Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Harry's bad mood was plain to see as he childishly stomped into the kitchen.

Sirius looked up from the Daily Prophet and smiled at Harry. "No luck?"

Harry grunted negatively.

"Maybe I can help," Sirius offered.

"I don't need to be laughed at," Harry grumbled. "And it's not like you could keep an eye out for me."

"True," Sirius agreed. "But between the two of us, I'm the only one who's successfully mastered the animagus transformation."

Harry frowned, unable to disagree with that. "Alright then, have you got any ideas on how to make this work? Because nothing I've tried has worked."

Sirius folded up the paper, relishing the opportunity to be a proper godfather. "So what have you been trying?"

"Now that I know my form, I've been trying to self-transfigure my fingers and hands first."

Sirius frowned. "And how's that working out for you?"

Harry shrugged. "One time my fingers got really blurry, but I was already dizzy and hit my head earlier, so that might have been nothing."

"Yeah," Sirius slowly drew out the word. "I think you're going about this all wrong."

"I assume you have a suggestion," Harry added. "Or else that was awful advice."

"I do," Sirius said. "You're still thinking of the exercises and steps necessary for normal animagi. Most people have to think about things like structural and physical differences that need to be treated with caution. That's why you're supposed to magically determine how to bridge the gaps between your two different outer shells."

"Outer shells?" Harry said doubtfully.

"Yes, outer shells," Sirius repeated. "You are Harry and only Harry. Harry was born a wizard, and has had the outer shell of a wizard for all of his life. He now also has the option of another outer shell."

"Did you actually study this stuff or just take some really good drugs you found in a desert?"

"Do we need to do a show of hands again to remind people which of us can do this?" Sirius retorted with a condescending look. "As I was saying, outer shells. This is important. You have to stop thinking of yourself as a wizard first. You are Harry first, and a wizard second. Just like I am Sirius first, and a wizard second. And occasionally, I'm Sirius first, and a bad dog second. Always thinking of your own identity first is how you exert control over your different shell's instincts." Sirius rubbed his chin in thought. "Not really sure what a ghost's instincts would be. Maybe being generally depressing and having a slightly superior attitude?"

"That's not how ghosts are," Harry argued, feeling oddly defensive.

"Anyways," Sirius continued. "For most people, it's the small amount of success they get from seeing their hand turn into a paw or whatever that opens their mind to the possibility. To really grasp the idea that you are as much a dog or a ghost as you are a wizard. And there's like a mental switch that is flipped. You know not only is it possible, but it's real and it's you. Once you hit that it just takes months and months of practice to fully transform your whole body."

"You think I'm going to need months and months of practice?"

"No," Sirius assured him. "I don't. I don't think you're going need hardly any practice at all. I think once you flip that switch, you'll transform instantly. I don't think there will be any gradual change from corporeal and alive to incorporeal and 'not exactly alive.' But I do think," Sirius grinned brightly. "I do think figuring out how to flip that switch and then control it is going to be a lot harder for you."

"Great," Harry sighed. "I'd kinda guessed that much on my own. My question is how?"

"Will it," Sirius firmly replied.

"Will it?"

"Yup," Sirius said. "There's no secret incantation, no special place inside you, no spirit animal or totem to guide you. You simply will it."

"That's what I've been trying to do for the past week," Harry insisted. "It's why I keep getting headaches and crapping bloody diamonds. I spend so much damn time just concentrating as hard as I can on willing it that my crap has turned into granite."

Sirius chuckled in commiseration. "I tried sniffing James and Peter's bums just to get in the right frame of doggie mind."

"Did that help?"

"Not so much, no."

Harry closed his eyes. "Thank you for telling me a pointless story that put the image of you sniffing Wormtail and my Dad's butts permanently into my head."

"You're very welcome," Sirius replied happily. "And you know, your body reacted instinctively once already. We could try and… force the issue again."

"You want to try to kill me."

"If it'll help," Sirius said flashing a grin.

"It won't," Harry grumbled. "Unless you actually were to put my life in genuine danger, I'd know it's a fake. And I'm not ready to risk dying just to try and control my form."

"Are you sure?"

Harry nodded. "Alive is still better than dead. And alive but grievously injured, I'd like to avoid for as long as possible."

"That's just it," Sirius said. "For your ghost side, alive shouldn't be better than dead."

"I'm not willing to get a death wish," Harry argued.

"Hey," Sirius pondered aloud. "What if, when you were a baby, you got killed and turned into a ghost-"

Harry closed his eyes. "Stop."

Sirius ignored the interruption. "But you had enough magic and transformed yourself back into a living baby-"

"Stop please."

"And so now you're more like a ghost, with a wizard alternate form. And have been unknowingly living in your secondary form for decades," Sirius added with a grin. "Like Wormtail did."

"Just stop."

"It makes so much sense," Sirius nodded, thinking back to what he knew of Harry. "I mean hundreds of mothers would have sacrificed themselves out of love for their own children. Why would Lily be able to-"

"Sirius!" Harry snapped. "Stop. I'm not dead. I'm alive. Boy-Who-Lived? Dumb name. But accurate."

"Hmm."

"Besides, I didn't die. The spell rebounded off me and hit him."

"Oh yeah," Sirius realized. "It couldn't have hit you normally. So what kind of shield did Lily-"

"A blood ritual of binding," Harry explained. "It was probably done when we first went into hiding. Because when Voldemort killed her, it sealed the binding on me. If anyone else had killed her, that's who the binding would have protected me from."

"A blood ritual?" Sirius repeated. "But she was your mother. You're already as blood connected as you can be."

"That part neither I nor Hermione could figure out," Harry admitted with a shrug. "But I'm not dead."

"Hmm, I'm thinking," Sirius mused. "Do me a favor, close your eyes."

Harry looked at him dubiously.

"Just trust me," Sirius begged in irritation.

"Alright," Harry agreed, squinting his eyes shut. "What am I doing?"

A giant deafening boom sounded just behind Harry's right ear.

Harry slapped a hand over his severely stressed ear. "What the hell?"

"Damn," Sirius said with frown.

"I can't hear you," Harry shouted back at Sirius while gently putting pressuring on his ear.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I said-"

Another massive explosion of sound erupted this time, right next to Sirius, sending the older man sprawling to the floor in the other direction.

"Not so funny now, is it?" Harry shouted at Sirius.

"I can't hear you!" Sirius exclaimed back, rubbing his ear, wondering if he should be worried at the small amount of blood trickling out his ear. "Truce?"

"What," Harry screamed back, rubbing his ear as well.

"What?" Sirius asked cleaning out his good ear.

"I can't hear you," Harry responded.

"What did you say?"

"I said I can't hear you!"

"What?"

"This is stupid."

Sirius frowned. "Don't call me kid. I was trying to help you."

Harry looked at Sirius in surprise. "Drying the elf puke?"

"Just stop trying to understand me. You have no idea what I'm saying."

"I give up," Harry said shrugging in resignation. "I'm done trying to understand you. I have no idea what you just said."

Sirius sighed, shaking his head at Harry. "I hate you."

Harry looked at Sirius curiously, wiggling his pinkie in his ear. "What kind of soup?"

"Cream of cock and balls," Sirius replied moving his lips excessively, mocking Harry's inability to hear clearly.

"Is that French? Coq aux bailles?"

Sirius looked at Harry doubtfully.

"I'm not a huge fan of creamy ones. But if you get a big chunk of meat in my mouth, I'll take a cream."

Sirius's eyes widened and jaw dropped at double meaning.

Harry slammed an invisible arm right into Sirius' throat, sending the man into a coughing fit. "You really think I wouldn't recognize the words 'cock and balls?' Have some faith in me, Sirius."

"Dammit," Sirius croaked out while rubbing his throat. A raspy tinged voice snapped, "That really hurts."

"Maybe you should've thought of that when you were deafening me," Harry retorted.

"I was trying to scare you," Sirius explained. "You know, maybe frighten you half to death?"

"You're an idiot."

"Yeah but if it had worked, I would've been a genius."

"I don't think I want to know the kind of world where you count as a genius."

"Laugh it up."

"That wouldn't be a world where up is down. That'd be a world where up is… jello."

"Look buddy. Last time you were thinking about becoming an animagi, you were fearful for your life, and possibly your life really was in danger. Scaring the bloody form out of you…" Sirius trailed off in thought. He snapped back to reality, "Jello on the ceilings is a damn good idea. I'm going to talk to Moony about making a charm or a wheeze."

Harry looked at his godfather in consternation. "Wow, Sirius, thanks for all the help. I'm really glad we had this talk."

Sirius either completely missed or ignored the sarcasm. "You're very welcome." Having accomplished his mission, he turned and walked right out of the room.

Harry leaned back in his chair and pulled out an animagi text that he'd read several times before. He glanced at the door briefly considering the idea of scaring the form out of him. He was on high alert expecting Sirius to attempt to frighten him again.

Harry re-read the passage and set the text down. He took a deep breath and made the decision to try again. He stood up in the middle of the room, and went through his exercises. He was blocking out as much outside noise as possible, focusing on how different it had felt to be a ghost. The stillness of everything, the enveloping silence, the foreign sensation of solid matter.

His brow was covered in sweat as he continued concentrating solely on the animagus transformation. He was so single-minded he didn't even hear her the first time.

"What're you doing?" Ginny repeated louder, sticking her head over Harry's right shoulder.

Harry's heart just about stopped at the sound of her voice. He spun around defensively and instinctively started to bullshit. "Listen, I can explain-" Harry's explanation came to a sudden halt when his arm swung around and connected solidly with a slap across Ginny's cheek.

Harry whimpered in surprise but looked down and saw he was still solid. He hadn't transformed, as he had feared. He then considered the fact that he just slapped a ghost and wondered the odds Ginny might not have noticed. "On second thought, now might not be the best time for explanations."

Ginny rubbed her cheek in glorious amazement. She crept forward faster than Harry could backpedal and stuck her hand straight through his heart. When her fingers met no resistance, Ginny frowned and pouted, "Aww… I thought we were finally permitted to touch each other."

"Oh thank Merlin." Harry whispered a quiet prayer. He looked down at his hands and reached out, horrified to discover he'd just poked Ginny in the tit.

Ginny gasped at the sensation. She looked at Harry's hand in awe.

"That's not right," Harry announced looking at his hand angrily. "You're a ghost. I shouldn't be able to-" Harry stopped in surprise as his hands met no resistance at all. He walked through Ginny's incorporeal body. He poked a finger through her shoulder and felt nothing. Immediately after pulling his finger back he poked again this time touching solid shoulder, eliciting a gasp from the young ghost.

"You know what this means?" Ginny sang merrily as she spun in a circle.

"I could guess."

"It means I still can't hold you, but you can hold me."

"I guessed wrong."

Ginny hopped up in front of him with her arms wide open. "Hold me, Harry."

Harry tucked his hands under his armpits. "No thanks."

"Harry," Ginny whined.

"Maybe some other time," Harry evasively offered.

"When," Ginny demanded.

"Never?"

Ginny didn't care for that suggestion and sought middle ground. "Umm… maybe some other time?"

Harry smiled. "That's just what I was thinking."

Ginny moved over to perch on the side of the chair nearest to Harry. "I'm here, you know. Just in case, you want to touch me. I'm cool with it."

"I'll keep that in mind," Harry said.

"So," Ginny conversationally began. "I don't suppose that bull-dyke man-hating bartender version of me got kissed by a dementor anytime recently?"

Harry looked at Ginny a little worriedly.

"Because I mean, if there's just a perfectly good spare Ginny Weasley body around, I've got dibs."

"No," Harry answered her earnestly. "No dementor kisses. I just saw her a couple nights back."

"Chin up, Harry," Ginny said trying to hold Harry's hand. She smiled softly. "There's still time."

Harry wondered if he was going to develop ghost-like characteristics such as dementia or wishing death on others. "Hey Ginny, what's it like being a ghost?"

"Harry, I'm soul-bonded to you," Ginny assured him. "I'm only a ghost for now. I'm waiting for you to get this madness out of your system before we spend the rest of eternity together."

"So a lot of lying to yourself and constantly avoiding the glaringly obvious issue," Harry replied. "Not bad. Not bad at all."

"There's a healthy amount of spying on naked people too," Ginny corrected.

"That's always fun," Harry agreed, liking the prospects of ghost-hood more and more.

"Why do you ask?" Ginny inquired. "And were you doing animagus exercises when I walked in?"

The color drained from Harry's face as he tried and failed to mask his emotions. "No," he squeaked.

"No?"

"What is this? The Spanish Inquisition?" Harry snapped as he got up and stomped away.

Ginny gasped joyously. "You know your form, don't you?" She saw the look on Harry's face. "You do! That's great. So what is it?"

"It's umm…" Harry stalled. "Umm…"

"What?" Ginny scoffed. "Oh come on. It's not like your form is a ghost."

Harry stumbled back and his body let out a poof of displaced air at her dishearteningly accurate guess. He looked down at his arms and hands and saw straight through the translucent light of his ghostly form all the way to the floor. He looked back up at Ginny and saw the female ghost had been shocked into a stupor.

Without another word, the ghostly form of Harry turned tail and ran out of the room and down the hall.

"Harry!" Ginny called out chasing after him, floating straight through the walls. She quickly caught back up to him. "Harry, wait!"

Harry could feel Ginny gaining on him and took a quick right, heading down the stairs.

Ginny just floated straight down, while Harry ran the long way down the curving staircase. He hit the bottom stair running and dove headfirst in a somersault, successfully avoiding Ginny. He glanced over his shoulder at her and ran headfirst into the book shelf.

Harry passed incorporeally through and continued running down the left side of the hall.

Ginny was floating behind him, at a less frantic pace.

Not finding what he was looking for, Harry crossed the hall and began running through the rooms on the other side.

Harry skidded to a stop when he found Sirius and Remus, working together. So far they had the ceiling half-coated with a gooey layer of lime green jello.

"Hey," Harry began pointing at the ceiling curiously.

"Hey," Sirius happily shouted back noticing Harry had transformed again.

"You two gotta do the reversal spell," Harry ordered quickly remembering why he'd been looking for them.

"Hello Harry," Remus mockingly greeted. "I'm fine. Thanks for asking. It's good to see you too."

"Listen, I don't have a lot of ti-" Harry cut off, yelping out a feminine shriek at the sight of Ginny floating through the wall. Harry ran straight through Remus and across the hall again.

Harry was sprinting through the rooms, staying one step ahead of Ginny the whole way. The next pass through the temporary jello room, Harry had enough time to yell, "The Spell!" He doubled-back seconds later. "Do it!"

"Alright, alright," Remus said aiming his wand at Harry. He paused and turned to Sirius, "What was the incantation, again?"

Harry turned and ran straight through Remus again, grumbling, "Oh you're hilarious."

Remus shuddered as Harry passed through him and into the next room. "No magical arms as a ghost?"

Sirius twitched having felt a chill rake through his brain. "They're ghostly too."

"He went that-a-way," Remus told Ginny's ghost while pointing over his shoulder.

"Do you know what…?" Ginny questioned.

"Ghost animagus," Sirius answered.

Ginny nodded as if she knew it all along. "I always wondered why I was taken from Harry at such a young age."

"You don't think the Killing Curse answered most of that question," Sirius inquired.

Ginny harrumphed. "It makes sense that it was necessary for me to learn and understand how we'd spend eternity together so that I would be able to help him master his form." Ginny smiled, clasping her hands together. "My Harry needs me."

"Did she-" Harry cut off with a yelp and disappeared right back in the wall he'd stuck his head through.

"Don't fight fate, Harry!" Ginny called out hurrying after him, floating out of the room. "She's kind of a bitch."

Sirius glanced over to see how Remus was doing.

"Ginny's going to molest him, isn't she?" Remus fearfully asked.

Sirius nodded. "Probably. But if anything can inspire Harry into figuring out how to transform back, it'll be Ginny and her bad touches."

"We'll get him next time he passes through here," Remus said. "But no slacking during your conjuring turn. Get back to jello blasting."

Harry was beginning to think he'd lost her finally. He glanced over his shoulder as he crept through the library wall.

"Hello love," Ginny greeted with wide open arms from just inside the library wall.

Harry whipped his hand around and tried to stop himself from crashing into Ginny. He tripped forward with a shriek, flailing his arms wildly.

Ginny reached out to grab onto Harry and grasped only air.

"Ahh!" Harry screamed, flapped his hands, and assumed a defensive position.

"Aww," Ginny pouted heartbroken.

Harry's frantic hand motions slowed down and he cracked open an eye. "Ahh?"

"Why can't we touch?" Ginny frowned. "I can touch other ghosts."

"Hey," Harry realized pushing his incorporeal arms through Ginny's incorporeal arms. "I can't touch you. Not even when I'm trying."

Ginny looked up to the heavens. "It's because I called you a bitch, isn't it?"

"Why can't I touch you?" Harry wondered.

"Maybe part of my helping you master your form will include figuring this out," Ginny mused.

"Huh?"

She turned to Harry. "It's not like you can instantly know exactly what it means to be a ghost."

Harry frowned. "There's more to it?"

"Of course, Harry," Ginny huffed exasperatedly. "That's why I had to die. So that I'd know all about being a ghost and could teach my soul mate."

"You think he'd mind if you help me too?" Harry asked.

Ginny shook her head. "You're such a kidder."

Harry started to feel a little guilty. "You're really going to help me even though I'm kind of a dick to you?"

"Of course," Ginny assured him. "This is undoubtedly another way for us to be together for eternity."

"Oh… joy," Harry forced out the words.

Ginny grinned brightly, forgetting her earlier disappointment. "We should start by getting you familiar with how it feels being a ghost."

Harry held up a hand to stop her. "Hang on. Let me go tell Sirius and Remus not to disturb us. We'll use the room I was practicing in."

Ginny floated along next to Harry while he walked through the walls until he reached the jello dripping room.

"Hey guys," Harry said attracting their attention. "I was-"

Sirius and Remus both called out the spell forcing Harry from his animagus transformed state. They were exhausting themselves but quickly they funneled enough magic to complete the change.

Harry popped back into his corporeal breathing form and stood there staring at them in shock.

Remus saw Ginny right behind Harry and knew they'd just been in time. It took a lot out of him, but it was worth it for the look on Harry's face. "You are welcome."

Harry's abject horror began to wear off and he found his voice. "You motherfuckers."

Ginny gasped happily. "Well, well, well. Look who can touch me again."

Sirius and Remus glanced at each other and didn't see all of the appreciation they expected from Harry.

"You complete, utter bastards."

"Perhaps now," Ginny whispered in Harry's ear, "we can talk about my payment for training you in the ways of the ghost."

Harry growled at Remus and Sirius. "You motherfuckers."

Sirius was catching on. "You changed your mind on that reversal spell thing, didn't you?"

"Figured that one out, did you?" Harry dangerously announced. "And before you ask, no, I have no clue when I'll be able to manage the transformation again."

Remus meekly defended. "You're the one who was begging for the spell."

"Can't you try and recreate whatever changed you this time?" Sirius asked.

Harry glanced at Ginny and shook his head. "I highly doubt it. The reason I feared transforming was what Roaming Hands Weasley here was going to do to me if I did. Now I know she can't touch me when I do. Not quite so scary."

Ginny was biting her cheek, deep in thought. "Have you tried triggering it with intercourse with a ghost?"

Sirius shrugged. "It's not a bad id-"

"It's a very bad idea!" Harry snapped out.

Remus snickered to himself.

"What?" Harry barked at him.

"Sorry," Remus apologized. "The whole ghost intercourse thing just reminded me of something."

Harry, Sirius, and Ginny were all staring at Remus unsure if they wanted to know what was on his mind.

Sirius couldn't contain his curiosity and asked, "What?"

Remus was still amused. "In your world, did you ever go as Sir Nicholas for Halloween?"

"Yeah," Sirius recalled. "I just covered the front of my pants in blood."

"Nearly headless?" Remus mocked in a high-pitched voice. "How can you be nearly headless?"

"Oh good god," Harry whispered in fright.

Sirius felt inordinately proud. "I made five Hufflepuffs cry."

"And two more had to get explanations from their prefects," Remus added.

Harry turned away from Sirius and Remus to leave the room. "It's going to be one of those days, I can tell."

Ginny floated dutifully along with him. "You know what might make you feel better, Harry?"

"What?"

"Getting to third base."

"No."

"Second base?"

"Stop."

"Did you write this?" Bellatrix exclaimed, rushing up to Remus with tears in her eyes.

"Write what?" Remus asked curiously, noticing she was clutching a letter close to her heart.

"What am I saying? Of course, you wrote this," Bellatrix continued, her mood changing from 'so happy she could cry' to 'self-deprecating' in the blink of an eye. "It's in your handwriting."

"It is?" Remus asked curiously.

Bellatrix's smile twisted into a frown. "Unless you've been writing love letters to some other woman named Bellatrix…"

"No!" Remus insisted, picking up on the warning signs that Bellatrix's mood was more volatile than usual.

"Some other man named Bellatrix?" Sirius asked, sticking his head in.

"No," Remus sputtered. "I haven't been writing anyone any love letters."

Bellatrix whimpered and was fighting back tears.

"Except that one," Remus said pointing towards the letter Bellatrix was guarding like precious treasure.

Bellatrix's sniffles twisted into a smile of pure bliss. "Oh Remus!" She lunged forward wrapping her arms around him. "This is the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me."

Remus rubbed gentle circles into her back trying to calm her down. "Well… I'm… I'm glad you liked it."

Sirius and Harry were looking at each other worriedly.

"The sweetest thing?" Harry mouthed at Sirius.

"I know!" Sirius mouthed back.

"That's just sad," Harry softly concluded.

"I'm…" Bellatrix was still crying happily. "I'm not the kind of girl who gets too many love letters and… I just…" She gripped the letter tighter. "I'll treasure this forever."

"That's," Remus paused looking at Sirius and Harry helplessly. "That's why I wrote it?"

Bellatrix finally pulled back to look at Remus. "I think I'm going to lay down for a nap. Come tuck me in?"

"I will," Remus assured her. "I just need to talk to these two for a minute."

Bellatrix nodded in understanding. "Don't be long."

Remus stuck a hand out cautiously. "Do you mind if I re-read my letter?"

Bellatrix glanced between the letter in her hand and Remus. "I want it back."

"I'll bring it up with me when I tuck you in," Remus promised her.

Bellatrix handed the letter to him confidently. "You're so sweet."

Remus made a non-committal sound while keeping a smile on his face.

The three men watched Bellatrix leave the room. Remus spun around angrily. "Alright. What did you do?"

"What makes you think we did anything?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "I'm not sure she even got the right letter."

Remus reluctantly unfolded the letter and saw a few verses of poetry had been scribbled in what appeared to be his handwriting.

"I never heard the final draft," Sirius pointed out. "So, speak up."

Remus pretended not to hear Sirius, but obliged with the request. He worriedly read from the parchment. "Bellatrix, oh Bellatrix, how I tire of your gay tricks."

"Snappy," Sirius critiqued.

"I doubt we could get rid o' ya," Remus continued in confusion, "with just a case of Chlamydia."

"Catchy," Sirius said a little too proud of his pun. "Oww," he swore grabbing his eye. "Why you gotta go there, Harry?"

Remus ignored them both and kept reading. "But I was thinkin' maybe ya, might trim down your labia."

Sirius snickered holding on to Harry for support.

"This is disgusting," Remus complained.

"Keep reading, keep reading," Sirius urged.

"Mud flaps belong on silly trucks," Remus read aloud shamefully. "Not on my sick and twisted little Billy-trucks."

Harry and Sirius were both laughing to see the way it pained Remus to say that name aloud.

"That's it. I'm done," Remus said, not wanting to read any further.

"No!" Sirius begged. "Come on! There's at least two more verses."

Remus sighed but gave in to temptation. He looked down at the start of the next verse. "It would take almost two Great Walls of China," He flipped over the first page and continued, "to actually plug your gaping va- Who wrote this?"

"My lips are sealed." Harry refused to answer.

Sirius wasn't quite so trustworthy. "I think that line was the work of your daughter."

"Tonks?" Remus asked in disbelief.

"No," Harry sarcastically replied. "The barely formed fetus in the ex-Death Eater's womb is a fan of limericks and contributed most of the second verse."

Remus just looked at Harry and Sirius, thinking he needed to have a long talk with Tonks.

"Remus!" Bellatrix yelled out in despair from the floor above. "Come fuck me!"

Harry and Sirius exchanged a surprised look while Remus failed to hide his blush.

"I mean tuck me in," Bellatrix loudly corrected, belatedly processing what she'd said.

Remus smiled weakly. "I should go."

"I didn't really mean tuck me in," Bellatrix earnestly admitted at the top of her lungs.

"Yeah, you should," Harry agreed. "But Moony? When you're, ahem, tucking her in, do me a favor and think of Sirius' arse."

Remus winced.

"Here ya go, big guy," Sirius happily followed Harry's lead, turning around and flashing a pale cheek at the other Marauder.

"Oh god," Remus said guarding his eyes in disgust. He scraped his tongue on the roof of his mouth trying to get the taste out. He flashed a winning smile. "Thanks."

Sirius watched Remus walk happily away and skip up the steps towards Bellatrix's room. He turned towards his godson. "Why did he thank me? Harry, why did he thank me?"

Harry opened his mouth and closed it helplessly. "Don't know. Don't care. It's just one of those days."

Sirius looked at Harry warily. "And just what happens on one of those days?"

"Usually?"

"Yeah."

"Too much."

"Too much happens?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah," Sirius repeated with a slow nod. "We still doing that thing this afternoon?"

Harry considered the question and shrugged indifferently. "Yeah."

Sirius could hear the tiredness in Harry's tone. "Are you getting all pensive and introspective on me?"

Harry realized he had been deep in thought. "Maybe."

"Did a vagina come with that attitude because you're acting like a girl."

"I've just been thinking about how things are different here because I wasn't in this world," Harry explained. "People who are happier, or for that matter alive, because they never knew me."

Sirius wasn't in the mood for a pity party. "Like say, Voldemort, for instance?"

"True enough," Harry admitted, catching the hint. "Let me just relax for a bit and then we'll go do the thing."

"You want to watch something on the muggical box?" Sirius suggested.

Harry lead the way up to their muggle entertainment room, grumbling. "You know saying it more often isn't going to make it a word. You just sound stupid, again."

"Words are for conformists, you vaptastic fantomiter," Sirius pouted.

Harry paused and glanced at Sirius. "Did you just now make that up?"

"You connest your baltfooling dushbunnets," Sirius replied with a knowing smile.

Harry turned away from Sirius and walked the rest of the way into the room. "Don't talk that way anymore. It makes me want to hurt you."

Sirius remembered how much his ability to make up real sounding nonsense words instinctively both scared and disturbed James as well. "Where's the TV remote?"

Harry pointed to the coffee table. "It's right in front of you."

"No," Sirius corrected. "That's the remote for the DVD."

"So watch a DVD."

"I still need the TV remote."

"Is it the skinny white one?"

"No, that's the receiver."

"What's the one in your hand?"

"This is for the cable box."

"Good lord," Harry grumbled turning towards the couch he was on. He sent out several invisible, magical arms and quickly searched through the cushions. He found some change, a pen, what looked like a finger, and a comb. He strengthened the arms and checked the cushions on the other couch. "Ah-ha!"

A remote came floating out from nestled down in the left side. "I am the king," Harry pronounced pushing the remote to Sirius.

Sirius sighed. "That's the laser disc remote."

"We have a laser disc?" Harry asked. "And what is a laser disc?"

"I have no idea. And I don't think we do, but our neighbors do," Sirius explained. "Last week I slipped on an invisibility cloak and borrowed that remote from the neighbors because I needed the batteries… for the TV remote."

"This is ridiculous," Harry snapped. He drew his wand and confidently cast, "Accio remote!"

The nearest remote jumped up towards Harry before popping loudly in a small burst of flames and sparks. All the other remotes followed shortly after zooming to Harry and then exploding, catching fire, or vibrating with smoke billowing out the top.

"Oops," Harry apologized forgetting that while his magical arms worked normally in the warded muggle room, magic did not.

Sirius looked down at the remains of the remotes from the cable box, the DVD, the neighbor's laser disc player, and the receiver. "Still no TV remote!"

They both looked up as Remus' pants came flying into the room stopping in front of Harry. The pants began to smoke, before they started shaking and erupted in flames.

Harry smiled weakly at Sirius. "Looks like Moony stole the TV remote and stuck it to his pocket for nefarious purposes."

Sirius glanced at all their melted and broken pieces of remotes and the smoldering remains of Remus' pants. He looked up at Harry, clearly not amused. "Guess you really showed him, huh?"

"I said 'oops,'" Harry defended. "Besides, we had too many remotes."

"I think we have too few now," Sirius commented.

"They sell these spiffy new super-smart remotes that can replace other remotes," Harry explained. "I remember seeing a mention of them on sale somewhere." Harry got up and walked over to the door. "I should have a muggle paper from last week still in my room."

"Hang on." Sirius stopped Harry from leaving. "I got today's right here."

"You've got today's?"

Sirius nodded. "Chicks dig a roguishly handsome man, especially one with the Financial Times tucked under his arm."

"That's…" Harry smiled as he took the newspaper from Sirius, "not a half bad idea."

Harry felt wetness on his hand and looked down to find the Financial Times was a slobbery mess.

Sirius grinned. "And on occasion, I'll get some hotties to play fetch with Padfoot, allowing me ample opportunity to sniff their crotches."

"Nice," Harry said with a forced smile. He wiped his hand off and slowly unfurled the newspaper. The large front page headline caught his eye.

Harry blinked and had to re-read it several times. "This can't be happening."

"What?" Sirius asked. "What is it?"

Harry turned the paper around displaying the front page. He read the headline aloud, "Piers Polkiss Cures Cancer."

Sirius frowned at Harry. "Isn't that a good thing?"

"I… guess," Harry answered helplessly.

Sirius scratched his head in confusion. "Do you know him?"

"Yeah," Harry unfortunately admitted.

"Ahh," Sirius said finally catching on. "This is because it's one of those days. And you were just talking about the differences in… oh dear. Was he one of the people you tried to save but couldn't?"

"No," Harry replied. "He's just a dick."

Sirius was not expecting that answer.

"And he's stupid."

"Stupid?" Sirius questioned. "It sounds like he's smart enough to cure cancer."

"There's no way," Harry argued. "Not the Piers Polkiss I knew."

"What's the article say?" Sirius suggested. "Maybe it's a different guy."

"I'm sure," Harry sarcastically retorted. "Because Piers Polkiss is such a common name."

"Could be."

Harry knew better than to grasp at that hope. He read the start of the front page. "Reverend Dr. Polkiss… what?"

"Huh?"

"Reverend Dr. Polkiss, last years' recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize-" Harry stopped and handed the paper to Sirius. "I can't do it. I don't want to read this."

Sirius took the paper and quickly scanned through the article. "Wow… this guy's a regular hero."

"He's no hero," Harry whined. "He's an evil, cruel person. He was the original mastermind behind the games of Harry-hunting and Tie-Harry-to-the-back-of-the-bus."

Sirius smirked. "Exactly how does one play Tie-Harry-to-the-back-of-the-bus?"

"It's kinda like Punch-Sirius-in-the-crotch if you were seven and a bleeder," Harry snapped.

Sirius winced and decided to avoid that road. "I guess without your aggravating presence in his life, he had a lot more free time."

Harry tried to ignore Sirius but couldn't contain his curiosity. He gave in and asked, "What did he win a Nobel Peace Prize for?"

"It says it in here somewhere." Sirius scanned backwards through the article looking for the passage. "Here it is! Blah, blah, blah… negotiated a truce between Israel and Palestine."

"No Harry," Harry grumbled. "And instead you get cancer cured and peace in the Middle East. That's real funny."

"I'd call it moderately funny," Sirius said wiggling his hand. "But you're not crying, so…"

Harry sighed. "I hate these days. And you just know it's going to get worse."

A burst of fire and wail of phoenix song announced Fawkes' arrival.

"When you say things like that," Sirius chided. "You deserve what you get."

"Meh," Harry grumbled know that on those days it didn't matter what he said. He looked up at Fawkes. "Who gets the bad news? Me or him?"

Fawkes hovered in place glancing between Sirius and Harry before he flew off and landed on Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius accepted the parchment from Fawkes' grasp and opened it up. "It doesn't look too long."

Harry closed his eyes. "Does he know?"

Sirius skimmed the first paragraph. "No."

"No?" Harry repeated in surprise.

"Yes."

"Yes?" Harry repeated in confusion.

"I don't know," Sirius summarized with a shake of his head. He slowly began to nod. "Yeah… he knows."

"Origins not extracurricular activities, right?"

"Right," Sirius agreed. "He's basically forcing us to confirm his belief."

Harry looked up curiously. "How's he managing that?"

Sirius straightened out the letter and leaned forward with a Dumbledore-like hunch. He rasped out the words like an old man. "I have puzzled over the familiarity I felt upon meeting the two of you. That was until last night when I came to an extremely unlikely and yet wholly possible conclusion."

"Ahh crap," Harry grumbled.

Sirius held up a hand to stop Harry and continued. "If this improbable theory of mine contains even a grain of truth, then putting it into a letter is a risk I shall not take. And so I ask you kindly to please humor this old man and come discuss my theory with me at your earliest convenience."

"Our earliest convenience?" Harry repeated. "I'm thinking it won't be convenient for a very long time."

"Oh really?" Sirius smugly asked. He continued to read the letter. "It would be remiss of me not to mention that so far I have not discussed my theory with anyone."

Harry sighed. "You can almost hear the noose tightening."

"If neither of you have any interest in discussing my theory, then I will seek other sounding boards. And I would hate to give my good friends the Potters an unlikely and uncertain hope when that hope and my theory could be easily confirmed or denied by either of you."

Harry laughed helplessly. "That cheeky fucking bastard."

"I know," Sirius agreed. "It's so… Dumbledore."

"He knows," Harry grumbled. "And he's trying to make it sound like he just guessed."

"You think someone told him?" Sirius asked. "We've seen Tonks and Moony both today and I doubt Gin risked her oath. Unspeakables maybe?"

Harry considered and admitted. "Maybe but we can't discount the possibility that he did guess it."

"How do you want to handle this?"

Harry informed, "I'll go talk to him tonight."

"Tonight?" Sirius asked. "Just you?"

"If you don't mind," Harry said. "I think I'd rather go by myself."

"You're not going to kill him, are you?"

Harry looked at Sirius silently.

"Because I'll get Tonks and we got your alibi covered."

"I'm not going to kill him," Harry exasperatedly replied. "But if we both go see him, we'll look like wayward students sent to the Headmaster's office. If I go alone, he'll see me as an equal."

"And he wouldn't see me as an equal?"

Harry shook his head. "There's a difference between defeating a dark wizard and defeating a Dark Lord. It's not really something…" Harry struggled to find the words.

"This is some of that crap you never want to talk about?"

Harry hadn't been sure Sirius had even noticed. "Yeah."

"And you're certain you haven't grown a vagina?"

"Yes, Sirius. I checked this morning."

"Okay," Sirius exclaimed looking around. "This place is creepier during the day than even the Shrieking Shack at night."

"The Shrieking Shack isn't scary," Harry argued. "You're part of the reason people think it's haunted."

"I'm not the one who starved eight children in the attic," Sirius argued. "They're the ones who scream on rainy nights."

"What?"

"Do you know nothing about the Shrieking Shack?"

"That's where Moony went to transform when he was a student," Harry replied. "His howls and screams during transformation are why people think it's haunted."

"People don't just think it's haunted," Sirius retorted. "It is haunted. By an entire Ravenclaw first year class. You know it was called the Shrieking Shack before I ever started at Hogwarts, right?"

Harry looked at his godfather curiously. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. Ask Albus tonight. He'll tell you." Sirius continued, "We tried to keep Moony company in there, but it was just too freaky with those screaming and whispering kids. That was why we started going out into the Forbidden Forest instead. It wasn't like we originally decided, 'Hey. Let's take the feral werewolf closer to the townspeople. Yeah, that's a good idea.' No," Sirius shook his head. "We just got freaked out by that place."

"Really?"

Sirius nodded. "But this place even has an even creepier name." He was looking around the dilapidated and unkempt grounds. "The Gaunt House. It sounds like the opposite of a children's playground."

Harry glanced at his godfather. "And what name would sound like a children's playground?"

" Happytastic Funtabalous Land," Sirius suggested. "What are we looking for anyway?"

"There's a family ring around here," Harry added.

"The Gaunt family ring?" Sirius asked. "I'm guessing it likes to bite fingers off."

"The Gaunts were just this lowest branch of the Slytherin line," Harry explained, ducking under a broken dust-covered support beam.

"Slytherin? You mean…?"

Harry nodded. "Merope Gaunt used love potions to get a booty call out of a muggle named Tom Riddle. Named the little hellspawn after her rape victim, I mean his father."

"Voldemort's a… junior?" Sirius smiled. "I bet calling him junior would tick him off."

Harry approached the loose floorboard in the back closet. "This is… ah crap."

"What?"

Harry jerked up and looked around. "I think I just broke a collapsing ward."

"What's a-"

"Collapsing wards do nothing but evaporate when any magical person or magic touches them. Even diagnostic spells to locate wards trigger them."

"Do they just feel like a slight breeze you barely notice that tingles everywhere?" Sirius inquired curiously.

"Yeah."

"Oh," Sirius answered. "Then I may have felt one when we approached the property."

"Crap," Harry said, running up to the broken dirty window.

"What is it?"

Harry stared off into the woods behind the house. "Someone or ones may be watching us."

Sirius looked into the darkness of the trees and saw nothing. "Want me to walk out there while you circle around the back?"

"No," Harry said shaking his head. "The ring's not here and I don't think that's Albus out there. Let's just get out of here." Harry grabbed Sirius' wrist and apparated them both away.

The man had been expecting the collapsing wards to fall soon but he was momentarily shocked to feel it happen during the late afternoon in broad daylight. He quickly ensured his cloak would mask his presence and silently appeared under the cover of darkness in the woods behind the Gaunt House.

He spotted the two Lord Blacks walking into the ruins of the old home in mild shock. Suddenly one of the mysteries he'd been puzzling over began to make sense. He was thinking furiously over all that he knew of them when he felt another collapsing ward fall.

The man thought the Blacks located that way too quickly and before he knew it, Harry was right at the window staring at him. The man didn't dare move as he saw Sirius walk up behind Harry, discussing something.

He finally exhaled when he both saw and heard the two Lords apparate away, right from inside the ruins of the Gaunt house.

The man heavily cloaked in black triggered a portkey on his wrist reappearing in a well furnished and protected home. He moved over towards his fireplace and tapped his wand three times on a highly magical stone.

He prepared himself a snifter of brandy and sat back in the chair where he did much of his deep thinking.

Two minutes later the fireplace flared and the man accepted the incoming call. Alan Weston's head appeared in the fireplace.

"You're thinking," Alan stated noticing the man known to many as 'That Fucker' was resting comfortably in a chair.

The man nodded. "I know who the Death Eater Bandits are and I know how the animagus got past my ward."

Alan blinked, admittedly impressed. "Who? How?"

The man looked over at Alan and replied, "It's because you're keyed into your wards."

"Me?"

The man in black nodded and took another sip of brandy.

"I don't follow."

The man took a deep relaxing breath and explained, "Any question of whether the Lord Blacks are really the Lords of the Black line has been answered."

"Wait," Alan paused. "You mean…"

The man nodded.

"So since I'm one of their vassals, if I'm allowed, then by extension they are allowed?"

"Something like that," he agreed with a grin.

"How many people's bitch am I?" Alan asked before jerking up in surprise. "I just realized another god damn Sirius Black isn't letting me have warm sheets. That's just fucking perfect."

The man in the chair sighed. "You're never going to let this go, are you?"

"It was a really nice dryer!"