Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

"Son of a bitch!" Sirius yelled after stubbing his toe. He looked down and saw an empty dirty cauldron had been set down in front of his bedroom door. "Harry? Did you put this here?"

Kreacher's not so quiet cackling was heard coming from the down the hall.

"You wretched little hatemonger," Sirius swore shaking his leg, trying to ignore the pain in his toe. "Get back here."

"Stupid bad Master wasn't looking where he was going," Kreacher mumbled to himself ignoring the fact that he was walking towards Sirius. "Stupid stupid Master."

"Listen up, you little ingrate," Sirius ordered. "We were protecting a pureblood, Bellatrix, from a mudblood, Tom Riddle. That's right! The Dark Lord's pappy was a muggle."

"Kreacher knows about the Dark Lord," Kreacher mumbled in irritation. "Everyone knows about the Dark Lord. But not everyone knows about Kreacher's stupid Masters. Oh no. Stupid masters have lots of secrets to keep."

"Sirius," Harry yawned as he walked out of his bedroom. "Do you have to pick a fight with a house elf every morning?"

"He tried to break my foot," Sirius defended, pointing down at Kreacher.

"Kreacher forgot where Kreacher put one of the cauldrons to clean. Accidents happen. Even to stupid Masters the Dark Lord is going to eviscerate. Accidents happen." Kreacher muttered, not looking up at either of them.

"Are you sure we can't kill him?" Sirius questioned. "Are you really, really sure?"

"You're not that guy," Harry chided.

"I don't know," Sirius argued, shaking off the pain in his big toe. "I think I can change. I hear good things about evil."

"Stupid Masters getting stupider," Kreacher muttered and lazily stomping away disrespectfully. "Bringing muggle filth into the noble and most ancient House of Black."

Harry narrowed his eyes as Kreacher began to walk away. He turned to Sirius, "But I think it might be time we started punishing the racist little wanker."

"Kreacher, come here!" Sirius happily called out. He asked Harry, "Want see who kick him further? We can start from the top of the stairs. You get a bonus kick if he hits the umbrella stand."

"No, no," Harry said motioning with his hand. "That's not the sort of punishment I had in mind."

Kreacher had reluctantly walked back up to Harry and Sirius, mumbling, "Blood traitors don't even know how to punish right."

"Kreacher," Harry ordered. "That sort of language will no longer be tolerated."

Kreacher gnashed his teeth before smirking cheekily and explaining, "Sorry Master. Kreacher only speaks English."

Sirius looked at Harry and offered, "I'll let you kick first."

Harry shook his head. "That's the kind of negative treatment he expects. No, Kreacher, you are going to gently massage my feet while I read to you notable facts about muggle history."

"What?" Kreacher said looking at Harry in confusion.

"Oh," Sirius said thinking deviously. "You know, I've got some underwear that needs to be cleaned…"

"Perhaps by hand?" Harry suggested. "Of course no magic should be used at all with delicates."

Sirius rubbed his chin in thought. "I was thinking tongue-washing actually."

Kreacher was looking at them fearfully. "But… but… not even mudbloods-"

"That's another thing," Harry interjected. "We're not going stand for those slurs anymore. Every time you use words like mudblood, muggle filth, blood traitor, anything like that…" Harry paused, thinking up something appropriate. "For every derogatory implication, you have to make a child smile."

Kreacher paled while Sirius was clearly impressed.

Harry continued. "We'll transfigure you into a midget and take you to a muggle park. If we hear you say mudblood three times, that's three kids you're going to make smile and laugh."

Kreacher whispered in horror. "You wouldn't…"

"You think I'm bluffing?" Harry said staring the elf down.

"But…" Kreacher argued. "The young ones… they have all the diseases."

"That's one," Harry said raising a finger. "Looks like we're going to the park tomorrow. You want to go for two?"

"No!" Kreacher shrieked. "Kreacher will be good."

Sirius smiled at Harry. "Well that was a quick improvement in attitude. I figured you'd have to obliviate him."

Kreacher turned to Harry in surprise. "You know how to memory charm house elves?"

"Obliviate," Harry quickly cast on the elf. "Sirius, don't even mention that around him."

Kreacher was just standing there with a glassy eyed stare.

Sirius gently nudged the elf to make sure he was okay.

Kreacher jerked into awareness and said, "Please don't make Kreacher be nice to mud-…ggles."

Sirius shrugged happily. "I guess the memory charm works."

"Obliviate," Harry immediate recast on Kreacher. He pointed his finger at Sirius, "That's one for you, buddy!"

"Me?" Sirius argued. "Why do I… Actually, I don't mind making a kid or two smile."

"Good," Harry said. "Because you're still going to be transfigured into a midget. And Remus and Tonks are invited and encouraged to bring cameras."

Sirius paled and insisted. "Hey now, that's not fair."

"Hello?" A loud call came from down the hall. "Anyone there?"

"Mistress," Kreacher said just as he popped away.

Harry and Sirius had both turned in the direction of the call, having recognized Bellatrix's voice. Harry looked at his godfather, "You ready to get her story?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. I'm sick of worrying about whose on bitch-sitting duty."

"It feels wrong keeping her locked in a room," Harry agreed.

"I know what you mean," Sirius said with a nod. "It's just not right to keep a grown woman locked in a room, unless you're using her for sex."

"No Sirius," Harry said with a roll of his eyes. "That would feel wrong too."

The two of them went to Bellatrix's door and knocked.

"Come in," she replied as the two Lord Blacks walked into her room. "Am I going to be a prisoner here forever?"

Sirius grabbed the chair by her desk while Harry pulled out the recliner he kept in his shrunken trunk. "Nope," Harry answered plopping down, ignoring the strange look from Bellatrix. "It's time we figured out what to do with you."

Bellatrix sat on the edge of her bed. "I know you both don't like me, and I can never repay what you've done for me-"

"You don't owe us anything other than loyalty to the family," Sirius interjected.

"And before we decide anything," Harry said. "You need to give us some answers."

Bellatrix swallowed but earnestly offered, "What do you want to know?"

Sirius looked at Harry, allowing him to take the lead.

"Well," Harry said. "You could start with why you joined the Death Eaters and why you wanted out."

Bellatrix looked at Harry in confusion. "Why I joined? I don't know where you two fit into the Black family considering you certainly weren't on any family tapestry I've ever seen, but we were all raised to be servants of the Dark Lord. Asking why I joined is like asking why I'm a witch."

"Does that mean you toe the party line on blood status?" Harry inquired. "Kill the unworthy, enslave the unpure, yada, yada, yada."

"I honestly don't care," Bellatrix shrugged indifferently. "If you want me to start wearing muggle clothes that say 'Hug a Muggle,' I will. If you want me to start hunting down the half-bloods dirtying proper wizarding society, I know some pretty good curses. But I've never been a dedicated true believer like my brother-in-law."

"Malfoy will believe anything that says he's better than everyone else," Sirius retorted. "It's probably why he'll be wrong his entire life."

Bellatrix smiled lightly. "You won't be hearing me defend Lucius anytime soon."

"Yes well," Harry chided. "As useless tools go, Lucius Malfoy is a half-inch strap-on."

Sirius shook his head. "You're probably giving him a quarter-inch too much credit."

"Alright then," Harry said attempting to get back on topic. "So your heart wasn't really in the Death Eating business. That's not exactly enough reason to openly and actively defy them. You know they're going to want you dead. So why'd you want out?"

Bellatrix took a moment to look at her Lords before uncertainly replying, "I don't know what you want me to say."

"Did something happen?" Harry asked. "Was there some life-changing event that opened your eyes to the atrocities of the world and jaded you on everything you previously held up as unwavering truth?"

"Did they rape you, beat you, kill your favorite pet muggle?" Sirius asked. "Anything?"

"Nah," Bellatrix shook her head. "Sorry. Nothing like that. I wasn't punished anymore than any other Death Eater. I never tried to draw attention to myself or work my way up the chain of command. I killed when I supposed to kill, I tortured when I was supposed to torture. Though I suppose I did try to hide how much fun those parts can be."

Harry wasn't sure but he thought he saw her eyes twinkling.

"No one tried to force you into marriage?" Sirius asked curiously.

Bellatrix smirked. "There aren't many witches of my pedigree still single at my age, but I never let anyone touch me that I didn't want to."

"And if you did want them to touch you?" Sirius flirtatiously retorted.

Bellatrix sat up prouder, straightening her shoulders and thrusting her chest out. "I am a Black and can be very alluring when I want to be."

Harry glanced over at Sirius and sighed.

"Oww!" Sirius shrieked slapping a hand over each eye. "Both eyes, Harry! Really? Was that necessary?"

Harry ignored his godfather and turned back to Bellatrix. "I still don't get why you'd want to go from laying low avoiding attention to Dark Lord enemy number… four or five maybe."

Bellatrix took a deep breath and shyly admitted, "I guess it was seeing my nephew, Draco."

"Ahh," Harry nodded. "I'd want to get the hell away too."

Sirius snickered in approval.

"Umm, actually," Bellatrix corrected, "he was more a reminder that I can't put off having a child forever."

"See? Nothing wrong with family," Sirius jumped in before thinking of Draco. "Well, usually."

Harry ignored Sirius while looking at Bellatrix as if she were crazy, which was entirely possible. "Seeing Draco made you want kids?"

Bellatrix nodded.

"What the hell kind of kid do you want? A transsexual quintaped?"

"No!" Bellatrix quickly corrected. "I don't want a kid like Draco. Good god, no. Draco's wife Pansy is expecting, which means my sister is about to be a grandmother."

Harry whistled in relief. "Okay, that makes a lot more sense."

"But I don't want my kid to grow up a Death Eater the way I did," Bellatrix explained. "I've been waiting for the Dark Lord to conquer Britain or be destroyed. Two things I'm not so sure will ever happen. And then you guys came along…"

Harry nodded and finished for her, "offering you a way out from the Death Eaters."

"Well, yeah, that too," Bellatrix said looking up in surprise. "But I was also hoping one of you would let me carry and raise your heir."

Harry froze in place and now knew for sure she was completely insane in this world too.

Sirius who had been in the process of checking her out once again, stopped suddenly. He got to his feet saying, "I'm out of here," and calmly left the room.

"You could be as active or absent in our child's life as you like," Bellatrix pleaded as Sirius walked away. "I just want to be a mother. I don't even care if it's a squib!"

"You," Harry began but couldn't say anything further. "You…" he tried and failed again.

"I can be your consort, your mistress, or just the mother to your child," Bellatrix begged. "I'm not picky."

"Stop," Harry said unable to look up. "Just… stop."

"I realize you both hate me for some reason," Bellatrix tried. "So I don't mind if you want to get rough with me. Just don't hurt the womb."

Harry got up and left the room sighing. "Fucking nutty purebloods."

Bellatrix was again alone, still locked in her room. "That could have gone better," she said to no one in particular.

She fell backwards onto her bed and stared up at the ceiling. After about five minutes of quiet contemplation, she called out, "Hey guys?"

When there was no response, she tried again, "My Lords?"

"Harry?" She yelled. "Sirius?" She forlornly continued, "Anyone?"

Harry opened her door and asked, "What?"

"I won't bring up the subject you obviously don't want to talk about," Bellatrix assured him. "But can I at least leave this room? I promise not to go anywhere without permission or an escort, I'm just sick of-"

"Yeah," Harry interrupted her. He grabbed a hold of the anchor stones on her doorway and brought the warding magic crashing down. "Come on. We still need to talk and we can do that in the kitchen."

Bellatrix followed Harry out of her room. They walked past the muggle room, where Sirius was focused intently on the large television screen in front of him.

"You take your reproductive organs and just keep moving," Sirius harshly ordered while hitting buttons on the remote, not even glancing towards her.

Bellatrix hurried after Harry down the stairs, quietly commenting, "I can't do anything right by you guys, can I?"

Harry briefly looked back at her before continuing to the kitchen. "You want something to drink?"

"Whatever you're drinking is fine," Bellatrix replied. She walked over towards the window and saw it was a sunny day. "You mind talking outside?"

Harry only then realized she'd gone from cursed, to the hospital, to tortured, to locked in a room, to the courtroom, and back to locked in her room. "Yeah," Harry said pouring her a large glass of firewhiskey and one for himself. "Outside works for me."

Harry scourgified a bench in the enclosed back yard and sat down while Bellatrix just meandered through the dried leaves and tall grass. Harry began, "Let me just make this part clear first. Neither I nor Sirius will be providing you an heir so don't ask. But as you said, you are a Black and I suspect there will be no shortage of volunteers to helping you out with that."

"I'd like it to be someone you approve of," Bellatrix responded while staring up into the sky. She turned to look at Harry. "Because my child will be a Black and it'd be nice if you liked him or her."

"Nothing like a clinical screening process of potential sperm donors to start the day," Harry said sipping his firewhiskey. "Okay. We can talk about baby batter later. But I need some background information from you."

Bellatrix sighed. "You want to know all the people I've killed?"

Harry winced. "No. Well, maybe I'm a little curious but… no. Yeah… no. No. I don't want to know."

"What then?"

"In case you've not caught on," Harry explained. "Sirius and I aren't originally from around here. And I need to know what sort of Death Eaters are going to be out for your blood, what resources your former Master has at his command, pretty much everything the Wizengamot and DMLE wanted to know."

Bellatrix nodded, expecting as much. "Should I start anywhere in particular?"

Harry sat his glass of firewhiskey down. "Why hasn't Voldemort been more successful? Is the Ministry that on top of things? Or the Order of the Phoenix?"

"The Ministry's clueless," Bellatrix explained. "And Dumbledore's group gets more credit than they deserve. No, the Dark Lord's nemesis is a wizard working from the shadows."

"Neville Longbottom?" Harry suggested.

Bellatrix shrugged. "No one knows. We always referred to him as that fucker."

"That fucker?" Harry repeated with a chuckle. "I suppose that's catchier than You-Know-Who."

"Who?"

"Never mind," Harry said. "So who is that fucker? Or what do you know about him?"

"That's just it," Bellatrix said. "Hardly anything is known about that fucker. He just appears when he wants to and then takes down just about everyone."

"Everyone?"

"Not all at once or anything. He doesn't take on twenty wizards but when he shows up, he usually quickly asserts control of the situation. Stunning, disabling, and sometimes crippling some very good duelers."

"He doesn't kill?"

"Not often," Bellatrix replied. "Everyone knows he could, and he has killed a few that have irked him, but I'd guess most of the time it's just not worth killing to him."

"Do the Death Eaters fear him?"

Bellatrix nodded seriously. "The Dark Lord fears him, though he'd never admit it. I only saw him really go all out once. The Dark Lord, along Sidney Nott, Andreas Rollins, and the Gibson twins, summoned a demon. The summoning circle drained them all, and there were several of us on hand to protect them after the calling ritual.

"The demon split both Gibsons in two before anyone realized what was happening. Then that fucker appeared and just happened to have a lasso capable of holding a demon long enough for him to behead it."

Harry whistled, thankful he never had to do that. "And that required him going all out?"

"Beheading a demon will kill it," Bellatrix said, "but not right away. And they never go quietly. The Dark Lord was injured. Nott and Rollins were killed, but that fucker was the only one keeping up with the headless demon."

"So he was helping out?" Harry asked curiously.

Bellatrix shook her head. "The Dark Lord knew what he was doing when he summoned that thing. But see that's just it. That fucker seems better informed than any Death Eater of what the Dark Lord's plans are."

Harry resisted the urge to rub his curse scar thinking about how he had picked up on some of his Voldemort's plans. "And Voldemort doesn't know why or how?"

Bellatrix shrugged. "The first few years after that fucker started appearing, the Dark Lord was furious. Then he started acting more carefully and obsessed over figuring out the unknown wizard. He tried to contact him, even put some hidden messages into the Daily Prophet. Now that fucker is just the albatross he can't shake."

"Twenty years and he knows nothing about this guy?"

"It hasn't been quite that long," Bellatrix corrected. "And it's not like the Dark Lord would tell me what he knows about that fucker."

Harry was sitting there wondering if the mystery wizard could have been hit by a Killing Curse and gained a link to the Dark Lord. "Is there anything you can tell me about him?"

"Well, I don't know if he still suspects this, but for a while the Dark Lord was convinced that fucker was hoping to take his place and become a new Dark Lord."

Harry didn't even try to hide his sigh. "You think that fucker will care about your shift in loyalties?"

Bellatrix shook her head. "I doubt it. He's only ever seemed to care about the Dark Lord, but as far as I know they've never really gotten into a serious duel. Not like you two did with him."

Harry started nursing his firewhiskey again in an effort to hide the smile on his face. Harry gave up trying to devise a clever way to inquire and just outright asked, "Do you know if the Dark Lord has ever hit that fucker with a Killing Curse?"

Bellatrix looked at Harry oddly. "I hardly think that's something he'd keep to himself. Why? Do you have reason to believe he's dead?"

"Forget it," Harry said quickly changing the subject. "Is the Dark Lord based out of Little Hangleton?"

Bellatrix jerked her head up and nodded. "That's where one of the most heavily warded safe houses is. How did you know that?"

"Lucky guess," Harry retorted. "And he probably keeps Nagini close by when he's there?"

Bellatrix furrowed her brow. "Who's Nagini?"

"The Dark Lord's familiar?" Harry offered. "Large venomous snake?"

She slowly shook her head. "As far as I know, he doesn't have a familiar. I've seen him talk to snakes, but not kept as pets."

"Huh," Harry said, having not expected that.

"Although," Bellatrix said. "There are rumors that he's got a monster at his command in the forest behind the Riddle house."

"A monster?"

Bellatrix shrugged. "He expressly forbade everyone from going into that forest. A couple Death Eaters supposedly have, but they might have just disappeared or been quietly killed. I've heard sounds in there, sounds of something big, but it is a forest so…"

"You don't think," Harry was musing out loud and stopped himself from saying too much.

"I don't think what?" Bellatrix asked.

Harry was saved from answering as a crack announced the arrival of Remus Lupin.

"Harry!" Remus greeted. "You're okay." He turned and saw the woman standing near the large gnarled tree. "And you're not alone."

"It hasn't been that long since I last saw you, Moony," Harry greeted.

"Yes, well," Remus held his tongue in front of the former Death Eater. "You've caused quite a stir since then."

"Remus," Harry stood up to give a proper introduction. "This is Bellatrix Black. Bellatrix, this is Remus Lupin."

"We've met," Remus guardedly stated. "Though last time I saw you, I believe you were wearing a mask."

Bellatrix resisted the urge to snap back. She snootily retorted, "Do not presume that every Death Eater you've crossed has been me, werewolf."

"Bellatrix," Harry said softly as one of his magical arms reached out and grabbed her chin, turning her head to look straight at him. "You should know I grew up with a pretty crappy excuse for a family. So just be aware, that the lengths I'll go to, to protect family, are nothing compared to what I'll do to defend my friends. Are we clear?"

Bellatrix swallowed the lump her in throat as the photo of the broken Dark Lord flashed in her head. "Yes, my Lord. Forgive me. I'm still… relearning my place in the family."

She felt Harry's hand release her and she turned towards Remus. "I don't think an apology for my past will mean anything to you, Remus. But my loyalty is to the family now. And you raised a Black, so you have my respect."

"Hmm," Remus murmured while glancing at Harry. "There may be hope for you yet, Bellatrix. I still remember a witch at Hogwarts who was one of the few Slytherins who could take a joke."

"That's right," Harry realized. "You two went to school together."

Remus nodded and asked, "Is Sirius around?"

"He was pouting in the muggle room last I saw," Harry waved towards the back door. "The wards are back to normal, so you can go on in."

Remus nodded curtly towards Bellatrix and walked into the back entrance.

"The half-breed!" Kreacher shouted as Remus walked in.

"That's two!" Harry yelled loudly, staring at the elf.

Kreacher let out a frightened 'eep' and popped away.

Harry turned back and saw Bellatrix looked meek and subservient again.

"It's weird to hear him ask about Sirius," Bellatrix quietly explained, "when it's a different Sirius entirely."

Harry was again able to avoid a risky topic of conversation, this time by the arrival of an owl. It flew down and perched on the edge of the bench, sticking out its leg towards Harry.

He cast the usual oculamagi spell over his eyes and saw there was nothing magical about the letter at all. He untied it from the owl, who settled in to wait patiently for a reply. He saw the letter was addressed to Lord Harry Black and Lord Sirius Black. When he opened it, he didn't recognize the feminine hand-writing and skipped down to the bottom to see who it was from.

Harry's eyes widened and he couldn't avoid the emotional response at seeing so casual a signature of Lily Potter. "Fuck."

"Who's it from?" Bellatrix asked curiously, keeping her distance so as not to intrude.

Harry looked up at Bellatrix and back down at the letter, feeling as though his life was a surreal experiment. He quickly read through the missive and answered, "It's an invitation to dinner from the Potters."

Bellatrix weakly laughed. "Speak of the devil."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Harry said looking at Bellatrix accusingly.

Bellatrix held up her hands indicating she was implying nothing derogatory. "First Lupin, then I was thinking about Sirius Black, and now Potter too?" she explained. She looked off into space as old memories surfaced. "You know I was there that night."

Harry looked up curiously. "What?"

"The Potter house on Halloween, '81," Bellatrix explained. She saw Harry's look and quickly added, "I didn't attack my cousin or anything. There were a couple dozen of us waiting in the wings, but the Dark Lord wanted to do the job personally. I saw him kill Sirius and retrieve the baby Potter. He severed Sirius' skull from his spine and cleaned it off while the baby just kept crying."

Harry was just gaped at her, unable to believe what he was hearing.

"I'm sorry," Bellatrix said noticing Harry's expression. "You don't want to hear this."

"No," Harry immediately answered. "I do. I just… so what did he do with… the baby? He's not still alive, is he?" Harry was momentarily wondering about that fucker.

"No," Bellatrix blurted out before hesitating. She sighed and continued. "I left before it was done, but he held Sirius' skull in one hand, while he cradled the baby in his arm. He used his free hand then to… well, it was some sort of ritual. Whatever it was, it was ancient dark magic. Nothing I recognized. Just before I left the Potter kid finally stopped screaming."

"I later heard that he'd drained the life from the area, turning the nearest tree into a skeleton and staining the ground permanently," Bellatrix admitted with an unconcerned shrug. "I reckon he wanted to make an example of a potential subject of his prophecy. Of course, I didn't know about the prophecy then. Hmm," Bellatrix mused. "You know, that might have been when my disinterest in the lifestyle really started."

Harry was sitting there clenching the letter in one hand and listening to her in horror. He didn't need to know this. He really didn't need to know that Sirius' skull was a Horcrux. And he really didn't need to know it was made from the cold-blooded murder of his infant alter ego.

Bellatrix saw Harry looked a bit rattled by her tale and added, "Yeah, you may just want to take a pass on that dinner. The Dark Lord's ritual effects are probably still there, whatever it was he did."

Harry just listened to her calm tone and was clueless how to respond to this. He stared at her without blinking for the better part of a minute before agreeing, "Yeah. No dinner." He knocked back the rest of his firewhiskey and stood up banishing all the negative thoughts from his mind. He looked at his watch and saw it was still well before midday. "I'm going to go get drunk." He stopped and turned back, "Do me a favor, and never mention this to Sirius."

Bellatrix nodded in acceptance and watched the typically more composed of her two Lords walk away. She looked over at the owl still perched on the bench. "It may take him a little while to reply to that letter."

The owl turned to look at her and hooted softly having figured that out on its own.

"Know any good jokes?"

The owl tilted its head, wondering if it was safe around the strange woman.

"Or perhaps a powerful wizard willing to impregnate me?"

The owl had made its decision and flew off to wait in the tree where it would be safer.

Bellatrix sighed. "Yeah, I get that a lot."

Remus sat his beer down, looking at Harry incredulously. "How could you not have known? You saw Sirius leave with her identical twin sister just ten minutes earlier."

Sirius was laughing heartily while his godson embarrassingly picked at the label on his beer bottle.

"It's not like I hadn't been drinking or anything," Harry explained. "And in my defense, Sirius' girl was wearing a lot of whorish makeup."

"Hey," Sirius snapped. He paused and scratched his chin in thought. "I do like the whorish makeup, don't I?"

"Padfoot," Remus reminded. "You've always had a clown fetish."

Sirius choked on his beer. "You swore to never tell!"

"Different Remus, different Sirius," Remus said with a smirk, finishing off his beer. He stood up and announced, "This time it is my turn."

"No, last round was your turn," Sirius grumbled.

Remus ignored him, asking, "You guys want the same?"

Harry and Sirius both nodded and took a look around the muggle bar, taking notice of the single women.

"You're not worried about leaving her alone?" Sirius asked, knowing Harry knew exactly who he was talking about.

Harry shook his head. "She was going in disguise to her storage space. She packed up and stashed everything important before she showed up at Grimmauld Place. And besides, I gave her some homework to do."

Sirius finished off the last of his beer and set the empty bottle down. "Homework?"

Harry smiled. "She's making a list of every Death Eater, including all known homes, maps, protections, wards, house elves, the works."

Sirius scoffed. "Won't she find that a bit suspicious?"

"Maybe," Harry admitted. "But I was very insistent that if she gets captured and kidnapped, we're going to need to know the layouts of Death Eaters' homes. Keeping that information to herself is just an unnecessary risk."

"Right," Sirius chuckled.

"And of course we also need to know the locations of valuables for leverage or ransom," Harry added. He thought it over in his head and realized that even Goyle would have been suspicious. "Besides it saves us a lot of ground work and she's sworn loyalty."

"Malfoy?"

Harry shook his head. "She's not keyed in."

"Damn," Sirius swore as Remus returned with three more beers.

"Are we discussing your new houseguest?" Remus asked.

"We were," Harry said accepting the beer from Remus. "But let's not anymore. How's work going, Moony?"

"Same old, same old," Remus said. "Another upgrade was forced on our customers so we've been swamped with calls. I guess the head office was worried that some people were beginning to like our products."

"Tsk, tsk," Sirius chided. "Your talents are wasted at that place. Don't you think it's time you looked into getting a more productive job?"

"Sirius?" Remus said in between sips of his beer. "You're going to lecture me on my vocation? You?"

"Someone has to," Sirius retorted.

"My job doesn't come with a significant risk of a prison sentence," Remus argued. "I think career-wise I'm in a little better place than you right now."

Harry jumped in. "I hate to say it, but I agree with Padfoot."

"Thank you," Sirius cheered. "Face it, Moony. You don't have to financially support Tonks, your home is paid for, any emergencies come up and we've got your back. And you tell me, which does more good for the world: annoying muggles on the phone or re-appropriating a certain group's resources?"

Remus raised a curious eyebrow. "You want me to join you two in your illicit affairs?"

Sirius' eyes widened and Harry snapped, "He didn't mean it like that, Sirius. I know, the moustache confuses me too sometimes."

"Hey," Remus frowned. "Cheap shot."

"And no," Harry continued. "That's not what we're saying."

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "We thought of it first. We got dibs."

"Actually," Harry corrected. "I was more thinking that we're nobility and can weasel our way out of most things, but with your affliction you'd get raked across the coals if we were ever caught in any sort of compromising situation."

"Not to mention it's fundamentally immoral and wrong," Remus added.

"Details," Harry said waving off Remus' argument. "What Sirius and I are saying though is that you have more options and freedom now to find something a bit more fulfilling."

Remus tipped back his beer, mulling their words over. He admitted, "Tonks has been getting on my case about this too."

"Smart girl, that one," Harry agreed.

"And a wildcat in the," Sirius paused at Remus' warning growl, "…battlefield."

"Don't even go there," Remus said staring at Sirius. "Pack instincts got nothing on parental ones."

"Ugh," Harry said slouching in his seat. "That reminds me."

Sirius quickly asked, "Of the time you and Tonks-OWW!" Sirius grabbed his eye.

"Don't go there, Sirius," Harry said earning an approving nod from Remus. "You know the rules. If Tonks is around then you can joke about the number of times my dipstick has checked her oil, but not with only Daddy here."

"I don't even get that muggle reference and I'm disgusted," Remus said rubbing his temples.

"Well on my motorcycle," Sirius began to explain using his hands to demonstrate. "The dipstick goes in the-"

"Stop," Remus said and pleading with Harry. "What were you reminded of?"

Harry frowned. "Your mention of parental instincts reminded me that we received a letter."

"Oh you got that?" Remus said happily.

"What letter?" Sirius asked.

"It was from… Lily Potter," Harry said. "Inviting us to dinner at Godric's Hollow."

"School's in session so it'll have to be a weekend," Remus explained. "And as long as it's not a full moon I'll be there, and of course, Tonks, and Lord Potter."

"We're not going," Harry firmly said.

"Oh thank Merlin," Sirius exclaimed in relief.

"What? No," Remus frowned. "You have to."

Harry shook his head. "I really should just keep my distance from her as much as possible."

"But it'll be so much fun," Remus pleaded. "And you know James will be uncomfortable."

"That is true," Sirius realized beginning to agree.

Harry looked at his godfather. "If you want, you can go."

"If I'm going, you're going," Sirius insisted.

"I'm not going," Harry repeated. "You saw what happened at St. Mungo's. That'd just raise way too many questions I'd rather never answer."

"Never?" Remus asked worriedly. "You're never going to tell them who you really are?"

Harry shrugged. "Maybe eventually but there are… more issues than you realize."

"There always are with you," Sirius agreed. "Wait, what issues?"

"Ones I'd prefer never to think about," Harry quietly admitted. "And are unavoidable every time I'm near her."

"You're really not going to dinner?" Remus asked.

"Really," Harry assured him, "No."

"Guess we're not going," Sirius echoed. "Now if you gentlemen will excuse me, I see a delightfully delectable derriere in dire and desperate need of deep… care and affection."

Harry followed Sirius' line of sight and saw a pair of attractive women at the bar, one of whom was caught looking right at his godfather before turning away.

Remus and Harry were left alone at the table while Sirius went and turned on the charm. Remus smiled. "Once a scamp, always a scamp, huh?"

"Yup," Harry agreed, while keeping an eye on Sirius.

"So what sort of career change would you suggest?" Remus asked.

"No idea," Harry asked. "What do you want to do?"

"My options are limited by my condition," Remus explained. "It's not the sort of thing you can hide, needing every full moon off. And not too many people would hire me for that reason."

Harry suddenly had a bright idea and wondered why he'd not considered it. "You like pranks, right?"

"Professional pranking is not a job," Remus answered. "As Sirius was heartbroken to discover in his fifth year meeting with Professor McGonagall."

"Naw," Harry said. "I meant because I have it on good authority that Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes is going to be expanding significantly. Bigger store in Diagon Alley and a second branch in Hogsmeade."

Remus perked up. "Weasleys are good people. Fred and George help out the Order. You think they'd be willing to work around full moons?"

Harry nodded. "I suspect when you tell them your nickname they'll be more than happy to."

"My nickname?"

Harry smiled. "If they grew up anything like the twins I used to know, their livelihood during school was in large part thanks to a certain map they nicked from Filch's office."

"Really?" Remus said thinking it over.

"It doesn't hurt that me and Sirius are their new financial backers," Harry added. "Tell you what, you're not working tomorrow, right?"

Remus shook his head.

"I need to go to Diagon Alley and buy an animagus potion." Harry suggested, "We'll drop by, visit the twins, see if you have any interest in working with them, or they have any positions for you and go from there. If you want, you can crash at our place and we'll go in the morning."

"Yeah," Remus agreed. "Sounds like a plan."

"Hang on," Harry said looking towards Sirius. "Come with me, Remus. Sirius needs backup."

"What?" Remus said jumping to his feet. "Is it Death Eaters?"

"Settle down!" Harry harshly whispered. "And no, it's not Death Eaters. It's a Betty with an overprotective friend."

Remus looked at Harry incredulously.

"You need to get laid, Moony," Harry said as he began to walk over towards the bar. Sirius was on a stool talking to a pretty girl on his left. To the girl's left was the overprotective friend, and to that friend's left was a guy sitting alone, seemingly there just to drink. The seat next to the man was empty, and Harry went straight for it.

Remus sighed at Harry's statement and followed after him. "Tonks has been on my case about that too."

"Like I said," Harry repeated. "Smart girl." Harry took the only empty stool while Remus was left standing awkwardly.

"Maybe I should-"

"Don't go anywhere," Harry ordered him. "This will take just a second."

"There aren't any more stools," Remus was whispering to Harry. Harry was just smirking up at Remus while sending an invisible magical arm out.

The overprotective female friend yelped and turned to the unknown man in between her and Harry. She slapped him soundly across the face. "You keep your hands off me, you bastard!"

The confused man was rubbing his rapidly reddening cheek. "But… I didn't-"

Harry had stood up and placed a warning hand on the man's shoulder. "I think you've had enough."

"Seriously," the man pleaded. "I didn't do-"

"If you want," Harry said while keeping a tight grip on the man. "There's an empty table right over there where you won't bother this young lady."

The man knocked back the rest of his drink and got up. "Forget it. I'm out of here." He stumbled his way out the door.

Harry sat back on his own stool and waved towards the empty spot. "Take a seat, Remus, before another drunken lout starts groping this fine damsel."

Remus was biting his tongue, knowing full well what had happened and sat down. He saw the other girl by Sirius was looking their way and Sirius was behind her flashing a bright grin and a thumbs up. Remus felt Harry poking him repeatedly in the side and finally turned to the woman next to him, asking, "Can I buy you a drink?"

"Sure," she agreed, leaving her friend alone to deal with Sirius' undoubtedly classless advances.

Harry kept one eye on Sirius and Remus, while looking around the bar. He heard the two older Marauders and the two women getting on splendidly when he spotted an attractive brunette standing near the door. "If you'll excuse me a moment," Harry said getting up and going over to talk to her.

Remus and Sirius nodded at Harry, while the two women obliviously continued on their conversations. Remus had barely time to order a drink before Harry was back again.

"Gentlemen," Harry said to Sirius and Remus. "I'm going to head on home. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

The two women giggled ferociously, leaving Harry to think Sirius and Remus might be making a break for it pretty soon.

"Night, Harry," Sirius said wincing at the sound of the women's laughter.

Remus saw Harry throw his arm over the brunette and leave the bar, amazed at how quickly the young man worked.

Sirius and Remus continued to chat up the two women who it seemed loved the sound of their own voices. Remus had taken Sirius' advice and was hoping more alcohol would make them sound better.

It wasn't working.

Another twenty minutes and two drinks later the women said they had to leave. Given the option both Sirius and Remus declined the offers of walking them home choosing to stay for another drink instead.

Remus could tell he was quite drunk, and given the volume of Sirius' voice when he talked, he was too. But neither could believe their luck when a gorgeous pair of twins sat down and joined them in drinking. They were having a far better time, or perhaps, Remus mused, they were just drunk enough to not know any better. Approximately an hour later, the twins, Sirius, and Remus were all totally inebriated and began walking back to Grimmauld Place.

Remus was in slightly better shape than Sirius, or at least than Sirius was acting, because the elder Lord Black had a twin under each arm, helping him up the stairs. It was only after they both helped Sirius back towards his master bedroom that Remus realized the twins were a package deal and they were going with Sirius.

Sirius came back out into the hallway where Remus was standing in disappointed surprise. "Sorry Moony, but… twins!"

"It's fine," Remus said.

"It's better than fine," Sirius cheered, glancing back and noticing they were both making themselves at home in his bed.

"I'm just gonna crash in one of the guest rooms," Remus assured him, noticing he was slurring his words and feeling exhaustion replace his nervous excitement.

"Yeah, of course," Sirius said. "Just don't…" Sirius stopped when his drunken mind came to a truly brilliant conclusion, realizing he could have his twins and maybe get Remus laid after all. "Third door on the right. That's the cleanest guest room in the whole house."

"Thanks Padfoot. Have fun," Remus tiredly agreed and walked down the hall. He opened the door and didn't even feel like turning on the light. He closed the door behind him, stripped out of his clothes, and crawled into the large inviting bed. He idly noticed that it did smell quite nice and was surprisingly warm and soft.