James hadn't left straight away as Lily had assumed he had, but instead after closing the door behind him had leaned his head against the door and tried to take a few deep breaths past the lump that had formed in his own throat. He certainly didn't want to walk through the school looking like he was about to cry, even if nobody was out at this time of night.

Just as he was about to leave he heard her. Heard her start to cry, she sounded so desperately heartbroken that he turned around and rested his forehead on the wooden door while his hand reached out and settled on the door knob.

But suddenly after having been standing there for what felt like ages he realised what he was about to do and he removed his hand like the door knob had burnt him, pushed his body away from the door, turned swiftly, and walked in the other direction fighting his heart and his instinctual desire to go and make it all better for her.

This was her fault and he was done being the Muppet who couldn't say no, who couldn't deny her anything. He had finally realised he wasn't enough for her and he was done begging. He'd tried that with her and it hadn't worked, he just couldn't take any more, he wasn't strong enough.

As he strode further away from the hospital wing and further away from her he felt something shift inside making his heart go a little cold and suddenly he made a promise to himself: he was never going to let her hurt him like this again, he wasn't going to give her the chance.

He eventually reached his own bed and started to undress mechanically, like his body was simply on autopilot.

Sirius had watched him enter and walk over to his bed, watched the sharp calculated moves of his hand and felt his heart sink.

He stood up and stood next to James and stared sympathetically at him, James hands stilled in their movements at Sirius's presence.

"James are—are you alright?"

"Fine," James replied in what Sirius recognised as the cold voice, one that he used whenever he was about to break down, the voice he used when he had shut down his emotions, a desperate attempt to prevent himself from completely falling apart. That fact truly worried Sirius as he had only ever heard that tone from James twice and he didn't want to repeat either of those times.

Sirius didn't say anything else just put a hand on his shoulder and they both stood there quietly.

And even though James would never say it to Sirius, and Sirius didn't need to hear it, they both knew that, albeit a small one, it was a comfort.

Sirius gave one last squeeze and showing an understanding of James that James was always in awe of, walked over to his own bed where he retook his place, lying down without saying a word and without pestering him for answers, but did not close the curtains like he would have under normal circumstances, merely turned and watched as James copied his movements. Sirius, the quiet and supportive presence, was the only thing that allowed James to even attempt to sleep.

--

The next morning Lily pried her sore eyes open and put a hand to her aching head as Emily banged her way into the hospital wing looking fit to burst.

"Well?!" she demanded from across the room. "Did you get together? Are you in love? Can I be a bridesmaid?" she said, giggling uncharacteristically at her own implications, before throwing herself down into the chair next to Lily's bed and finally taking a good look at her.

"What the bloody….ooh if that stupid git fucked this up again I'm going to cut off his balls and use them as ornaments on my mantelpiece!"

"What?" croaked Lily her throat sore from her crying, "How did you know?… Oh Merlin how much do you know?!"

"All of it, I think." said Emily frowning "It kind of came out last night, but don't blame James he didn't tell us we found out, but forget that for a moment because Lily you look like you have been crying all night…did things not go well with James?"

"You could say that," she replied just as the first tear of the day slid down her cheek.

Emily leant forward worriedly, cradling Lily's hand, "What happened flower?"

Seeing her friend looking so sympathetic, so worried about her made her start to cry harder. But Lily told the story around her tears as best as she could, feeling shame rise in her with every word. She knew she had made the right decision but she still felt like she needed to be punished for causing both herself and James so much pain.

When she was done Emily stared at her for a moment before whispering in a barely controlled voice "You did what!?"

"You heard me," Lily answered whilst picking at her cover so that she didn't have to see Emily and the look she was probably giving her.

"But why!?" Emily cried. "What did you do you absolute moron… I just cant believe you really did something this stupid…

"What do you mean why? Of course I turned him down, I didn't want to, but everything is just so complicated and I don't know how to uncomplicate it."

"It complicated because you made it so Lily!" said Emily sharply, "What childish, weak, stupid reason did you give yourself to justify this foolish decision?" Emily asked crossly letting go of Lily's hand and leaning back in the chair she was in.

"He has a girlfriend already Emily! And I know I was cheating too, but how can I be with someone who comes to me and begs me to be with them when they still have a back up girlfriend? I made a lot of mistakes with James and by starting this weird twisted relationship, but I'm doing my best to make up for that. If James and I are ever going to be together I don't want it to be tainted by this, with her feelings on my conscience.—Not to mention, James and I, together, make one of the weirdest pairings I can imagine, we would fight constantly he would always be doing something stupid and I would turn out to be too cold and calculating for him… it just wouldn't work!"

"No Lily you're wrong! You are anything but cold and calculating; and James does ridiculous things, not stupid ones, there is a difference. Either way there is something about you and James, something different. Yeah, I don't agree with the cheating part, but this has been bubbling below the surface for both of you for too long, so I'm not surprised that once it started, that you couldn't stop. You two fit. I can see it, Sirius and Remus can see it, and I bet most of the school can as well! Then there's poor James who saw it before any of us. Why can't you Lily!?"

"What are you so bloody frightened of? I never thought I would take Potters side over yours, but right now Lily…" she trailed off

Emily took a deep calming breath before adding "It's unfortunate for Kim and Jacob but you can't live your life trying to protect everyone's feelings. It's better to end those relationships if both of you are aware of the fact that there's someone else out there who you would rather be with. It's not fair to you and it's definitely not fair on them; they deserve to have someone who reciprocates their feelings completely not with them just because it's convenient."

"I know that!" Lily shouted "and that's part of the reason I broke up with Jacob."

"Really, you broke up with him?" Emily asked with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, I did. Yesterday after you left and before James came to see me, I was going to do it anyway, but he was being such a twat yesterday that I couldn't even bare to stay with him any longer."

"Well…well good!" said Emily with a nod of her head to emphasise her approval. "But you are still in a whole world of a mess here Lily and you brought it on yourself and… and I think I may be a little too angry at your stupidity to help you."

--

Today was definitely not a good day Lily thought miserably: Emily was mad at her, she had stomped all over James heart, stomped all over her own, and she had yet to stop crying. Even she had to admit even she was a little surprised by how upset she was.

"So you and James, eh?"

Oh and her day just got worse.

"What do you mean?" she asked quietly.

"Don't play stupid Lily it doesn't suit you… and I deserve the truth, we both need to have this conversation."

"Nothing is going on between me and James… there was, but…"she admitted, deciding he was right and being truthful for the first time in what seemed forever.

She was expecting him to be upset at her, to shout at her, and so she was surprised when he said: "Why, what happened?"

"I turned him down."

"Oh why?" he asked as if it pained him, "You and I were broken up after all, what was stopping you?"

"I'll say the same thing to you as I said to Emily, how can I be with someone who comes to me and begs me to be with them when they still have someone else? It was bad enough what we had—never mind… anyway how could I do that to Kim? How could I do that to anyone?"

"You still felt that way even after James told you?" he asked incredulously. "I know you can be pretty selfless Lily, but that might be a bit extreme, even for you."

"What? What should he have told me and why would it make me selfless?"

Hearing that Jacob's mouth snapped shut in a tight line and he started weighing up his options, but suddenly he became resigned. He wasn't going to get in the way if this, even if it would save his own arse if he didn't confess. Just like Kim he could see… even if she couldn't.

"He caught me, caught me in a broom cupboard with someone right after we broke up… I'm sorry," he added hurriedly, "but well I was upset and—"

Lily held up a hand to stop him, "It's okay, I think we can call it even, there is no need to apologise."

"Anyway he hit me… a lot," he said gesturing to his still cut lip. "And at first I thought it was because I was with Kim, but it quickly became more than obvious that he was more worried about you than the fact I had cheated with his girlfriend."

Lily sat there with her mouth hanging open before chocking out "Wait what… what did you just say?"

"I said I cheated on you."

She waved the sentence away frantically causing Jacob to take a small slightly frightened step back "NO!" she almost shouted. "No, after that, what did you say?"

Jacobs face saddened before saying, "I was with Kim. She was the one in the cupboard with me… James loves you, even Kim could see it. She told him, to his face, how pathetic she thought it was that she had to be the one to tell him and… well the general gist of it is that they broke up and by the sounds of it… he came straight to see you."

Lily nodded, before ineloquently saying "Oh."

Lily stood perfectly still for a moment before collapsing into a heap again and crying so hard Jacob was worried she would hurt herself.

"Oh Lily," sighed Jacob almost sympathetically before crouching down and placing his hand on her back.

"If you like him so much why don't you just go to him? He'll understand, I really think he loves you," he said so quietly she almost couldn't hear him over her own sobs.

Nevertheless she did hear and she threw her arms round his neck and hugged him tight ,"You are such a good man." she managed to say "I'm sorry I've treated you so poorly, it really wasn't my intention to hurt you, you were a good boyfriend and I was just rubbish to you I'm so sorry—"

"I don't fucking believe it!" they heard a male voice shout from the door way, they both turned still embracing to see Sirius standing in the door way looking ready to kill.

"If this was your reason… that you just wanted to continue with this prick you should have just fucking said Evans! I thought I would come here and try and sort out this mess, I thought you loved him, that you were just too fucking scared or stupid to get with him. I actually felt a little bad for you because I thought I understood how hard this decision was for you especially when I found out James was stupid enough not to tell you what happened between Kim and Jacob… I thought of course she would say no despite recent events Lily Evans is not a cheater!… and his timing was poor as usual, I mean you're still in the hospital wing for goodness sake…but don't worry I see exactly what you are now, you just like playing with his feelings, it just gives you a boost to think he's out there pining after you! So you know what I certainly I won't be trying to fix anything anymore and I certainly won't be bothering you again," he ended, giving her a dirty look before turning around and leaving slamming the door as he went.

"Oh dear, umm… shouldn't you go after him and explain?" Jacob asked. "This could be your chance Lily."

Lily didn't answer though; she just sat on the floor staring at the door with tears streaming down her face.

"You're making a mistake." whispered Jacob with obvious difficulty before he stood up and quietly followed in Sirius's footsteps.

Oh fuck she thought maybe she was a fool. Out of everyone and every thing she had done, all the people she had deceived during the thing with James; Jacob, her friends Emily and Lucy, and especially James himself when she told him she didn't care, she realised none of it compared to the way she had convinced herself into believing she couldn't shouldn't and wouldn't ever care for James, it had been a deception of the worst kind the kind where she had deceived her self.

And suddenly she felt overwhelming panic rising in her over what she may have just lost.

Yes Lily thought after she had finally dragged herself up off the floor hours later and into the hospital wing bed, this has been a very bad day.

---

AN:

Now how about that for a swift update!

I hope it goes someway to making you all forgive me for the period of absence.

Ok so the next chapter is probably the last… I know I said that last time, but I think I'm right this time.

Because it is the last, this is my final opportunity to bribe you to review and as such:

If you want me to post the next chap swiftly I would like to beat my record for reviews for one chapter, if not more (hint hint) (25 if you were wondering)

It would make me very happy : )

Thanks to cosmo and all those who reviewed:

justplainstupid, IWantToMarryJames, potterlady4691, siabrach, thestralwhisperer, WhiteCamellia, brianna24, mrsbrandonflowers, overly-awesome, Lady Knight Keladry, IzaBella Pheonix, kiki08, KATExYOU, Froody, WestSide Love, Confoundment