Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers. All recognizable characters are the property of HasTak. All unrecognizable ones are the intellectual property of yours truly; their theft is punishable by severe voodoo-induced pain in any and all sensitive organs of the body, followed by eternal damnation.

Because, you know, stealing is wrong.

Title: On The Care And Feeding Of Humans

Summary: Transformers AU. Juxtaposition side story. So you think you're ready for a human all your own, but do you know how to care for one? ... Ratchet and Wheeljack are doing their best to figure it out.

Rating: PG

Warnings: mild cursing

Author Notes: Oneshot the second: humans are not particularly picky when it comes to diet... usually...

Timeframe: After Sideswipe's 'return', roughly two days after Evelyn's first awakening. (behind the scenes: Ch. 13)

On The Care And Feeding Of Humans

Diet

It seems odd, don't you think, that the quality of the food should vary inversely with the brightness of the lighting. Makes you wonder what culinary heights the kitchen staff could rise to if you confined them to perpetual darkness. Could be worth a try, I think. Got some good vaults in the college that could be turned over to the purpose. I think I showed you round them once, hmmm? Nice brickwork.
– Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, Douglas Adams

'Primus, what is wrong with you?'

Evelyn placed one hand over her grumbling, moaning stomach. It's called hunger pangs.

'Well, eat something then. There's cloth in that box over there. Have at it.'

What? Evelyn glared at the tabletop since she was unable to glare at the voice itself. What do I look like, a goat?

'Do something. This is horrible.'

Evelyn sighed, returning to her current occupation: staring blankly into space and wishing that she had paid more attention when her sister had gone through her 'meditation-to-control-your-mind-and-body' stage.

We'll just have to wait, she thought at last. I'm out of granola... not that two bars were very filling anyway...

And Wheeljack said he'd be done soon.

'I don't know if you've caught on, but Cybertronians have something of a different concept of "soon" than you humans do.'

He said soon, she repeated firmly.

Outside her room, she heard the familiar hiss of the main 'bay doors opening. Like a dog hearing its owner's footsteps, she stiffened and looked toward the doorway expectantly. The voices of Ratchet and Wheeljack could be heard, coming nearer.

Maybe soon is sooner than you think.

The two scientists stepped through the doorway, Wheeljack with an energon cube in one hand and a tray of... something in the other.

"Hello, Evelyn," greeted the inventor cheerily, head-fins flashing, "and Sideswipe, I suppose."

"Hello, Evelyn," Ratchet echoed, with considerably less cheer.

"Hi there."

"Good news!" said Wheeljack, setting down the tray on the table beside her. On it was a pile of yellow-brown cubes, each roughly the size of an ottoman with a texture similar to that of leather. He set down the energon cube, revealing that it was filled with water. "I finished the analysis of the Earth data we had, and I think I've come up with a solution to your food problem." He gestured at the cubes, and she moved closer to look. "It's a balanced blend of all the necessary nutrients of the human diet. It should be everything you need."

Evelyn eyed the cubes uncertainly. Her stomach growled.

"Well, go ahead," encouraged Wheeljack.

Tentatively, she reached out to touch one of the cubes. It was soft, almost springy, and she pulled off a piece, rolling it lightly between her fingers.

Mama always said to never play with food...

Somehow, I think she'd make an exception.

It had a vaguely foamy texture, very soft, like white bread, but slightly rubbery. She made a mental note to ask one of the mechs whether or not it would spoil in open air: it would have made a wonderful mattress.

She placed the yellow-brown substance between her palms and squeezed, then held the resulting pancake in one hand and watched nervously as the alleged foodstuff promptly reinflated to its original shape and size.

Wheeljack looked on expectantly, Ratchet doubtingly.

I suppose I should at least... try it...

'Wait, wait, wait... You're not actually going to eat that, are you?'

Anything's better than starving, she thought.

... though I might be retracting that statement in a moment...

The food-foam looked dry, and her mouth certainly was not watering, so she dipped her hand in the provided water and sprinkled it lightly over the small lump.

She dropped it with a squawk when the foam began to bubble and steam. It landed with a squishy thud on the tabletop and proceeded to melt into a puddle of brown slime.

"Wheeljack..." growled Ratchet.

"Whoops," said Wheeljack. "I brought the wrong group."

Evelyn stared at the inventor, wide-eyed. Ratchet sent his companion a narrow glare. Wheeljack gave a soft, sheepish rumble.

"No problem! I'll just get the other group. Won't be a breem..." The white and gray mech swept up the tray of cubes and left through the medbay doors.

'He's a walking hazard area,' said the voice, sounding vaguely ill.

"Ratchet," said Evelyn, "Just for future reference, I'm going to teach you something very important."

The white and red mech fixed his glowing blue eyes on her in interest. "What's that?"

"It's called the Heimlich Maneuver."

End Diet

Heimlich Maneuver - An emergency technique used to eject an object, such as food, from the trachea of a choking person. The technique employs a firm upward thrust just below the rib cage to force air from the lungs. (source: American Heritage Dictionary)