Chapter 5. Prayer
Death is all encompassing. It surrounds us and lingers. When it happens, we don't know what to do with it. We surrender to our primal selves and let the tears flow. We let our body go limp and be held by someone else. Comfort comes from death in a way because death is a wake-up call. It's brutal and horrible, but it wakes you from whatever routine you've grown accustomed too. I'm awake. I'm awake and it frickin' sucks.
I was never meant to have this life. It wasn't mine to take but I still tried. I don't belong here…with them…with him. Right from the get-go I knew that it was going to be all too complicated. I wanted to make some sort of connection though. I wanted it so much that I let it cloud my judgment of who I am and what I need from life.
"Mer? Someone's here to see you," Izzie called from downstairs.
"Don't wanna see anyone," Meredith mumbled into her pillow.
"Meredith, someone's here!" Izzie called again, not sure if she was heard the first time.
Meredith pushed her face further into the pillow. I'm not here, I don't exist… She heard footsteps on the stairs. She pushed her body deeper into the bed trying to escape her life.
"Mer? It's me," Derek cooed in her ear, gentry brushing a few strokes of hair out of her face.
"Go away," Meredith muttered softly into her pillow.
"Meredith, I'm not leaving you. I am never going to leave you."
"I'm not giving you the choice," Meredith sat up so that she was facing Derek. "I can't handle this…you…not right now. I need to get ready."
"Meredith, let me help you. Stop pushing me away."
"No I need to push you away. I need space and, and, I just need space. We, you and me are just too complicated." Derek stood up to leave.
"Don't keep me at a distance Meredith. I'm here for you and I'm going to be here for you for a very long time," Derek said walking out of the room.
"Wait, I'm…too late," she whispered as she noticed that he had disappeared.
-Flashback-
"She's dead. She's gone, and I never…oh God." Meredith looked as if she was going to vomit all over again. "I can't, I can't…" she started rocking back and forth covering her head with her hands. A stifled sob was released. Derek wrapped his arms around her, holding her as close as possible. "Oh God, what do I do? What, how, how am I supposed…I never…but…" she never finished her sentence. Instead she just wept into Derek's chest, not know what her future held. He held her for what seemed like hours.
-End Flashback-
Meredith rummaged through her closet wishing she had done this earlier. How was she supposed to pick out a black dress to wear in her state?
"Izzie?" Meredith called out softly. Like magic, Izzie appeared.
"Yeah Mer?"
"Can you…"
"Yeah of course. No problem." Izzie didn't need Meredith to finish her sentence. In under a minute she has compiled a fitting ensemble. "Mer do you want to take a shower?" Meredith shook her head. Izzie nodded and left the room. Tracing her finger over the dress, she wondered what would happen next. What horrible event would happen that would shake her to her very core? Was another bomb going to explode in another man? Was Addison going to fake another pregnancy? Was George going to realize that in fact he truly hates Meredith and move out again? Was Derek going to admit that he made a mistake and leave her for Addison again? Collapsing on the floor, she couldn't handle the possibility of what might come next. She leaned into the bed crying. She sat there for five minutes before regaining her composure. Carefully standing, she decided to get dressed.
-After the funeral-
"Mer? Do you want to get going?" Derek walked over to where Meredith was sitting on the ground leaning against a tree, looking at her mother's grave. Meredith shook her head, unable to speak. Derek sat down, taking her hand in his. They sat like this for a few minutes before Meredith finally spoke up.
"He didn't come."
"Who didn't come?" Derek asked looking at Meredith questioningly.
"My dad."
"Oh." They resumed their silence and sat in peace for a while longer. "Meredith, I," But he faltered unable to speak himself.
"It's alright. You don't need to say anything." She leaned on his shoulder, letting him wrap his arm tightly around her. She let herself believe that it was okay, just for a moment.