Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: Big thanks to IP, Chuck, Jim, Draco, and all the folks who help me straighten out my chapters as their input greatly improved this one. You may think this chapter is filler, but I prefer to think of it more like an interlude. And I realized we're closer to the end of this fic than I first thought. Not completely sure but there's probably somewhere between seven and a dozen chapters to go. Thanks for all the reviews. I do read and appreciate every one. And I try to answer any legitimate questions asked (that means I won't tell you who That Fucker is. But if you guess it exactly right and back it up with reasons properly I may tell you to shush...).
CHAPTER NINETEEN
"You know putting Grimmauld under a Fidelius isn't that bad of an idea even if we do move Bellatrix into her own place."
"If?" Sirius squeaked. "What do you mean if? And you've got a problem Harry. Your solution to everything is putting it under Fidelius. It's not healthy."
"It's a fantastic charm," Harry indignantly argued.
"And if we put it over our place that would mean no more bringing muggles home."
Harry shrugged. "I know. But we made the decision against it before we publicly kicked Voldemort's ass."
"Our gift though, Harry," Sirius pleaded. "We should use our gift. We owe it to sex. You know we do."
Harry always had trouble arguing against sex.
"And don't give me that hotels or their places bollocks," Sirius said shaking his finger.
"Fine," Harry said. "I'm not saying we have to. But give it some consideration."
They arrived at the entrance to the newest branch of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes located in Hogsmeade. Harry opened the door and let Sirius in first.
"Attention shoppers," Sirius yelled loudly. "There is an extremely irritable werewolf in here. Do not antagonize him."
"Sirius," Remus called out from behind the cash register wincing at the sudden yelling. He rubbed his ears, grateful that the store was currently empty. "I'm not above jinxing your eyebrows into thinking they're foreskin."
Sirius blinked. "That would make my head look really odd. Both of them, come to think of it."
"You feeling okay, Moony?" Harry asked as he leaned on the counter next to Remus.
Remus half-heartedly grunted positively. "Considering last night, yeah, about normal."
Sirius was still walking through the aisles looking at the goodies for sale. "I bet you'd be feeling better if you just let me keep you company, instead of you know who."
"Voldemort?" Harry inquired.
Remus turned to Harry. "You think I spend the full moon with Voldemort?"
Sirius laughed as he picked up a product, smelled it, and set it back down. "I'd forgotten about all those nicknames like You-Know-Who."
"Bleh," Harry said sticking out his tongue. "Easy for you to forget them. You never even got one after breaking out of prison."
"I should have gotten one," Sirius realized and began to daydream aloud. "He-Who-Could-Not-Be-Contained."
"Twelve years," Remus reminded.
"For-Too-Long," Sirius added.
Harry decided not to crush his godfather's hopes of being nickname worthy. "I swear if I heard Hermione's spiel about 'fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself' one more time, I was going find You-Know-Who and jam my You-Know-What You-Know-How into his You-Know-Where… hole."
Remus tiredly looked at Sirius messing up one of the displays. "This has been great guys. I'm so glad you dropped by."
"Sorry Moony," Harry apologized. "Aren't you closing soon?"
Remus nodded. "Officially we're open until ten." He waved his wand towards the front turning the sign off and locking the door. "But it's close enough for me."
"Nice work ethic," Sirius nodded. "Tonks would approve."
Harry jumped in with a smile. "We've got some good news, some bad news, and some great news."
Remus looked up curiously. "Give me the bad news."
"No," Harry firmly retorted. "I wasn't asking what you wanted first. The good news is we're kicking Bellatrix out."
"What?" Remus asked worriedly. "Kicking her out?"
"She doesn't know yet," Sirius commented.
"Why?" Remus said looking at Harry and Sirius in disappointment.
"Well that ties into the bad news," Harry said with a clap of his hands. "See, the reason we're kicking her out is that we've got a new house rule: no pregnant chicks."
"That seems a bit harsh," Remus said before stopping in sudden realization of what Harry had just implied. "You mean she's…"
"Carrying your furry half-breed beast," Sirius agreed. "Yup."
"That's…" Remus was struggling for words. He straightened up and defiantly whined, "That's not bad news."
Sirius looked at Harry in confusion. "I guess it depends on how you look at it."
Remus frowned. "So then what's the great news?"
Harry grinned brightly. "We've submitted an offer for the flat next to yours."
Remus took a moment before connecting the good news and bad news with the great news. He closed his eyes and sighed. "She's always going to be at my place, isn't she?"
"I'm really not sure," Sirius said walking up to the counter where Harry and Remus were. "But just in case, let me be the first to say… ha-hah!" Sirius laughed while childishly pointing.
"Ha-hah," Harry echoed and pointed at Remus. "Second."
"This is…" Remus was still processing the situation. "This is big. Where is she? I should talk to her."
"She was at Grimmauld Place," Harry said checking with Sirius.
Sirius nodded. "I think she was planning on a night in. I remember something about drowning herself in the bathtub."
"Whatever," Harry said waving Sirius off. "We're going to the Hog's Head, Moony. Care to join us?"
"No," Remus said shaking his head. He started locking up the register and shutting down everything else. "I'm going to go see her. This is… wow."
"Congratulations," Harry said finally realizing how much Remus was smiling. "Forgot about that part. Way to impregnate."
"Thanks," Remus agreed patting Harry on the back and urging them out of the store. "Come on, come on."
Sirius and Harry were pushed out the front door and Remus activated the store's lockdown wards.
"Slow down," Harry argued as Remus was frantically locking up.
"See you later guys," Remus snapped and apparated away with a loud crack.
"It's not like you don't have eight and half months or so," Harry mumbled towards the empty air.
Sirius and Harry walked through the wizarding village and down to the familiar dingy pub.
"Grab us a pitcher of draft," Sirius said. "I'm going to hit the loo."
Harry carefully walked up to the bar and saw Gin smirking at him. "Please don't nut me. You know Sirius is waiting in the bathroom just hoping to see the pictures change."
"What's in it for-" Gin began when a group at a back booth called out for her. She pasted a clearly mocking smile on her face. "I'll be with you in a minute, Harry."
Harry turned to his left and saw a very cute redhead watching him unabashedly. Harry looked away and tried to smother his grin. He walked over to her cataloguing just which parts of her form fitting robes were pulled taut. "You know an attractive young woman like yourself stands out quite a bit in a place like this."
"As does as a Lord Black," the redhead playfully retorted. She turned forward to face the bar, looking away from Harry finally.
Harry was mesmerized by the nape of her neck and her profile when she looked away. "So what is it that brings an attractive young woman like yourself into a place like this?"
"Are you flirting with me, Lord Black?" she asked with a small grin distinctly lacking in innocence.
"Please, call me Harry," Harry said noticing his godfather walk up. Harry had been waving Sirius off the whole way but the older man barged right up to him anyway. Harry warned, "I hope there's an emergency."
"No, not exactly," Sirius replied. He glanced at the redhead wearing a sultry grin. "Sorry to interrupt you. I just need to speak to Harry for a second."
The young woman was seductively pulling the cherry stem from her mouth as she swallowed the fruit that had been on the bottom of her drink. "I can wait."
"What?" Harry irritably asked his godfather.
"Listen, Harry, you remember when you gave me a hard time for hitting on that nineteen year old installing the floo?"
"She was eighteen," Harry corrected and glanced at the redhead again, guessing her to be early twenties.
"Yeah, about that…" Sirius said before reaching over and tapping the redhead on the shoulder. "What's your last name?"
She glanced at Sirius oddly and answered. "Potter."
"See ya, Harry," Sirius cheerfully said, slapping Harry on the back as he walked away.
Harry's entire body froze in shock, suddenly realizing why the young woman had seemed familiar. He turned to look at her closer. He wasn't saying anything just staring at her in abject horror and fascination.
She blushed slightly under the intense scrutiny. "Don't tell me my parents have managed to scare you that badly."
"You're Sarah Potter," Harry said in a calm dulcet tone. "Sarah… Potter."
"Yeah," Sarah agreed. "And you're Lord Harry Black. My little brother's hero."
"I…" Harry stuttered, becoming disgusted with himself for having entertained certain thoughts. "I…"
"Want to buy me a drink?" Sarah suggested with a smile, shaking the ice in her empty glass.
"I…"
Sirius came up from behind Harry and saw he was struggling. "Listen, Miss Potter. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to take Harry here. A situation has come up that requires our immediate attention."
"Nice meeting you," Sarah said tipping her glass back so she could chew up her ice.
Harry wanted to smile seeing his 'sort of' sister was such an understanding genial person, but he knew how smiling at her would look. He was stuck in a loop of inaction as Sirius turned him around and led him back towards the other side of the bar.
Sirius sat Harry down on a stool and spun him around, attracting his full attention. "I wasn't lying, Harry. A situation has come up that I think we need to address."
"What's up?" Harry asked, acting more alert than he felt.
"I just met a young woman who was drowning herself in butterbeer," Sirius explained.
"Butterbeer?"
"I'm guessing she has a low tolerance," Sirius assured him. "Anyways, she has had what she calls an unfortunately boring life. Bemoaning the fact that she never got into a fight in school, never went on an adventure, and claims to have never done anything spontaneous on a lark."
"Okay," Harry said not sure where Sirius was going with this.
"When I heard this, I knew immediately it was up to us to correct this oversight," Sirius continued. "We need to make an adventure. Just go somewhere random, find something fun to do, and take her with us."
Harry was a bit skeptical but shrugged. "Alright."
Sirius turned Harry around towards the corner of the bar where a brunette was lackadaisically resting her chin on the bar. "Harry, I'd like you to meet Hermione Granger."
"Hermione?" Harry said unable to believe his eyes. "Your hair looks great."
"I'm not going to sleep with you," she mumbled, still hunched over the bar.
"No, it's just," Harry commented. "Your hair is so straight and wavy… It's not frizzy at all."
"I'm still not going to sleep with you." She finally lifted her head up and saw Sirius Black smiling widely at her. "Please tell me you're not still on this."
Sirius sat down right beside and swung his arm over her shoulder. "You were not meant to live an unfortunately boring life."
"That was the butterbeer talking," Hermione said shaking her head.
"You've earned an adventure and we're here to give it to you," Sirius insisted. "You know it'll do you some good."
Hermione's face curled up in a pout as she pondered the best response. "Fine," she conceded. "I suppose you could be right. So when were you thinking?"
"Oh no," Sirius assured her, grabbing her drink and downing the rest of it. "We're doing it now."
"Now?" Hermione squeaked in surprise. She looked at her watch. "But it's already past ten."
Harry shook his head in disappointment. "Oh, Hermione."
"The fact that you're concerned that it's already past ten just further proves how important it is that we do this immediately," Sirius assured. "And besides, it's not ten everywhere."
Harry checked that he had his satchel with him. "I've got some energizing potions. And I can't help but notice it's about 8 in the morning on the Sydney beaches."
"I was thinking New Zealand waterfalls maybe," Sirius suggested.
Harry shrugged. "It's two in the afternoon in Vegas."
Sirius shook his head. "Since when has time ever mattered in Vegas?"
Hermione saw the two Lord Blacks conversing back and forth and couldn't take it. "You can not just up and go anywhere you want."
Harry smirked at one of his first friends. "Are you a witch or not?"
Hermione resisted the urge to huff. "You still need permits for international travel."
Sirius unceremoniously lifted Hermione up off her bar stool. "Come along Miss Granger. You're traveling with two noble Lords."
"What does that matter?" Hermione questioned curiously.
"Harry?" Sirius prompted.
"When in service of matters pertaining to an ancient and noble family, a Lord is not restricted by such pedestrian laws," Harry happily recited. "Before you ask, it is up to the Lord's discretion. And I say this is a family matter."
"You don't even know me," Hermione argued but didn't resist in the slightest as she was led out the front of the Hog's Head.
"That's what makes it spontaneous and random," Harry argued.
"Where do we start?" Sirius asked, wrapping an arm around Hermione.
Harry snaked his arm around Hermione from the other side. "I'm thinking let's start in Egypt. Just to take a peek."
" Egypt?" Hermione asked excitedly.
Sirius turned to Harry. "I'll help, but you're pulling us."
Harry nodded and began to focus on the target for a long distance apparition.
"Why Egypt?" Hermione quietly asked Sirius.
Sirius leaned towards her and whispered, "He still wants to ride on the back of a nundu."
Hermione's eyes widened fearfully. "Ride on what-" She was cut off as she felt the squeezing sensation and loud sound accompanied with disapparition.
The group of three slammed into place on the muddy bank of a river. Harry and Sirius were trying to hold Hermione steady but they all fell backwards onto their bums.
Hermione screamed and scrambled away from them. "What do you think you're doing? Oh god. I think I'm going to be sick." Hermione was on her hands and knees trying to catch her breath.
Harry jumped up and was brushing off his robes. "How much did you have to drink?"
"I'm not drunk," Hermione snapped without even looking up. "I'm just not used to being forcefully apparated and kidnapped."
"I told you she needs our help," Sirius assured Harry.
Harry reached into his satchel and found a bottle of water. He held it out for Hermione, "Water?"
Hermione accepted the bottle and eagerly drank it up. "This is a bad idea. Take me home."
"Sorry Hermione," Harry said shaking his head. "I have an old friend who would be very disappointed in me if I did that."
"You really are kidnapping me," Hermione said with a frown as she sipped the chilled beverage. "I don't know who you think you're dealing with-"
"Hermione Jean Granger, only daughter of Samuel and Delilah Granger," Harry recounted. "Both muggles and both dentists. How am I doing so far?"
Hermione had her wand out in an instant and was pointing it at Harry and then Sirius intermittently. She was slightly worried that neither seemed concerned nor had they drawn their wands even. "What do you want from me?"
Harry carefully withdrew his wand and nodded at Sirius to do the same. "I swear on my magic, I mean you no harm, no ill will, and only wish to break the monotony of your so-called unfortunately boring life."
Sirius made the same pledge and they both tucked their wands away.
"Happy?" Harry asked while digging into his satchel.
Hermione's wand arm lowered and she looked at the two Lord Blacks curiously. "Oaths can be broken."
"Oh brother," Sirius grumbled. "Why don't you cut loose for once? We're here to have some fun. Midnight skinny-dipping?"
"No!" Hermione insisted angrily knowing all too well the reputations of both Lord Blacks. "Where are we?"
"You're in denial," Sirius replied unable to help himself.
Harry groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Feel free to curse him for that."
"What?" Hermione asked in confusion.
"That's the Nile," Harry said pointing towards the river. "He was making a punny."
Hermione giggled unable to help herself.
Harry saw Hermione laugh and turned to Sirius. "It's worse than we thought."
"I think we need skinny-dipping," Sirius said lifting his robe off.
"Stop!" Hermione said abruptly turning around. "I won't go along with this insanity unless you both stay fully clothed."
Sirius frowned and pulled his robe back on. "At least she didn't say anything-"
"Me too!" Hermione quickly added.
"Nuts," Sirius sighed. "Fine. Fully clothed adventure. That sounds just… wild."
Harry cast a few location charms and decided, "We're a couple kilometers south of where we want to be. You guys feel up to some hiking?"
"Let's float," Sirius suggested digging into his pocket. He withdrew a small yellow packet that he tore in half. The packet quickly expanded into a full-size octagonal raft that he dragged down to the river's edge.
"You carry an inflatable raft with you?" Hermione asked in confusion.
"Of course." Sirius nodded. "In case of emergencies or sudden pool parties."
Harry climbed into the raft and held out a hand to help Hermione in.
"Sudden pool parties?" Hermione questioned while delicately stepping into the raft.
"The parties aren't sudden. The pools are," Sirius added pushing the raft off the bank and hopping in himself.
"Don't ask," Harry interrupted Hermione.
Hermione saw them drifting out into the river and looked around. "Don't we need oars?"
"Naw," Sirius said. "That's what we keep Harry around for."
Harry had extended his invisible magical arms and was slowly paddling them downstream.
"That's right! Your magical appendages," Hermione brightened as the scholar inside her shined through. "I'd love to study them sometime. See what they can really do."
Harry and Sirius exchanged looks, both highly amused. Harry nodded at his godfather. "Go ahead."
"All of his magical appendages?" Sirius asked with a snicker. "Or just the invisible ones?"
Hermione blushed as she realized what she had said. "I didn't mean it like that."
"We're just giving you a hard time," Harry assured her while his arms continued to break the stillness of the water with small gentle splashes.
Hermione's cheeks were still pink as she replied, "Yeah I get the feeling that's exactly what you both want to give me."
Sirius gasped and turned to Harry. "A lewd joke! We're making progress already."
"You two are shameless," Hermione admitted with a grin.
"Pretty much," Sirius agreed digging out a bottle of firewhiskey.
Harry was leaning back looking up at the expansive sky. "That's a bright moon."
"It was full last night," Sirius reminded thinking of Remus.
Hermione took a moment to appreciate her surroundings, the crystal clear reflection on the river's surface, the nighttime sounds of frogs and insects, the gentle breeze of the comfortably cool night. "It's beautiful."
"And just think," Harry added. "If we hadn't kidnapped you, can you ever see yourself going for a float down the Nile on the spur of the moment?"
"This is crazy," Hermione half-heartedly complained. "You're just lucky it's a nice night."
"So tell us about yourself," Harry stated. "Why is it that you think you've had an unfortunately boring life?"
"I said it once," Hermione chided. "You don't need to keep using that phrase."
Harry accepted the bottle from Sirius and took a swig of the firewhiskey.
"Speaking of my life," Hermione turned towards Harry accusingly. "Just why do you know so much about me?"
Harry winked at her and offered the bottle. "That's classified, I'm afraid."
"Declassify it," Hermione ordered taking the bottle and knocking back a big gulp. She quickly began to cough as she swallowed the harsh liquid.
Harry was biting his lip and glanced at Sirius. Sirius just shrugged and supplied, "In another life, I bet you and Harry were best friends."
Hermione was wiping her face after the minor coughing fit and handed the bottle to Sirius. "What does that mean?"
"Don't do this, Hermione," Harry instructed. "Don't try to analyze things, don't break it down until everything has an explanation and you understand it all. Tonight is about you cutting loose and having some fun."
"You're not stalking me, are you?" Hermione warily asked.
"No, I'm not stalking you," Harry assured her. "Don't you trust me?"
Hermione was closely watching Harry looking for any clue to his mystery. "I don't know why, but for some reason I do."
Harry smiled brightly.
She turned to Sirius, "You, not so much."
"Good instincts," Harry agreed.
"Hey," Sirius said in defense of himself. "That's… alright fine. So tell us. You got a job? A boyfriend?" He paused before hopefully adding, "Maybe a girlfriend?"
Hermione glanced at Sirius and was going to ask but Harry immediately offered, "Yes, he really is that perverted."
Hermione nodded and decided to just trust her gut. "I'm the Assistant to the Deputy Director of Non-Human Relations for the Ministry of Magic."
"That's a heck of a title," Harry agreed thinking that was significantly lower than the position his Hermione had been offered by the Ministry. "How's the job?"
"It's fine," Hermione answered immediately.
"Ouch," Sirius said with a wince. "Sorry to hear that."
"It's not bad," Hermione continued. "I mean the work is good. House elf mistreatment is a much more important issue than people realize."
Harry had to look away to keep from laughing at her.
"I'm serious!" Hermione indignantly replied when she saw Harry's amusement.
"Hey, me too," Sirius was forced to interject.
"I'm not laughing at you," Harry explained to Hermione through his chuckles. He turned to Sirius, "And I'm definitely not laughing at you."
Sirius shrugged.
"It's just," Harry grinned at Hermione. "It's nothing. You're right. Most house elves do deserve better."
"Thank you," Hermione agreed. "And just so you know, jokes about your name Sirius, are the quickest way to get a woman to never want to sleep with you."
"Hey," Sirius replied.
"Ever," Hermione added. "Ever."
Harry smiled at Sirius' pouting. "Since you so kindly brought up the subject, Hermione, tell us, is there a significant other in your life?"
"No," Hermione answered. "Well, not really."
"Not really, huh?" Harry jumped on the phrase. "And does this man know he's not significant?"
Hermione looked away. "Probably not. I tried to explain that we should just be friends, but he talked me into calling it 'taking a break.'"
"Want us to kill him?" Sirius offered.
"No," Hermione glanced over at Sirius trying to judge the veracity of his comment. "Please don't."
"Fair enough," Harry agreed. "What else you got? Tell us something juicier. Like why you feel your life is boring."
"It's not boring," Hermione argued. "It's just… I don't know. I feel like I've missed out on things. And I feel like there should be more I'm doing, instead of being stuck in a job where the fact that I'm a woman doesn't matter, but the fact that my parents are muggles is one of the most important things about me."
"Pureblood bastards," Harry angrily mocked.
"That's us," Sirius agreed. "Well, me anyway. You're not exactly a pureblood."
"Shhh," Harry mock hushed the older man. "That's supposed to be our little secret."
"You're not a pureblood?" Hermione asked curiously. "But you're Lord Black."
Harry shrugged. "My mum was muggleborn." He paused and saw Hermione was looking for more explanation. "I got the title from my godfather. He died. Left me a big house and an evil house elf that told me to use a certain ring to fix the wards on the place. I put on the ring, fixed the wards, and only later found out it was a hereditary ring. The house elf was hoping the ring was going to kill me, not make me the new Lord Black."
Hermione frowned at the description of the elf. "He may have just been confused."
"No," Sirius assured her. "He was trying to kill him."
"So how are you Lord Black, then?" Hermione asked Sirius.
"Long story," Harry said. "We're not going to tell it. Besides, I think this is what we're looking for." Harry said paddling them off to the large recess where the river curved east.
"What are we looking for?" Hermione asked, seeing lots of dense foliage and signs of paths that had grown over years ago.
"This village was destroyed in 1893 by a nundu," Harry explained hopping out of the raft and dragging it up the bank. "It was the second time in three hundred years the village was visited by one."
"You're genuinely looking for a nundu," Hermione commented stepping out of the raft. "Have you been checked by a mind healer in a while?"
"Come on Granger," Sirius chided with a smile. "Grow a pair."
"I'm a woman," Hermione reminded.
Sirius frowned at the literal interpretation and added, "Grow a pair of tits?"
Hermione crossed her arms over her chest. "My breasts are just fine, thank you very much."
"That they are," Sirius happily agreed, drawing his wand and catching up to Harry.
Hermione looked out towards the river and thought she saw something large make a splash as it surfaced and dove back down. She quickly decided she didn't want to be alone and hurried to catch up to them. "Wait for me."
She ran past Sirius and caught up to Harry, grabbing onto his hand. "Don't you dare leave me alone out here in the middle of the night."
Harry looked down at their entwined hands and smiled at her. "You'll be fine." Harry reached an area with some rotted and broken down structures that once were huts. "This is the place."
"This is creepy," Hermione said, holding her wand in her free hand.
"If you see a nundu," Harry ordered. "Let me know."
"Sure thing," Hermione skeptically agreed.
"What do they look like?" Sirius asked staring off into the darkness.
Harry grinned as Hermione immediately responded to a question just like the Hermione he went to school with.
"They resemble leopards, but are more than three times their size, larger even than any of the muggle great cats. Contrary to popular belief they cannot turn invisible. In fact it is the rosettes on a nundu's back that have illusionary abilities allowing them to smoothly blend into their surroundings."
Sirius blinked and turned towards Hermione. "Okay…"
"Great big leopards," Harry summarized.
"Gotcha," Sirius agreed pulling out his omnioculars and turning back towards the darkness. "Are they ever normal sized leopards?"
"Maybe a baby nundu," Harry suggested while squinting in the distance. "Why?"
"Because I think see a baby nundu coming down from a tree through there," Sirius pointed. "It's crawling backwards down the trunk in goofy way."
"Really?" Harry said hurrying over towards Sirius.
"What?" Hermione squeaked knowing leopards were nocturnal hunters. "Come on guys. Hunting nundus is funny enough in theory, but let's not anger the dangerous wildlife please."
"Gimme those," Harry said grabbing the omnioculars from his godfather. "Oh I see it! It's creeping across the ground this way."
"Err," Sirius interrupted. "You need to look to your right. It's still in the tree I think."
Harry panned slightly and gasped. "Sweet! There's two baby nundus."
"They are not baby nundus!" Hermione whispered insistently. "But we should still get out of here."
Harry was continuing to focus on the large felines with the omnioculars switching between night vision and heat signatures.
"You can go back to the raft, if you want," Sirius suggested.
"I'm not going out there alone," Hermione hissed. "Come on you guys, let's go."
Harry sighed and handed the omnioculars back to Sirius. "Hermione's right."
"Thank god," Hermione relaxed for a moment.
"They're not baby nundus," Harry agreed. "Their heads are normal sized for those bodies. They're just leopards."
"I'm right about leaving, too, though, right?" Hermione pleaded. "Right?"
"They're headed this way," Sirius happily cheered.
"We should go." Hermione tried lying as she pulled on Harry's arm. "I'm a bleeder. And carry many contagious diseases."
Harry stood his ground shaking his head. "They just want to come over and say meow. That's cat for 'Hi Hermione.'" He paused and scratched his chin. "Or is it 'Die mudblood?' I get those two mixed up."
Hermione smacked Harry on the arm. "We don't have time for your stupid jokes."
"Yeah really, Harry," Sirius said with a frown. "We barely have enough time for the smart jokes as it is."
"You're not helping," Hermione whined, wanting to run but unprepared to leave Harry's side.
"Here," Sirius handed her the omnioculars. "You can see them too. They're right through there."
Hermione took the omnioculars and was surprised to find they showed heat signatures. "There are three of them!"
"Ooh, three," Sirius grinned. "First person to scratch one behind the ears gets free drinks."
"You're on," Harry quickly agreed. "Belly rubs count too."
"You guys are insane," Hermione pleaded. "What happened to swearing not to harm me?"
Harry patted Hermione on the top of her head and assured her. "We'll be fine. It's not like leopards can cast anti-apparition jinxes."
"That'd be scary if they could," Sirius agreed with a shiver.
Hermione twitched as she felt a magical wave run over her. "What was that?"
Sirius closed his eyes, concentrated, and grunted when nothing happened. "Ack. Anti-apparition."
Hermione quickly tried to apparate and slammed into the ward. She whimpered loudly and was starting to shake.
"Oh crap," Sirius's voice squeaked and took a step back.
Harry just chuckled happily. "Sorry guys. I couldn't resist."
Hermione started punching Harry as he removed the anti-apparition ward. "That wasn't funny! That was mean and nasty!"
Sirius snickered. "Actually it was pretty funny. I think a little pee came out."
Harry laughed and tried to calm Hermione. "Relax. The leopards can sense your fear."
"Everyone can sense my fear," Hermione begged. "I'm not making it a secret."
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty," Sirius said as one of the leopards emerged from the shadows and stopped to watch the three people. "Oh aren't you a big kitty."
"Grrr," the front leopard growled loudly trying to scare them off.
Sirius paused and turned towards Hermione. "Do leopards eat people?"
"There are some conflicting opinions on whether the aggressive behavior first observed-"
"Hermione," Harry interrupted.
"Yes," Hermione summarized as she gripped onto Harry's arm. "Yes they do."
A second leopard was hunched to the ground and inching forward with its shoulder blades up threateningly. "Grrr."
Sirius looked over and saw the second leopard had stopped moving forward. He got the feeling that was a bad sign. "I think I'm gonna…" With a sudden crack, Sirius apparated a safe distance behind Harry and Hermione.
"Rhawr!" Both leopards roared as they leapt through the air at the gunshot like sound.
Harry's invisible arms easily stopped both cats, slamming into them hard enough to flip them tail over head onto their backs. "Coward," he called out to Sirius.
Another crack sounded as Sirius apparated right next to Harry and Hermione. "You're the coward."
Hermione was unable to let bad logic go by without comment. "That doesn't make any sense."
"Speaking of big pussy," Sirius segued with a jerk of his thumb. "There's another leopard back there."
Harry was pushing the angry cats away, trying not to seriously injure them despite the fact that they kept coming.
"This is unnatural behavior," Hermione said, hunched down keeping a hand on Harry at all times. "Leopards aren't pack hunters. Occasionally they'll share territory but they shouldn't all be attacking."
"I knew it," Sirius argued. "Baby nundus."
"They're not baby nundus," Hermione insisted.
Sirius saw there was no reasoning with Hermione. "I'm going to make sure the raft is okay."
"Wait," Harry called out grabbing onto Sirius' arm just as he apparated. There was an extraordinarily loud crack as Sirius disappeared and Harry was left standing there holding Sirius' detached left arm. He glanced at Hermione, his face showing worry for the first time. "Oops."
Hermione screeched as several leopards charged and were again rebuffed by Harry's invisible arms.
"You splinched me!" Sirius shouted loudly in the distance.
"Sorry," Harry shouted back.
Hermione was watching the now four different leopards all prowling around her and Harry. "Go away!" She shouted while picking up rocks and throwing them at the leopards. "Get out of here!"
The cats were jumping away from the rocks but not backing down any.
Harry's mind began going off in dangerous directions. He turned to Hermione and said, "Cover me for a second."
"What?" Hermione yelped as Harry dropped to his knees. She hurriedly cast banishing charms at every leopard whether they were attacking or not. "What are you doing?"
"Shh," Harry shushed while casting a series of various charms on the unattached left arm he was still holding.
Harry jumped back to his feet and knocked back a quietly approaching leopard. "You missed that one. It could've killed us."
Hermione turned to look at Harry in disbelief.
"Now remember," Harry said. "Whatever happens, don't tell Sirius." And just like that, Harry chucked the extra appendage through the air like a stick for a dog. "Fetch!"
All four leopards closest to them chased after the lightly blood-covered limb.
Harry and Hermione just stood there watching as a fight quickly broke out for the arm. Two of the leopards each had an end and were wrestling in a vicious tug of war, while a third chomped down right in the middle, bending the arm at the elbow.
"No ear scratching or belly rubbing yet, right?" Sirius asked stealthily rejoining them.
"What took you so long?" Harry asked.
"Hello, splinch?" Sirius said pointing towards his empty sleeve. "I wasn't about to try apparating back to you."
"Well good," Harry said subtly glancing towards the leopards grouped together. "Because the sound of apparition is part of what's making them attack."
"Really?" Sirius asked.
Harry nodded.
Sirius began searching the ground around where they were standing. "What did you do with my arm?"
Harry flashed Hermione a look and innocently replied, "What arm?"
Sirius saw the leopards were growling in a pitched battle for dominance and suddenly took notice of what they were battling over. "What the-… Oh my-… Harry!"
"I'm sorry, Sirius," Harry assured. "I tried everything I could, but you know how Hermione gets-"
"You threw it and yelled fetch," Hermione argued.
Harry frowned. "No one likes a tattle tale."
Sirius was tempted to transform into his dog form but knew even if he managed it, he'd only have three legs and he'd be up against a pack of leopards. "Get me my arm back!"
Harry looked over and saw all of the leopards were now surrounding the arm, snapping their jaws, and swatting dangerously at each other. He glanced back at Sirius, "They really seem to like it."
"Harry!"
"They could be starving, you know."
"It's my arm."
"Fine," Harry said lifting his wand struggling to decide on what spell to use. Finally he sent a couple spanking hexes at the leopards and that just seemed to piss them off as two of them began to charge again.
Harry glanced back at Sirius. "You really need an extra arm? One could be plenty."
"Dammit Harry," Sirius swore.
"Oh for Merlin's sake," Hermione grumbled. She swung her arm in a wide motion and lobbed a large conjured cantaloupe through the air. The mid-sized fruit landed right next to one of the leopards. Her second attempt collided with the back of a leopard that sent it whimpering off.
"Good thinking," Harry agreed remembering when Hermione taught him this spell as well as the more draining version he preferred. He slashed his wand upward and swept his extended arm underhand, lobbing a conjured watermelon right next to the leopards.
Hermione and Harry repeated their motions raining down large round fruit and sending the leopards scampering in circles. Cantaloupe and watermelons were crashing into the leopards backs and bouncing off the ground in random directions.
Sirius could only look at his poor mauled arm in disbelief.
"You know you could try summoning it while we distract them," Harry suggested, sending another watermelon arcing through the night sky.
Sirius had his wand out and was attempting to summon his arm. "It's not working."
Harry was about to give up on hiding his giggles. "Maybe the leopards haven't figured out anti-apparition yet but they've mastered anti-summoning charms."
Hermione cracked first and started laughing.
Sirius realized he'd been had. "You bitches."
Harry caught Hermione's eye and joined her in laughter.
"I really thought they were chewing my arm up," Sirius admitted, holding his remaining hand over his heart.
"Yeah, about that…"
"Harry!"
"Sirius," Hermione explained. "I didn't see what Harry cast on your arm, but those leopards would have torn that thing to shreds by now if it wasn't protected."
"Shoo!" Sirius called out. "Go away!"
The tall grass on the other side of the leopards began to sway and a violent thrashing was heard.
"Or at least stay over there," Sirius corrected, taking a step back and moving behind Harry.
One last watermelon from Harry landed flush on a leopard's rump and it yelped out. All of the leopards then turned tail and ran leaving the arm behind as an afterthought.
Harry looked at Hermione curiously, while staying alert looking for danger.
Hermione shrugged. "They've been acting like a pack. I think we scared the leader away and the rest fell in line."
Harry looked over to see how confident she was in her theory.
"Maybe," Hermione added uncertainly.
Sirius jogged up over to his un-summonable arm. "Dammit Harry. That's gonna leave a scar."
"I did one shallow cut so a little blood would come out before I charmed it," Harry argued. "Most of that is just leopard slobber."
"That's a deep gash not a shallow cut," Sirius pouted.
"Don't be so melodramatic," Harry chided.
Hermione gasped loudly and fell backwards. "We should be dead." She mumbled to herself. "We should all be dead."
"That's melodramatic," Sirius said pointing towards Hermione. "I'm being reasonable."
Harry ignored his godfather and hurried over to Hermione. "What's going… holy shit! That thing is big. Is it dead?"
"This is insane," Hermione said shaking her head. "There's no way…"
Sirius walked to the edge of the high grass and saw what they were looking at. "Hey, nundu!" He glanced at Harry and walked right up to the massive beast. He rubbed his hand on its belly. "First."
"There's not a mark on it." Harry could see its eyes were still open but the magnificent creature was clearly no longer among the living. "What happened?"
"It's so soft," Sirius said rubbing the nundu's belly. "What is this thing? About four meters, you think?"
Harry saw Hermione had been shocked senseless and walked up to the head large enough to eat him in two bites. He pushed up the top lip and saw rows of sharp teeth. "It's still warm. I think this might be the pack leader and the reason the others ran away."
Hermione realized Harry was addressing her and nodded. "You're probably right. But what killed it?"
"I don't see any blood," Sirius commented, lifting up the large tail and fighting his animagus urge to sniff the beast's rear end. "Heart attack?"
Harry wrapped his hands around the front teeth and slowly pulled the massive jaws apart. He slammed the mouth closed and looked up. The others looked at him inquisitively as he repeated the motion and looked in the nundu's mouth again. "You gotta be kiddin' me."
"What is it?" Hermione asked.
Harry sighed. "The nundu suffocated. It couldn't breathe."
"Are you sure?" Hermione asked, finally stepping up to giant magical mammal. She looked in as Harry held the jaws open. "Oh."
Sirius walked around the supposed most dangerous creature in the world and looked through the sharp jagged teeth. He barked out a laugh when he was able to see down the feline's throat. Sticking out the behind the swollen tongue was the top half of a large watermelon. "I should have guessed."
"I didn't mean to kill it," Harry pleaded. "It was an accident."
"There's no way," Hermione shook her head, still in disbelief. "A nundu has never been subdued with less than a hundred wizards. It's simply not possible."
Sirius grinned. "You don't know our Harry too well obviously."
"I just wanted to ride on its back," Harry defended. "I didn't even know it was here."
Sirius was running his fingers through its silky smooth thick fur. "I bet it's easier on your bits to ride something this soft." Sirius grabbed a handful of loose skin with his only arm and climbed his way on top of the nundu. "Oh yeah, this would be great… I mean if you hadn't killed it first."
Harry just looked at the nundu in sorrow before smiling slightly. "It is cool seeing one up this close."
Sirius clambered to his feet and stood triumphantly atop the nundu. "I'm the king of the jungle. Top of the bad-ass chain." He was bouncing up and down, just trying to keep his balance. He looked down at the reflective multi-colored spots in the fur. "This thing is softer than my bed."
"Sirius, get down," Harry ordered.
"You're just jealous I got up here first," Sirius countered bouncing higher and higher on the swollen belly of the beast.
Harry saw Hermione walking around to the front examining the thick whiskers on the nundu. Harry pleaded, "Sirius, I really don't think you should-"
"Don't be such a baby," Sirius scolded while kicking his legs out with each successive jump as if he were on a trampoline. "What's the worst that could happen?"
Harry slowly opened his eyes having recognized the familiar sterile smell of a hospital and the feel of starched sheets. He looked up and saw Sirius closing the door behind him. He glanced to his left and saw the other bed in the room was occupied by Hermione.
"I've got muffins for everyone who's forgiven me," Sirius happily exclaimed.
"Hah," Hermione indignantly scoffed without even looking up.
"I said I was sorry," Sirius pleaded.
"You got banana nut?" Harry asked, trying to remember exactly why he was hospitalized again.
"That's the spirit," Sirius cheered handing Harry a muffin. "What about you, Hermione? Cream cheese or blueberry?"
Hermione's anger deflated momentarily. "Did you say cream cheese?"
Sirius happily passed her a muffin and watched as she greedily took a bite and sighed in contentment. "I knew you forgave me."
Harry looked over and saw Hermione's hair looked a lot frizzier than he remembered and he was briefly reminded of his former best friend. "My memory is still a bit fuzzy."
"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "The healers said this might happen."
Harry noticed Hermione wasn't as confused as him, but she was staying quiet. "I remember… oh crud. I remember a nundu. And… and watermelons?"
"Yeah," Sirius said, plopping down into the chair next to Harry's bed, staying a safe distance away from Hermione. "Okay, listen. Since we're all going to heal and be just fine, I can safely tell you that it was… hilarious."
"My breasts are purple!" Hermione scolded.
"And I told you I'll believe that when I see it," Sirius shouted back. He gently added, "Please?"
Hermione harrumphed and went back to giving Sirius the cold shoulder.
"Maybe later then," Sirius continued. "But I mean, have you ever seen those slow motion videos of a muggle standing in front of a cannon firing?"
Harry heard Hermione pout again and looked back at his godfather. "What?"
"Because it was just like that," Sirius cheered. "The way Hermione's body crumpled and her eyes bugged out when that watermelon came shooting out of the nundu's mouth and slammed right into her stomach."
Hermione was growling softly.
"And a little bit of her chest," Sirius corrected. "Or so she claims."
"I'm not showing you my tits," Hermione snapped.
"That's not what the Daily Prophet says," Sirius playfully whispered to Harry.
"What?" Harry questioned. "I mean… what?"
"What did you say?" Hermione asked looking straight at Sirius.
"Nothing," Sirius defended.
"You were supposed to bring the newspaper. Where is it?" Hermione demanded.
Sirius shook his head. "Not until you're nicer to me."
"Can you just tell me why…" Harry paused. "Hang on. You were jumping up and down on the nundu. That's why the watermelon blasted out of the dead nundu's mouth."
"You know that's one of those lines," Sirius idly commented, "that may never have been uttered before in all history."
"So why am I hospitalized and you're not?" Harry asked. He looked over at Hermione, "You should've killed him not me."
Hermione looked at Sirius. "Day's not over yet."
"Anyway," Sirius avoided Hermione's eyes and continued. "As it turns out, it appears the watermelon that had been blocking the airway and suffocated the nundu also was holding back the last of the nundu's poisonous breath."
"Oh dear," Harry commented as images came back to him. He turned to Hermione. "I threw up on you. Sorry about that."
Hermione was growling again.
"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "You two got the worst of the nundu's breath. I got my stomach pumped, arm attached, a couple potions, and released after an hour."
Harry looked down at his left arm. "So why is my arm bandaged?"
"That's Hermione's fault," Sirius said pointing his finger at the frowning young woman.
Harry looked at her and saw no explanation or apology coming. "Huh?"
"She wasn't crazy about being vomited on and shoved you-"
"He tripped," Hermione argued.
"Maybe a little of both," Sirius agreed. "But you fell backwards right into the open mouth of our dead nundu friend. Impaled yourself on a fang."
"That's right," Harry remembered with a smile looking at the bandage. "This will be even better than a tattoo with the matching basilisk scar on my the other arm."
"That was also when you managed to inhale the rest of the nundu's breath," Sirius added.
"Oh."
"Anyways, through my quick thinking," Sirius continued.
"Hah," Hermione scoffed again.
"I knew we needed your power to apparate us back to London. So I grabbed my arm, rounded up Hermione who was panicking-"
"I think I was entitled to a little panic after you cracked three of my ribs," Hermione explained.
"And together we apparated into the lobby of St. Mungos," Sirius finished. "Which was especially entertaining, because you happened to bring the dead nundu you were impaled on with you."
"Nice," Harry cheered.
"Yeah, it was great," Sirius laughed. "Two people just fainted right at the sight of you all bloody, hanging halfway out a gigantic nundu's mouth. I was swinging my splinched arm around, demanding help and poking people. And then you two both started convulsing… classic. Good times."
"Excellent," Harry agreed and looked over to the horrified look on Hermione's face. "You okay?"
"That was not excellent," Hermione shrieked. "That was not classic. That was stupid and that was dangerous."
"Po-tay-toe, Po-tah-toe," Sirius retorted. "Didn't you have fun?"
"No," Hermione said. "You two even made my hair curl."
Harry nodded. "I was wondering if I was remembering that right."
"It gets frizzy when I'm stressed or worried," Hermione explained.
"I knew it," Harry triumphantly announced having always suspected he was to blame for that.
Sirius chuckled and jerked his thumb towards Harry. "Imagine going to school with this one."
Hermione paled and shook her head. "My nerves would never have survived, let alone my hair."
"You're made of stronger stuff than you think," Sirius assured her.
Hermione took that as a compliment and tried to smile. "May I please see the paper now?"
Sirius reached into his inner robe pocket and asked, "May I please see-"
"No," Hermione answered immediately.
"Fine," Sirius agreed and handed over the Daily Prophet. "Congratulations. We made the front page."
Hermione accepted the paper and looked at the top article. Nundu Hunt Successful: Two Lord Blacks and one Ministry employee were all it took to subdue the most dangerous magical creature known to wizardkind.
"I'm convulsing in the picture," Hermione complained.
"Harry's hanging out of the nundu's mouth and convulsing, so I don't think you really should be complaining," Sirius argued.
Hermione quickly scanned the article that made the supposed hunt sound far more dramatic and dangerous. Her name was mentioned several times as part of the trio of hunters but not in any way that offended her or made her sound bad. "This is all wrong, but I don't see why you didn't want me to read this."
Sirius looked at Harry briefly and quietly admitted, "There's another article on page three."
Harry saw the hesitancy in Sirius' statement and looked over at Hermione as she hurriedly opened the Prophet to page three.
"What!" Hermione shrieked. "What the hell is this?" She continued to mumble to herself as she read through the article.
"What is it?" Harry asked Sirius since it appeared Hermione wasn't going to be helpful.
"Turns out we're gay lovers," Sirius said with a shrug. "Rita Skeeter seems to think we're both tops and that's how we both managed to get the title of Lord."
Harry furrowed his brow. "What does that have to do with Hermione-"
Hermione interrupted as she loudly read, "Once again thumbing their noses at tradition the Lords Black have chosen plain looking muggleborn Hermione Granger to carry their gay baby! Who the hell does she think she is? Ohh, I am going to give this Rita Skeeter a piece of my mind."
"Gay baby?" Harry questioned. "That's not even proper writing. It makes it sound like our baby is gay."
"Well if you're gay and I'm gay," Sirius argued. "Then there's no way I'm raising any hetero baby. Not if I have anything to say about it."
"That's our baby," Harry scolded. "You will love it no matter what."
"See how easy that was?" Sirius grinned. "I'm the top, you're the bottom, acting like a sissy already."
"Why aren't you more upset by this?" Hermione questioned, realizing Harry and Sirius were joking about the article.
Harry looked at Sirius and back at Hermione. "Because it's not true?"
"Well," Sirius wavered. "They were right in that just the two of us went out and bought muggle pregnancy tests together."
Harry nodded. "You know that mixed with the whole dual Lords thing isn't really too much of a stretch."
"That's not the point," Hermione insisted. "These are outright boldfaced lies."
Harry tried to calm her. "Your picture is on the front page. People will know you're not plain looking."
"Thank you," Hermione smiled at the compliment before going back on her angry rant. "But reporters can't just make up stories because they want to."
Sirius wagged his finger. "You weren't this upset even though you said the front page article was all wrong."
"Well, if you want," Harry suggested. "I'm pretty sure Rita Skeeter has the illegal animagus form of a beetle. You could use that to blackmail her."
"Two wrongs don't make a right," Hermione argued.
"But seven lefts do," Sirius helpfully added earning a few odd looks.
"Or you could capture her in her animagus form and keep her locked in a jar for a year," Harry offered.
Hermione frowned harshly. "Not even you idiots are that cruel. Kidnapping and holding her hostage for a year is more than a touch extreme."
Harry glanced at Sirius and shrugged.
"Besides," Hermione explained. "People would notice she was missing and be looking for her everywhere."
Harry rubbed his chin in thought. "You'd think so, wouldn't you?"
"No," Hermione shook her head decisively. "I'm going to write a letter to the editor and if they don't print a retraction then I'm going to pursue a civil suit against her and the Daily Prophet."
Harry was about to comment on how crazy that idea was when a healer entered the room.
"Our potions lab has just finished mixing your salve, Miss Granger," the healer said while handing her a decent sized white jar. "The bruising was extremely deep but rub this into the affected area twice a day and it should be gone within a week."
"Thank you," Hermione replied. "So am I free to go?"
"Take it easy for the next day or so, but yes," the healer smiled as he turned to leave. "You are free to go."
She ran into the bathroom and changed into her cleaned robes. When she came back out, she looked over at Harry and Sirius and realized this was goodbye.
Sirius offered, "If you need any help with that rubbing-"
"Stop." Hermione was fighting the urge to curse him and wondered just when she got so violent. "I know… well I suspect anyway, that you two had good intentions, but please… don't do me any more favors." She turned to walk out the door.
"Wait," Harry called out. "At least you can appreciate your unfortunately boring life a bit more, now, right?"
Hermione's face twitched at the phrase but found herself quickly agreeing with the sentiment. "Maybe."
"So if you ever need a dose of excitement," Harry offered and given the look on her face added, "perhaps a smaller one, something like dinner, or a big brother to talk to the ex-boyfriend who can't take a hint. Just give us a shout, okay?"
Hermione's face softened showing no real hard feelings. "Give me a couple years to think it over. Goodbye Harry, Sirius."
Harry and Sirius waved goodbye as the Hermione of this world walked out of the room.
"There goes the mother of our gay baby," Sirius wistfully commented.
Harry turned to Sirius. "Whatever happened to the nundu?"
Sirius smiled brightly. "All taken care of. And I broke into Hermione's place and left her a present in her living room."
"Oh?"
"No, not the Padfoot kind," Sirius clarified. "She's got a brand new coffee table with four of the sturdiest legs with giant paws you'll ever see."
"Nice."
Sirius shrugged. "It should make for a good conversation piece."
"And us?"
"Great big nundu skin rug in front of the fire place," Sirius said with a lecherous grin. "And a mounted head that still has your blood on its teeth."
Harry smiled just picturing it. "Man, we're cool."
"Hard to believe we didn't completely win over Hermione yet," Sirius agreed.
Harry shrugged. "Yeah, I'm not sure the Hermione of this world is prepared to live in ours."
"No?"
"But I know the Hermione I grew up with would definitely appreciate our efforts to loosen her up a bit." Harry frowned. "Assuming she wasn't completely jealous of her hair."