Hardcore SSX (a.k.a the Eddie and Viggo Show)
I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to actually read this stuff. I was a bit worried that it was too unstructured due to its switch from a flat-out narrative to a play format. I'm glad no one wrote in to say it was too confusing.
Onwards to Chapter Two. I had the story scrawled out a couple of weeks ago, but I wasn't sure how to end it. I wanted to work in a Mac-Kaori-Sid love triangle, but I wanted to leave it open-ended as a lead-in to Chapter Three. Yes, this story is episodic, but there will also be foundations to a continuing narrative thread.
On an unrelated tangent: did anyone notice that there "Ski Free" fanfics on this website? I mean… How are there fourteen stories devoted to a game that came free with Windows for Workgroups 3.11? I'm going to guess that most of them are humorous in nature. Still… "Ski Free"…. That gives me an idea.
CHAPTER TWO: "Ohhh, Viggo!"
The slopes had been peaceful all day. The late morning stillness had been broken only by a flock of snow geese picking at frozen delicacies near a partially thawed lake. The mood changed suddenly, however, as two dark man-sized blurs broke through the woods at breakneck speeds. The flock scattered, leaving clouds of feathers in their wake.
One of the blurs was Eddie Wachowski, a street luger who, for today, has traded in his pavement luge for the original snow variety. Racing beside him was his old rival and current luge apprentice, Mac Frazer.
"Hey!" Eddie called out to the nervous Mac. "For a newbie, you're not doing too bad!"
"Man, what the hell are out talking about?" Mac replied, uncomfortably shifting in his supine position. The luge veered wildly to the left. "Oh, crap! What did I do?"
"That's how you steer, genius!" Eddie said, watching bemusedly as Mac corrected his trajectory.
"You never said anything about that, Einstein," Mac said. "How fast are we going, anyway?"
"Oh, upwards of fifty miles per hour," Eddie said. "We could be going ninety if we weren't wearing these damn ghetto coats!"
The two lugers broke off the untamed slopes to a well-maintained bobsled track. The track followed a steep incline which offered a panoramic view of the mountain range, the wilderness, and the city at the base. For Mac, however, the main concern wasn't the view but the sudden onset of gravity.
"Christ!" Mac yelled, gripping the sides of the sled as it drastically built up speed.
"Lighten up, my young padawan!" Eddie yelled gleefully. "Have you not been on far steeper slopes than this one, have you not?"
"I didn't have to worry about slamming crotch-first into a frikkin' tree!" Mac snapped back.
"Touche, grasshopper," Eddie said. "Anyway, about the show tonight… are you sure you're cool to do it? I wouldn't ask you, but the network insisted…."
"I'm cool," Mac said, his voice suddenly turning grim. "I told you, Eddie, there's nothing there. Kaori and I … we're just friends. It's cool."
"You'd better be sure about that, Mac-a-roon," Eddie said. "I remember, back in my younger days, when I had a relationship with one of my riding partners. Tall, blonde, Canadian, leggy…. I'm a legs man, Mac, you know that. I tried to convince myself that we were just friends. But I realize now that it was all me. I was afraid of commitment, and I didn't want to be tied down. But every time I looked at her in the eyes, I knew she wanted me … in the Biblical way. And now, we're complete strangers, losing out on a romance that would have ranked a 7 on the Top Ten Greatest Romances of all time."
"What the hell?" Mac turned his head with an incredulous look on his face. "Are you talking about Elise? She only liked you because you fixed her computer once! ONCE! For Christ's sake, she was dating Matthew McConaughey during the Tricky Tour! When we get into town, you'd better buy a shovel, because that story is a big load of…"
"Crap!" Eddie yelled, panicked. "Eyes forward, Chief! Inner tube at twelve o'clock!"
Through some deft maneuvering, the two barely missed a collision with a heavily layered kid at the center of a black rubber tube. The force of Eddie's passing luge, however, cause the tube to spin uncontrollably. Mac's luge, following close behind, caused the inner tube to spin even faster, and the kid and his coats soon found himself off-track and air-bound. Fortunately, his flight ended several seconds later when he smacked, face first, into a nearby billboard.
The bill board read "Air Allegra: Buy this Shoe, Sucker," with the freckled snow vixen featured prominently with a mischievous "come hither" grin.
.o°ö'O".O'ö°o.
"…and you top it off with a perfect whipped cream topping to make a lovely 'snow quiche,'" said Martha Stewart as she turned to her special guest. "Wouldn't you say so, Mr. Stark?"
"I don't know, Martha," Psymon said, putting his hand on Martha's shoulder. "I can think of plenty of better uses for whipped cream, if you know what I mean."
Suddenly, Martha pressed a knife at Psymon's throat. "Don't (bleep) with me, (bleep)," she sneered. "When you've been to prison, you learn a few things, and one of them is respect. Are you going to be a good boy, or do I have to rip your (bleep)ing throat out?"
"I'll be a good boy," Psymon said weakly.
Viggo Rollig thoughtfully dipped his yellowtail sushi in his soy sauce-wasabi mixture. "Damn," he said, watching "Martha Stewart Living" on the television. "I never thought I'd say this, but Martha Stewart is hardcore."
Viggo sat at the bar of the Karma Sushi, a popular establishment in the city. The sushi bar's main attraction was that it was all-you-can-eat, which made it the only place in town where boarders could get full on sushi for a decent price. Customers enjoyed the bar's somber Asian decorations --- a confluence of Japanese, Chinese, and Taiwanese décor. Additionally, the tops of the walls were festooned with large flat screen TVs, each of them playing a different Japanese anime.
But, most of all, everyone loved the sushi chef.
Eddie staggered through the door. His mighty afro was caked in snow.
"Hey, partner," Viggo said. "What happened to you?"
"A bit of a minor wipe-out making the last turn into the city," Eddie said, pulling up a seat next to Viggo. "No big deal."
"So, the regular, Mr. Wachowski?" the blonde-haired sushi chef asked in his deep, melodic voice.
"You know what I like, Brodi," Eddie said, clicking his thumb and forefinger like a pistol. "Deep fried crab and shrimp roll with extra cream cheese!"
"So," said Viggo. "How did your meeting with Mac go?"
A Eddie's face turned sour. "He said… he said he'd do it."
"Sweet!" Viggo said, slapping Eddie on the back. "That's what I like to hear! High five!" Ten seconds later, Viggo put his hand down. "Fine," he said, returning to his sushi. "Leave me hanging."
"Call it a hunch, Rollig," Eddie said. "Something tells me that this ain't right. We're not just talking about the sport anymore. We're talking about messing with someone's private life here."
"What can you expect? We're on the Bravo Network. You know, the network that once did a reality show about an L.A. burlesque. Besides, is Mac in love with Kaori?"
"He told me there was nothing there, but…"
"Then we're good. We do the show, we make Bravo happy, then we move onto other things, like the expose on the North West Legend."
Brodi turned around to face the duo. A soft, placid smile spread across his face like light dancing on the sparkling waves. "I must caution you," he intoned, "the matters of the heart are like safety deposit boxes. The outside is flat, cold, and unremarkable. But consider what lies within. Unless the box is unlocked, you never know what treasure lies in the deep recesses."
He place a plate of raw fish in front of Viggo. "An order of albacore, Mr. Rollig." Viggo nodded.
"The Wachowski Roll for you, Eddie…"
"Thanks, man," Eddie said. "It's nice to have something named after me."
"All Sashimi Platter for me, boy," said Luther Dwayne-Grady.
Both Viggo and Eddie jumped up with a start.
"How…" Eddie stammered, "how does a fat ass redneck like you sneak up on us like that?"
"Skeel, baby," Luther said, picking his teeth. "Pure skeel."
HARDCORE SSX: EPISODE 2
(The Hardcore SSX logo explodes and fragments into several pieces. "Hit That" by the Offspring plays in the background. The doodle animation of NIGEL gives way to live footage of the NORTH WEST LEGEND, a Sasquatch, pulling a few tricks on the slope, including the impressive Air Capo. The intro ends with a star wipe and we join our two hosts at the starting point of On the Rocks.)
EDDIE: … telling me that the Legend is real? I always thought it was some guy in a monkey suit.
VIGGO: It's true, check this out. (pulls a pendant that had been underneath his coat) He gave me this Native American talisman when I visited his home once.
EDDIE: His home.
VIGGO: In Vancouver.
EDDIE: You're pulling my leg.
VIGGO: Nope. I'm proud to say he's happily married to the Far East Myth, and he has two wonderful kids. They're my godchildren. I call them my little Ewoks.
EDDIE: Well, that's … freaky.
VIGGO: Shouldn't you be telling us about the medal wrap-up?
EDDIE: Oh, right. (Eddie begins sifting through his papers.) Today was a banner day for the Trick-Tastic event. Several rookies entered with the hopes of snatching up the gold medal, but only one exceptionally skilled athlete could pull off the big air bonuses and the monster tricks to walk away with the bling bling. After a grueling duel that could have swung either way, the champion … was … someone named Tania.
(Camera switches to medal stand. TANIA, wearing too much makeup and dressed in pink and white, does a celebratory dance, then raises his hands with his pinky and middle fingers extended.)
TANIA: I rule! Whooooo!
(VIGGO shakes his head, while EDDIE's face reddens with rage.)
EDDIE: More like, "I suck! Whooooo!" Seriously people, come up with better catch phrases! If I don't hear something different than "I rule"…
VIGGO: Preach it.
EDDIE: … then you leave me and the V-Man no choice but to open up a school with the sole purpose of teaching you how to put together a sentence that has more than two words! And then we will fail you, because you suck!
VIGGO: Testify!
EDDIE: And afterwards, you will go home crying to your mommas, and all she will do is laugh mockingly, because you just failed a class about how to put together a catchphrase! (Eddie catches his breath, eventually calming down.)
VIGGO: In other news, Elise Riggs has signed on for the starring role of Amanda Free in the upcoming summer blockbuster adaptation of the popular video game, "Ski Free." The movie will be directed by Uwe Boll and is scheduled to be in theaters the Summer of 2007. No word yet on who will play the Yeti.
EDDIE: Ima guess it's Duane "The Rock" Johnson. And if I were you, Rocky, I'd pick up the phoned to shop for agents, because you can do much better than "Doom."
VIGGO: Elsewhere, Marisol Diez Delgado debuted her new fashion line, "Sacrilicious" at the remote, yet very scenic, Between the Sheets Lodge.
EDDIE: Heh. "Between the Sheets."
VIGGO: (rolling his eyes) Yes, Eddie, let's mock the name of a course that the tour promoters obviously intended as a double entendre. However, things took a turn for the worse thanks to our old friend, Nigel.
EDDIE: Huh? You mean JP?
(Footage rolls from the lodge at Between the Sheets. MARISOL is standing at an open-air ledge in front of a small press corps and some interested onlookers. Behind her is a clear view of the mountain range. To her left is a rack of yellow-and-green coats festooned with pink furs and glitter. To her right is JP in a NIGEL costume. JP is moving around clumsily in the bulky outfit. He can be heard muttering a few curses in French. To the audience though, he looks like he's dancing.)
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, that crazy NIGEL!
MARISOL: … and I woke up one morning and said to myself: why do snowboarders dress so drab? And all this camo everyone is wearing nowadays. It is not only so militaristic; it's also so drab. That is why I introduce to you "Sacrilicious," a line of fun, exciting outerwear with a hint of spice and a hint of Venezuela…
JP: (muffled) Mon Dieu, I cannot breathe in here! (JP swings the NIGEL costume around. One of his flailing arms smacks MARISOL in the ass. The audience laughs.)
MARISOL: (turning on JP) Oh, no you DIDN'T!
JP: (nervously, but still flailing) You misunderstand, mademoiselle, it was a mistake! This suit, it's… (one of his arms slap MARISOL in the chest.)
MARISOL: Usted es pervertido!
(MARISOL slaps JP, who falls over the railing and starts tumbling down the mountain slope)
JP: (his voice receding as he falls down the mountain) Meeerrrrdddddddeeee!
(We cut back to the announcer table with EDDIE and VIGGO.)
EDDIE: Heh. Not that I blame good ol' JP. I've wanted to slap that fat ghetto booty ever since we raced on the Tricky tour. Let me tell you, Viggo, when the sun hits her fine ass at just the right angle….
VIGGO: (waving his hands) Don't… Stop right there, Eddie. Remember, we're on Bravo Network. Not Spike TV.
EDDIE: Oh, right. Still, I wonder what happened to JP.
VIGGO: Well, viewers lost track of him soon after Marisol pushed him from the top of the mountain. If you have any clues as to his whereabouts, please contact… OH DEAR LORD!
(A GIANT SNOWBALL flies in from the left side of the screen.)
GIANT SNOWBALL: Merrrrrrdddddeeeeeee!
(The GIANT SNOWBALL crashes into the announcer's booth, scattering snow, pieces of table, equipment, and announcers everywhere. A large chunk of snow flies toward the camera and knocks it out.)
(We see the familiar picture of Mac with a thumbs up sign and the message "HARDCORE SSX IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.")
(Commercials this time include an Air Allegra commercial that shows a montage of the snow vixen doing balletic arial tricks to the tune of "Connection" by Elastica, ads for the all new "CSI: Colorado Springs," and a cheap commercial for Rob and Bob's Board Shop --- with a small cameo by an embarrassed Moby. Likely he was walking downstairs from his loft and accidentally found himself in the ad.)
(As we return on the show, where JP is being carted away on a stretcher. EDDIE is frantically trying to maintain his afro with a fro pick. When he sees the camera lingering on him, he waves it away. The camera pans to the right, where two female skiers --- one BLONDE and one BRUNETTE --- are fawning over VIGGO.)
BLONDE: Oh, poor baby.
BRUNETTE: Come by my hotel room later and we can make you feel all better.
VIGGO: Please, ladies… we have a show to do.
(The two skiers give an "Awwwww," but leave anyway. But not before the BRUNETTE one throws her hotel keys to VIGGO.)
EDDIE: (muttering) Godammit, Rollig…. How do you do that!
VIGGO: I have no idea what you're talking about. But now let's move on to a totally new segment, one that I would like to call … "Ohhh, Viggo!"
OHHH, VIGGO!
("I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd plays. EDDIE winces at the questionable music choice.)
(VIGGO gets up and starts walking stage right. The camera pans to a new set with two heart-shaped seats. The set is surrounded by three green walls, which gives it the effect of being a separate room. VIGGO enters the set "slow dancing" to the music. He takes off his coat in a mock striptease, and the sits down.)
VIGGO: (his voice now lower and more husky) Welcome to the first edition of "Ohhh, Viggo," where we dish on the love lives of our favorite skiers and snowboarders. Tonight we have a very special guest. He has been on the SSX tour since day one. He has won countless medals on individual tracks and a two-time circuit champ. His signature move, "Walkin' the Dog," has been the most imitated move among SSX aspirants. He is the overwhelming favorite to win this year's SSX championship. He is brutally fast, surprisingly agile, and can spin a pretty mean track when he DJs. Ladies and gentlemen, Mackenzie Frazer.
(MAC enters from the right. He shakes hands with VIGGO, then sits in the chair opposite.)
MAC: Man, this place is a mess.
VIGGO: Yeah, that happens sometimes. So, Mackenzie… can I call you Mackenzie?
MAC: (eyes narrowing) No. Just Mac.
VIGGO: Oh. Right. So, Mac, I'm going to take you back a bit. Do you remember back in the day when we were doing press releases for the Out of Bounds Tour and we had to answer a Rider QnA.
MAC: I gotta say not so much, Viggo. My DJ career was in full swing, and it's hard to remember when you get only four hours of sleeo.
VIGGO: Well, maybe this will jog your memory. One of the questions was "Things You Have Broken." Most of us, including myself, thought of injuries and the like. You, on the other hand, replied, "Hearts baby, hearts."
MAC: (chuckles) Yeah.
VIGGO: Would you say you're a ladies man, Mac?
MAC: Not really. I mean, I thought that was your job.
VIGGO: (befuddled) Huh?
MAC: I take it easy, you know. I mean, life will always be filled with what I consider my top four: mountains, powder, women, and buds. In that order. I've dated several women on all the tours. It's cool.
VIGGO: Have you ever had a steady girlfriend?
MAC: Ah, no. No strings, man. I'm just … to busy. You know, snowboarding, DJ'ing, interviews, press conferences. There's no time.
VIGGO: I'm sure you've heard plenty of the tabloids and Internet rumors. People thought, and still think, that you and Kaori Nishidake had a thing going.
MAC: (chuckling nervously) Well, that's not true.
VIGGO: Putting all that aside… how did you meet Kaori.
MAC: It's not hard, really. She was the only one the tour who was my age. I think she felt lonely. It's bad enough that the tour started in Alaska, the emptiest place on Earth. But she couldn't speak English, so it was hard for her to make any friends. The only other guy on the tour who could talk Japanese was Hiro, and that guy was a major jackwad. He had this chip on his shoulder against women or something. I saw Kaori hanging around him because she had no choice. I don't speak Japanese, so I had no idea what they said to each other, but I could tell he really didn't want her around.
So I decided to be nice to her, just to get her away fro Hiro. It took me a while, and I had to draw some pictures on napkins to get the point across, but I somehow managed to tell her that I wanted her to come with me to one of my DJ gigs. I could tell it wasn't her style --- Kaori's always been more a fan of that horrible J-pop stuff --- but I could tell that she was having a ball.
VIGGO: So your relationship was…
MAC: She was more like my little sister.
VIGGO: (cocking an eyebrow) She's a year older than you, Mac.
MAC: She don't act it. Anyway, Kaori's always been a good friend. Look at all the other boarders. They're all big egos and all style but no substance, prancing around like they're all that. Kaori's never been that way. She's always been honest, clean, and true to herself. When everyone's busy being an "individual," she's the one that stands out. Don't get me wrong, though. That's what makes me like her as a friend. I've got too much respect for her to have it be any deeper than that.
VIGGO: Well… what do you think about Sid?
MAC: What about him?
VIGGO: Your "friend" has been hanging around her a lot recently. In fact, people have seen her with Sid around town this tour at bars, raves --- a lot of places Kaori has never gone before. There's been talk that Kaori's developing a bit of an edge, and Sid's responsible.
MAC: Look, I'm not her dad, alright. She picks whatever friends she wants. Maybe I've been too busy lately to talk with Kaori about this guy, but it ain't my place to butt in like that.
SID: (coming in from off screen and toting his skis) And don't forget it, Mac.
VIGGO: Wha---? Wait, what the hell?
(VIGGO looks towards EDDIE, who is just at much of a loss.)
SID: Hello, ladies. Just passing by; I'm up in the next slopestyle heat. No time to play Dave Sweaterman like you losers.
VIGGO: Get off the show, Sid.
SID: Keep your skirt on for a second, nerd. (turns to MAC) I just wanted to say that I'm glad to hear you say that, Frazer. We both want what's best for Kaori, don't we? (MAC glares.) Look, man, if Kaori were with you, she'd just be this girl that's in the way. Me, I'm taking her to the limits. Look at her now. She can speak English. She's not chicken about pushing people around on the slopes anymore. She's got a voice-actress role on that Japanese anime "Kaori X." I mean, don't get me wrong, Mac…. When she was your riding partner, that was like high school. But when she's riding with me, she's getting her graduate degree.
MAC: Yeah, I used to be happy for her … until I found out her riding partner was a grade A jackwad.
SID: Ooooh, are we trading playground taunts right now? In that case … you're a butt. Anyway, stay away from Kaori. She's mine.
MAC: Kaori's not some kind of property, you ass clown. And all that stuff you mentioned? She did all that herself. She's a grown woman. You don't own her.
SID: Whatever. I've got a race to go to. Sayonara. (SID puts on his oversized shades, then departs)
EDDIE: (walking on the set) C'mon man. Three on one. We can take him, easy.
MAC: Nah. This is my war, Eddie. Chill.
VIGGO: Well, this is awkward. I guess I've got nothing more to say than … see you all again next week for the next edition of Hardcore SSX.
EDDIE: Ride on, young ronin.