I thought that Stan would at least put the bitterness aside for the sake of the game?
It only takes me a few more minutes to realise that Stan is not going to pass to me at all. I feel...lost. What in hell am I meant to do with this? I have to fix it.
I try my hardest to make as many passes to Stan as possible, smiling as I do so in the hopes that he will feel closer as a team and return the open camaraderie, but no. He keeps on ignoring me. I go on trying to stay closer to him, trying to make eye contact with him, trying to include him as much as possible even if it's obviously not what's best for the game. But after being denied yet another clear pass from him, I feel utterly defeated.
I just can't win.
"Butters, you're in." I call as I walk off the court, wiping the sweat off my brow.
"Oh Jeezus." Butters exclaims as he jumps up off the low brick wall he'd been sitting on with Tweek and joins in the game.
I take a seat on the wall with Tweek, but leave some distance between us because I'm no longer in the mood to talk. I'm relieved when he doesn't attempt to start up a conversation at all.
Brooding over my options on what I can possible do to make Stan stop this disconcerting cold-shoulder treatment he's giving me, I am suddenly shaken from my inner thoughts by a loud voice nearby.
"You're on Tweek" I hear and immediately recognise the voice. How could I not?
Looking up I see as Cartman shoos Tweek onto the court. He watches until Tweek is in the game playing, and then he turns on me.
His eyes pin onto mine and I impulsively look away. Immediately I change my mind, turning directly back and staring him down instead. I have no bloody reason to be coy with him!
I note, as he walks towards me with a slight smile on his lips, that in 3 years he hasn't changed all that much. He has grown maybe an inch taller I think, and he's broadened out in the shoulders, I'd classify him more as...chunky now, rather than tubby like he was as a younger teenager. But other than that, and a slight change in wardrobe style, he's not much different at all.
"Hey." He says as he sits down next to me.
"What do you want?" I spit out in an instinctively venomous tone.
Cartman looks shocked. "What? Cant I start up a nice conversation with an old friend?" He asks in a mockingly innocent voice.
"We are not friends." I counter back.
"Now that's no way to treat someone who's just trying to be welcoming." Cartman replies and I turn to him and give him a suspicious look. Whatever he's playing at, I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of reacting to him. If I just continue to act indifferent then he'll soon get tired of it.
"You seem down." Cartman states observantly, and I can't help myself.
"Do I?" I ask sarcastically.
"Well yeah, as if it isn't half obvious, Jew" He says with a laugh. "Something in town is definitely bothering you." He nods.
Turning to directly face Cartman I scowl but stay silent, resisting the urge to say 'yeah, YOU!'
"Now, what in all of South Park could have possibly gotten you down so quickly!?" Cartman singsongs. And I can see exactly where he's going with this now.
"Piss Off" I Growl. Goddamn it, why did I have to reply? WHY?
"I can't really see you having any problems with your dad or brother." He carries on without faltering. "Not now that your bitch of a mother is out of the picture. No... It can't be Kenny; he's been all over you like a school girl with a new puppy. And we've both seen that Craig and Token and all of your other old school chums here have eagerly greeted you back into their midst, All seems well. Why, Even I've come over here to greet you. Now...whooooo's left?-"
"Stop patronising me you fat fuck!" I bark.
"Ah. I should have known." Cartman continues calmly, eyeing the court with a smile.
"DON'T even go there." I growl.
There's a moment of silence, in which I am glaring daggers at him.
...followed by another one.
Wow.
I crease my brow in bewilderment.
It seems that my threats have actually worked. Cartman just looks out at the game...and he's not continuing. I watch him, confused, and then follow his eyes out onto the court. The game is going on as normal, and it seems that my team isn't doing so well now, with Butters in my place. I see him stuff up an easy shot.
"He's changed, hasn't he." Cartman's voice is suddenly quieter and more serious.
My first instinct is to tell him to shut the hell up, as I was so hoping he wasn't going to continue. But then his words sink in.
What?
"Wh...what the hell are you talking about?" I ask, not wanting to jump to conclusions.
"Before you left he used to be cool, by far the most acceptable of the lot of you." Cartman begins and then pauses, still looking out at the game. "...But he's changed now."
I hesitate. "...You're talking about Stan!?" I ask, unsure.
"I saw you out there, all those moves you made, trying to get back into his good books. It was bloody obvious what you were doing. I'm telling you now, I wouldn't bother. He's not the same person as he used to be." He nods again in Stan's direction and I have nothing to say to that.
Could it be true?
"He turned into a giant weeping pussy after you left him, of course." He informs me and I wince. "It took Kenny nearly a year to pull him fully out of that, which was a complete mistake. I would rather have kept Emo Stan instead of that pathetic piece of crap you see over there now. Now all he does is follow Kenny's every footstep, he can't do anything independent of Kenny, he practically wants to be him. It's just SAD. He's just a fucking douche now! He's got his own head so far up Kenny's ass. He's a stuck up wannabe with no ball-"
"Don't talk about Stan like that!" I snarl, clenching my firsts.
I just know Stan can't be like that. It's bullshit.
Cartman snorts.
"You know," He says, turning to me. "You haven't changed one bit Kyle." He smiles, and I falter briefly because it actually seems...genuine? There's not even a trace of malice in it.
"Oh and I suppose you have!?" I counter, smirking back.
"Maybe I have, maybe I haven't." He taunts.
"Funny, to me it seems like you're still the same foul mouthed asshole you always have been." I accuse, but for some reason I'm still smiling.
"I'm only that way now with the few people who piss me off most." He explains, glancing out at the game once more.
"Hm...and I'm not one of the people who piss you off most anymore?" I question with a wily grin "I have noticed that throughout this whole conversation so far you've only mildly insulted my Jewish ancestry. That's rather impressive, you must be really holding back." I put forward and Cartman only shrugs.
"Hmph. Well, after you left, I found other things to occupy my time with, other little projects, new people to harass." He states simply.
"Ha. I'm sure you did" I support with a laugh.
"What's so funny about that?" He asks with an amused glare.
"I suppose you are going to go straight back to harassing me and my people again now that I'm back?" I can't help but ask as I smirk and raise an eyebrow.
Cartman shrugs again but he's grinning now. "I might...I might not. Would it bother you if I didn't, Jew?" He teases.
"It just might." I smile back.
I look into Cartman's eyes for moment and then my previous words hit me.
I almost convulse.
OH DEAR GOD. Was I...were Cartman and I just...flirting!?
No-no-no NO! Definitely not. No way. That's just...
I shudder involuntarily.
Jumping up suddenly from the wall, I decide I have to join in the game again. I have to get away from this wacko conversation, before it gets any stranger. Flirting? With CARTMAN? This is not a change I'm at all comfortable with.
Butters catches my eye from on the court and I discreetly try to indicate that I want to get back on. He gladly obliges and I try to get back into playing mode as quickly as I can, even though my mind is now even more preoccupied than it had been before I went off.
The game only lasts a few more minutes, and Thomas's team ends up winning by only 2 points. Surprisingly I'm not all that disappointed.
"I demand a rematch!" Kenny declares. "Same time same place, next week!" He hollers rather over-dramatically, and most of the guys simply smile and shake their heads at his antics.
"Yeah yeah. Next week, as always." Clyde replies.
"And we'll kick your asses again, as always." Craig finishes and the two high-five.
"Whatever you reckon." Token snorts.
"You'd better come again next week," I smile at Token "Or else they really will kick our butts again." I comment.
"Well our chances weren't really helped by you sitting out for half the game." He counters quietly and I fight not to blush.
"I guess I'm just not quite used to playing competitively anymore." I try to shrug off, but I'm pretty sure that no matter how I put it, Token will not be convinced that the reason I went to sit off was because I was puffed.
He smiles at me and gives me a pat on the shoulder. "Well, you'd better get some practice in before next time then." He suggests, giving me a long look before joining in the argument Craig and Kenny are having.
Jesus, He so saw how frustrated I was getting over Stan actions. Maybe Cartman was right? Maybe I was being disgustingly obvious?
I groan at my own stupidity and utter hopelessness.
And the worst part of all this awkwardness is that Stan and I still haven't even spoken a word to each other in nearly 3 years. For all the good I've done so far I may as well never have come back, all I've accomplished is dragging up all these old feelings and making Stan in a bad mood.
I can't stand the thought of a second day going by without a single word passing between us. If I let it go on like this...it may well be that we never talk to each other again, and I don't think I could stand to stay in South Park like that.
I have to at least say something to him today before we part.
The group goes on chatting for a while, and I keep on day dreaming all the way through it. They've for the most part stopped hounding me with questions, and so I'm not broken from my thoughts too often.
The only person I'm vaguely paying attention to is Stan. Out of the corner of my eye I watch him as he doesn't contribute to the conversation at all. I'm fighting so very hard not to look directly at him, even for just a second. The urge to check just how he's doing, whether he's smiling or frowning or even paying attention at all, is so strong. But I must resist it.
I'm dragged from my thoughts however by a movement from Stan, and I look up abruptly to see him take the ball from Kenny's hands and slips out of the group, walking slowly towards the far hoop instead.
I watch him go, and suddenly realise that now would be the opportune moment to talk with him alone. Over there no one is going to be able to over hear us.
I'm going to take my chance.
Slipping out of the group myself, I hope that I'm going unnoticed as I walk nervously over to the other end of the court.
He has his back turned to me and is bouncing the ball slowly towards the hoop, though with no obvious intention to shoot for the basket.
"Stan?" I ask cautiously as I near him.
He fuddles the ball slightly and I wince at the fact that I caused him such surprise. However, he regains his composure and hold on the ball quickly and turns on me with a glare.
"What?" he asks simply in an annoyed tone, and I'm suddenly at a loss.
"I- ...uh" struggling for words, I falter.
Fuck. What in hell was I planning to say to him anyway? I have to apologise. I have to tell him how I feel. I have to say that I'm sorry. I want to tell him that I need his friendship back more than anything. That I want him back. That I made the worst mistake of my life by leaving him behind like that. That I'm willing to do anything. But all of these things sound absolutely absurd when I go to voice them.
...and so I don't.
"I'm- I was just wondering if you'll be coming out with us tonight?" I blurt out and immediately think what a pathetic save that was.
Stan stares at me for a moment with a not too impressed look on his face before he answers.
"I don't know." He replies, turning away from me now, bouncing the ball a few times and shooting for the ring. "I haven't decided yet." He finishes, sounding very uninterested.
"You should come." I venture tentatively as Stan retrieves the ball. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, I just want to keep it going somewhere. "You know...it could be fun?" I finish lamely.
"Like old times, You're meant to say." Stan spits out bitterly, walking straight past me and shoving the ball into my hands.
Oh crap. I ruined it somehow. I can't let this interaction just end like this.
"Stan!?" I call loudly and he pauses and turns back to face me.
"I'm- I'm Sorry." I rush out. I can feel myself blushing red, and I wait breathlessly for him to reply.
"You should be." He answers and walks off again.
I'm speechless.
I simply watch as he walks up past the group, says a few quick words to Kenny, and then stalks off.
He's leaving?
I gradually make my way back to the group, and try to ignore some of the surreptitious looks I'm getting from the others. Nevertheless, they continue their convocation as normal, and I'm glad for that.
"Well that went well." I hear a quiet voice in my ear and I jump.
Fuck! Urgh. Cartman.
I recoil from him quickly. "He just needs time is all." I insist stubbornly.
"I told you he's changed." Cartman replies, shaking his head in mock grief and I scowl at him as we distance our selves a ways from the group.
"He hasn't changed." I counter, though my words do nothing to reassure myself. "I would still be pissed off at me too." I admit sadly.
"You'll see. He's not worth the bother." Cartman persists and I get annoyed.
"You're just bitter because when Kenny started being best friends with Stan you were shoved aside. You're just jealous. Kenny told me ALL about that story!" I poke at his chest.
Cartman's expression goes strained and he glares me straight in the eye. I can see a true argument pending, bring it on I think as I wait to for his reply. But he blinks then and his eyes fall down to the ground instead.
"...You're right. I am bitter." He admits and I'm visibly shocked. "Kenny was mine... just as Stan was yours. And I wasn't too pleased to become outcast like that."
What the hell? Since when did Cartman express his true feelings like this? The Cartman I knew would have denied my accusations in a heartbeat.
"I guess we're in the same boat, you and I." He continues softly, unsurely, and I am too shocked by the thought to even argue at that point.
His words play over and over in my head.
I guess we're in the same boat, you and I. – we're in the same boat, you and I. – the same boat – you and I.
I wait for Cartman to continue, to try and list out all the ways in which our situations are similar, to which I could easily argue to prove that we're not.
...But he doesn't add any more. He just leaves it at that and turns back to join in the group's banter.
Cartman and I just can't be the same. Our situations are completely different. We're not alike in the slightest...are we?
I'm distracted briefly by Butters and Tweek saying their goodbyes.
"See you guys here next week!" Butters calls as they leave.
"I think I'd best get going too." I hear Cartman voice beside me and I turn on him quickly.
"Guess I might see you all out later tonight then?" He addresses the group and then turns to me and smiles.
I'm still completely freaked out by how...strange Cartman has been acting towards me today, and I nod uncertainly in reply. Do I even want to see him later?
He gives a half wave to the group and then walks off towards the car park. As I watch him go I can't help but start thinking.
Back when he lost Kenny to Stan, could he have felt the same way as I do now?
Just as lost? Just as alone? Just as confused?
No way. This is Cartman we're talking about here. CARTMAN.
But then again-
I think back to how he has been acting today, even though I am still completely suspicious of him and don't truly trust a word he has said. ...I still can't help but wonder.
Maybe...is it possible that Cartman has changed?
It has been 3 whole years. And by the sounds of it from what Kenny has told me, he has been through a lot of crap times- though they weren't due to no fault of his own.
...but is that really all that different from my situation though? My current circumstances with Stan are predominately my fault after all.
Maybe…we are the same?
Urgh! But we're so very ridiculously different! It's impossible.
Sighing, I realise that I'm just digging myself a hole here, and instead of pondering on it any further, I shake my head and watch as Cartman gets into his car and drives off.
It's funny though I admit.
I'd always thought of Cartman as so very Black and White.
But...maybe I was wrong?
-Kinky-Chichi
AN: Man, my Kyle's a bit moody isn't he!? XDDDD ……Please Review?