Thanks for the comments on this story. It's nice to know there are people reading this thing.
This segment is a bit long, but I wanted it to lead in to the next few episodes which will center around the King of the Mountain --- the final race of the SSX Tour.
Gordon and Jennifer, characters who appear at the beginning of this chapter, are in the game. Somewhat. I listed their names off the 200-person ranking from the "SSX On Tour" game. Sames goes for other "nobodies" who were featured in previous episodes. (By the way, after looking at some screen shoots on IGN, it turns out their names are also posted on the leader board. Eerie.)
CHAPTER FOUR: Calls to Zoe (and the Final Eight)
"This is garbage," Gordon said, throwing his iPod into the snow.
"Hey," said Jennifer. "You might want to be careful with that. It cost me $300."
The two skiers had set up camp amidst a grove at the center of pine trees on the slopes of Big Mountain. A pot of pork and beans boiled atop a campfire.
Jennifer picked up the iPod and wiped off the snow. "What in the world were you watching, anyway?"
"Friggin' 'Hardcore SSX' podcast," Gordon said. "Look at. I make it all the way to seventh place in the points competition, and not one mention! Honest to God, how am I supposed to attract any sponsors if no one knows I exist?"
"How do you think I feel?" Jennifer retorted. "I modeled for promotional posters for this year's tour."
"Really? Which one?"
"You know which one. I was the girl in the pink ski jacket with the white quilted vest."
"Oh, yeah. I remember that poster."
"You think by breaking the Top Twenty with that kind of pre-race exposure. But, no. I'm still a faceless nobody. Crap, Skye Simms hasn't even made the Top Forty and she still gets endorsements from Old Spice Red Zone. It's insulting."
"It's an insult you won't have to live with for very long," someone said in a low, menacing voice.
The two campers looked up to see a man in the shadows of the frosted pine trees. He was clad from head-to-foot in a dark blue jumpsuit. His face was completely hidden behind a pair of goggles and a bulky breathing mask. Gordon and Jennifer froze.
"Pleased to meet you," the man said. "Hope you guessed my name."
"What?" Gordon said.
"Rolling Stones?" the man said. "'Sympathy for the Devil'? Bah. No matter. You may call me … 'The Unknown Rider.'"
"What… what do you want?" Jennifer asked. "We … we have a big race tomorrow."
"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that," the Unknown Rider said, slowly approaching the campers. "When I'm finished with you two, the SSX Tour will be the last thing on your mind."
.o°ö'O".O'ö°o.
"… competitors Gordon and Jennifer have turned up missing. The Ski Patrol was alerted to the scene when cross-country skiers reported a potential wildfire in a grove near Son of A Birch. The officers only found an abandoned site and a burnt pot of pork and beans. So far, twenty competitors total have mysteriously disappeared from the tour. If you have any information, please contact the Ski Patrol immediately.
"We now return you to Radio Big. This next song is by request from Eddie Wachowski. This is 'Superfly' by Curtis Mayfield."
Viggo shook his head. "Did you hear that, Eddie?"
"Yeah," said Eddie. He didn't look up, engrossed with a game he was playing on his Gameboy Advanced. "I specifically requested 'Serpentine Fire' by Earth, Wind, and Fire. Atomika needs to clean out his earwax."
"I was talking about the disappearances," Viggo said. "Remember our last show? Allegra mentioned something about these disappearances being the work of 'The Unknown Rider.'"
"Allegra was also drunk off her skunk on tequila," Eddie said. "Most likely, a few competitors that just couldn't cut it sulked off the mountain without telling anyone. Happens all the time in reputable contests like the Tour de France and, um, the Winter X Games."
"You're just making that up," Viggo said, crunching into a tasty ring-shaped snack.
"Hey," Griff called out, "are you two slackers going to help me out with, or are you just going to sit there… eating Funyuns?"
Eddie and Viggo were in the Metro City aircraft maintenance hangar and were sitting on the floor near the pneumatic lifts. Griff was at work on his V-22 Osprey tilt-rotor craft. The hangar was also occupied by two other people: Luther-Dwayne Grady was unloading cameras and equipment from his pickup, while JP Arsenault was busy untangling cables.
The V-22 was a replica of the half-plane, half-helicopter crafts that transported extreme athletes to mountaintop pinnacles in the previous tour. This tilt-rotor was painted a glossy black to match the name that Griff had christened it: the S.S. Black Diamond. The S.S. Black Diamond was a "minor" prize. Griff had won it for breaking the record at the Peak 2 "Schizophrenia" Super Pipe at the previous tour.
For the last two years, Griff had spent all his free time outside of high school to get certified as a pilot just so he could fly the S.S. Black Diamond. Unfortunately, that meant abandoning his second love: snowboarding. When the SSX Tour arrived, Griff declined the invite, knowing he was in no shape to compete.
"C'mon, Griff," Viggo said. "Do either of us look like we know anything about heavy machinery? We'd just get in the way. We're better off … um … supervising. Isn't that right, Eddie?" Viggo said, nudging his partner.
"Yeah, yeah," Eddie said, his eyes riveted to the Gameboy.
"Whatever, wise guys," Griff said, wiping hydraulic fluid off his hand. "Hook me up with a drink at least."
Viggo tossed Griff a bottle of Mountain Dew: Code Red.
Griff took one glup and emptied half the bottle. "Thanks. By the way, everything's on schedule. The hydraulics check out. Now I just gotta hook up your A/V equipment, set up your announce table, and install the on-board auxiliary electrical generators."
"Homina what?" said Viggo.
Griff sighed contentedly. "I don't want to sound too enthusiastic, guys, but reporting the entire King of the Mountain Race from an announce table in the sky? It's going to be awesome."
"I got total faith in your mad skills of aircraftery, Griff," Viggo said. "That's why we recommended you."
"Do you mind not calling me Griff?" Griff said. He climbed up a ladder to the top of the fuselage with a coil of cable over his shoulder. "They call me 'DJ Grommet' now."
"Who calls you 'DJ Grommet'?"
"Well, no one," Griff said with an embarrassed grin. "But I figure I gotta start somewhere to build my street cred."
Viggo turned to Eddie. "I noticed you went back to the afro. Skye's not going to like that."
"I'm breaking up with her," Eddie said, mashing buttons.
"What?" Viggo said. "What's wrong with you, man? Skye's hot."
"So you two aren't going to see each other any more?"
"She's into political activism," Eddie said, "and, well, let's just say I don't jive with her views. And she's a vegan. I've gotta have roast beef if I'm eating out, man. Dammit! How the hell are you supposed to past this living sun thing? Crap, it's only World 2!"
"Let me try," Viggo said, taking the Gameboy away from Viggo. "Something tells me that isn't the whole story, Eddie."
"She's hiding something," Eddie said. "I can't put my finger on it. It's like she's leading a dual life. Maybe all chicks are like that, huh, Viggo?"
A pain expression crossed Viggo's face. "You're right, Eddie," he said. "This swirling sun guy is IMPOSSIBLE."
"Mon Dieu!"
A loud, metallic bang drew the boys' attention. JP was sprawled on the ground with a red bruise on his forehead. Luther had been testing out a camera crane, which was mounted on a series of telescoping rods. However, the crane had swung too wildly and too quickly, and the camera had smacked JP right in the face.
"My bad," said Luther, picking his nose.
"Yankee stupide," JP mumbled rubbing his forehead. "You will pay for this injustice. You will all pay!"
"Quit yer whining, JP," said Griff, who had just opened the compartment to the V-22's main generators. "Get over to the lockers. I think there's a first aid kit there. It should have one of those instant ice packs."
"So, DJ Grommet," Eddie said, "you planning on staying on Big Mountain after this tour is over?"
"Maybe," he said, hooking up an acetylene torch. "Probably. See, Nate and I had this great plan. After this tour wrapped up, we were going to launch our own shuttle business. Big Mountain Air! Air transportation from Vancouver to Big Mountain and back, with me piloting the Black Diamond. Nate was going to win this race to get some money to finance the startup costs."
"Shame he got kicked off the tour," said Eddie.
"I'm still holding out hope that he's clean," Griff said. He began welding the cables to the leads on the generator. "Still, it ain't a total loss. I got some money winning second place in the DJ contest. And I think I'm getting some residual flying around two slackers working for the Bravo Network."
"I gotta hand it to you, squirt," Eddie said, "that's one hell of a plan."
"Yeah," said Griff, nodding. "Then, maybe when I'm rich, Allegra will start noticing me. And then we'll get married and have a couple of kids."
Eddie snorted. He wasn't sure which amused him most: Griff actually having a chance with Allegra, or the image of Allegra having kids.
"Do yourself a favor, Griff, and quit mooning over Allegra," Viggo said, his eyes glued to the Gameboy. "I mean, aside from the fact that you're 16, she's 20, and any involvement could be construed as statutory rape, there's also the sneaking suspicion I get that she doesn't like you."
"I'll be old enough in two years," Griff said. "And the age difference didn't matter for Anakin Skywalker and Queen Amidala."
"That was a movie!" Viggo said. "And even then, it was creepy! And don't you remember when she totally dissed you at the 'Battle of the DJs'?"
"At least she noticed me," Griff said with a bitter smile. "In fact, she's probably thinking about me right now."
.o°ö'O".O'ö°o.
Samurai, Allegra thought, admiring the 18th century Japanese print. Pretty cool.
Allegra was at the Tiger Room of the Karma Sushi, a more informal room than the main dining area. She relaxed on psychedelic bean bags and sitting on the floor while engaging in one of her favorite past times: Scrabble. Brodi set down a large tray of nigiri sushi next to the two players.
"Anything else for you ladies?" he asked politely.
"How about some of that sake, Brodester," Allegra asked.
"Futsu-shu or tokutei meishoshu?"
"I don't know," Allegra said, throwing up her arms. "The alcoholic kind."
Brodi turned to the other player. "And what about you, Kaori?"
"Some green tea, please," Kaori said. She put down several tiles as Brodi left for the kitchen. "There! 'DEFEET'! Triple word score!"
"I'm not a spelling bee champ by a long shot," Allegra said, "but I think that it's spelled with an 'EA,' not an 'EE.'"
"Oh," Kaori said, picking the tiles back up. "My English still needs work. I am sorry."
"Don't apologize. I'm impressed that it only took you two years to become so fluent in English. How did you do it?"
Kaori placed a D-E-T in front of the letters RIOT. "Sid paid for them," she said. "He hired a very good tutor who was with us when we did a ski tour of Europe."
"He must be crazy about you," Allegra said, hunched over her pieces.
"I think he is," Kaori said. "I owe him a lot. But sometimes…." She trailed off.
"Hmmm?" Allegra said, putting down some pieces.
"Never mind." Kaori looked at the word Allegra had put down. "I am pretty sure 'VANTASTIC' is not a word."
"No way!" Allegra said, shocked. "Are you serious?"
Brodi returned and put a bottle of saki and a glass next to Allegra.
"Hey, Brodi," Allegra asked. "'VANTASTIC' is a word, right?"
"What are words but a symbol of thoughts and emotions?" Brodi said with a faint smile.
"Pfff. Way to be metaphysical, dude." Allegra removed the offending word from the board. "Hey, Kaori, you're best buds with Mac, right?"
Kaori nodded. "We've known each other for a long time," she said.
"Just friends?" pressed Allegra.
Kaori blushed. "Yes, just friends," she said.
Allegra poured herself a glass of sake. "So," she said, "you wouldn't mind if I seduced him?"
A shattering noise startling Allegra. She looked up to see a cup shattered, spilling green tea across the Scrabble board.
Kaori stammered apologetically.
"No, no, my fault," Brodi said. "It … slipped out of my hands. Clumsy me, hm?"
.o°ö'O".O'ö°o.
HARDCORE SSX
(Beginning montage starts with a countdown from 8 to 1. The "1" blinks, then segues to "I Wanna Rock" by Twisted Sister. Scenes go back and forth between various tour highlights. All of the finalists are given a clip.)
(The scene transitions with a wall of ice being shattered. We join our hosts, EDDIE and VIGGO, at the announce booth, which is located at the finish line of "Mind the Gap." The race seems to have just finished not too long ago. SID is some distance behind the booth, signing autographs for adoring fans.)
EDDIE: What's up, SSX Fans! Welcome to the penultimate episode of Hardcore SSX! This is Eddie "The Kid" Wachowski in the hizzy!
VIGGO: And I'm Viggo Roll-…. When did you start saying "hizzy"?
EDDIE: Stop flexing on me, DAWG. We're here at Mind the Gap, the final race before the brutal, massive Final Peak Race Finale: The King of the Mountain. An hour ago, Sid just increased his lead in the overall point competition.
VIGGO: No surprise there. Sid has been on a roll.
EDDIE: The big news, though, is that we now can officially say that we now know which of the two-hundred competitors in this year's SSX have advanced to the Final Eight!
VIGGO: No surprises here, except for one competitor.
EDDIE: We'll get to that later. Right now, let's take a look at the finalists. After the race, I got the opportunity to talk with each of the competitors, and here's what they had to say about their chances in The King of the Mountain.
THE FINAL EIGHT
EDDIE: Elise Riggs from Canada squeezes into the last spot on Final Eight after the mysterious disappearance of Gordon, who had been ranked at number 7. Luther, roll that footage!
(Each film clip shows Eddie holding a microphone to each of the finalists.)
ELISE (in clip): How do I ride? With style, finesse, and at least double the IQ over this pack of jokers.
EDDIE: Rounding out the rest of the finalists: #7, "Sketchy" Psymon Stark from Canada.
PSYMON (in clip) It's all about being psychic, baby! Wait… uh, I meant psychotic. Psychotic. And I'm, uh,… scary.
EDDIE (in clip) You sure are, Psymon.
EDDIE: #6, Skye "Bean" Simms from Australia.
VIGGO: "Bean"?
SKYE (in clip): Instinct, atheleticism, gravity. You know, the basics. Not to different from surfing the Great Barrier, really. So what are you doing after the show, loverboy? I was thinking about grabbing a spot of joe…
VIGGO: Wait a minute. Didn't you tell me that you were going to break up with….
EDDIE: (panicking) Tut tut tut tut tut tut tut! Ixnay on the Eak-up-bray. Um, at #5, we have "Big Al" Allegra Sauvagess from the USA.
ALLEGRA (in clip): Elise, Psymon, Sid…. You're all going down! Because if you haven't figured it out yet, you just don't mess with the Sauvagess Express! Whooooo!
EDDIE: Sitting pretty at #4, we have the original "Tokyo Pop Girl," Kaori "Tricky" Nishidake from Japan.
KAORI (in clip): I just want everyone to try their best. (flashes "V" sign with her fingers)
EDDIE: At #3, the man who put the "X" in SSX, Mac "Smack" Fraser from the USA.
MAC (in clip): I've sorta been dragging my feet all tour long, but that's cool. When it comes to The King of the Mountain, you can put down money that Mac Fraser will be serving up a double dose of spine-chillin' greatness.
EDDIE: A sleeper surprise in the tour and stepping out of his brother's shadow, at #2 we have "The Captain" Tyson Logan from the USA.
TYSON (in clip): The Cap'n's gonna make it happen. This will be the most delicious war on terror ever!
EDDIE: And finally, sitting, in the #1 slot: Sid "The Smipster" from Japan.
SID (in clip): Sad. I had better competition racing in Skiga Kogen. If it wasn't for Kaori, I wouldn't even be here.
VIGGO: That guy seriously needs to get a better nickname. And a last name, for that matter.
EDDIE: However, the big story coming out of this race was the person who didn't make it to the Final Eight. She is a huge fan favorite, one of the veterans who defined the sport from the beginning of SSX and was a known by both her numerous victories and numerous body piercings … the "Royal' Payne" herself … Zoe Payne.
VIGGO: Really disappointing. I was looking forward to seeing her in The King of the Mountain. Coming up next, after our commercial break, is our expose on the Nate Logan steroid allegations: "Human Growth Logan: The Trials of Nate…."
EDDIE: No we're not.
VIGGO: What do you mean, "No we're not?" We filmed the whole thing two days ago with voice-over narration by Tom Cruise….
EDDIE: Because I just scored a live interview with Zoe Payne --- like, fifteen minutes ago.
VIGGO: Seriously?
EDDIE: Yeah. She's coming over here right now.
VIGGO: Oh. Guess we won't need this. (throws video tape of "Human Growth Logan" over his shoulder) OK, guys, looks like we're in for a treat as the one and only Zoe Payne will be joining us … after the commercial break. So do not go anywhere!
EDDIE: Seriously, what are you gonna do. Watch Pee Wee Herman on Adult Swim. Sheesh. What's up with that?
(Commercial for "Queens of the Mountain," a DVD for the women of SSX; Old Spice Red Zone, featuring Skye Simms and the tagline "Blokes smell nice when they're rolling the spice"; and a rental car commercial playing "Blitzkrieg Bop" by the Ramones.)
(ZOE PAYNE takes a seat next to EDDIE. She is still wearing the gear she wore after completing the race from ten minutes ago. The pale goggle-shaped area around her eyes contrast with the rest of her sunburned face.)
ZOE: How ya doin', fellas.
EDDIE: Zoe! My main girl! Always a pleasure to have you here. Too bad about the loss, though.
ZOE: Eh, you win some, you lose some. Hey, did you see that spot where I tried to launch onto that choppers' skid? Ow! They're going to play that one on "America's Funniest Home Videos" tonight.
EDDIE: Hell yeah they are. Any plans for the off season?
ZOE: Me and Moby were thinking about traveling. We don't see much of the world anymore now that SSX's consolidated on Big Mountain. We were thinking about seeing his folks in England. He keeps telling me that they're a couple of "uptight Tories"---his words --- but I'll believe it when I see it. Hey, hey, keep that camera eye level, Grady!
LUTHER: (jerking camera back to ZOE's face) I didn't do nothin'.
VIGGO: Hey, Eddie, I got this… idea I've been tossing around for a while …
EDDIE: Yeah.
VIGGO: … but never got a chance to do….
EDDIE: I'm thinkin' it.
VIGGO: So you think you should … you know?
EDDIE: Oh, man, go for it.
EDDIE & VIGGO: Call-in show.
(VIGGO slams a polycom on the announce table)
CALLS TO ZOE
ZOE: (amused) Shoot. I'm game.
(Numbers flash on the screen: 1-800-CALL-SSX. Immediately, the Polycom lights up)
VIGGO: Caller one, you're on line with the one and only Zoe Payne! Caller go ahead.
CALLER #1: (high falsetto) Hi, my name is Mo ... reen. Moreen. Johnson. I want to know if you … Do you still have the hots for a certain Psymon Stark? I know he was all psycho, but he has mellowed out a bit. Do you, ah, have something going on the side?
ZOE: (laughing) (mock Southern Belle accent) Oh no, Moreen. Don't you know that my baby, Mr. Jones, is all the man I need? His dreadlocks are to die for. (voice returning to normal) Nice try, Moby.
MOBY: Bloody hell! (hangs up)
EDDIE: Alright, next caller.
CALLER #2: Zo-eeeee! I've loved ya since the first tour! Hey, what's your favorite Ramones song?
ZOE: Without a doubt, "Pinhead." That's, like, my personal theme song. After that, it's a tie between "Sheena is a Punk Rocker" and "The KKK Took My Baby Away." I used to like "Blitzkrieg Bop" until they overplayed it on that damn rental car commercial.
EDDIE: OK, next call. And be careful with that tenth number. You might accidentally get Madame Seeiah's Celebrity Love Chat.
CALLER #3: Zoe, what's your favorite tattoo?
ZOE: Well, I've got a pretty awesome tat of a half-snake, half-woman creature fighting a dragon. It's on my left butt cheek.
(EDDIE, VIGGO, and LUTHER stare.)
ZOE: Get a life, guys. The caboose ain't coming out to play.
EDDIE: Ahahahaha, we weren't…. Next caller.
ELISE: (slyly) Hello, Payne.
ZOE: (coldly) Elise.
ELISE: It must be easting away at you that you came so close to making the finals if it wasn't for a certain Canadian Bombshell.
ZOE: It must be thrilling for you to receive a "bye" on account of a mysterious disappearance, eh? Suspiciously convenient.
ELISE: Don't be such a bad sport, Payne. Trust me, I was looking so forward to humiliating you in the final. Oh, well, I guess there's next year, hmmm?
ZOE: (sighing) Might as well tell you all. Even you, Elise. I'm thinking... this might be my last year on the tour.
EDDIE: What? No!
ZOE: Thing is, I don't know how much more physical punishment I can take. There's a price for five years of competing hardcore. I've shattered half the bones in my body. I've broken my nose at least three times. I thought if I switched to two sticks, I could take it easy. But I couldn't. It's in the blood. So maybe this is the end of the line for Zoe Payne. (menacingly) Hope this made you day, Elise.
ELISE: Actually, dear, it did. Ciao.
VIGGO: Before we take any other calls…. So, if you're finished with skiing and snowboarding, what's next in store for Zoe Payne?
ZOE: No idea. I thought maybe I'd move in with Moby and help out at Rob and Bob's Board Shop. I'm playing around with the idea of getting into politics.
EDDIE: Come on….
ZOE: Hey, you know me. I've been all about socio-economical changes. Maybe I'll be mayor of Big Mountain some day. Then I could impose ridiculous tariffs on blonde Canadian multi-millionaire bimbo whores.
EDDIE: Well, we've got time for one more call. Caller go ahead.
ALLEGRA: Yo, Zoe! Allegra here. Sorry to hear you might be leaving. You were the reason I got into snowboarding in the first place.
ZOE: Hey, thanks, Al.
ALLEGRA: Anyway, I heard Elise dissing out on the show. Guess what? I ran into her in the locker rooms… and I punched her out! In the eye!
ZOE: Nice.
ALLEGRA: Hey, you know I got your back, sister. Good luck on your run for mayor! This message has been endorsed by Allegra Sauvagess!
ELISE: You Psycho-Bitch!
(slapping sound)
ALLEGRA: AHHHHHHH!
(static)
ZOE: It's always good to know there's someone out there kicking Elise's punk ass. Hey, I gotta take off, guys. I got a hot, steamy date down in Metro City.
VIGGO: Well that's all the time we have for the show today. Thanks for joining us, Zoe.
ZOE: No probalo.
EDDIE: Don't forget to join us next week, where Hardcore SSX will follow the entire two-hour long King of the Mountain race from start to finish, the most grueling test of endurance in extreme sports!
VIGGO: We now return you to "Remember the Titans" on Bravo Network's "Sports Movies for the Soul." Got any last words, Zoe?
ZOE: This one's for Joey, Dee Dee, and Johnny... Rest in peace.
.o°ö'O".O'ö°o.
"… and it turns out we have extra room on the S.S. Black Diamond," Eddie said.
Viggo's MComm beeped. "I've gotta take this one, guys," he said. "It's from the Bravo execs."
"So will you do it, Zoe?" Eddie pleaded. "Neither of us know how to do play-by-play."
"Cool it, Eddie," Zoe said. "I'm sold. It's like getting front row seats to the Superbowl of Snowboarding. You just don't turn that down."
"You'd better enjoy it," said Viggo, closing his MComm. "Ratings are in, and it turns out that Hardcore SSX is the lowest rated show on Bravo."
"Duh," said Zoe, rolling her eyes. "The only people who watch Bravo are hairdressers, hairdresser-wannabes, and emo kids."
"No prob," said Eddie. "The King of the Mountain is where we get a chance to show the suits what we can do."
Viggo shook his head. "No it won't," he said. "The King of the Mountain is our last show. Bravo isn't picking us up for another season. We've been canceled."