Hardcore SSX (a.k.a the Eddie and Viggo Show)
Apologies for the delay. Other than the general business of things that had to be due at then end of the school year, there were a few family crises that happened recently. As a result, the story that came out is a crazy amalgam of several ideas that I had been floating around for three months time.
I originally wasn't going to write Allegra into this one. Yet a request from someone in the Reviews got me to thinking about her as a character. I see her to be the kind of person that even Zoe thinks is insane. After all, the character profile in On Tour mentions that sponsors think she's too reckless, and that at some point she had broken Psymon's heart. Hopefully, I reflected that.
Also, for the astute observers, I lifted lines in this story from two internet cartoons and an obscure MTV show that aired in the late '90s. You won't get any prizes for finding them, but you will feel good about yourself.
CHAPTER THREE: The Battle of the DJs
Viggo stared at his MComm uncomfortably. The next message was from a Bravo Network executive and labeled "URGENT." He scanned the message distastefully. He slammed his MComm shut as he heard footsteps. A familiar figure, sporting a festive afro and a gaudy Hawaiian shirt, joined Viggo under the awning.
"God, this weather is excellent," Eddie said, shivering and clasping his arms. "And just in case all this chattering isn't making it very apparent, that was sarcastic. Totally, totally sarcastic."
At the foot of Big Moutain, Metro City was slightly warmer then spots at higher altitudes. Unfortunately, it was only warm enough to turn snowflakes into cold, bone-chilling rain. However, despite the blustery weather, large crowds of people roamed the streets on one of the few off days when competitors took a break and where citywide events took first priority.
"We should be setting up for the show tonight," Eddie grumbled.
"Got that covered, man. Luther's got a crew setting up out booth at the Club Tricky. I just needed to pick something up before the show."
Eddie suspiciously eyed the building's sign. "Sharper Image? What the hell? Do you need a new iPod cradle or what?"
"Something like that," Viggo said, entering the store. The store was empty except for a disinterested cashier fingering through a catalogue.
"Look at this!" Eddie said, making himself comfortable in a massage recliner. He pressed a button on the armrest control, and the chair started rumbling. "Check it out… I'm totally getting a backrub!"
"Looks totally cool," Viggo said. He watched Eddie from the corner of his eye while he absently played with a new iPod.
"Let's see what setting 2 does…. Look at this. It's massaging my calves." Eddie laid back and closed his eyes, lost in an unspeakable bliss. "Now let's check out setting 11 … What the hell?"
Suddenly, the chair's leg pillows clamped onto Eddie's calves. Two steel cables clamped onto his wrists, while the headrest securely squeezed Eddie's head.
"Uh, I could use some help here," Eddie said. "I think this chair's defective."
The cashier sidled next to Viggo. "It is as you said, sir," the cashier said. "No one can resist the lure of the massaging chair."
"You did this, Rollig!" Eddie sneered. He tried to turn his head, but to no avail.
"There were going to cancel our show, Eddie," Viggo said emotionlessly.
The doors to the back room swung open. Six figures, bathed in ghostly light, emerged from the doorway and approached their hapless victim. Gradually, Eddie understood his fate and began to fidget violently.
"He is resisting," the cashier said. "This may complicate the procedure. Shall we apply the anesthetic?"
Viggo nodded. The headrest emitted a puff of gas into Eddie's face, and he began to feel his consciousness slipping away.
"Traitor!" Eddie cried. His eyes began to close, and his voice began to slur. "Heretic! … Benedict … ASS-face…"
The doors to the Sharper Image locked shut.
.o°ö'O".O'ö°o.
Sid took a drag from a thin, black cigarette. "Utterly brilliant," he said, admiring the artwork in front of him.
"I really do not see it," Kaori said, squinting her eyes.
"Obviously," Sid said dismissively. "Common, untrained eyes cannot even begin to see that what the artist is trying to make a comment on the simple and fleeting nature of beauty. Notice how he uses simple shapes and every day objects to stress the mundane, everyday aspect."
"It is a string nailed to a canvas."
"You would see that," Sid sneered. Sensing Kaori's discomfort, he added, "But don't worry, my sweet Kaori. I shall be you very one muse to guide you to higher levels of understanding. With me by your side, the whole world of art shall be opened to you."
"Do you mind if I step outside?" Kaori said. "The rotting cow's head is making me a little sick."
"A Thousand Years by Damien Hirst," Sid corrected. "Well, come back soon. There's a whole wing with Mapplethorpe photos down the hall."
Kaori could still smell the clove on her clothes when she stepped outside the gallery. She wanted to tell him to kick the habit, but Sid could be ineffably dominating. Her plaid skirt fluttered as a freeing gust blew by.
She thought she saw a stranger across the street, but was alarmed when she realized that it was her reflection in a store mirror. Had she really changed so much? And it wasn't just the punk ganguro fashion. She must have aged by twenty years….
"Kaori!" someone called out to her. "Just the girl I was looking for!" Kaori turned to see Viggo Rollig running toward her.
"Oh! Viggo!" She waved to him as he approached. "It is nice to see you! I have not seen you on the slopes so much this tour."
"Well," Viggo said, "since I got kicked off the tour this year, snowboarding's lost it magic for me. I've been thinking of getting back on skis, but the TV show's taking up all my time."
"Oh, right, you have a show," Kaori said. "Ah, where is Eddie?"
"What am I, his hetero-life partner?" Viggo said defensively.
"Chill out," said Kaori. "I did not mean..."
"No, no," Viggo apologized. "It's just… I did something I'm not too proud of." Viggo told Kaori what had happened.
"Well," Kaori said, not sure what to think, "Eddie was … slightly unappealing to look at. Maybe it is all for the better."
"Anyway, that's not why I wanted to see you. Bravo's sponsoring a limited access 'Battle of the DJs' show downtown tonight." Viggo fished a ticket out of his coat pocket. "All current SSX competitors get a free ticket. I shouldn't have to remind you that a mutual friend of ours by the name of MacKenzie Fraser is one of the favorites to win."
"Is that so?" said Sid, snatching the ticket before a shocked Kaori could receive it. Sid looked at the ticket with disgust. "Sorry to disappoint, but Kaori and I have plans tonight."
"Don't sweat," Viggo said, taking a second ticket from his pocket. "I've got free admission for both of you. Retail value of $500."
Sid snatched the second ticket, then ripped both tickets to shreds and scattered the pieces in the snow.
"Not cool, man," Viggo said. "Not cool."
"Come on, Kaori," Sid huffed, storming back into the gallery.
Kaori shrugged her shoulders helplessly. "He's usually not like this," she explained before she followed Sid.
"Yeah," said Viggo. "I'll bet."
--------------
HARDCORE SSX
(The show opens with "Danger! High Voltage" by the Electric Six. A red tinted video package showcases signature moves, such as Allegra Sauvagess pulling off the Capo Air and Psymon Stark showing off the Guillotine.)
(The scene shatters, and we are now inside Club Tricky. A flythrough shot shows a densely packed club where skiiers and snowboarders have shed their heavy winter coats for T-shirts and halter tops. Large digital flatscreens show a CGI animated unicorn rocking out with a double-necked Gibson Flying V. Psychadelic patterns slowly churn behind him, occasionally flashing the words "Unicarnage.")
(At the front of the club is a low stage with a DJ Booth illuminated by multicolored strobe lights. To the left is the announce booth, where we join VIGGO ROLLIG and the all-new, extremely made-over EDDIE WACHOWSKI.)
VIGGO: Welcome back to Bravo's "Sports Movies for the Soul" and SSX HARDCORE. I am your host, Viggo "Scanner" Rollig... (turns to Eddie)
EDDIE: (mumbling) You are dead, Rollig.
VIGGO: ... and this is my usually talkative broadcast partner, Eddie "The Kid" Wachowski. We're taking a break from the tour on one of the few rest days, and instead we join the annual "Battle of the DJs" here at the Club Tricky, one of the most exclusive clubs in Metro City. The battle started earlier this afternoon with sixteen contestants. Now, we're down to two finalists. The first is a man who goes by the stage identity of DJ GROMMET. Followers of the SSX tour know him by another name. Let's give it up for GRIFF SIMMONS!
(GRIFF SIMMONS steps up to the DJ booth and hooks up his Apple laptop. He is a foot taller than when he had been racing in the third SSX tour and is now sporting a thin goatee and a pair of Buddy Holly glasses. Otherwise, he seems unchanged.)
GRIFF: All right! Are we ready to get radically epic?
(He begins with Hindu-inspired trance beat, which segues into the "Thong Song" by Sisqo.)
VIGGO: Ugh. I am almost positive the "Thong Song" is the worst song ever. Am I right Eddie?
EDDIE: (angrily) You killed my 'fro, you son of a….
VIGGO: Chill, man. It was the only way to save our show. Our ratings were in the tank, and our producers pressured me to take steps to boost them.
EDDIE: By doing a "guest appearance" on Project: Runway!
VIGGO: Hey, it wasn't easy for me, either.
EDDIE: Then why didn't YOU do the extreme makeover instead?
VIGGO: (embarrassed) Well, it turns out my looks are actually popular with the 18 to 25 crowd…. And, um, there were about forty threads on the Bravo message boards about hating your 'fro….
EDDIE: Nice.
VIGGO: Besides, you look good in cornrows. And the wardrobe they equipped you with is worth at least $2,000.
EDDIE: Did I say anything bad about the wardrobe? The wardrobe sweet! Especially the silk shirt. It lets my armpits breathe.
LUTHER: (behind camera) Heh. You sure look purty, Eddie.
EDDIE: Shut up, fatboy. You do not mess with a man's hair, Rollig. It's Biblical. Remember what happened with Samson when they messed with his hair?
VIGGO: Look, they didn't use scissors or clippers. I insisted on that, at least. If you hate it so much, just untie the braid and you can have that ugly mushroom on your head again.
SKYE: (passing announcer's booth) Oy, Viggo, who's the cute bloke?
VIGGO: Don't you remember him? Eddie Wachowski?
EDDIE: You will certainly pay the ultimate price for this injustice, Rollig.
(SKYE begins writing something on a scrap of paper.)
EDDIE: The black fatal fist of darkness shall pound a bloody hole through the skull and scream, "Hellish rock death!" (SKYE slips the paper into EDDIE's shirt pocket.) Uh, what's this?
SKYE: (flirtatiously) Exactly what you think it is, luv. (She signs "call me" by extending her thumb and pinky, and walk off into the crowd of revellers.)
(EDDIE unfolds the paper.)
VIGGO: Dude, is that her phone number?
EDDIE: (nodding) I just might have to reverse my opinion on this haircut.
VIGGO: You going to call her?
EDDIE: Right… on… baby.
ALLEGRA: (peeking between the two hosts) Christ, that is, like, so goddamn precious. 'Sup, cuties.
(The two hosts are almost bowled over by ALLEGRA's sudden appearance.)
VIGGO: Allegra! What are you doing here?
(ALLEGRA pulls up a seat. She slams a huge, half-empty tequila bottle onto the table.)
ALLEGRA: Shakin' it up at this wicked phat party, Viggo, my man. Or I WOULD be if DJ Griff-n-Dork would play something that wasn't mondo-trash-o. He's only playing that song because he heard on "Guitar Hero." And I don't think he's even DJ'ing. That laptop's, like, on automatic. He's probably just surfing for porno. YEAH, I KNOW YOU HEARD ME! YOU TOTALLY SUCK, GRIFF!
(GRIFF, who has been playing a remix of "Higher Ground" by Red Hot Chili Peppers, tries to ignore ALLEGRA.)
EDDIE: (to VIGGO) You know, we were sorta asking for this when we put our booth so close to the audience.
ALLEGRA: Hey, are you saying I'm DRUNK? Because I'm not. I totally keep it under control, dude.
VIGGO: Not that one time at Mt. Hood you weren't….
ALLEGRA: (pulls a switchblade on VIGGO) I thought we signed a blood oath to never ever mention Mt. Hood again. On penalty of death!
VIGGO: Alright, alright! Put the knife down. I got enough troubles with Eddie trying to kill me. And when did you start carrying a knife anyway?
ALLEGRA: Didn't you guys hear? Contestants have been disappearing from the slopes. No one knows who's behind the disappearances. I've heard, though, that some skiers have spotted a mysterious figure lurking around the slopes. They say that the moment you lay eyes on him, you disappear within seven days. They call him … the "Unknown Rider."
EDDIE: Pffff. Yeah, right. Sounds like you've watched "The Ring" one too many times.
ALLEGRA: Funny you should mention that, Bo Derek. You see, one time, when Viggo and I were riding partners, we were at Mt. Hood, watching "The Ring", and we got totally wasted on a bad combination of Jack Daniels and Flaming Hot Cheetos.
VIGGO: Hey, wait-a-minute….
ALLEGRA: Next thing you know, he was so wasted that he got into my luggage and started trying my clothes on….
VIGGO: Oh, God. Commercial. COMMERCIAL!
(Bravo takes a commercial break. We see ads for "Project Runway: SSX Edition," cool and refreshing 7-Up, and Brodi reciting a soothing haiku promoting the healing powers of Karma Sushi. And don't forget to catch NIGEL from SSX On Tour take on EL TORRE, the Dark Lord of Black Darkness from Amped 360, in a no-holds-barred jello wrestling match tonight on Leno!)
ALLEGRA: … and in the morning, they found Viggo, naked, except for that stupid cowboy hat, with his tongue frozen to the lamppost.
EDDIE: Ha ha ha! You dumbass!
VIGGO: (embarrassed) And the worst part is that I can't remember any of it. Except for the standing-naked-in-the-snow part. But getting back the "The Battle of the DJs," it looks like DJ Grommet has left the stage. The judges are tallying up their scores. Ww are now at the final contestant….
ALLEGRA: Hey, Viggo.
VIGGO: Hey, ya.
ALLEGRA: Can I introduce him?
VIGGO: Is there any stopping you?
ALLEGRA: Prolly not.
VIGGO: (smirking) Take it away, then.
ALLEGRA: (leaping on announce table with mic in hand) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS! THE ONE DJ THAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL NIGHT! THE SEXIEST DJ IN THE WHOLE WORLD! HAILING FROM THE U. S. OF A. AND READY TO DROP THE MAD FUNKY FLAVA, MACKENZIE FFFRRRRAAASSSEERR!
MAC: (approaching the booth) Alright, y'all! Let's KICK IT!
(MAC, using a traditional set-up with two vinyl records, cues up a hard-thumping techno beat, followed by synthesizer samples from an anime, and "Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)" by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts.)
VIGGO: While that's going on, now's a good time to recap the point standings for this year's SSX Tour.
EDDIE: Alright, starting from number five: Kaori Mishidake. The early favorite took an unfortunate tumble in the points standing after a fifth place finish at the Double Race on Wild Tree Fun.
VIGGO: Number four: Allegra Sauvagess. Congratulations.
ALLEGRA: Damn straight! I am the black diamond rockstar!
VIGGO: My former riding partner scores an impressive victory at Between the Sheets, launching her from twelfth place.
EDDIE: Number three: Mac Frazer! My man!
ALLEGRA: Whooooo!
Mac took second place at the trick contest at Hot Dam, wowing crowds with a backside 540 Indy to Late Trickitello.
VIGGO: Number two goes to Tyson Logan, who easily takes first at On the Rocks, beating the second place finisher, Zoe Payne, by an astounding five minutes. Tyson restores honor back to the Logan family after his brother, Nate Logan --- the former first place holder --- was disqualified from the entire tour earlier this week due to tests that revealed abnormally high testosterone levels.
EDDIE: Which means we have a new number one! A controversial win at Ruthless Ridge cemented his lead and his status as the man to beat. If the tour ended today, you current champion would be: Sid.
ALLEGRA: That rat bastard! He was totally in second place. This race is fixed! FIXED! Wait a minute, I love this song.
(MAC had switched to playing a remix of "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes.)
ALLEGRA: (singing and nodding her head to the beat) … And the message coming from my eyes says leave it alone! Dun, dun dun dun dun duuuuun duuuunnnn….
(ALLEGRA accidentally bangs her head on the table and knocks herself out)
EDDIE: Oh, crap. Think she's going to be OK?
VIGGO: I don't see why not. She was wearing a helmet. Anyway, are we cool? You know, for earlier?
EDDIE: Yeah, we're cool. (The two touch knuckles in a sign of respect.) And now, I'm outta here.
VIGGO: What? We got at least two more minutes to go.
EDDIE: Skye's signaling for me to join her on the dance floor. You don't say no to Skye Simms. Later, dude. (Leaves.)
VIGGO: Well, I guess it's just you and me, Luther. Luther?
(No one is behind the camera. LUTHER has joined the crowd, raising the roof, and shirtless.)
LUTHER: Oh, yeah! The Luther Express is comin' through, baby!
(ALLEGRA staggers back up to the table.)
ALLEGRA: Ouch. Thanks for the assist there, Scanner. Am I drunk, or am I looking at a half-naked Luther?
VIGGO: The last one, unfortunately.
ALLEGRA: I'm sober then. Where's that tequila? (VIGGO hands the bottle to her. ALLEGRA takes a big swig.) Ahhh, there it is. I think I'm in love, Viggo.
VIGGO: (Incredulously) With Luther!
ALLEGRA: No, dumbass! I'm outta here. (Leaves.)
VIGGO: (facing camera) Well. Um. I guess that's our show for today. Tune in next week for more Hardcore Sex. I mean, SSX. We now return you to,…. Uh. Hmmm.
VIGGO: …
VIGGO: …
VIGGO: Later.
(VIGGO runs to the camera and switches it off.)
.o°ö'O".O'ö°o.
Mac retired to the room at the back of Club Tricky and took off his shirt. He'd been dumped on by what must have been a keg of beer after his win at the Battle of the DJs. Now his clothes were soaked an reeking of booze.
"Well, hello there, Sir Hotbod Handsomeface," Allegra said. She was leaning on the doorway with the mostly empty bottle of tequila dangling from her fingers. "That was one hell of a remix, kiddo."
"Hey, Allegra," Mac said. "I didn't think it was my best set, but enough to beat Griff. I don't know; it's like he was nervous up there. I've got to hand it to him, though; he's got some skill."
"You know," Allegra said, swaying unsteadily toward Mac, "if you need help with some of the tracks, I play some pretty mean riffs on my Flying V. We should hook up some time for some private sessions."
"That sounds..."
"Private sexy sessions," Allegra said huskily, pressing her body against Mac's. "I can be your Meg White."
Mac looked at her dubiously. "You're drunk," he said.
"Brill'nt observation, Einstein."
"That's, ah, one hell of breath," Mac said, smelling the alcohol.
"You say the sweetest things," Allegra said. Before Mac could do anything, Allegra had clasped the back of his head with her hand and pressed her lips against his.
It took Mac a few seconds to realize she had fallen asleep.
Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw her. A vision of Abercrombie fashion with a short plaid schoolgirl skirt and a punk haircut. Yet possessing such an rosy, cheerful face that possessed the lollipop innocence of Hello Kitty.
Kaori Nishidake.
"You are looking comfortable," she said, somewhat amused.
"I, uh, didn't expected to see you here," Mac said. "Viggo told me that, er, you had other plans for tonight."
Kaori fished a ticket stub from her panda purse. The torn stub fragments were held together by a few pieces of scotch tape. "You know I never miss your shows," she said. "It's still not much my taste. But I did like the part when you included the theme song music from the 'Kaori X' anime."
"Oh," Mac said, surprised. "That."
"I thought it was ... pretty awesome," Kaori said, smiling. She smoothed out her skirt. "Well, I think I should be headed back to my hotel room. Big race tomorrow."
"Yeah," Mac said. "I think we're on the same track. Higher Learning."
"Good luck, then," Kaori said mischievously. "You are going to need it. Especially against me." She giggled, then turned to leave.
"Wait," Mac said. Kaori turned. "Could you ... help me carry Allegra to a couch or something? I, uh, think she passed out."
Kaori smirked, then nodded. "Sure, Mac."