Author Note:

As always, thanks for the feedback. Read and review it. 

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"You know, before I told you about the job with Numbers, we had a plan."

"I know."

"It wasn't a bad plan."

"Nope."

I knew that if I looked at her, I was going to loose it again.

We had promised each other a few days ago when we left for Mombassa that we wouldn't talk about "it". That it would be better to sit in silence than to get in the same fight over and over again for the last few days together.

But now we were on the train back up north to Nairobi. The two and half days that we had spent lying on the beach and relaxing and telling stories was over and now it was back to reality.

It was time to have the discussion. I knew that. I knew that it was time to be a man and own up the reality that was before me, but dammit, I want to ignore it just a little while longer.

"So why can't we just go back to the original plan?"

I sighed very deeply and finally brought myself to reach her eyes. "I suppose that we have to."

She was really restless; fiddling with the zipper on her jacket and tapping her fingernails on the window. She finally spoke. "It's not like this is my choice, Troy."

Oh, if she was going to pull that, then it's on.

I glared at her. "Of course you have a choice! It's your life! You always have a choice in your own life!"

"We've been over this, Troy, sometimes you don't have a choice."

I am so over this. "No, sometimes you're just too scared to make a choice."

We were both quiet for a long time and I watched the African landscape fly by. Finally, she broke the silence. "You don't believe me, do you?"

"That this doesn't affect me?" I said incredulously. "Sharpay, you're nuts."

She scowled. "When I say that it doesn't affect you, I'm not saying that me staying here doesn't affect you. Maybe affect isn't the right word…"

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I don't want you to think that I'm choosing Africa over you," she finished.

"Well, that's completely different…" I sighed and rubbed my head. "Sharpay, you are choosing Africa over me. At the very least, you're choosing your job over me. Either way, you are choosing something over me."

"No!" She grabbed my hand. "I am choosing Africa over California. You don't factor into it."

It was like someone sucker punched me.

I don't factor at all?

At all?

I don't know what to do with that.

I run my fingers over hers for a few seconds as I blink back the tears that are accumulating in the corners of my eye. Finally, I found the words that were the closest to what I was thinking.

"You see, Sharpay, that's where I think we're always going to disagree a little," I kept my eyes on our hands as I spoke. "Because when I made my great declaration that night on the balcony, I was thinking that we would factor for each other. At least, when you kissed me, that's kind of what I thought you were saying you were on board for."

"Troy…"

"Because, darling Sharpay, correct me if I'm wrong, but I told you that I wasn't going to do this unless I was all in."

She was quiet for a second before she replied, "Yeah. You said that."

"Then okay."

"Okay what?"

I dropped her fingers and turned to look at her. "I need to know what is going on in your head and why I'm not a factor or why you're not as in as I am and why you're really not moving to California. Because I don't know if you're living in denial or if you're just wigging out or what the hell is going on, but you have to factor me in. I have to factor."

Silence filled our train compartment for a long time until finally I heard her whisper something.

"What was that?"

She looked at me, "I said that you do factor."

"Okay."

"You factor so much that it scares me," she said.

"Okay."

"Stop saying okay!" She yelled.

"I'm sorry! What do you want me to say?!"

"I don't know! Say that you love me or that you understand or something…"

I sighed. "I love you. But I don't know what the hell to do with you right now."

She started laughing.

Now that was something I wasn't expecting.

She giggled for a few moments longer and then noticed the bewildered look on my face. "I'm sorry," she said through the laughter.

I just kept staring. Was she on crack?

When she collected herself, she sighed and gave me a small half-smile. "I have no idea what to do with me either, Troy."

Okay, well, we definitely agree on something today.

"I need you to know that I had my life pretty settled last month. Last month, I had it all figured out. And then you showed up and it all went to shit."

I know the feeling.

"I knew that I was going to live here for a few more years and then take the next assignment as it came. I was starting to get ready to move closer to Ryan and Em and Sarah, but no where near ready to move back to the States. I love my life here. I love my job here. I love… I love what I do and how I do it," she finished.

"I know all of those things and they're things I love about you," I replied.

She smiled and continued, "And then you showed up and everything happened and all of a sudden I started dreaming about what our children's names would be and if we would go to Disney World on our honeymoon."

"Evan, Hannah and no," I interrupted.

She didn't even acknowledge me. "And those were things that I hadn't thought about in years. I haven't dated a man that I dreamed with since I lived in London. I'm ready for the whole package, Troy. I am. And I'm not at the same time."

"I see."

"No, you don't. Because here's the really confusing part," she said. "The part that will take me longer than a few days to sort out in my head. I don't feel ready to leave Africa. I don't feel that my time here is up. However, if we're talking next step of my life and all of that… I don't want to raise my children in Kenya."

This was news to me. "Really?"

She nodded. "I want my kids to know their family more than Sarah knows me."

"Ah."

"Exactly."

"So which one is more important?"

She paused for a few moments. "I know that I keep telling you that it's about belonging and it is. But it's bigger than that. I don't want to move to America and take a whole new job because of you. No matter how much I love you right now, we've only been whatever we are for a very short time and it seems really illogical to pack up my whole life for what could fall apart when you get back to America."

"But I'm telling you that it won't fall apart."

"I'm sure that Charles and Di said the same thing," she grinned. "Baby, seriously, be reasonable."

"So that's why you want to go back to the original plan," I said.

"If we survive until New Years', then we'll talk."

"And you'll interview in San Diego?" I asked, leaning in for a kiss.

She nodded as our lips met.

Why did I feel like there was still something that she wasn't telling me?

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