AN:

Well fuck its not a hallucination... its a update! LOL

As I have said in many of my replies to you patient and wonderful readers, I AM SO SORRY for the wait but unfortunately real life must come first and for me real life came in the form of 5 hideously traumatic and brutal exams all over the space of a week. I am afraid I had no time to do more that revise, eat, sleep, and occasionally pee…. ok that may be a bit of an overstatement but I was very busy with revision

Despite that the important thing to remember is that I'm BACKKKKKKK (does a little happy dance)

And here is the new chap… BUT

I really REALLY wasn't sure about posing this version… but I felt so bad for making you wait as long as I already have that I decided I just had to post… and so here it is…

I warn you though my beta was… shocked to say the least and appeared to be left a little speechless that I could be this…cruel… let me know what you think by remembering to review

Once again I really did try to post and am genuinely sorry about the wait

Onward!

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It was almost midnight when James finally reached the hospital wing, having had decided it would be best if he took some time to digest everything that had happened that day, before going and charging off to talk to Lily. And he was glad he had, he would have been emotionally charged enough without having to deal with whatever was about to come.

He knew it probably wasn't going to go well, especially because it was coming from him. It had occurred to him during his musing that she wouldn't believe him; he was the bloke's competition after all. Not to mention James and Kim had both gone into their relationship eyes wide open, he figured Lily was a little more sentimental and romantic about her relationship than he had been about his own. It was probably going to be a blow.

No matter how it went though he had failed to keep track of the time, and by the time he realised how long it had been he was a little unsure as to whether she would have been released yet or not. One very large part of him wanted her to be okay enough to leave, but another tiny part hoped she would still be there, that would guarantee privacy—privacy they would not get when she returned to the hero's welcome she was likely to receive once she stepped foot back in Gryffindor tower.

James looked up and found he had finally reached the imposing hospital wing doors, where he couldn't help but hesitate for just a moment.

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It was pitch black outside, and the castle was completely silent. It was a little unnerving, but peaceful at the same time. She was staring out the window thinking when she heard the door open.

She had been sort of expecting it, and so she waited with bated breath.

At first she could only feel his warm breath on her neck but then after a few moments she felt the tentative touch of his hand, gently caressing the back of her neck.

"Are you alright?" he said in a low voice just as she felt a strong arm wrap around her torso.

"Yes" she whispered placing a hand gently on top of his, "are you?"

"Much better now that I've seen you for myself," he said, pulling her even closer to him as his words brought with them a tense silence.

Eventually, however, Lily broke it, "I was so scared; why would you jump in front of me like that?"

"Because it was you." he said gently, before lightly kissing her neck.

She repositioned her head to lean back against his chest, needing the contact as confirmation that he was there and still in one piece, before saying, in a small voice, "You could have been hurt."

"I'm fine," he reassured her. "Except I have to admit that I hate that he was the one who got to comfort you," he whispered into her hair.

She opened her mouth to say something but decided against it when slowly, torturously in her opinion, his fingers gently traced a path down the column of her throat to the buttons at the top of her hospital issue pyjamas and let it continue until his hand was resting just inside the shirt, over her heart. Then he leaned in and gave her a lingering kiss on her neck, letting his tongue make a slow trail across her skin.

It was only the lightest of caresses but it seemed such a gentle, loving caress, that it shocked her. It was as if he believed her to be the most precious thing in the world. It was definitely not a normal part of whatever this was, and it definitely wasn't allowed she had to remind herself forcefully. He had a girlfriend and she would not be the other woman no matter how much she liked him or how good he made her feel.

But before she could tell him her thoughts, he had thrown all caution aside and was kissing her, roughly—passionately, touching her everywhere he could reach, trying to prevent his heart from breaking at the thought that he had almost lost her. His mind hadn't let him face what had almost happened until just now when he had felt her strong and slightly fast heartbeat. But now that he was there—with her and they were alone and exposed he was desperate for her, desperate to affirm they were both alive and well. That fear seemed to consume him and the more he thought about it, the more he increased the strength of his kiss.

Lily could feel the urgency in his touch and couldn't help but reciprocate as she felt that same need for reassurance. She couldn't believe what he had done for her especially after the way she had been treating him recently.

Wrapped up as they were, James didn't realise he had pushed her back across one of the beds behind them until her back hit the mattress. He leaned over her kissing her with every last breath when suddenly it occurred to him what he was doing. He was being selfish; she was in the hospital wing recovering from a Death Eater attack while her boyfriend was off snogging other girls and he was trying to take advantage of her. But just as he gained some control over himself and was pushing himself off of her, she reached up and pulled him back on top of her, and for another few moments he was lost. He had always been weak when it came to her.

So he settled between her legs and kissed her fiercely while he ran his hands up and down gently feeling her warm body thought her thin pyjamas. Just as James started to unbutton the front buttons of her shirt, he realised they were about to become overwhelmed with each other again and he wasn't sure his heart could stand a repeat of the previous 'incident' between them, things had spiralled out of control then too and then it had all gone very wrong very quickly. With those thoughts in mind he wrenched himself away from her gasping before pulling her up roughly and wrapping his arms tightly around her.

"I'm sorry," he said gently resting his chin on the crown of her head, "but we are getting carried away again and we really need to talk."

"Yeah, you're right, I think we do," she replied breathlessly into his chest.

So they both sat together on the edge of one of the beds for a moment trying to regain their composure, James with his arms wrapped protectively around Lily.

"James," she finally mumbled her voice shaking, "what are we doing—why are we doing it? We agreed what happened between us is just physical and it's wrong. I mean people are going to wonder, its amazing no one has caught on already all the foolish mistakes we've been making."

James wisely decided now was not the time to tell her that everyone important already knew, and so instead said "So we're finally acknowledging that every time we meet and say it's the last time, that it's going to stop, we're lying to ourselves?"

She pulled back a little and just looked at him and he finally said "well actually it was you who agreed it was only physical, and I tried to follow your wishes, but I can't stay detached, not any more, and definitely not with you Lily. What happened to you—the worry I felt, as if I was going to be physically sick, and I've never been so scared in all my life."

"What about Kim?" she asked in a small voice. "It's not right" she continued in a voice laced with hurt and guilt.

"She is everything I should have wanted, but she's not you. I would kiss her and have to stop myself from thinking about you—"

"Well that's not good enough, she's your girlfriend, try harder," she ordered, pushing him back even further and staring in to his eyes.

"Look honestly from the first moment we kissed," he said seriously, staring directly back at her, "I knew you were the one. In fact I knew long before that."

After a pause in which Lily merely raised her eyebrows he finally said, a little self consciously, "There was a reason I kept asking you out when we were younger"

"You were infatuated,"

"No Lily… I loved you…"

"No," she said quickly. "Don't say that, if it was anything it was puppy love, you haven't even liked me for years, love just doesn't go away," she said shaking her head a little.

"Your right it didn't go away," he said forcefully. "I just buried it convinced that this was never going to happen. Look, honestly, the moment I saw you I knew there was something between us or at least that there could be. But you turned out to be so unreceptive to my feelings that I figured that it didn't really matter how I felt if you couldn't stand to be near me let alone date me. So I left you alone, but when we actually hooked up Lily I knew…I knew I still needed you and wanted you and that what was between us hadn't been my imagination because this time round you were enjoying it as much as me."

She turned away form him and he desperately said "I really wish I wasn't in love with you. I hate the thought of what I've been doing to Kim; I would even go so far as to say I despise myself. But it's a lie being with her and what I was doing was just hurtful."

"What were you doing to her?" asked Lily with a tinge of jealousy.

"I was pretending to love her." he replied quietly.

"You're talking nonsense."

"I'm not, Lily," he sighed. "But okay, I won't argue with you about it right now…whatever this is now… whether its like or lust… or love" he said looking intently at her trying gauge her reaction. "We can't keep doing it this way, it's not right."

He received no response.

"Lily" he said anxiously before grabbing her hand and turning her back to face him. "I want to be with you… not her, not anyone else! But this needs to become legitimate or it ends, what we have at the moment is—it's twisted and it isn't enough, I'm not sure anything I ever have with you will ever be enough, but this is awful and I can't believe that I'll actually ever be able to walk away from you, but—but I will if I have to, even if it breaks my heart."

"If you want me you can have me, but you need to decide now."

"Even if I wanted you too," she replied shakily, "I refuse to be the other woman… and anyway you can't expect me to just up and change my life, change my opinions of you, turn my world upside down without any time to think about it."

He scoffed at her, "this has been going on for too long now for you to honestly be able to say you can't make a decision… that you haven't thought about it… and as far as being the other woman goes you are the only woman I want…I brok--"

"What exactly is it that you want from me?" she sighed quietly.

"I want to be the one you go to whenever you're in trouble or upset, I want to be allowed to hold you whenever I want, I want you to be happy all the time and especially whenever you see me. I'm willing to do anything for you and I want you to feel the same. I want you to be with me, be my girlfriend, and—Merlin I don't know, maybe even marry me one day."

She gave him a sharp look "Get a grip Potter."

James threw his hands up in the air, "How can you forget everything we've come to mean to each other, like there is nothing between us, when I can't stop thinking about you? When I think about you so much sometime I think I'm going to go crazy if I can't see you?"

"James-"

"No! You are so desperate to fight this you can't see what's right in front of your face? Why has it always been this way between us? Why is it always me trying to convince, coax, or bribe you to do something, to get you to even give an inch? Why can it never be easy, why do you have to fight me every fucking step of the way. I'm sick of this. Open your eyes Lily; you want me, why can't you see that? Are you so buried in denial that you really believe this is just physical because this would have ended a long time ago if that was the case" he finished angrily.

"Just give us a chance," he finally said after a deep breath, giving her hand a squeeze. "Is that really too much for you to do?"

James waited for minute after agonising minute but she still remained silent, staring at their joined hands.

"Lily, please?" James eventually implored her to say something the emotion in his voice evident. His pain sounded raw and desperate causing her heart to stop. She stared at him a moment tears welling up in her eyes before she turned away from him again and dropped his hand.

Seeing this James thought he actually felt his heart break. He knew she wanted him, he knew she knew she wanted him, but that just made this all the more painful, all the worse, because she knew and she was still walking away, and so he finally gave in. "Goodbye Lily," he said as he kissed her forehead before getting up and leaving.

Lily waited until he was out of the room and out of hearing range before breaking down into great wrenching sobs.

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AN

So was it worth the wait? Was I too mean? Should I have spent longer posting and made this chap a nice happy fluffy end to the story??

Either way this is not the last chap but the story is almost over.

The next chap (possibly the last) is in the beginning stages of being written so there shouldn't be any more ridiculously long waits and so please forgive and forget and review.

xxxxxxx

Thank you to the beta and to all those who reviewed

Cymru01, kiki08, TickleBug, Lady Knight Keladry, Yay-Watermelons, WhiteCamellia, brianna24, siabrach, thestralwhisperer, IWantToMarryJames, T-H-E OANA, mrsbrandonflowers, justplainstupid, vampireprincess1606, cameraobscura18, zuska1985, Chelle-Lynn, potterlady4691, sheila1990, KATExYOU, Froody, overly-awesome