Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers. All recognizable characters are the property of HasTak. All unrecognizable ones are the intellectual property of yours truly; their theft is punishable by severe voodoo-induced pain in any and all sensitive organs of the body, followed by eternal damnation.

Because, you know, stealing is wrong.
Title: On The Care And Feeding Of Humans

Summary: Transformers AU. Juxtaposition side story. So you think you're ready for a human all your own, but do you know how to care for one? ... Ratchet and Wheeljack are doing their best to figure it out.

Rating: PG

Warnings: mild cursing

Author Notes: Number seven: to keep your human happy and healthy, regular bathing should be included as part of a daily routine.

Timeframe: Some time after Sunstreaker has been assigned as part of Evelyn's 'socialization' schedule. (post Ch. 25)

On The Care And Feeding Of Humans

Hygiene

If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the hot tub!
- Principle Wexler, "Even Stevens"

The lake stretched before her, glistening water rippling invitingly, tendrils of steam rising from its surface. Evelyn stared in amazement, lungs laboring pleasantly to draw in the humid air, hair already beginning to lay more heavily down her back from the moisture. The metal surroundings did not matter, nor did the strange square shape of the lake's shore. It was water, and it was warm.

However, it was not empty... not completely. Large enough to hold perhaps ten to twelve mechs, the nearest edge was occupied by the gray, green, and yellow minibot Brawn and the imposing black form of Trailbreaker. Brawn glanced mildly in her direction before returning to his conversation with Trailbreaker. She was at a loss to determine the expression of the black mech (a visor and facemask made that difficult), but he and Hound had always been perfectly pleasant to her in the past.

"Keep out of the way," grunted Sunstreaker, plunking her unceremoniously on the floor just inside the washrack door and striding toward the lake. Trailbreaker and Brawn moved to provide the yellow mech with more than ample room as he slid in with a rush of water, slopping waves up onto the deck plating.

I haven't seen this much water since Lake Lanier, she thought.

'If we're spending time with Sunny,' said the voice, a sense of bubbly cheerfulness at their new situation overlying every word, 'then get used to it. He probably spends more time here than in his quarters.'

To her right was a wall lined with what could only be described as four-story shower stalls, the floor not solid plating but huge grates. To the left, the floor was also grates, and the ceiling bore what looked like enormous vents.

I'm in the giant alien robot locker room. Despite the rationality that 'they don't wear clothes; they can't get naked,' her cheeks still heated with a blush.

She walked further into the room, remaining on the strip of solid flooring leading toward the lake, her bare feet slapping lightly against the moist metal. The gigantic well of water swelled in her vision, larger and larger, and the filthy clothes upon her back itched as though infested with a thousand lice.

"Hey there, Evy," rumbled Trailbreaker. From the furthest corner, Sunstreaker eyed her with an expression than managed to be blank and menacing all at the same time.

"Hi, Trailbreaker. Hello, Brawn."

"Hey."

Evelyn tried to estimate the depth. Trailbreaker and Sunstreaker were both very large mechs, and the water covered them to the top of their chests. She could see their lower bodies as vague, colored blobs beneath the rippling surface, and it seemed that there was a series of large steps leading down. Brawn was seated upon one of the steps, his head on the same level as the other two mechs.

Minibots need a place to sit, too.

"... is there soap or anything in there?" she asked, a vague notion beginning to take shape in her mind. "Or just water?"

"In here?" Trailbreaker sounded mildly surprised. "Just water. This basically rinses off dust. The washracks are for scrubbing." He nodded toward the shower stalls.

"Is that so," she murmured.

Why, why didn't I pack a swimsuit?

Although...Her cheeks burned fiercely with a new blush. My bra and underwear are dark colors...

Abruptly, an inner battle broke out.

Superego put in its two cents, shrilling about things like dignity and shame and don't you even dare! in a voice that sounded frighteningly like her Gram Meredith.

Oh, like they'd care, sniped her Id. They wouldn't care if you went nude.

Ego huddled in a ball of indecisive misery, mewling the word bath over and over and over again.

Lowering herself to sit on the edge ("Careful, there," cautioned Trailbreaker.), she trailed her toes through the water. She was vaguely aware of three mechs watching her with disconcerting intensity, but the water was even warmer than she had hoped, stinging lightly at first before dying down to a pleasant burn. Tingles of pleasure ran up and down her calf.

Sideswipe chose that moment to speak up, and he sounded disturbed as he said,'You aren't really thinking about...'

I wouldn't be naked-naked.There are swimsuits that cover less.

Ratchet and Wheeljack had certainly walked in on her often enough. They had never cared except for those few times there had been something handy for her to chuck at their heads.

A glance at her fingernails, dark with filth, decided her.

Before she could possibly have second thoughts, she heaved herself to her feet, nodded briefly to the three mechs, muttering a quick 'excuse me,' and yanked her blouse off over her head. The button of her jeans popped open with ease born of extreme wear-and-tear, the zipper whining in protest, and she shucked her slacks off, kicking them over on top of her shirt.

Sideswipe was jabbering something at her, but she ignored him, focused on her goal.

Two quick steps back gave her room for a bit of a running start, and she launched herself toward the water in a sort of half-cannonball, hand coming up to pinch her nose just moments before the world disappeared in a roar of bubbles and delicious, fiery heat.

Of course, that was when Sideswipe panicked.

Instead of the strong, sure strokes she had used since long before she could remember, since she had first learned to swim in her parents' pond, her limbs flailed without order or direction, bubbles gushing past her lips, water flooding eyes wide with terror and open mouth and unguarded nose.

You—!

Sideswipe, you moron! Let go!

The voice had no reply, thoughts echoing as disjointed, indecipherable gibbering in her mind, perfect counterpoint to the panicked thrashing of her body, and Evelyn had a moment for one clear thought beneath her own growing terror: If we survive this, I am going to kill him.

The world twisted and writhed, up becoming down, and everything hazed by shimmering masses of bubbles, and a huge something swept through the simmering veil of disturbed water, slamming into her side and dragging her over and up and out, sound returning so abruptly that it was almost as though someone had flipped a switch: water splashing, engines revving, droplets pattering upon metal, and her own coughs and gags and gasps as her body did all in its power to expel the liquid from her throat and lungs.

She lay sprawled across slick, yellow metal, and when she raised her head, peering through the sopping wet tendrils of her hair, it was to come face-to-face with the snarling visage of an infuriated Sunstreaker.

"Has your CPU crashed?" roared the mech, eyes glowing white. "You could have deactivated yourself! Do you want to die?"

Brawn's and Trailbreaker's voices came as background static to her ears as she spit out the last of the water and wiped at her eyes.

"Oh, please!" she snapped, shivering in the open air. "You were the one moaning about how filthy I am!"

"Since when does stating the fact that you stink translate into 'drown yourself'?! You could have killed Sideswipe!"

"Sideswipe could have killed me! If your moron of a brother could stop bodysnatching for five minutes, I would have been perfectly fine! You've been to Earth, haven't you? Don't either of you know that humans can swim?"

The abrupt, blank look upon the mech's face informed her that this particular fact had managed to escape him. The sudden silence at the back of her mind revealed that Sideswipe was likewise unaware. Evelyn snorted.

"Jesus. All this because you sink like a rock," she muttered. "Now if you'll excuse me, Sunshine..."

Do try and control yourself, she growled at the voice. I'm taking a bath, and God help you if you say I'm not!

The water was only a couple meters below her, and she pushed herself over the edge of the yellow mech's hand, plunging back into the pool. This time, the pleasant rush of hot water was met with a faint trembling in her limbs before Sideswipe retreated.

'How can you enjoy this?' he demanded. 'You can't ventilate under water. You can't even seal your systems like mechs can!'

She oriented herself with several instinctive strokes of her arms, shaking her head and luxuriating at the delicious sensation as every section of her hair was caressed by the water. Well, I don't know how mechs do it. There's really nothing to holding your breath, though.

She kicked upward, sputtering slightly as her head broke the surface. Kicking her legs steadily to keep herself afloat, she wiped water out of her eyes, turning to say something to Sunstreaker, but the intense, fixed gazes of all three mechs derailed her train of thought.

And that right there, she told the voice, is what we on Earth call the Mother Hen Look.

"I'm fine!" she insisted, breathing a little heavier than normal from exertion, treading water. "Look, most humans can swim. If not very well, then at least enough to keep their heads above water. We can hold our breath for a couple minutes, too, so it's fine."

"Ratchet's gonna' blow a gasket when he hears about this," muttered Brawn.

"Probably," she replied, laughing, and dove back under the water.

Maybe spending time with Sunstreaker won't be so bad after all.

EndHygiene