Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters within. The club is mine, Ths music is "Hyper, Hyper" by Scooter if you care.

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Two Left Shoes

Edward looked down at his napkin note with a sigh.

You had it easy last night. This time I won't come to you and I won't be my usual gorgeous self. If you can find me at 'Two Left Shoes', you get to be top. I'll be wearing green, just to make it easier for you Princess.

See you tonight!

-a green knight ;)

He quickly shoved it in his pocket and glared at his paperwork. Edward's last year of service was to be an alchemic resource for the labs. He was going over the latest results in medicine. A new brilliant alchemist found a way to harmonize Red Water with certain medicines. Edward was the military expert on the substance so he was kept up to date on all their findings. He was even offered a place on the ground floor if he signed another contract, but Edward turned it down. He didn't want to even be in the same room with that vile stuff but he accepted reading the reports. Ed could at least stop them if they started going down the wrong path.

He sighed and leaned back in his chair. He was exhausted, but in a good way. Being up until nearly dawn with someone else was not a bad to lose sleep. Edward leaned forward and thumped his head on his desk. Could he not think of anything else?

Edward bowed his head into his pillow and groaned. A slim hand traced the line of his spin and then ran between his upturned cheeks, teasing lightly. Ed moaned lightly when a finger slipped into to the first knuckle and was withdrawn. He buried his face deeper into the pillow, embarrassed by the noises he was making without thinking.

"You know, making sounds isn't a bad thing," Envy whispered directly into his ear. He had his chest pressed firmly against Edward's back and there was no mistaking what was rubbing Ed's behind. "Make all the noise you want princess, it only make this more fun."

Edward lifted his face up and tried to look behind him. His one eye met two purple ones. Ed looked away quickly and tried to ignore the very naked homunculus licking the back of his neck. He found his voice and growled, "I am not a fucking princess, Envy."

He could feel the cool air on his back again as the sin drew away. Edward found himself torn between knowing he shouldn't want this and wanting it more than he wanted to breathe.

Envy's silky voice caressed the small of his back. "That's right, but only because I'm the one doing the f—"

"Edward!"

Ed jumped up and his chair fell over. Hawkeye slammed a folder onto his desk. She looked like she was trying very hard to keep her face calm and she wasn't the only one. Edward's breath was coming in shallow pants. He stammered quickly, "What! I didn't mean too!" Not really knowing what he was referring too.

She let her lips curling into a very small smile and quickly recovered. "Here are some reports for you to look over. I suggest you get a cup of coffee and dig in." Edward looked at her for a moment, as was wonder why she was there. She actually smiled and gestured to the room. "You're at work Edward. I suggest you sleep while at home."

"Sleep," he asked stupidly?

"Yes Edward, sleep." She raised an eyebrow. "I would imagine your desk is not very comfortable. Now go get that coffee." She left to go put more reports on other desks. Breda eyed him with a knowing looking and snickered before going back to his work. Everyone else was out of the office at the moment.

Edward took a step back from his desk then quickly stepped forward. His desk was the perfect height to hide the uncomfortable tightness in his pants. Damn his liking for leather. There was no way he could get that coffee machine and back without one of those two noticing it was not a pen in his pocket.

"Hey Hawkeye, Sheska mentioned she wanted to talk to you the other day. Sorry, it slipped my mind. Why don't you go down the hall and see what she wants. I'll hold down the fort until you get back." Breda's casual tone snapped Ed out of his inner turmoil. Please go Hawkeye. I could defiantly give Breda the slip with you gone.

"She did, okay, I'll be back shortly." She gave Ed a sidelong look like she new exactly what was going on, picked up the outgoing mail and left the office.

Breda leaned back in his chair and put his legs up on his desk. "Coast is clear Ed; get out of here before you pass out."

Ed bent over, using his toppled chair as an excuse to hide his crimson face. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't try and hide it," Breda snickered, "I was your age once. That must have been some dream, to have you talking out loud like that. It was a nightmare, right?" He winked.

Edward stood up and snarled. "It was fucking nightmare! Now I have to go and… check on something important! I'll be back!"

He grabbed his red coat and threw it over his shoulders, using the length to hide. He ran to the door and before he could slam it heard Breda yell out. "See ya later Ed, tell your new girlfriend Eve or was it Eevie I said 'hi'!"

Breda laughed to himself as he watch Ed flee from the room as if his life depended on it. This girl must really be something to have that kid all worked up like this. He made note to ask Havoc and the others if they knew who she was. It wasn't everyday the exclusive Edward Elric showed interest in anyone. Breda looked at the ceiling, mischievous ideas panning out in his mind.

Edward slammed the door and pulled his coat around himself more snugly. He looked up and down the perpendicular hallway. No one was around so he quickly made a right and ran for what he was worth. If he was fast enough, no one would think to even get in his way or stop him. No one that is, but a certain bastard who was around the corner and ALWAYS IN THE WAY.

Ed slammed into him so hard they both tumbled into a pile on the floor and papers went flying. Edward flushed a shade of read not known to man, got up, and dashed away before Mustang could even blink.

Colonel Mustang looked at the red coat whip around the corner and frowned. Fullmetal would need to learn a thing or two about manners once again. He gathered his papers slowly, deciding it was a good excuse to not be in the office reading the papers. He milked it for as much as he could when Hawkeye found him.

"Sir, what happened?" She asked and picked up a few sheets.

"Fullmetal," he commented offhandedly as he put the last document in his folder and began to walk towards the office. He opened the door and let Hawkeye in first. "That brat slammed into me like he was on fire."

Breda choked on his coffee. "He sure was Sir."

Hawkeye and Mustang looked at him and waited for an explanation.

"Oh it's nothing. He's just being a teenage boy instead of an alchemic machine. It's nice for a change."

Hawkeye shook her head and went into Roy's inner office to put the incoming mail on his desk. Roy saw she was out of ear shot. "Who's the girl?"

Breda grinned. "I only know her name is something like Eve or Eevie. It was hard to tell. I'm leaning more towards Eevie."

Mustang leaned forward. "How did you come by this intell?"

"He was moaning it in his sleep."

"That's it; we need to know exactly who she is." Roy looked up at the ceiling. "Unfortunately I don't know of any female personnel on this base by that name. Do you?"

"I do."

Mustang and Breda jumped when Hawkeye joined their conversation.

She looked them both over slowly, making them squirm. "I never knew you two were so interested in office gossip."

"We're not Hawkeye," Roy quickly said, knowing if it weren't for her folder full arms, he would be in mortal danger. "It's Fullmetal though. How can you NOT want to know? That snot's been turning his nose up at any and every girl unfortunate enough to cross his path. I would like to see this Eevie, I bet she could stop a train if she managed to get Ed to notice her."

Hawkeye sighed. "You already met her. She's Sheska's younger sister and here for the summer. You met her last week. She's Edward's age, brown bobbed hair and blue eyes."

Roy looked horror struck. "That prepubescent mouse with the dragonfly eyes has Ed all hot a bothered? That can't be right, there must be another girl."

"Just because you're a shallow egotistical player doesn't mean that Ed can't see past the face and like the brain. She's a smart girl; maybe they have something in common." She looked livid, which was a lot of emotion for someone like Hawkeye, but Roy wasn't fazed.

He put one hand in his pocket and rebutted, "Ed is too good looking to have something in common with that goat."

"She's not a goat!" Riza was in his face now, unable to keep her usual cool demeanour. "That girl is wonderful and kind."

"She's also build like a rake with binoculars tied on to the top for eyes."

"Hey! There's an easy way to test this." Breda cut in before the fire and firearms were brought out. "We should just follow him tonight."

Riza stepped back from Roy and took a breath. "And where would we be following him too?"

"Does that mean you're in, Riza?" Roy said smugly.

"Shut up Sir," she said calmly but with a hint of steel, "if you know what's good for you. Breda, where is he meeting Eevie?"

"That Two Left Shoes pub in the restaurant district, we could go early and reserve a table in the back corner. It could be a stakeout." Breda put his hands behind his head and smiled.

Roy smirked. "I declare this stakeout imperative to Fullmetal's safety. We are to stage it to see if an intervention is necessary for his dangerous behaviour. Plus, now that's its official, the meal is on the office."

Riza put the last of her folders down. "Fine, but don't tell the others. I don't want this to empty our petty cash."

----- ----- -----

Ed, once again, was standing on the edge of indecision and a curb, looking up. He could still run and wash his hands of the whole thing. What could possibly be good about sleeping around with the enemy? He thought idly of using Envy for information, but Ed doubted he was even capable of that. It would be more likely Envy was using him. So where did that leave Ed?

"Fuck, I'm like some puppy sitting outside the door for treats. I should just leave." Ed kept peeking in the Two Left Shoes pub in faint hope the place was closed for renovations, but the roar of happy customers was undeniable. Edward resolved that even if he wanted this to end, he had to at least tell the other man, because Elrics weren't cowards who ran like rats in the light.

He pulled the doors up and was attacked by a think cloud of smoke and random yells of glee. Edward navigated the smoky fog until he bumped into a bar. A tall woman in a white dress and green frilly apron costume patted him on the head. "Hello there dear, aren't you a bit young to be in a place like this?"

Ed tried to respond but instead inhaled the polluted air. He coughed and hacked until he gave up and showed the maiden his watch. She let him be and went on her way to serve other people. Edward squinted his eyes and waited as they got used to the dim light. There were a dozen boisterous large men at the bar, all huddled around a small radio. Edward only caught a few words, but it appeared a game was being broadcasted.

He ignored them and sat over at one of the smaller tables. The woman from before came to his small wooden table. "Can I get you a drink dear?"

Ed thought about it for a moment, he could technically order whatever he liked with his watch but decided he needed to find Envy first. "I'll have a coffee for now; I'm still looking for my friend."

"Oh, what's your friend look like," she inquired, her white bonnet flapping as she bobbed her head. It held all her hair up in two buns. Ed looked around a noticed all the waitresses had the same green apron and bonnet outfit. It must be a weird green theme.

"…I… don't know…" Ed kept looking around. The only hints he had were green and knight. Ed knew they were hints because that's how Envy worked. He loved these little games and that was about the only thing Ed knew about him.

What did he really know about the sin besides his favourite colour? Edward searched his brain for all those rare times they crossed paths in the past. He didn't get any further, but why did it matter? Ed grumbled and leaned back in his chair. It matter because he wanted to know, just for the sake of knowing, nothing more. It wasn't like they were a couple.

What a joke that would be. Edward smirked at the thought of them sitting down and sharing their hopes and fears. He even laughed at the thought of them loving each other. No, this weird game was just that, a game. It was lust, curiosity and maybe need, even if only on Ed's part. Ed knew now that he needed the closeness, he was just loath to admit it, but being at that foul pub was proof enough.

The woman came back with his coffee. "Anything else?"

Ed accepted the drink a sighed. "You wouldn't happen to know if a green knight is around, would you," he asked offhandedly.

"Most girls look for a white knight," she commented with a smile.

"Do I look like a fucking girl to you?" Ed could barely bite back his temper. He should really just cut off all his hair and be done with it.

The woman just smiled away and pointed to the bar behind the loud men listening to the game. "Joe Knight owns this bar. He has a daughter about your age and she's restocking the back room. By chance is she who you're looking for?"

Ed jumped up and slammed his money on the table. It was probably more than the coffee and conversation were worth but he didn't care. He dashed over to the bar and waited. Something exciting was bound to happen in that game eventually. Ed sat on one of the stools and waited for the right moment.

"GOAL!" The men cried and began to slap each other in merriment. Ed leaped over the counter and hid while none of them noticed. He crawled using the military skills he learned by necessity and stealthily enter the door into the back room.

"You lucked out. I was beginning to think you'd never ask someone. But then, The Fullmetal Alchemist never asks for help." A girl walked towards him with black hair in pigtails.

Her face slowly dissolved to reveal Envy and made its way down his body until he was completely a sin. Ed tongue went dry when the very naked homunculus gripped him by the belt and pulled him into what looked like someone's office.

"You know, Papa usually doesn't let me come to work with him. He says it's not proper for a girl like me to be hanging around a place like this, but tonight's the big game. I wanted to make him proud so I talked him into letting me do his inventory." Envy said all this in his regular voice, adding his own sexy spin on it. He changed back into the girl. "Am I being a good girl?"

"Envy cut that out." Edward whined as a cold hand decided to warm itself in his front pocket.

"But, my name is Emma, and I'm just an only child starving for attention from her prick father. Will you make me feel wanted?" Her clothing disappeared just like when Envy changed shapes.

"Change back into you already. You said I could top. Besides, what if we get caught?" Edward tried to reason with the sin but it was no good. He was melting with the simple application of lips on his neck.

"I said you could be top if you found me. You didn't, you were told where I was." Envy paused for a moment and looked thoughtful. "But I suppose it's not your fault; so as a compromise, you get to top her… well me as her. Come on princess, games make this more fun."

A small hand gripped him through his leather pants. "Fine, but next time, write down your goddamn rules or I'm not playing." Edward felt so weak and didn't give a flying fuck.

END

I want to take a moment and blame Silky who pelted me with links and new fics left, right and center the whole time I was trying to type this. For once, I didn't fall victim to temptation. NOW I will go read all of those things. YAY!

-Rix (demon, mouse and angst queen/pimp)