Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: Look at that! I got an update in less than two months after the last. Okay, that's not really worth cheering about. But if you want something that is worth cheering about, try this: the hysterectomy went off wonderfully and with the uterus went all of my Mom's cancer. There was a post-op wrinkle with some diabetic gastroparesis, but that's under control now too. Food is being digested, the uncontrollable puking has stopped, all good things. She's doing well, fully capable of taking care of herself. Well, close enough to fully. I still have to help her change light bulbs, take her trash to the dump, and generally lift heavy objects or reach things on the top shelf. But she'll be back in her classroom and teaching again in just over a week.

This also means I really will have most of my free time once again. Hopefully this chapter marks the beginning of regular updates once more. I'm not prepared to promise an update (as I hate when those promises aren't kept), but it's not unreasonable to look for the next chapter in a week or two. Hopefully. All reviews are read and appreciated. Any questions you have, I will try to answer (unless you just want the ending spoiled, no luck there). Big thanks to the folks who help me iron out the rough stuff: IP, Jim, Chuck, Rob, and everyone else. And thanks to everyone for their patience these last few months. Now let's see if we can't finish up this fic in the next few weeks.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Harry and Jimmy walked down the path from Hogwarts silently. Harry wasn't saying anything, and Jimmy was trying his best not to jump in front of Harry and shake the answers out of him.

"Hey Harry?"

"Not now."

Jimmy nodded in understanding and kept quiet for about five seconds. "Can I ask when?"

Harry glanced over and answered, "When we're drunk."

Jimmy frowned. "I'm not sure I-"

"When we're drunk," Harry repeated forcefully.

"Okay," Jimmy agreed. He held his tongue for almost ten seconds this time. "Are you going to obliviate me?"

Harry winced. "The odds of your memory staying intact are better if we're drunk."

"Works for me," Jimmy happily jumped onboard with the drinking plan.

"And if I'm drunk," Harry helpfully added, "the odds are also higher that a memory charm won't stick for long."

"Sounds good," Jimmy agreed, keeping up with Harry's brisk pace.

Harry admitted, "I suppose the same could be said of the odds that I'll memory charm a little too much. Like a year or three."

"That's not so good."

Harry shrugged with a smile as they reached the main street in Hogsmeade. They both slowed down when they spotted Sirius chatting up a couple of ladies in the middle of the village.

"Is that…?"

"Yeah," Harry slowly answered.

As they got closer they saw Sirius was pushing a mentally challenged-looking man with thick bulbous goggles and a red plastic helmet around in a wheelchair.

Harry glanced at Jimmy worriedly. "Sirius is so going to hell."

Jimmy opened his mouth and then closed it. He feebly argued, "There could be a completely rational explanation for that."

Their conversation was interrupted by a sudden exclamation from the helmeted blonde in the wheelchair. "I was born Lucius Malfoy, Junior!"

"Okay," Jimmy conceded. "You're right. Hell it is. But probably a funny hell."

"Lord Black," Harry loudly greeted as he and Jimmy walked up.

"Lord Black," Sirius cheerfully replied.

"Hell-low!" the special needs man shouted.

"Hello," Sirius and the two ladies with him happily echoed back.

"I was born Lucius Malfoy, Junior!"

"Okay," Harry agreed before turning to address his widely smiling godfather. "Sirius?"

Sirius made an exaggerated show of looking at his watch. "You know what? It's probably time I got Squibby back to his secret room at St. Mungo's. You ready to go home, Squibby?"

"Hell-low!" the man bellowed affirmatively.

"It's been a pleasure meeting you Nancy, Sophie," Sirius bid goodbye with a nod. "Say goodbye, Squibby."

"Hell-low!" he said.

"Goodbye, you cutie," the two women said bending down to squeeze the wheelchair bound man's cheek. "Such a heartbreaker you are."

"I was born Lucius Malfoy, Junior!" he shouted as Sirius wheeled him away.

Harry and Jimmy followed behind Sirius, both slightly shocked and impressed by the depth of Sirius' depravity.

They passed by a young girl, running around frantically and sniffling. "Sugarplum? Sugarplum, where are you?"

Once they were around a corner and out of sight, Harry finally asked the question. "Okay, first, wow. And second, what?"

"I told you I'd wait for you in Hogsmeade," Sirius said.

Harry shook his head. "No. You didn't."

"Oh," Sirius frowned pulling the helmet and goggles off the blonde man's head. "I suppose that explains why you were taking so long." Sirius hunched down in front of the patiently sitting man. He spread two fingers and closed his eyelids, releasing a dark control spell. He looked up towards Harry and admitted. "I got a little bored waiting."

Harry and Jimmy merely observed curiously as Sirius reversed the transfiguration on the quietly idle blonde man in the wheelchair, turning him into an adorable golden retriever puppy.

Sirius set the puppy on the ground before shrinking and pocketing the helmet, goggles, and wheelchair. Sirius picked up the puppy and looked it right in the eye. "You did real good."

The puppy responded with several happy licks of Sirius' face.

Harry and Jimmy followed Sirius as he walked back out from the alley.

Sirius lifted the puppy high in the air. "Anybody lose a puppy? Anyone?" Sirius spotted the crying girl down the street, but avoided making eye contact as he yelled louder. "Anyone lose a puppy?"

Harry and Jimmy saw the girl's face explode in joy. "Sugarplum!" she shouted running towards Sirius.

"Does this adorable little furball belong to you?" Sirius said squatting down and holding out the puppy.

"Oh Sugarplum," She yelled grabbing and hugging her doggie around the neck. "Where did you run off to?"

Harry saw Jimmy was as tempted to anwswer as he was.

"And how did you get off your leash? I double-knotted it," the girl questioned her doggie.

Jimmy had to look away and cover his mouth.

"You know," Sirius suggested. "Some puppies behave better and return when called if you don't keep them on a leash at all."

"Woof!" The puppy happily agreed.

The girl turned to Sirius in surprise having forgotten he was there. She lunged forward and hugged Sirius. "Thank you for saving Sugarplum. You're my hero." She let go of Sirius and ran the other way, holding her puppy tight.

Harry and Jimmy stood there quietly as Sirius looked inordinately pleased with himself. "It feels good to be a hero."

Jimmy snorted while Harry turned towards the Hog's Head and grumbled. "Let's get this boy liquored up."

Sirius flashed a thumbs up and hurried to lead the way. "You know Squibby McNosonofmine was the first born of Narcissa, a Black. That makes you Squibby's Lord too."

"Nice subtle name," Harry replied before whispering to Jimmy. Jimmy nodded and said, "So my brother tells me your wand whistles."

Sirius stopped and spun around. "It does not whistle!"

Jimmy glanced at Harry who just mouthed, 'Wait for it.'

Sirius looked at Harry in confusion. "What did you tell…"

Harry saw Sirius had paused. Harry repeated quietly, "Wait for it."

"Hang on a second," Sirius yelped in realization. "Did you say… did you say… wand?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "He's drunk already because a sober Sirius isn't this quick."

"Oi!" Sirius exclaimed before pausing. "I wouldn't be so drunk if you hadn't made me wait so long."

Harry glanced significantly at Sirius before turning back towards the pub at the end of the alley.

"Of course I was sober when I made the decision to wait, so never mind. Brother, huh?" Sirius asked with a grin falling in step next to Jimmy. "Did Harry give in and tell you or did he just mess up and say the wrong thing?"

"I don't mess up," Harry retorted without even turning to face them. "He had the map."

"The Marauder's Map?" Sirius excitedly asked. "I can't believe your old man let you have such an 'evil and dangerous' tool."

"Remus gave it to me," Jimmy answered before narrowing his eyes at Sirius. "How do you know about it?"

"Know about it?" Sirius repeated indignantly. "It's in my handwriting."

Jimmy stopped in sudden realization. He hurried to catch up to the Lord Blacks. "Wait, you're Padfoot? That Sirius Black?" Jimmy jumped in surprise exclaiming loudly, "You're the one who kidnapped my brother!"

Harry spun around and cast a silencing charm on Jimmy. "Okay. You're done talking until we're behind a privacy ward."

Sirius grinned at Jimmy. "And you're way off base."

Harry cast another silencing charm, this time on Sirius. "If I have to stun either of you, it's going to mean a midget detention."

Jimmy shook his head despite having no clue what that meant, only that it sounded unnatural and appeared to have genuinely frightened Sirius.

The two silenced wizards followed Harry into the bar making faces at his back the whole way.

"Hey Gin," Harry asked grabbing her attention. "You got a private room we could borrow for a bit?"

Gin Weasley quickly closed the latest issue of Witches Weekly that she had hidden inside a supply catalog. "Umm…"

Harry saw her blushing and smirked. "What were you reading?"

Gin was not about to admit that she was checking out topless photos of Sirius and Harry from when they were getting healed in front of the Wizengamot. "No private room, but you can go in back and throw up a couple wards."

"Thanks Gin," Harry said and turned towards Sirius and Jimmy. Sirius was watching Jimmy stare dreamily at the woman behind the bar.

Gin flashed a warm smile at the youngest Potter. "Hello James."

Jimmy tried to greet her back but only looked silly mouthing words underneath a silencing charm.

Harry glanced at Jimmy and translated. "He said 'Hi Gin. Your breasts look like a pair of pregnant house elves in that halter top.'"

Jimmy shook his head vigorously and gesturing his innocence.

Harry made a face of confusion at Jimmy. "She Fawkes like a porn star? What the hell does the Headmaster's phoenix have to do with anything?"

Gin groaned as she jerked her thumb towards the back room. "Go in the back. Maybe try and find a sense of humor while you're back there."

Jimmy took a step forward trying to silently apologize to Gin but slipped on a conveniently placed patch of ice. He flipped forward over a stool and slammed his face on the bar with a fleshy splat. Jimmy's mouth was open in a silent scream. An unmistakable whoomph soundaccompanied Jimmy's legs and bottom half lifting off the ground as the charm on the bar top triggered.

Gin winced and thought she saw tears forming in Jimmy's eyes. Sirius who had by then countered his silencing charm, helpfully voiced, "That looked like it hurt."

Harry nodded in certain agreement. "Can we get a bag of ice and a bottle of firewhiskey?"

Gin handed them over towards Harry while Sirius helped Jimmy waddle towards the back.

Sirius canceled the silencing charm on Jimmy and put up some sturdy privacy wards. Harry entered the protected area and saw Jimmy looking at him with a weak smile. "Tonks warned me I should wear a cup around you guys."

"Catch," Harry instructed pretending to chuck the bag of ice towards Jimmy. In truth an invisible hand was carrying it and deftly dodged around Jimmy's attempt to catch the ice. It tapped Jimmy on the nose and hovered just in front of his face.

Jimmy snatched the floating bag of ice and put it on his cheek. "You're mean."

"He is," Sirius agreed, carrying back the three cleanest glasses he could locate. "Very mean."

Jimmy moved the ice from his cheek to his crotch and let out a sigh of relief. "You think maybe Gin didn't notice me hitting my face and getting nutted?"

Harry shook his head sadly. "Kind of doubt it."

"She probably noticed your tears too," Sirius added.

Jimmy indignantly explained, "It was just the fumes in my eyes. I wasn't crying."

"Fumes," Sirius repeated in admiration. "That's a good one."

"I know," Jimmy agreed. "When I was a kid I used the old 'bug-in-the-eye' excuse but no one ever believes that one."

Sirius grumbled at the victorious grin on Harry's face. "Shut it."

Jimmy accepted the floating half-filled glass of firewhiskey and took a sip. He swallowed painfully but managed to keep himself from coughing.

"Extra obliviate juice in yours," Harry said with a wink.

Jimmy looked in his glass and challengingly smirked at Harry. He tipped the glass back and finished off the rest of it in one gulp.

Sirius and Harry saw Jimmy pale for a split second as he dropped the bag of ice. He coughed violently once and his head was surrounded by a fireball. A cloud of smoke dissipated revealing Jimmy's reddened face. The top of his head was smoldering as dark vapors trickled out his nose, ears, and mouth.

The two Lord Blacks shared a look of immense amusement.

"He's such a Potter," Sirius happily exclaimed as Jimmy was patting his hair, stamping out any fire.

"Whoa," Jimmy said as he took a step. "I feel dizzy."

"That can happen," Sirius agreed with a chuckle.

Harry's magical arms grabbed a chair and maneuvered it right behind Jimmy. "Have a seat."

Jimmy nodded gratefully and glanced at the chair behind him. He turned back to Harry and pointed. "You're not gonna move it on me, are you?"

Harry held his hands up, promising not to.

Jimmy bent his knees and sat back in the chair just as it was yanked out from under him. He fell on his bum hard enough to rattle the nearby shelves. "Oh come on," Jimmy complained wondering how he'd managed to get beat up and drunk in a span of minutes.

Sirius cheerfully displayed his wand. "He didn't move it."

"Should have guessed," Jimmy grumbled pulling the chair closer and gripping it tightly as he sat down. "I thought I heard a whistle."

"Hey," Sirius whined, showing his first wand. "This isn't the wand that whistles. This is my old one."

Harry turned to Sirius, holding back his laughter.

"I mean my wand doesn't whi-" Sirius snapped. "Oh, screw you both."

"Hey," Jimmy happily realized. "That'd be incest," he exclaimed waving his hand between Harry and himself.

"Not exactly," Harry corrected.

"But it would be gross," Sirius added.

"What do you mean?" Jimmy asked curiously.

Sirius answered without hesitation. "I know sword-fighting may look manly and all-"

"Not you," Jimmy interrupted. "Harry, what do you mean?"

Harry was slightly curious about what Sirius was going to say but answered, "Your older brother, Harry, died a long time ago. I'm Harry Potter, just a different one."

Jimmy scratched his head in confusion. "Like a cousin?"

Sirius took a drink of his firewhiskey and sighed. "This could take a while."

Gin glanced at her watch and realized it'd been a couple of hours since the three Potters and Blacks took over her store room. "Hey Moe?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm gonna step in the back. Give a shout if anyone comes in, would you?" She heard a grunt of assent from Moe as she stealthily crept down the back hall. The eerie quiet pointed towards silencing charm and she was hoping to avoid interrupting a touching family moment.

She crossed through an outer edge of wards and heard voices snickering and laughing between whispers.

"Shh! Come on, come on. Hurry up, she's coming."

Another snort of amusement was released before a different voice. "I'm almost done."

Gin whipped her head around the corner with a stern frown on her face. Her eyes widened at the sight.

Sirius was capping a magical marker and spun around smiling innocently. The illusion of innocence was broken as he moved out of the way revealing an unconscious seventh year Hogwarts student. Jimmy's head was tilted to the side while a long string of drool connected the corner of his open mouth to his shoulder. He had been stripped down to his boxers and written across his chest was a message: I slept with Gin Weasley and all I got was one lousy memory charm (and a little itching no one can explain).

"Please tell me that's not permanent," Gin said with a tiny sigh.

"That's not permanent," Harry and Sirius happily replied in unison.

She rolled her eyes. "You could make an effort to lie to me, you know."

"You look really pretty in that top," Harry effortlessly lied. "Not even a little skanky."

"Real nice," she grumbled.

"You've lost weight, haven't you?" Sirius added with a waggle of his finger.

"Watch it," Gin warned with a harsh poke of Sirius' shoulder. She grabbed the permanent marker from his hand. A twist of her wand and the drooling prone form of Jimmy Potter floated up and turned around, slumped over his belly on the chair. A slow drip of drool stretched to the floor while he continued to snore.

Gin tugged the waistband of his boxers down and signed her name right across his pale exposed butt cheek. She pulled his drawers back up and smiled at the Lord Blacks. "Adding a touch of authenticity."

Sirius smirked at her. "You just like making the seventh years blush."

"Such is the lonely life of a young gorgeous bartender next to a school full of hormonal teenagers," Gin forlornly explained. She started to walk back to the front of the Hog's Head and added, "If you get him inside the Hogwarts grounds, you can call for Sully. He's a house elf who takes students back to their beds safely and quietly."

Harry picked up Jimmy with a pair of invisible arms while Sirius brought down the rest of wards. The mostly naked slumbering form of the Hogwarts Head Boy missed out on the applause his exit of shame earned him while Harry and Sirius waved good night to Gin.

They paraded Jimmy down the street towards the path to Hogwarts. As soon as they crossed the primary wards, Sirius beckoned, "Sully!"

The house-elf appeared wearing two patchwork oven mitts that had been stitched into a pair of overalls. He used a dirty rag to wipe his forehead before stuffing it in his back pocket. "You called Sully?"

Sirius pointed at Jimmy. "We have-"

"Mm-hmm," Sully interrupted and agreed.

"Gin said-"

"Mm-hmm," Sully reiterated.

"He needs-"

"Mm-hmm, he sure does," Sully agreed.

"Actually," Harry jumped in. "I-"

"Really?" Sully asked looking at Harry curiously.

Harry blinked and began to wonder if this house elf was using Legilimency. "I was going to say-"

"Mm-hmm," Sully replied affirmatively.

"What?" Sirius asked.

"I was just," Harry stopped and non-verbally told Sully to shut up. "I was just thinking that instead of Sully taking Jimmy back up there, perhaps he should ask McGonagall to come down here."

"That's plain mean," Sirius retorted with a smile. "Do it, Sully."

"Mm-hmm," Sully agreed, snapping his fingers and disappearing with a loud pop.

Harry gently dropped Jimmy on his back with his arms and legs spread out. "Come on," Harry said with a jerk of his head. "Let's get back under our own wards and I'll tell you those things I wouldn't before."

Sirius crossed the edge of the Hogwarts' wards before Harry and apparated back to Grimmauld Place. He headed straight for the kitchen as Harry apparated in behind him. "I want some fruity pebbles and you said you'd tell me what you wish you hadn't told Albus."

Harry followed Sirius into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. "It's not that I wish I hadn't told him. I wanted to know if he knew about something and he didn't, which meant I inadvertently gave him a pretty big clue. So now he's got some research to do before asking me semi-uncomfortable but inevitable questions."

Sirius took a spoonful of his late night cereal, chewed loudly, and swallowed. "Are you going to keep talking in vague generalizations or are you going to actually explain this thing you've been hiding?" Sirius took another bite of pebbles.

"Sorry," Harry replied. "Force of habit."

"Crappy habit. Understandable, but crappy."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "Thing is, I asked Dumbledore if he'd heard about horcruxes."

Sirius swallowed the food in his mouth and furrowed his brow. "Those things you, Ron, and Hermione hunted?"

Harry nodded. "How much do you know about horcruxes?"

"Dark evil magic thing, right? Something you had to do before you could face Voldemort. Soul magic, maybe?"

"Close enough. The gist of it is that there's this little bonus ritual thing you can do when you commit a real proper cold-blooded murder. Killing of that kind damages your soul and you can take that split chunk of soul and stick it into an object."

"I'm remembering now," Sirius recalled. "You said something about how as long as one of his objects exists, then he can't be completely killed, only his body destroyed."

"Exactly," Harry agreed and attempted to subtly segue. "Now remember how I said those founders' items were pieces of a larger puzzle?"

"Sure," Sirius answered. "You said… oh god, Harry."

"Yeah?"

"You mean to tell me…"

"Yup."

"The larger puzzle is Voldemort's soul?" Sirius said incredulously. "You're kidding, right?"

"Maybe a little," Harry carefully answered.

"How much?"

"None at all."

Sirius frowned. "How did I not see this?"

"Truthfully?"

"Yes."

"You're not that smart."

"I'm not an idiot," Sirius complained.

"I know. You're a smart guy," Harry happily offered.

"Thank you."

"Just not that smart."

Sirius knew he should have seen that one coming. He thought back to the locket they found and the traps around the Grindelwald zombie. "But you said the pieces together would be more valuable…"

Harry defended, "I think to the right buyer they'd be extremely valuable. Priceless, almost."

"We can't fence the Dark Lord's soul. There's bound to be a rule about that somewhere."

"Has anyone ever tried? I mean just because no one's managed it yet," Harry answered a little too quickly.

"Hang on."

"What? Okay. Yeah. I'm hanging on," Harry resisted the urge to whistle. "And I'm acting perfectly normal too."

"Hang on."

Harry mimed zipping his mouth shut and stood there avoiding Sirius' eyes.

Sirius was trying to pick up on the cause for Harry's continued distress. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Alright," Harry agreed knocking back the rest of his water and wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "Voldemort made six horcruxes because of arithmantic properties of seven. Six separate objects plus him makes seven. We've got Slytherin's locket and Ravenclaw's cube already. The diary I expect is buried in the blood-warded safe at Malfoy Manor, and Hufflepuff's cup is in a cursed tomb in the desert. The Slytherin ring was not where it was supposed to be and we tripped some wards there, if you'll remember."

Sirius nodded and saw Harry was waiting on him. "I count five. What's the sixth?"

"The sixth?" Harry admitted with a sigh. "The sixth in our old world was his familiar, an especially large snake named Nagini."

"It's not Nagini here?"

Harry shook his head. "According to Bella he's never had a familiar, but I think the basilisk from the chamber now lives in the woods behind the Riddle house."

"Comforting thought. So is it the basilisk or do we have no idea what the sixth horcrux is?"

"It's not the basilisk," Harry replied calmly. "I know exactly what the sixth horcrux is but I don't know where to look for it."

"What is it?"

Harry frowned. "You remember that hidden cursed patch of ground and tree at Godric's Hollow where nothing appears to ever grow again?"

"I knew it!" Sirius slammed his hand down happily. "I knew I died a special hero. So he made a horcrux when he killed me?"

"Ah… no," Harry answered with a shake of his head. "You fought back and through some incredible stroke of luck might have even been a threat to him. That's probably not a clean enough murder. And it's nowhere near as cold-blooded as slicing open a defenseless baby."

"He killed you to make the horcrux?" Sirius whined. "Man you get everything."

"Yeah, he killed me," Harry admitted. "But he killed me to turn your skull into a horcrux."

"My skull?" Sirius repeated as if testing out the words. "My skull is a horcrux?"

"Pretty sure, yup."

"I can just imagine him—eurgh," Sirius shuddered. "I feel dirty. Like I can feel him inside me all writhing around…"

"My thoughts exactly. The fact that your skull is horcruxiotic is a lot like Voldemort's having sex with you."

Sirius mentally reviewed his earlier choice of words. "Shut up."

"Are you picturing it too?"

"Stop it," Sirius ordered while banishing all mental images from his mind. He looked at Harry earnestly. "You know this isn't as bad as I first thought."

"The sex with-"

"Not that," Sirius interrupted. "Gathering these horcruxes. I mean as founders' objects they're worth a hefty coin, but knowing what they also are…" Sirius shrugged. "Money, power, fame, we can turn these into just about anything we want."

Harry was considering what Sirius said. "If word were to get out we could use Voldemort to drive the price up."

"We're not selling them to him," Sirius scoffed before uncertainly adding, "Are we?"

Harry shook his head. "You know that and I know that. But our prospective buyers don't need to know that."

Sirius smiled brightly in agreement catching onto the potential of the situation. "You really want to hold the Ministry hostage and name our own price?"

"Not really," Harry said with a smile in return. "But it's definitely something to think about."

Sirius eyes widened as he realized they had a guaranteed 'get out of jail free' card as well as a legitimate defense for their 'necessary' thieving in the unlikely event of their capture. He knew this was one set he definitely wanted completed. "You ready to tackle the Malfoys or are we going to the desert?"

Harry saw Sirius wasn't even fazed and had already gotten back to business. "We still don't know where the skull is or where the ring went. So desert first and then Malfoys. Teleporting fire scorpions are much easier to deal with than a dark wizard with an overdeveloped sense of self-worth."

"Tele-what what?"

"Teleporting fire scorpions. There's lots of fun stuff around the tomb." He paused to scratch his chin. "Then again, the Fidelius hidden bunker was a bit different in this world."

Sirius finished off the last bite of his now soggy cereal. He levitated the bowl to the sink where it began to magically clean itself. He saw Harry looked relaxed. "Were you keeping all that from me because you thought I'd be upset to hear my skull is a horcrux?"

Harry shrugged wondering why he'd been so hesitant.

Sirius pushed off the edge of the counter and walked out of the kitchen. "Merlin, you're such a woman sometimes."

Jimmy let out a whimper of pain as his older sister scrubbed his chest.

"Stay still," Sarah ordered, dipping the scouring brush in the magical solution.

"You're practically grating away my skin, like a hunk of cheese," Jimmy whined. "So excuse me if I'm a little twitchy."

"Merlin, you're such a woman sometimes," Sarah muttered under her breath. "Maybe next time you'll remember not to let pretty girls write on you with permanent magical markers."

"I didn't let anyone-" Jimmy hissed in pain as his sister attacked the last line across his abdomen. "And Gin didn't write this. It was Harry and Sirius having a laugh with me."

"And that makes it better?"

"Well I wouldn't want Gin to take advantage of me while I'm unconscious." Jimmy explained. "She should do it when I'm awake. And I have a camera."

Sarah shook her head thinking both she and Jimmy inherited their perverted side from their mother. "So you'd prefer to think that two unmarried men, who live together, got you drunk and then after you passed out did something that required you to be naked." Sarah paused in her scrubbing. "Okay now I'm jealous."

Jimmy was touching his tender skin and wincing at the rawness. He looked up at the Sarah worriedly. "Have you got the hots for Harry?"

"Aww," Sarah cooed. "Is my little brother scared I'm going to steal his new boyfriend?"

"No," Jimmy snorted and sat up on the couch. "I just uh… I just…"

"Relax," Sarah assured him, dabbing a layer of healing potion over Jimmy's raw chest. "I won't let him write anything embarrassing on me in permanent magical marker."

"Oh good," Jimmy replied. "Because that's exactly what I was worried about. Are we done here?"

Sarah gave his front one last cursory evaluation. "Yeah, that should do it. If it still looks bad in a couple weeks, we can scrape again."

"Thank you," Jimmy said turning around to grab his shirt.

"Hang on," Sarah interjected. "I thought it was only on your front."

"It's not?" Jimmy asked curiously, trying to peer over his shoulder.

Sarah mentally distanced herself and focused on thinking as a healer, not a sister. She carefully tugged at the waistband of her brother's boxers and peeked down. "You say this was done by the Lord Blacks?"

"Yeah," Jimmy answered trying to catch sight of his exposed bum. "Why?"

Sarah summoned a mirror and angled it for her brother. "Because that looks like a woman's handwriting."

Jimmy paled. "Those bastards!"

Sarah lifted up her Chimaera hair brush and shook it. "Shall we take care of this one now too?"

Jimmy frowned deep in thought before reaching a conclusion. "No, I think I'll keep this one for a little while."

Sarah dropped the brush back in the solution and corked the top. "That's just creepy."

"Is that your professional opinion?" Jimmy asked holding up the mirror, checking out his signed cheek.

"Quit staring," Sarah snapped putting away her diagnostic tools. "No potion can fix your pale chicken butt."

"You think if I got a red magical marker and drew a heart around her name…?"

"Even creepier."

"Yeah," Jimmy admitted sadly. "I thought so."

"Mum's coming," Sarah warned as she felt a twinge from the perimeter charm around her private quarters. "Hi Mum."

"Have you seen your brothe-" Lily stopped when she saw her youngest hiding a mirror behind his back. "Jimmy, what are you doing?"

"Why does everyone assume I'm doing something?"

Lily was watching her son slip his shirt back on, looking for other warning signs. "Have your memories returned to you yet?"

"I wasn't obliviated," Jimmy pleaded. "I just… thought I was drinking really bad water and must have had too much. That's all."

"Really bad water, eh?" Sarah asked doubtfully.

"I worry about you," Lily explained. "And I talked to the Headmaster and he's worried too. So we're just going to check you for memory charms."

Jimmy nodded in acceptance as he tugged his shirt away from his body. Every time the cloth just gently touched his raw skin it hurt.

"Come in Headmaster," Sarah called out after the perimeter charm alerted her.

Albus pushed the door open and smiled at the three Potters. "You know when I welcome people from the other side of the door, it's much more impressive."

Jimmy answered without thinking. "That's probably more of a statement on the people at your door."

"James, Jr.!" Lily exclaimed scandalized.

"Indeed," Albus said, his beard twitching in amusement. He tilted his head down to look at the youngest Potter over the top of his glasses. "Do you know why I wish to scan you for memory charms?"

Jimmy nodded and let his irritation shine through. "Because I made a crack about playing the obliviation game. Yes, I remember the discussion and yes, I was just joking. Honestly, there aren't any gaps in my memory. Unless you count the one after the firewhisss… I mean the bad water."

"Nice catch," Sarah jeered.

"Hey Headmaster," Jimmy said while looking at his sister. "Don't you think Sarah and Harry would make a cute couple?"

Lily looked a bit upset at the idea while Albus' face reflected many conflicting emotions. Albus carefully avoided the question and replied, "Why don't we get started on checking your mind?"

Jimmy sat down on the couch as Albus drew his wand. "Go ahead. You're not going to find anything."

"Nothing at all?" Lily asked with a grin.

"You know what I meant," Jimmy grumbled as he felt Albus flittering through his mind, testing memories without actually viewing any of them.

"So Mum," Sarah began seeing Albus and Jimmy were busy. "Have you gotten any bartenders to sign your arse in permanent magical marker lately?"

Lily blinked. "What?"

Jimmy growled at his sister. "Listen, Sarah, when you're old and out of shape, and it seems like no one is willing to talk to you, other than your seventeen pet kneazles, I just want you to know that you can count on me to tell you the truth. You suck."

"Oh dear," Albus softly added as an image flew past.

"Oops," Jimmy answered. "I didn't mean for you to see that."

Lily sighed and looked over at the child who would always be her baby. "Show me your tushy. You can pull your pants down while Albus scans you."

Jimmy wished he'd had a sickle for every time he heard that one. "Now's really not the best time."

Albus paused in his rapid fire scanning to take several long measured breaths. He smiled at Jimmy. "I shall leave it to your discretion whether you wish to turn your head and cough."

"What?" Jimmy asked in confusion.

Albus waved him off. "My humor is lost on the wizard-raised. Suffice it to say muggle-borns have some rather common horror stories."

"What?" Jimmy repeated looking towards his mother for help as the Headmaster resumed his mental scan.

"If you still have a tramp stamp let's just get it off now," Lily explained unabashedly pulling at her son's pants.

"Mum," Jimmy whined, tired of being treated like a child. "I don't have a tramp stamp! That's Sarah!"

"Jimmy!" Sarah shouted in anger.

"Oh please, honey," Lily interrupted looking towards her daughter. "Your father and I have known about your tattoo for years. You still have the materials for removing permanent magical marker?"

"Yes, mum," Sarah agreed bringing over the solution and still moist stiff brush. She handed the covered bowl to her mother. "Why don't I let you have the pleasure of scrubbing this one off?"

Jimmy felt Albus still rifling through his mind as he tried to slap his mother's hands away. "I swear Mum if you don't start treating me like an adult, I'm going to…"

"You're going to what?" Lily asked dangerously with that 'I brought you into this world' tone of voice. "Find someone to write even cruder things on you?"

Albus held up his memory scan to look at the healing solution closer. "Miss Potter? What is that?"

"That's what Madame Pomfrey told me to use," Sarah admitted. "A rejuvenating elixir mixed with a dash of thickening potion. And she said you get best results with a Chimaera hair brush."

Albus glanced at Jimmy with a twinkle in his eye and pity on his face. "I believe Madame Pomfrey meant a Chimaera hairbrush, not a 'Chimaera hair' brush."

Sarah's confidence faltered. "Huh?"

"Chimaera's were created long ago and have physically evolved. They are solitary creatures with the body of a goat, the tail of a dragon, and the head of a lion, a pack animal who's grooming issues are traditionally dealt with by other members of the pack. The Chimaera had to adapt. As a result the scales at the end of a Chimaera's tail evolved magical teeth that can be used for grooming. They are extremely useful for being gentle and firm at the same time, strength without damaging."

"Huh?"

Dumbledore smiled. "A scale with working magical teeth is called a Chimaera's comb or a Chimaera's hairbrush. That," Dumbledore said pointing towards the solution and scrub brush, "appears to be a brush made of Chimaera hair. Which are usually very coarse and I would suspect uncomfortable."

"Oh," Sarah said wincing at the incredulous look her brother was giving her. "Sorry about that. I'm just an apprentice."

"Sorry?" Jimmy squeaked. "Sorry?"

Lily hoped there was no lasting harm done but felt her son deserved it for not going to the proper school nurse. "What do you use a brush of Chimaera hair for?"

"Well, obviously, you could use one to remove permanent marker from skin," Albus offered waving airily towards the indignant Head Boy. "But perhaps the most common use of one would be to sand down the calluses on Giants' feet."

"I think I'm going to be sick," Jimmy said closing his eyes.

"Yeah," Sarah said with a shrug. "That brush didn't look new either."

Albus cheerfully took the conversation in another direction. "I am pleasantly surprised to announce that you do not have any new memory charms on you at all."

"See?" Jimmy said shaking his finger at his mother and Headmaster. "I told you I didn't have any mem-… wait, new? What do you mean new?"

Sarah was never one to pass on a chance to mock her little brother and audibly sighed. "We might as well tell him."

Lily just raised a curious eyebrow.

"Thing is, Jimmy, until that potions accident when you were five… well, you used to be a girl."

"Lies," Jimmy retorted after momentarily entertaining the idea. "All lies."

"You were best the little sister I could've hoped for."

Jimmy shook his head, not rising to the bait.

Albus cleared his throat and added, "I meant 'new' in that I was only searching for signs of recent alterations, the past year or two. The older the charm, the deeper you must scan to locate it. I also couldn't help but notice there didn't appear to be any recent binding oaths or compulsion charms."

Jimmy was getting irritated. "Harry and Sirius are nice guys. They're not abusing me, obliviating me, or touching me in a way that would require a demonstration doll in court, okay?"

"So you are free to speak about anything you wish?" Albus asked giving Jimmy a significant look.

"Yeah," Jimmy said. "I am."

Albus glanced at the two female Potters before inquiring. "And is there anything you have to say?"

Jimmy caught on to what Albus was urging him to do and smiled. "Nope. Sorry, Headmaster. Nothing to say."

Albus just smiled back and nodded in understanding. His smile dropped and he let out a small sigh. "Damn."

"What was that?" Lily asked looking between the two of them curiously.

"Nothing!" Jimmy and Albus both answered immediately.

"Nothing?" Lily repeated with her hands on her hips.

Albus and Jimmy shook their heads negatively.

"Nothing to explain justifying your behavior? Nothing to add at all?"

Jimmy shook his head. "Nope. Oh!" he suddenly recalled. "Except that please, please let's not mention anything to Dad about the firewhiskey? Please?"

"You mean the 'really bad water,' don't you?" Sarah said with a grin.

"Oh yeah," Jimmy admitted. "I kinda gave up on that one, didn't I?"

Lily sat down next to her son. "Too bad, because you had me fooled."

"Really?" Jimmy asked before noticing the look his mother gave him. "Right. I'll shut up now."

"Where are we?" Sirius asked looking around in all directions.

"We're in the middle of the desert," Harry replied. "How much more do you need to know than that?"

Sirius span around in a circle. "It's just sand as far as the eye can see in every direction."

"Surprise," Harry said, mocking Sirius' wonder. He pulled out a timer and floppy hat to protect him from the sun. He put on the hat, set the timer and shoved it back in his pocket.

"How do you know which way to go?" Sirius asked. "I mean we could walk in circles and never even know it."

Harry looked up and pointed. "We need to walk for thirty minutes in that direction."

Sirius squinted towards where Harry indicated. "You're sure?"

Harry nodded and pulled out a bottle of water. He slung his large bag over his shoulder. "Positive. Now let's go."

Sirius put on his newly purchased sunglasses and fell into step with Harry. "Of course our luck would mean we have to walk towards the sun," Sirius grumbled. "How are you so sure this is the right direction? Didn't you say you'd no idea where we were apparating to?"

"Yes."

"So you don't know where we are but you know where we need to go?"

"Yes."

"Are you messing with me like that stuff about why we have to walk and can't use brooms?"

"No."

"So if you don't know where we are, how do you know that's the direction?"

"Because the tomb isn't located in any specific location."

"It moves?"

"Yup."

"So how do you get to a tomb that moves?"

"There are lots of ways. It mainly depends on the magic of the tomb."

"How about this one?"

"This one appears only if you're lost in the Sahara desert."

"Okay."

"And then you have to meet a couple of other requirements. The first of which is that you must walk. No riding in a jeep, no riding on a broom, no riding on a cheetah with a catnip muzzle."

"The magic can check that?"

"The magic can check that. And can you guess what other requirements there are?"

"You gotta walk for thirty minutes."

"That's correct. And I bet you can guess in what direction."

"Okay, now you're just fucking with me."

Harry glanced over at Sirius but kept walking straight towards the sun.

"You're telling me this cursed tomb only appears after you get lost in the desert and then walk towards the sun for thirty minutes?"

"Cruel bastard, ain't he?"

"That's horrible. That's awful. Can't we just wrestle a dragon or something?" Sirius pleaded wiping the sweat from his forehead.

Harry smirked. "If you'd like, that could be arranged too."

Sirius stayed quiet as the pair kept walking towards the sun. He grabbed Harry's bottle of water and took a drink. He tried to hand it back.

"Keep it," Harry said with his eyes focused forward. "I've got more."

Sirius took another drink of water and wondered if this was the longest half hour of his life. "You said there are traps?"

Harry nodded. "Many. You got your gillyweed?"

Sirius looked inside his cloak. "Check."

"Your antidotes and anti-venom pack?"

"Check."

"Your crucifixes and bibles?"

"Check."

"Exactly two and a quarter kilograms of petroleum jelly?"

"Check."

"How many flame-freezing charms have you stored up to trigger wandlessly?"

"You said I'd need at least five. So I layered in twenty, two at a time."

"Excellent. What do you do when you hear the singing?"

"Cover my ears."

"When you see the naked women? Or possibly poodles?"

"Cover my eyes."

"When you cross the underground river filled with candiru?"

Sirius angrily snarled. "I'm going to crispy fry every last one of those motherfuckers."

Harry shrugged. "I was looking for pucker and cover but that works."

A loud beeping began to emanate from Harry's pocket. He pulled out the timer and turned it off. "Okay now, you're going to begin to feel tension inside of you building. Your magic is going to want you to react. Do not cast any magic at all. Just keep walking."

Sirius winced as his magic began to itch.

"Eventually your magic is going to hit a point and react on its own. When that happens, everything will go black and you're gonna fall. You've got about two seconds to cast a cushioning charm, repelling charm, something, or else you're gonna get skewered on bone spikes. Move forward on the ground until you reach a fork in the road and wait. We'll meet up there."

"Harry," Sirius hissed out through clenched teeth.

"Don't cast anything, Padfoot. And don't transform either. No magic!"

"Harry, I thought you should know… I mean, I…"

Harry winced as he kept walking, fighting his own impulse to veer from this path. "Waited until the last moment?"

"Well maybe if you'd let me finish I could-"

"Don't blame this on me. If it was important enough to mention, you should have said something earlier."

"You're unbelievable. This conversation could have been over five times already but you just can't let it go."

"Just say what you wanted to, you ignorant buttnug-"

Then the sand exploded into darkness and swallowed them whole.