The morning light is streaming into the room, I open my eyes slowly she still holds me I smile. I glance next to her at the clock, it's late I debate leaving the bed and decide I'd rather relax in her arms a little while longer. I try to think of times before today that she held me, nothing comes no memories. I feel her stirring next to me and hold my breath a little, she falls back into her slumber and I let out my breath slowly. I look at her, somewhere in my mind I love her, I run my eyes over her face and down her body, she's curled over me, protective. I try to imagine making love to her, kissing the lips that give me shivers, running my hands through her short blond hair. I feel warm as I picture the act, something in me remembers. 'You're staring' she says and I'm shocked she's awake.
'Sorry.' I stammer my face burning hot with embarrassment. Her eyes meet mine, they are kind. 'Don't be' she says pulling me even closer to her, if it were possible.
'What day is it?' I ask, some things I am remembering, like what a kettle looks like and how to use a phone. I remember the days of the week and the hours on the clock. Simple things are easily coming back to me.
'Saturday.' Haruka says through a yawn and a stretch. I feel naked without her arms around me, but she tosses the blankets off of herself and makes her way to the bathroom. 'Hotaru will visit today.' She calls from behind the door.
'Really.' I say letting in the excitement. 'With Setsuna.' Haruka emerges from the bathroom. 'Yea.' She says to me, I toss the blankets off and exchange places with her, she complains behind the door I've closed and I realize she wasn't finished brushing her teeth. I open the door slightly before stepping into the shower. She pushes her way in and spits into the sink before playfully flushing the toilet sending a rush of cold water over me. I shriek and she laughs.
I climb out of the shower sorry to leave the water, I feel at home with in the damp. I dress again in a loose house dress from my closet now sure the skirts and dresses are mine. I wander downstairs and into the kitchen, Haruka has made tea and toast, mine is waiting for me at the table. She smiles at me as I take my seat and I smile back, it's quiet and I like that today. I eat my toast and drink my tea not so much as asking a single question, I watch her though, she reads the news paper, biting her toast, she has jam on the corner of her mouth and my mind tells me to kiss it away. I don't move and she soon realizes it, brushing her tongue against it. I hear the faint sound of rustling at the door followed by a loud hello and the patter of running. 'Mama.' Hotaru calls rushing from the door into the living room and from the living room to the kitchen where we sit. She lands with her head in my lap, her arms around my waist.
'Hotaru.' I greet blushing at the embrace.
'Are you better.' She asks me.
'A bit.' I answer letting her crawl into my lap. 'I haven't forgotten anything since I came home.' I say to her. She beams up at me, her violet eyes speaking words she doesn't say. She's scared I will forget her.
'Should we leave you?' I hear Haruka, she's glancing at Setsuna.
'You don't have to.' I say, but Hotaru is busy nodding. Haruka laughs the same easy laugh I've grown to enjoy. She takes our dishes and places them in the sink joining Setsuna who has stayed near the door. 'We'll bring you lunch.' She announces before taking her keys off of their hook and leaving us alone. Part of me is glad for the time with my child, and part of me is hiding in fear.
'Mama.' Hotaru starts she's crawled off of my lap and is now sitting on the floor looking up at me.
'Yes.' I say to her, still unsure of the title.
'Has Papa told you everything?' her tone is so adult, she is much older in mind then in years I decide.
'You mean Haruka?' I ask.
'Of course.' She laughs and it makes sense to me.
'Yes, she's told me lots of things.'
'About me?' she asks her gaze shifting to the floor.
'What about you should I know?' I ask, feeling as if I could collapse under the pressure I feel.
'Do you love me?' she asks me, I'm relieve that I have an answer. 'I do.' I say to her. 'I could never forget that.' And it wasn't a lie; somewhere deep in my soul I knew I loved her. I knew she was as much a part of me as Haruka was.
'I missed you mama.' She cries her head against my shoulder, her tears making my dress damp against my neck. She pulls away from me only to look at me closer; I smile at her our eyes meeting. 'How much longer do I have to stay at Setsuna-mama's?' she asks me.
'I don't know. Until I feel more like myself I guess.' I say to her, I can tell this isn't the answer she was looking for. 'Do you not like it there?'
'No, its fine.' she frowns only slightly. 'Setsuna-mama isn't as fun as you and papa.' she explains. 'I have to study and do homework, even when there is no school. I don't get to play, and she doesn't tuck me in like you do.'
'I'm sorry.' I say to her, and I truly am. She looks beyond me at the photo album Haruka had given me.
'Mama, remember.' she starts pulling out one of the pictures. It is of the four of us, we're in a park. She begins to describe the day to me and I close my eyes.
The park is crowded, more so then usual. Families gathering together for a day to picnic and frolic. Hotaru is running ahead calling back to us as the wind wraps around her, tossing her hair and her dress forward. Haruka breaks her arm away from me and chases after the girl, grabbing her and spinning around. The wind is full of laughter then.
I shake my head, unsure if what I saw was a memory or just good story telling by Hotaru. It seemed so real.
'We're home.' Haruka calls from the door, Hotaru jumps from my lap rushing to her papa.
'How was that?' Setsuna asks Hotaru who only smiles. We eat lunch together quietly, Hotaru is staring at me with each bite she takes, she knows something. 'Alright hime-chan lets get some more of your clothes and head home.'
'Okay.' Hotaru says with a short nod, she rushes from the table to her bedroom, she returns with a small bag, full of clothes. 'When mama is better, I'll be home.' she announces to her things. Haruka hugs her tightly, before I too take a turn. 'I love you mama.' she says to me.
'I love you too Hotaru.' I reply to her. Once she's gone I feel a bit of emptiness, without a word I head for my room closing the door behind me. I want to cry, I wish I could remember. Haruka leaves me, she must know. I stay in my room for hours, pacing around yearning for anything. A shimmer, a sign, a single memory. I smell my clothes and Haruka's; I push my face to the floor to check under our bed, finding only a box that is full of chocolate. I eat some as I reach for boxes above my clothes, I open each one slowly my room is a mess and I am none the wiser.
'What are you looking for?' Haruka asks softly standing in the door frame. I'm on the floor now, surrounded by boxes, chocolate staining the corners of my mouth, tears freely flowing down my face.
'My life.' I answer sobbing. She is next to me in seconds, her arms around me. I fall into her, my emotions escaping. 'I just want to remember, I just want to feel normal.'
'You will.' she says to me, she believes it so I do. I hold on to her as if I were falling she helps me to stand and I lean on to her as we walk back into the living room, she helps me sit on the couch and I nearly pass out. She brings me dinner and retreats to our bedroom; I assume she's cleaning up the mess I've left. She isn't gone long and when she returns she is dressed for bed and smiling at me.
'I'm sorry.' I say to her my focus on the floor. 'I made such a mess.'
'How do you feel?' she asks and I sense a bit of amusement in her voice.
'Fine.' I answer without to much thought.
'You ate a lot of chocolate.' she laughs.
'I did?' I ask now looking at her.
'You did.' She is again next to me, helping me to our room. I want so badly to touch her, to thank her for being so kind to me. For loving me. I look at her, begging our eyes to meet, for her to read my thoughts.