Just a small moment, lost in the middle of Season 2, a moment that I have tried to imagine, hope you like you like...My dear, dear Tosh...

It was all quiet in the hub that evening, Gwen had gone out early, she had to go to a shop with her maids of honour to try on more wedding dresses. Tosh was glad she was not invited, it would have been weird and painful to see her so happy, so normal, with her real-life friends, while she was just standing there. Being surrounded by "normal" people made it even easier to see that she was an outsider. She had been one long before Torchwood or UNIT, probably she was born one and she will die one. She sighed, that had been a hard week. She had never wished to switch places with Gwen, well, except that time when Gwen was having sex with Owen, but apart from that, she was happy for Gwen but had never felt true envy. Her destiny was not like hers. She was sure she was never going to run to a shop to try stupid, white dresses, laughing with the other girls, dreaming of the honeymoon with her lovely husband. She had faced it a long time ago, she was terrible falling in love. Just three days ago Tommy had gone back to his own timeline, where he was going to be executed for being a coward, when he was, in fact, the bravest man she had ever met, and kissed.

Tosh tried to stop the tears that she felt in her eyes. She had already cried enough for Tommy. It was painful and it was another scar in her heart, but she had always been strong and she was not going to have a nervous breakdown. She had survived UNIT´s confinement so she was able to survive anything. Or maybe not? One day it will be her turn to die, to join the frozen bodies of the past Torchwood agents at the morgue, and she had to be ready for that day.

Owen had been so kind with her all week. Worrying too much after all the Tommy´s incident. He acted like he was an expert in heartbreak, if only he knew. Tosh was grateful, she really was. It was nice to feel the way Owen had changed in the last months, ever since Jack disappeared. He used to be a complete ass, but then he started to care or to show that he cared for the team, and it was a fantastic change. Their friendship returned, stronger and better than ever. She had already lost all hope of a romance with Owen after Gwen and Diane but this new Owen was so full of promises. Pity, he had tried to get closer to her when Tommy appeared. She knew that Owen had hated the idea of her spending that night with Tommy in her flat. It was a funny feeling to know that maybe he was really jealous. But all that had happened after that night had made that a blurry memory. She was focused on the man that had sacrificed himself to save the world. She wanted to die just like that, saving someone, in an heroic act.

She started thinking about her death, not a nice thing to do on a Friday evening but one day she would be gone and there were things she needed to do and say before leaving them. Torchwood was her family, and she felt like she owed them something more than a frozen corpse. She decided that she was going to write longer postcards to her mother from now on, trying to give more of herself to her, telling her how much she loved her and things like that. But, What about the others? Should she start sending them postcards too?...That was not such a bad idea, she could leave a message, telling them how she felt, to ease their pain, to make things easier for the loved ones that stayed behind.

Tosh started to think about it seriously.

-"If I die, then Owen will have to cryo-freeze my body" -She tried to remember what they did with Suzie- "So I can get a tattoo, something saying: Owen I really loved you!"

She laughed silently.

-"No, he would be scared of the stalking Japanese corpse...no, that would be wrong. But someone would have to clean my flat, Owen would say he can´t, not because he misses me but because he is lazy. Gwen will be too emotional and busy with the wedding and all...Jack and Ianto, yes, but they won´t notice a message in the table, they will try to make it quick, to stop feeling guilty. How can I tell them I love them?...Ianto has to log me off the system...yes! That is it! A video. Once Ianto starts to log me off, my video will appear and say goodbye for me."

She sat down at her station, her fingers dancing over the keyboard.

-"What should I say? Should I give it a few tries before recording the final version...ok, here we go" - She prepared the programme and went to check how she looked in Gwen tiny mirror. She thought nobody knew she had one hidden in the paperwork on her station, but Tosh knew where to find it.

- "Hello, I am dead so I wanted to say bye..."

-She erased it and tried again:

-"Hello team, If you are watching this then I must be dead. It is ok, do not worry. I just wanted to say thanks and ..."

She erased it and closed her eyes. Her message was as boring as the weather forecast.

-"I must be dead and I don´t have much time before any of you come here and ask me what I am doing so: Gwen, I think you are a fantastic person, good luck with the wedding or kids or whatever you are doing right now. Ianto, it´s been a pleasure to met you and your coffee is the best I have ever tried. Jack, thanks for saving me, seeing your face in that dungeon was like being born again, thanks. Owen...I know this will come as a surprise but I love you, always have. You are the reason why I keep on fighting, thanks for your help with Tommy...I just wished you ..."

She had to stop, tears were running down her cheeks. She had not expect this to be so hard. She didn´t want them to see her cry, she didn´t want to make them suffer. She loved them all so much. She had to do it all over again. She was exhausted, so tired it was hard to keep her eyes opened. She erased the recording and waited.

-"Why are you still here?" -Owen´s voice came clear and loud from behind her. He was taking off his lab coat and getting ready to leave- "Are you ok, Tosh? You looked tired...Have you been crying?"

-"Who? Me? No!"- She faked a smile- "I was about to leave myself."

-"Great! Then you can join me at the local pub for a pint, your turn" -He smiled, not fully convinced, he was a good doctor, and, besides, he was an expert in Tosh, so he was sure he had been crying and he was also quite sure why. He had tried to stop her from falling for that walking corpse, it was so obvious he was going to die and that she was going to mourn him. He had tried to avoid it.

-"It is always my turn!"- She replied getting her coat. He helped her put it on. She smiled at him.

-"Yes, but you get to enjoy my company." -Owen started walking towards the exit.- "So do not complain".

-"Owen, I am fine, really, you do not need to do this" -She stopped walking- "I am sure there are other things you would rather do than sit in a pub with me".

-"Not today, Tosh" -He turned around and grinned- "Come on, girl, hurry up."