"What the fuck was that" asked a wavering voice from the doorway as two people entered the darkened room.
"Sirius, Remus" sighed James without even moving his head, "now is not really the time."
"Tough fucking shit!" snarled Sirius before demanding "James what's going on?"
When he received no response, Sirius's barely controlled anger flared causing him to slam the dorm room door so hard that a book fell off a nearby desk. James however didn't even seem to notice, didn't even seem to flinch.
Angered further by the lack of response Sirius strode over to where James was spread across his bed and stood imposingly over him, glaring, "Answer. Me," he ordered him sharply.
"I don't know what you mean" James answered in a monotone voice.
"Bull shit," Sirius said slowly, contemptuously raising an eyebrow. "You know exactly what I mean!" he continued frustrated, "remember who you're talking to James, remember that you have never been good at hiding things from me and visa versa."
"I'm not hiding anything. Where is this coming from?" James hedged
"Oh for the love of … do you really think I haven't noticed! You have been acting weird for weeks…but today took it to a whole new level; I mean for fucks sake what was that today?! I've never seen you do anything so stupid and with so little thought to the consequences, and that's saying something."
James gave him a hateful look before he noticed the underlying current of worry anxiety and a fear in Sirius's eyes, and he deflated
Seeing James back down Sirius took a deep breath and said quietly: "James you have always told me everything. I haven't said anything before now because I figured you would come to me when you were ready, but …"
James stared at his shoes knowing he was being completely serious and knowing that by not talking he was hurting Sirius but he just couldn't bring himself to say it. If he talked about it, it would become real and then he really would have to deal with the mess he was in.
Sirius who had always been able to read James like no one else seem to realise this was something that James didn't want to share, not even with him, and it shocked him to the core. After a moment though he sighed "I know that if you feel like you can't tell me it must be important." he said trying to mask the hurt and confusion he felt at James not trusting him.
"Sirius," James pleaded quietly begging him not to push, to understand that that wasn't an attack on him or a reflection on the strength of their friendship.
"No, it's ok." Sirius said in a gruff voice turning to leave
Throughout the conversation Remus had stood against the back wall; just staring, at the events unfolding before him, in complete bewilderment. He had always been very close to James and Sirius, but he knew his relationship with them didn't even compare to the bond between the two of them. James and Sirius were closer that brothers and neither one had ever lied to or avoided the other, even when they were angry.
James was keeping something from Sirius and Sirius was walking away form James. It was so wrong, they had been one unit since … forever.
Remus looked to where James now sat on his bed looking as if the world was falling apart and it probably was as far as James was concerned. Remus knew James had always been brave and loyal and that he seem to be able to face anything, but he had always had Sirius to back him up.
"Padfoot," called Remus, causing Sirius to freeze just as his hand reached for the door handle.
Remus followed his friends foot steps and when he reached him, he grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him back around to look towards the thoroughly miserable form of James, "Don't walk way, no matter how little he wants to tell you and no matter how shitty he gets, right now he's miserable and you know him better than anyone." Remus lowered his voice so even Sirius had to strain to hear, "You owe him Sirius"
After an agonisingly long moment Sirius nodded, not really needing to be convinced just needing a little push in the right direction. He took a hesitant step back towards James and as he did so Remus excused himself from the room
"You know?" Sirius finally said, "if I didn't know better I would swear this was about-"
"Just leave it alright" James said cutting him off and getting more agitated. "I really don't feel like getting lectured!"
"I'm not going to lecture you!" said an offended Sirius "and I will not leave it! How could I? Bloody hell James what was that today, I mean do you have some kind of death wish or are you just plain stupid. You just dove in front of her, I didn't even see you hesitate, I…"
"You would have done the same thing. You would have tired to help anyone and just like me. The fact that it was her makes absolutely no difference!"
"The fuck it doesn't," Sirius answered disbelievingly. "I just can't believe you did that… but you're right I wouldn't…couldn't have left her to fend for herself, but I don't think anyone but you would have thrown themselves in the way like that as if… as if they were some kind of test dummy."
In response James just rolled his eyes dismissively
"You do realize you nearly died trying to save her, don't you?" Sirius said slowly in order to give his words the impact he thought they deserved.
"Shut up and leave it alone, you're just being melodramatic," James responded.
"No I'm not and you know it," he replied softly. "… are you lying to me or to yourself James?"
"Just spit out whatever you want to say," James said, turning his face away from the boy who was staring intently at him, uncomfortable because he knew Sirius could read him like a book.
"You're still in love with her," Sirius said in hushed and uneasy voice.
That announcement was met with silence, which told Sirius all he needed to know. "Bugger," Sirius sighed, head in his hands as he sat down slowly on the side of his own bed so he was facing James.
"What?" James asked sharply.
"I was just really, really hoping I was wrong."
"Wrong about what? I'm not in love with her, how could I be we barely get along" he scoffed half heartedly.
Sirius let out a choked laugh, "you can't fool me I've known something was up for months but I just could put my finger on it… So what? Are we going to revert back to the old ways, with you moping and obsessive without a chance… did you forget that she despises you?"
"She doesn't despise me," he defended quietly.
"Oh I'm sorry did I miss something did she miraculously change her… Oh for love of Merlin something happened didn't it?"
One look at James face and Sirius knew.
"How could I have not have noticed?" said Sirius frowning at himself in self reproach before his frown deepened and he continued in a slightly more hurt and accusing voice. "How could you have not told me?"
"I'm sorry I lied to you," James said softly, "but I didn't know what else to do"
The minutes ticked by in silence with Sirius assessing the situation, when suddenly he jumped up and stormed over to his friend and hit him. Hard.
"Hey, what the bugger are you doing?" he cried indignantly.
Sirius ignored the reprimand: "James you selfish wanker!—Oh this makes so much sense now" he continued throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation. "I've been watching you fall apart but I couldn't figure out why…. James you have to give this up she's got a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend. We may say, be and do a lot of things, but..."
Comprehension dawned upon him and James face took on a guilty look.
"What about Kim have you even thought about her?" demanded Sirius
"Of course I have!" James defended, "but she's not Lily and no amount of wishing and trying is going to change that. I need Lily in my life and if I had to choose it would always be her, I can't make myself leave her, I just haven't got it in me!"
"Stop blaming her when it's you," said Sirius sharply
"Fuck off Sirius, you have no idea …."
"Explain it to me then."
After a moment of glaring James began: "We've been meeting secretly, I've been sneaking around jeopardising everything just so I can spend time with her and you know what's frightening… just that little bit of time she spends with me, the thought that she wants to be with me and that she would jeopardise her own relationship in return because she can't stay away from me either…wow… yeah, it's enough to keep my feelings for her alive and so strong now that no matter how hard I try to ignore them I can't."
When Sirius's eyebrows rose sceptically James continued earnestly, "I'm not trying to make my life complicated, but … I can't turn her down. Honestly, I want to give it up, what I'm doing makes me feel like dirt and I think it's not worth it, but when I've tried to walk away, I find I can't live without her… I'm in too deep, all I can see is her, I can't help myself…The funny thing is," he continued as he gave a humourless laugh, "is that I really thought I didn't care any more, but one lingering look from her and my hope sprang back to life… the minute she touched me I was right back where I started," he shrugged loosing steam finishing lamely, "what can say …she's… Evans…"
"Yes, and believe it or not I understand, but she's got a boyfriend, and you have to accept that, you have to accept that you can't have her, that you have no right to do this… you're better than this. You've got to leave her alone, it's how it's got to be and you know it." stated Sirius quietly but firmly
"Yes, logically I know that," said James before he carried on insistently, desperate for Sirius to understand. "But I feel it Padfoot, when she's with me I have all of her and she wants me just as much as I want her… but you're right she has a boyfriend and she goes back to him every time and I'm… they are fucking everywhere and I'm going insane having to watch them," he said grabbing his hair. "A few weeks ago I saw them and the way he held her it drove me crazy, I spent the rest of the day wishing it was me!"
"I know it's my fault, and I can't believe I got myself into this position, and believe me I've come so close, so many times, to saying something… to causing a commotion and telling the whole world about it, about us, but I stop myself because I know that if I do I run the run the risk of losing her and that's far worse than having to deal with all this"
Sirius was gob smacked and felt like he was reeling, "how much could you possible love her?" he tried weakly.
Sirius knew the answer, but was still shocked when James said out loud and with total seriousness: "Is there limit?"
Sirius bobbed his head in response, "I know mate," Sirius said sadly. "I know how you used to feel about her, I know that you think that Remus and I didn't really know, but we did so this doesn't really surprise me… my only advice is: before you make a decision, think twice."
James grabbed at his hair processing the advice before he said in a strained voice, "Why do I feel this way Sirius, why can't I just let it be?"
"I don't know mate I really don't know"
"Sirius?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry again that I lied to you."
"That's alright… James mate," he laughed lightly. "I'm the least of you worries"
A/N
Sorry there was a bit of a wait I hope it was worth it.
I'm afraid I cannot promise to post again until after Xmas, so just in case I don't I would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year.
Thank you to cosmopolitan the beta and to all those who reviewed, please keep it up x
T-H-E OANA, Cymru01, WhiteCamellia, kiki08, justplainstupid, LadyKnightSusan, chuttie, microtig, wicca-girl14, KATExYOU, Twinker, Lady Knight Keladry, sheila1990, Chelle-Lynn, brianna24, IzaBella Pheonix, Froody