Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: Only one more short chapter (more like an epilogue but probably named CHAPTER THIRTY) to go. Big thanks to the usual folks and thanks for all the reviews. Keep them coming.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

"A '78 Montrachet?" James accepted the two bottles of wine. "And a '61 Petrus? Are you trying to impress me?"

Harry and Sirius shook their heads. "You invited us to dinner. We figured we should bring the wine. Are these bad ones?"

James looked at the exorbitantly valuable bottles. "You have no idea about wine, do you?"

"Not a clue," Harry admitted. "We've got a whole bunch more if you want to come pick something better."

"Something better?" James repeated doubtfully. "Harry, these bottles are worth a small fortune. I can't accept these."

"Forget accepting them," Sirius said. "Let's drink them."

"I'm not surprised they're valuable." Harry leaned closer and whispered, "There's a good chance they came from a magically warded display case in Peter Travers wine cellar."

James blinked as he looked back down at the two bottles in his hands. He squelched his first instinct to take them in as evidence. He glanced over his shoulder before whispering back, "Already?"

Harry nodded.

"Why haven't I heard anything about this?" James wondered.

Sirius asked, "How many robberies have you attributed to the Death Eater Bandits?"

"Eight," James replied.

Sirius smugly added, "And what happened to anyone who reported a robbery?"

Harry happily explained, "Public perception says anyone targeted by the Death Eater Bandits must be a Death Eater. That's probably why less than half of them were even reported."

James couldn't stop the vindictive smile from spreading across his face. He looked back down at the wine in his hands. "I'm going to enjoy drinking these. Come on in, guys."

Harry and Sirius hung their cloaks on the stand by the door, walking into Potter's home as guests for the first time.

"They're here," James shouted loudly.

It sounded like a stampede coming around the corner with Sarah and Lily in the lead. Lily arrived a split second before Sarah, as the two slammed into Harry's body with a double thud. They both were desperately hugging the life out of them.

Harry hadn't even caught his breath before Tonks was embracing him too. He saw Jimmy smiling at his discomfort before he also joined in the smothering group hug.

"See!" Sirius exclaimed. "I told you that cologne was every bit as good as the brand name. Trust the power of the Pad-nose."

Harry sent out an invisible arm and flicked the aforementioned Pad-nose. Harry then used his invisible arms snaking all around the mass surrounding him and patted everyone on the back. "There, there."

"Shut up, Harry," Lily ordered in between sniffles.

"Okay," Harry weakly said, not taking much comfort from the sudden group hug. "But a little reminder: I grew up in a cupboard. Not a big fan of tight enclosed spaces."

The Potter family and Tonks all disentangled themselves and gave Harry room to breathe.

Harry relaxed and smiled at the expressive show of emotion. "I don't mean to sound ungrateful but what can I do to avoid that happening again?"

"Oh Harry," Lily said, fighting back tears as she thought of her time in the pensieve. "The things you… and when you had to… and when she… it was the most heart-breaking thing I've ever-" her words finally crossed into truly unintelligible gibbering. She lunged forward and hugged Harry again.

Harry resigned himself to holding on to Lily Potter for a little while and shifted her to the side, so he could talk with the others. "Let me guess, the Mirror of Erised?"

Lily let out a small wail and Tonks and Sarah latched onto Harry again.

"Oof-kay," Harry said, slightly more prepared than the first time. He was patting them all on the back with invisible arms. "I feel it's only fair to remind you that I was eleven when my parents and family were what my heart most desired. So we're talking years before I ever learned about the Feast of Satiation and how once every four years an entire colony of Veela goes into a frenzied lust for one very magical weekend."

"That's just a rumor," Sirius insisted, giving Harry a significant look.

Harry smiled at his godfather. "Sure it is," Harry said as he tapped his nose with his forefinger.

Smiling back, Sirius mirrored the gesture, tapping his nose with a silent nod.

Lily was still hugging Harry as she wryly commented, "If only you'd had a mother, you might not have been such a pervert."

"Somehow, I doubt his godfather would have let that happen," James said with a grin. He quickly clarified, "I meant he'd still be a pervert. Not that he'd kill Harry's mother."

Harry scrutinized his godfather. "Let's not be hasty and rule anything out just yet."

"Prison changes a man," Remus added from the side in a faux raspy voice.

Sirius faked a look of emotional pain. "Moony! Making fun of my most painful and private moments?"

Remus growled. "I owe you both for the crap they've been giving me. You promised never to tell anyone about my evil pedo twin."

"But we didn't tell anyone," Sirius argued. "I intend to keep honoring that promise. Besides Moony, I'm sure you can imagine some of the things we could have put in there."

Harry was finally released from Lily's grip as he turned to Sirius. "Have you been holding out on me?"

Sirius shook his head. "I was thinking of this world and how I've accidentally walked in on-"

"Nine times is not accidental!" Remus snapped.

Lily sighed and pleaded, "Can we please at least pretend to be responsible adults and not discuss our perversions or homicidal tendencies for one night? Just one."

James laid a comforting hand on his wife's shoulder. "I think we can manage one-"

A loud extremely high-pitched shriek interrupted James.

Sirius winced. "Someone step on your house elf's tail?"

"House elves have tails?" Jimmy asked in confusion.

Sirius frowned. "How else are they supposed to eat?"

"Nappy!" James called out interrupting the surreal byplay.

"Yes'm, Massa," Nappy replied as she appeared. "I din't mean fo' choo t'hear dat. Iza sorry, Massa."

"Are you okay?"

Nappy nodded her head.

"But you screamed."

"Yes'm, Massa. Iza sorry fo' dat."

Lily tried to sound gentle. "Why did you scream?"

Nappy looked embarrassed. "Choo know how Iza like pickin' cotton."

Lily translated for the others. "She's referring to the lint trap in our Magi-wash-n-fluff. Nappy uses it as stuffing in the wonderful pillows and quilts she makes."

"Yes'm, Miss Lily," Nappy agreed. "I makin' a quilt and was pickin' my cotton. Iza just startled and screamed. I din't mean to int'rupt cho' evenin'. Iza jus' gonna put the finger back and not be askin' no questions."

"What?" Lily snapped in surprise.

"What?" Peter Potter said as he and the Headmaster approached the welcoming party.

James was remembering a bit of paperwork he'd put off and forgotten about. "Oh… crap."

"James?"

Sirius just started laughing. "It's Malfoy's, isn't it?"

"What?" Albus snapped in surprise.

"What?" Jimmy asked in confusion.

James looked slightly embarrassed but not all that upset. "With everything going on that day, I guess I just… forgot."

Harry looked way too happy, holding in his giggling. "You forgot you had Malfoy's finger in your pocket?"

James saw the looks his wife was giving him as he shrugged helplessly.

"Hang on!" Sarah shouted. She turned to her little brother. "So when my whites came out pink that really wasn't a prank?"

"I told you I had nothing to do with that," Jimmy insisted.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Sarah said running off to change and burn some of her clothes.

"Sorry honey," James called out to his pale little girl. He saw the looks of horror and amusement on others' faces as he turned to the squat, frowning elf. "And sorry to you to, Nappy."

Nappy waved her hands in the air in distress. "Choo da Massa. I da Nappy. Choo don't hafta apologize to me."

James saw his wife still looked pretty upset. "I know, I know. Always empty the pockets before putting it in the dirty laundry. But it was a big day."

Sirius noticed Lily was still speechless and asked, "If you're not using the finger, do you think-"

"Eww," Harry said swatting his godfather on the arm.

"What?" Sirius argued. "It's a collector's item. There can't be more than nine others like it in the world."

Harry sighed. "Think about where that's been."

"It's probably clean and snuggly soft by now," Jimmy argued.

"It's da size of a baby's arm," Nappy supplied.

Lily was beginning to lose hope that this was going to be the perfect family dinner she'd envisioned for this evening.

"I'm sorry but that finger is going into evidence," James assured Sirius.

Albus cleared his throat. "Would you mind perhaps explaining why you have Malfoy's finger?"

Everyone turned to look at Albus, displeasure on their faces.

Albus sighed. "How many times must I also apologize for my evil pedo twin?"

"That's it!" Lily yelled. "No more evil pedos, no more severed fingers, no more homicidal tendencies or… what was the other one?"

"Perversions," Remus helpfully supplied.

"No more talk of perversions either! I want a pleasant, family dinner. Anybody got a problem with that?" Lily slowly swiveled her head from side to side, daring the others to speak up.

They had all pasted smiles on their face as they nodded at Lily.

Harry leaned closer to her and softly joked, "It's okay to cry, you know."

Lily let out something in between laughter and crying and took the opportunity to hug Harry once again.

"Okay," Harry said accepting the unexpected hug. "I was just trying to be funny. You really shouldn't cry. It makes people uncomfortable."

"Shut up, Harry," Lily said, intentionally hugging him harder. She let go and walked over to her husband. "I think we need wine."

"I'll get the…" James trailed off at the look on Lily's face. "I mean I'll give you the wine and go take care of the… thing."

"Smart man," Lily said grabbing the bottles and leading the rest back towards the dining room.

Albus waited for the others to pass and pounced on Harry. "I was hoping you might shed some light on a few of the mysteries surrounding David Monroe."

Harry waved his godfather on and looked at Albus. "Jumping right into it, eh?"

"The longer I keep you, the more I risk your mother's wrath," Albus explained.

Harry darkly laughed. "Why are you the last one to keep calling her my mother?"

Albus frowned. "What would you prefer I call her?"

"Lily, Mrs. Potter, master, whatever you want," Harry said with a shrug of his shoulders. He saw Albus wanted a better explanation. "Yes, I mean Lily is family, as are all the Potters. And there isn't a good word for our relationship, but you're insulting my real mother every time you call Lily that."

"My apologies," Albus said slightly shamed. "Now please stop stalling with your attempts to get me into trouble with your evil pedo twin mother."

"That'll work," Harry cheered thinking 'evil pedo twin' was a sufficient qualifier for calling this Lily Potter his mother.

Albus was beginning to think he wouldn't be getting any decent answers tonight. "Harry."

"Yeah?"

"David Monroe?"

"Interesting fellow." Harry grinned. "Very interesting."

Albus sighed and whispered conspiratorially, "Will you at least confirm if he is the mysterious wizard in black?"

Harry's voice dropped to a mocking whisper. "Will you at least call him by his proper name?"

"That Fucker," Albus quickly added. "Is David Monroe that fucker?"

"No," Harry said.

Albus blinked. "He's not?"

"No," Harry corrected. "I was answering the first question. No, I won't confirm it."

"Harry," Albus frowned, knowing without a doubt that David Monroe had to be.

"You told me you were blissful in your ignorance," Harry reminded. "Why would you want to lose all that safe protection of the sand surrounding your head in the ground?"

"Harry," Albus said, wondering just how many meanings and emotions he'd managed to use with that single name.

"Okay, let me put it this way: you know more than a fair share of my secrets and you know why it's important that they stay secret."

Albus nodded.

"David Monroe, as I'm sure you've guessed, also has a number of secrets that should stay secret."

"He's from a-"

"Don't even try to guess," Harry interjected. "Just don't."

Albus sighed in frustration, thinking of his distinct lack of options.

"Listen," Harry said. "You remember how Tonks and Remus trusting me was enough for you at first?"

Albus nodded.

"Same thing," Harry said sending magic into the brotherhood charm he shared with Albus. "Have a little faith in my judgment."

"So you trust him?"

Harry chuckled. "About as far as I could throw him."

Albus sighed.

"Okay, maybe not even that far."

Albus took a breath and tried to salvage something positive from this discussion. "I understand you don't trust easily, but you at least believe him to be a good man?"

"No," Harry blurted out way too quick for Albus' liking. "A good man? Hell, I don't even think I'm a 'good' man."

Albus just glared.

"It's a switch I can flip on occasionally," Harry admitted. "But David?" Harry saw Albus was desperate. "For what it's worth, while I might not buy his motivations, I do believe that David is trying to be something of a good man."

Albus latched onto that as solace and nodded.

"Or rather he's trying to do good things," Harry clarified. "We are who we choose to be, right?"

Lily Potter cleared her throat loudly. She was standing in hallway, holding two glasses of wine.

"Sorry about that," Harry said to Lily as he accepted the offered glass of wine. "It was his fault."

"I know," Lily said holding out the other glass for Albus. "Drink your wine, Headmaster."

Albus double-checked the hidden bezoar he kept in his false tooth and warily took the glass.

Lily glanced over her shoulder as Harry hurried towards the dining room. "Harry sure likes getting you in trouble."

"He most certainly does," Albus agreed subtly casting detection spells on the wine. "And you know it only works because you allow his-"

"Don't," Lily warned.

Albus wisely stayed quiet and took a sip of the wine.

"I know you're not the one I'm angry with. But if nothing else perhaps you'll learn to never place an orphan with people like my sister."

Albus was quietly mumbling into his glass. "You were the one who gave him the blood protection."

"What?" she snapped dangerously.

"Nothing," Albus quickly exclaimed. "Lesson learned. No role in child placement without many, many layers of accountability."

Lily nodded in agreement.

Albus began to walk with Lily towards the dining room. "Perhaps, Harry's former Headmaster relied too much on your brilliant advice and counsel in those sorts of matters."

Lily looked at him curiously. "You know, if you want to distance yourself from Harry's former Headmaster, I'd advise against rationalizing his actions for him. But the sucking up to me is a nice touch."

Albus smiled in amusement. "I can see where Harry gets his bluntness from."

"Don't push it," Lily warned, making it clear he wasn't out of the doghouse yet.

"Check it out," Jimmy said pointing towards Nappy's glazed over eyes. "Harry can obliviate house elves."

"Obliviate," Harry cast yet again on the poor elf. "Stop saying that."

Lily looked up in surprise. "I didn't think it was possible to memory charm a house elf."

Nappy looked up. "Choo can-"

"Obliviate," Harry cast once more. "Stop! Or I'll start casting them on everyone."

"It's cool!" Jimmy defended.

James came in from the back way. "What'd I miss?"

"Harry can-mmph-mmph," Jimmy was cut off as a buttery roll floated up and was crammed into his mouth.

"Nothing," Harry said. "Just… nothing." He saw Jimmy was now calmly eating the roll. "Jimmy's got the right idea. How about we eat?"

The large group settled into the lengthened dinner table and several of the dishes started to get passed around. Sirius leaned over towards James asked, "So you took care of the thing?"

James chanced a brief glance at his wife and told Sirius. "It's gone. Give it up."

"But I wanted to-mmph-mmph," Sirius's whining was cut off by a roll as Harry saw Lily was getting irritated again.

James grabbed a roll of his own and commented. "You like to use those arms, don't you?"

"They have their uses." Harry couldn't help but want to show off. Food from all around the table floated into perfect place onto his plate. "I can be a terror in a food fight."

Lily shook her head with a smile. "I shudder to think of the-"

She was interrupted by the sudden splat of mashed potatoes smacking Harry in the back of the ear. She saw the guilty party at the other end of the table. "Peter!"

"What?" Peter defended. "He was practically asking for it. Thinking he could take on all of us at once."

"I never said that," Harry insisted as some hot gravy was poured down an unprepared Peter's back.

"No," Lily shouted. "I will not have this evening descend into-" She stopped suddenly as an olive tweaked her nose.

"Oh… crap," Jimmy muttered under his breath.

"James Edward Potter, Junior," Lily said breaking out the full name.

"Dad hit me first!" Jimmy pleaded pointing across the table.

"You're grounded," James retorted in lieu of an empty denial.

"I'm still in school."

Lily had reached her breaking point and drew her wand. She clenched a fist around the tip and slammed it down on the table. The magic reacted instantly and every plate in front of a guest jumped up and flew into their respective faces and laps.

Lily smiled at all the indignant shouts. "I feel much better now."

Harry looked up from the food covering his front and smirked at Lily. "A worthy opponent I see."

"I did not do this to-ohhh…" Lily trailed off into a shocked gasp as the bottle of wine floating over her head proceeded to pour its entire contents into her hair and down her favorite dress. "It's on now."

With a whip of her wand, two still warm pies came arcing in, circling around the group and zeroing in on Harry from two sides.

Two invisibles punches sent steaming peach and blackberry filling splattering into all directions.

Sirius just grabbed the two glasses in front of him and simultaneously threw their contents into the faces of Harry on his right and James on his left.

Albus, not one to miss an opportunity, sent out an animated army of chicken wings marching down the table. The chicken wings were pouring salad dressing into a miniature trebuchet they'd fashioned out of a ladle and a napkin holder.

Sarah and Jimmy were focused on tossing anything they could get their hands on at Harry. Jimmy saw how pointless their efforts were as everything bounced back towards them. He noticed his sister wasn't paying him any attention and transfigured an ear of corn to look like a swollen rotting finger.

Timing it as a hail storm of peas bounced back at them, Jimmy subtly levitated the finger right in front of his sister's dress and jammed it into her awaiting cleavage.

Sarah looked down and saw the discolored finger pointing up at her accusingly from between her breasts. She started to shriek. She toppled wildly out of her chair and scrambled back trying to get away. She was pulling on the offending digit but her grip slipped and she cleanly knocked herself out leaving a small dent in the wall where her skull hit.

Everyone paused for a moment to observe the first casualty.

"For wanting to be a healer, that was pretty pathetic," Jimmy commented.

Tonks admitted from the other side, "In fairness I saw what you were doing, and I might have hit the finger with charms to lock it in place and wiggle constantly."

The pause in fighting lasted only until another ladle full of dressing splattered onto Harry's shield.

Albus snapped his wand and the chicken wings all fell lifelessly where they were. "I see cooler heads have-" His declaration was cut off as a giant amorphous jelly monster had appeared behind Albus and fallen forward. The headmaster's entire upper torso and head were submerged inside the dark green gelatinous blob.

Albus barely opened his eyes and saw the world was tinted green. He closed them in concentration and appeared to vibrate in place. The resulting green jelly explosion coated the walls, ceiling, and everyone else, shields and all in a sticky soppy mess.

"Get him!" Lily shouted with a renewed fervor as a pie knocked the back of Albus' head forward.

What had started as a chaotic battle quickly turned into a bloodbath, a gravy bath, and an au jus bath. Albus made no offensive maneuvers and hunched down letting everything hit him. He hid his face behind his arms resting on the table.

The good natured food fight offered the Potters an opportunity to vent some of their anger for Dumbledore's counterpart on the old man himself.

Harry spotted the crafty magic at play and moved over towards the wall where the real Dumbledore was invisibly observing. "Not going to sneak away, are you?"

Dumbledore knew he'd been spotted as he watched the others laying into his hastily transfigured body double. "This is you and your manipulative memories' fault."

"They're just memories," Harry argued with a grin. "A little unvarnished truth from my life experiences."

"Yes and arranged to play in a devastatingly precise order," Albus commented. "The Mirror of Erised at the end was a masterstroke."

"Sirius talked me into that one," Harry agreed. "I thought it felt a little too Dumbledore-ish for me."

Albus sighed at having become an unflattering adjective. He canceled his invisibility spell and attracted the others' attention as he loudly asked, "Are you about done?"

One last conjured pineapple clunked off the illusion's head.

"Sorry," Remus said meekly having been the last one to stop. "Mob mentality and all."

Albus frowned knowing he definitely would have bruised from that pineapple. "And do you feel any better?"

"Yes, much," Lily happily concurred.

"I do," Tonks nodded in slight surprise.

"That was fun," Jimmy agreed. "Especially since Sarah missed most of it."

James was already casting a simple bruise-relieving charm on the back of his daughter's head. He helped to her feet while Albus reversed his double's transfiguration.

Lily was looking at the carnage everywhere, including the green jelly dripping from the ceiling. She grabbed a handful of her own hair and squeezed. A small stream of wine dripped out and into her empty glass. She lifted her glass in salute to Harry and drank it.

"Eurgh, that's horrible," Lily announced, wincing from the taste.

"Pretty disgusting from this side too," James added.

Sarah extricated the ear of corn from her chest and dropped it down her little brother's back. Jimmy's hair and front were covered with mashed potatoes. He just shrugged indifferently at the corn pressing into his back.

Sarah picked a couple of kernels from her cleavage and warned her brother, "I'm going to make you rue."

Jimmy begged. "It wasn't that big a-"

"Rue!" Sarah shouted.

Remus saw Harry and Sirius looked lost. "Jimmy's first detention with Snape was to write lines. Three rolls of parchment of I shall rue the day I ever met Severus Snape. Since then it's kind of…"

Sirius couldn't help himself. "He's a rued bastard."

"Oh Merlin," Harry groaned. "Pardon me, Lily, but…" He paused and used a pair of invisible arms to yank the chair right out from under Sirius.

Sirius's tailbone hit hard and he yelped in pain.

Lily had finished dabbing her face clean and admitted the obvious. "It appears we didn't prepare enough food."

"You know I don't think it's the amount as much as it is us," Harry suggested.

"Is this how most of your dinner parties go?" Lily asked while brushing a deviled egg off her shoulder.

"The good ones," Harry agreed. "And besides it's hard to call this a dinner party when we're all family." He paused a beat and added, "And Albus."

Albus cleared his throat and retorted, "I believe you'll find we're brothers in magic."

Lily stood up from her seat. "How does sandwiches and beer sound?" She received nods of approval and continued, "You can take turns cleaning up and meet me back in the kitchen."

"Sounds perfect," Peter heartily agreed, knowing his entire left side was still coated in green jelly.

James explained, "There are two showers upstairs and one downstairs. Sirius, there's a hose out back."

Harry chuckled and moved to follow Jimmy towards one of the bathrooms.

"Nappy!" Lily called out.

The elf popped into the room and had her mouth open before she took in the current state of cleanliness. Nappy just looked from Lily to James to the walls to everyone else. She was making a little keening sound and appeared to be nearing a breakdown.

"Relax Nappy," Lily tried to comfort the elf. "We're going to leave this room, and you can clean it at your leisure. No rush, no pressure. We're going to help ourselves and stay in the kitchen."

Nappy was taking quick and frantic breaths, unsuccessfully trying to calm herself. "Can Iza sing, Miss Lily?"

Lily smiled at the kind-hearted creature. "Of course you can, Nappy."

Nappy looked at Lily pleadingly.

Lily nodded and could tell Nappy was eager to get to work. "Alright, everybody out. Let's stop bothering poor Nappy."

Wet squishing sounds accompanied every step as they all filed out of the dining room, away from the tiny creature waving them on.

The doors closed behind them and a deep voice was heard from the edible battlefield. "Swing low, sweet chariot…"

Harry took a bite from his roast beef sandwich and elbowed his smiling host. "I know this probably hasn't lived up to your expectations, but I like this more than a formal dinner."

Lily smiled at Harry. "Why is that?"

"The food may not be as fancy, but it's more intimate." Harry took a sip of his beer. "The formality of entertaining guests versus the familiarity of friends and family."

"You know you're welcome here anytime," Lily offered.

Harry nodded in gratitude. "If you don't mind, I'd like to put up a ward or two. Secure it a bit more and let me know if anyone tries to attack here."

"You're pretty good with wards, aren't you?"

Harry shrugged. "I know a bit. One of those side effects of my life."

"Harry," Sirius shouted out in between giggles. "Have you seen today's Quibbler?"

"Oh dear," Lily muttered as she saw all the others were crowded around a copy of the eccentric periodical.

"What is it?" Harry asked warily.

"Another supposed conquest of yours that I dearly hope is polyjuice," Lily said distastefully.

Harry accepted the paper and saw the magically moving photo on page eight. "That's my bedroom," he said as he saw his half naked body sleeping. The covers over his legs shifted and Delores Umbridge's surprised face came up from between his legs and looked right into the camera, before burrowing back under the covers.

The scene repeated over and over, with Umbridge looking surprised each time.

Harry growled at the unsubtle laughing. "Oh Tonks?"

Tonks was cowering behind her adoptive father as far from Harry as she could. She softly asked, "Yeah?"

Harry grunted at the extra effort in the distance but yanked her to float right in front of him.

"It wasn't me!" She insisted.

Harry looked back down at the small print by the photo. "Photo courtesy of Tonks Poopin?"

"Okay it might have been me."

Harry growled.

"Parley! Truce! Uncle!"

"You're not a pirate and your only uncle is Lucius Malfoy." Harry belatedly added, "Or perhaps your dad."

Jimmy and Sirius both found that addition and Remus' reaction particularly amusing.

"Truce, Harry, truce," Tonks begged. "Can't we all just get along?"

Harry narrowed his eyes. "You have more pictures, don't you?"

"Tons," Tonks happily agreed. "There's this one where Snape's hair is tickling your nose and it looks like you're petting him."

"Tonks!"

"Truce!" she insisted back.

Harry saw the eager looks on the others' faces and set her back down. "I'll agree to a temporary cessation of hostilities while I figure out suitable terms for a truce."

"Done," Tonks agreed. "But I'm not doing a midget detention."

"No, no midget detention," Harry agreed. "You need something special."

Lily saw Harry's devious smile. "There's a lot I don't know about you."

Harry chuckled and looked up in surprise to see his owl at the window. "Kid Killer McGee? You got something for me?"

The owl hooted as the window opened and flew over to land on the counter in front of Harry. He stuck out his leg and waited until Harry untied the letter before pouncing on the roast beef sandwich in Harry's hand.

"Were you expecting a letter?" Albus asked as he watched Harry casting diagnostic charms on the sealed parchment.

Harry looked at Albus and shrugged. "I don't know that many people beyond those in the room."

Harry detected some unknown magic in the parchment but it wasn't on the whole paper just a small spot. He unrolled the letter and discovered a string sprouted near the bottom left corner sticking out a couple of inches from a small magical seal.

"There's a string coming out of the parchment," Harry said seeing if anyone else recognized the spell.

Sirius could tell Harry wanted a response. "If it's anything like a passed out drunken hag, trust me, you don't want to pull on that string."

"Oh god, I'd forgotten about that," James cringed remembering a trip down Knockturn Alley the summer after his first year.

Harry did his best not to think about that and read the letter silently to himself.

Harry,
I suspect you'll have more use for this than I will. It never liked me much but as you know well, it makes a powerful tool to use against its brother. Nevertheless, I am now in possession of an excellent yew wand that likes me far more than this one ever did. I suppose it's also worth noting that my yew wand's previous owner is secure in his cage. Brothers in magic and brothers in wands, eh?

We'll be in touch.

-David

Harry blinked as he took in the meaning of the letter. He looked up and saw no one else could see the contents before inspecting the string excitedly. He grabbed onto it and carefully tugged. The small circle around where the string connected lit up in a white hot fire and a holly wand was erupting out from the surface as he pulled the string up.

"I have got to learn this spell," Harry commented highly impressed at the magic involved. Just as the full eleven inches were out the seal on the parchment and the string disappeared. The wand began to fall.

Seeker reflexes kicking in, Harry snatched it out of the air. "Ohhh," Harry groaned in release as the comfort of his first wand reacted to his magic. His eyes were shut in contented bliss. A geyser of red, white, and gold sparks streamed from the tip. It lasted several seconds before slowing to a trickle. "Oh-oh," Harry grunted again as another couple of spurts shot out the tip.

"That was disgusting," Sarah summarized for all those watching.

"Ahh," Harry said one last time a two more dribbles of magic oozed out the tip of his wand. "That's the stuff."

Albus suddenly put two and two together. "He obliviated Ollivander."

Harry didn't feel like implicating the man just yet and flashed a smirk at his godfather. Harry turned to Albus with a determined expression. "I think it's time I joined the Order."

"Really?" Albus said in surprise. "You were waiting on the wand?"

"Sure," Harry shrugged indicating that had nothing to do with it. "But only until Voldemort is defeated."

Albus blinked. "Of course. The Order will be disbanded after the Dark Lord is gone."

"So…" Harry trailed off. "Don't I get a merit badge or something?"

Albus frowned. "I'll introduce you at the next meeting but it's nothing so formal. The only identifiable characteristic is one of these." Albus floated his personal chocolate frog card into Harry's hand.

Harry thought the holographic picture of Albus had jammed his beard in his ear, but it moved too fast for him to be sure.

"Potter! Are you there?" A shout came from the fireplace in the other room.

"Kingsley?" James asked hurrying into the next room and spotting the bald auror's head in his floo.

"The Dark Lord is dead! Get to the Ministry. I've got to track down Albus next." Kingsley's head disappeared before James could say another word.

"The what is what?" James repeated in disbelief.

"The what?" Albus shouted from the kitchen.

"I believe he said the Dark Lord is dead," Harry said with a grin while still inspecting the chocolate frog card. "And may I say, it's been a pleasure being a part of the Order, but I'm glad that chapter of my life is over now."

Albus was too flustered at first to properly respond.

James hurriedly kissed his wife on the cheek and promised to be in touch. He apparated straight to the Ministry.

Albus looked at Harry standing there calmly. "Harry? Is this…"

Harry nodded with certainty as the chocolate frog card in his hand flared to life.

"Headmaster, err, Lord Black?" Kingsley Shacklebolt corrected himself in obvious confusion.

"Relax, Kingsley, I'm part of the Order," Harry assured him with a smile.

"Right," Kingsley warily agreed. "Where's Albus?"

"I shall summon him immediately," Harry pompously replied as the chocolate frog card was wrenched from his hand.

"Give me that!" Albus loudly pouted. "I'm here."

"The Dark Lord is dead! Voldemort was going after the Minister's daughter but David Monroe protected her and killed him with a lucky shot! Mad-eye's testing what's left of the body now." Kingsley's head turned to the side. "I've gotta go. There's a secure floo to the site connected from DMLE headquarters."

Albus just nodded at the chocolate frog card as it deactivated. He looked over to Harry expectantly.

Harry was content to act nonchalant. "So do Order members get like a pension or something?"

Albus sighed and apparated away.

Harry glanced around the room before turning to Sirius with a glint in his eyes. "You know, Padfoot…"

"I like that look in your eye," Sirius exclaimed, grinning excitedly.

Harry was smiling while the others were still struggling with the shock of the Dark Lord's sudden defeat. "I was just thinking this calls for a celebration."

"Yeah?" Sirius asked hopefully.

Harry nodded. "We should throw the party to end all parties."

"Who were you thinking on inviting?"

"Well," Harry admitted and scratched his head. "I was thinking we should invite… everyone."

"Everyone?"

"Everyone."

"Grimmauld Place?"

"Say about two to three hours to set everything up and let the good news spread?"

"I bet we could get Gin to close her doors and sell us her current inventory."

"The twins could probably help put together a light show or two."

Sirius was smiling so brightly his face looked like it would split. "I remember how things were the first time when I was hunting Wormtail. Ministry Obliviators are going to hate us."

"That's why they're invited too," Harry grinned.

Sirius was running through ideas in his head. He jumped up and jerked his head. "Well come on. We've got work to do."

Harry turned towards the still stupefied Lily Potter. He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you for a lovely dinner. But it looks to be a long night."

Harry and Sirius happily marched out of the room, off to hastily arrange the party of the century.

Lily, Remus, Tonks, Peter, Jimmy, and Sarah were all still standing around slowly comprehending the magnitude of the news.

"Voldemort is… dead." Lily tried out the words.

Jimmy nodded and voiced the only question on his mind. "What do you wear to a 'dark lord defeated' party?"

Harry and Sirius didn't have enough time for all of their grand plans, but they did create a giant circular dungeon room with no visible doors or windows that served as the primary dance floor, hire a DJ, enchant several trampolines illegally, steal all of Hogwarts school brooms, hide the second and third floors of the manor, ward the entire property from muggle notice, magic a massive hole through to the roof, and conjure a few hundred masks for anyone who wanted them.

The masks were of Voldemort's face locked in a look of surprise with "I'm so dead!" branded across his forehead.

The immense circular room was Sirius' project. It was big enough to fit the Burrow stacked twice within the room. All the walls were charmed to show memories controlled by the throne like stage where the DJ worked. Also at the DJ's control was a button that would mimic an earthquake on the dance floor. If the button was held down, eventually the whole room would start to spin in place.

One trampoline was charmed to catch people jumping down into the room, while another bounced them the seventy feet up to the enlarged foyer where the only door in and out of Grimmauld Place was. Half a dozen more trampolines were around the floor and pre-charmed with several easily modifiable settings. Brooms were scattered all around the place for those uncomfortable with the trampolines.

On the other side of the stage was the pudding pit for wrestling.

Howlers were sent off to all the major magical alleys, Hogsmeade, Hogwarts, St. Mungo's, and even the Ministry. They all said the same thing. "Voldemort is dead! If you feel this nugget of knowledge is worth celebrating then come party with the Lords Black at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. Leave your conscience at the door. Clothing optional."

Tonks urged her platinum blonde hair to grow longer and cover her ridiculously sized bare breasts. She took a few more tentative steps adjusting to the feel of hooves. "Are you sure five minutes isn't enough?"

"Ten," Harry said nodding in approval of the partial transfiguration. Tonks had to take a Norton's Brew to get it to stick, but her bottom half had been replaced with the body of a horse. When you added in her nude upper half, she made for a hot centaur. "Ten minutes from the moment we appear, and you can't just stand there. You have to engage in conversations with people."

Tonks was pulling her hair flatter, trying to keep her nipples from poking out. She looked at the bright smile on Harry's face. "I'm beginning to think a midget detention doesn't sound so bad."

"Just ten minutes," Harry reminded her. "And then we've got a truce. I shall pursue no further vengeance for this morning's Quibbler. But if any new pictures surface, all bets are off."

Tonks gave up playing with her hair and tried to swish her tail. She only managed to wiggle her bottom. "You're not forcing me to return all the other pictures and destroy the negatives?"

Harry gave her an experimental squeeze and looked up at her indignant frown. "Where would be the fun in that?"

Tonks slapped Harry's hand away when he went for another squeeze. "Let's get this over with."

Harry tapped a disillusionment charm over his head and grabbed Tonks' arm. "I'll help you to the dance floor."

Harry rested a hand on Tonks' back where it met the horse transfiguration and guided her from the backyard to the foyer.

Dozens of people were standing around the railing circling the twenty foot in diameter hole in the foyer. They were chattering wildly, breaking into excited hugs and exclamations of joy, and passing bottles of unknown alcohol around merrily. But not a single person missed the fact that a large and healthy female centaur just walked out from the kitchen.

Males and females alike were struggling to meet Tonks' eyes. She just nodded silently at them while Harry was sniggering into his disillusioned hand.

"I got you," Harry assured Tonks as she gracelessly hopped over the railing and down the hole to the dance floor.

The receiving trampoline caught them smoothly and their fall slowed to a gentle stop. Tonks took a few shaky steps and walked off the trampoline with the help of a disillusioned Harry.

"Nine more minutes," Harry muttered out the corner of his mouth as he gave Tonks a gentle smack on her hindquarters and walked away.

"Wow," one man exclaimed shortly before getting cuffed in the head by his wife.

"Greetings," Tonks said walking up to the unknown man. "I am Sugarbane. Tell me, do you know where I could find Lord Harry Black?"

Several scantily clad women had all surrounded her and asked, "What're you looking for him for?"

Tonks had to smother a smile at the slutty Lord-diggers' jealousy. She arched her back proudly and thrust her chest out. "Stories of his legend have spread far across the lands. And I tire of the pathetically small horse cocks among the males in my clan."

A disillusioned man fell to the floor in an effort not to laugh out loud.

Tonks nodded at the incredulous faces. "Fridwulfa the Giantess tells of the prowess-"

"Tonks?" Jimmy exclaimed having recognized her mannerisms, even if he'd never seen this face before.

Tonks took four slow and wobbly steps towards Jimmy, and when she was finally close enough, she slapped him across the face. "Hold your tongue, youngling."

Jimmy put his hand against his sore cheek but couldn't tear his eyes away from the sight.

"Eyes up," Tonks snapped.

"Sorry," Jimmy said looking Tonks in the eye. He stole a quick glance to make sure the breasts were still there but held eye contact for the most part.

Tonks sighed and asked, "Do you know where I could find Lord Harry Black?"

"Huh?" Jimmy asked with a wandering eye.

"Eyes up!"

Jimmy jerked his head up. "Lord Harry Black?"

"Yes," Tonks eagerly asserted.

Jimmy looked over to the right and then the left. "There he is. That's him."

Tonks had her arms out to the side to steady herself as she half-galloped towards the extremely amused Harry and Sirius.

The effect of her brisk movement was not lost on any of the men there.

"Lord Harry Black," Tonks said with a slight bow. "The stars speak of a glorious joining."

Harry was holding his chin in thought. "Can you gallop again?"

Tonks restrained herself from trying out a donkey kick. Instead she hopped in place a couple times, making sure her swollen mammary continued gyrating in small aftershocks. She stoically deadpanned, "The heavens have foretold my coming."

Harry knew he was going to crack up if he let Tonks keep talking. He smiled at Sirius. "Why not?"

Harry took two steps and used his magical arms to hop into place on Tonks' back like she was a normal steed. He twirled his wand towards the wall and a curtained doorway appeared. "Giddyup!"

Harry used his magical arms to steady and urge Tonks forward leaving a stunned packed dance floor behind.

As soon as they were past the curtain, Harry fell off Tonks back and let out the laughter he'd been holding in.

Tonks stopped and steadied herself in place. "That wasn't ten minutes."

"I don't care," Harry assured her through his mirth. "That was perfect. Full credit. Oh Tonks… did you see the looks on their faces?"

"You mind giving me my legs back?" Tonks said waving her hands towards her equestrian half. "Jimmy needs a little payback too."

"He's a teen," Harry argued. "And those were bouncing. Why did you have to bring Hagrid's mum into this?"

Tonks shrugged as she kneeled down and rolled onto her side. "You know any others giants that've boinked humans?"

"True, but she died a long time ago… I think." Harry carefully reversed the transfiguration, leaving a completely naked Tonks lying on the floor.

"I doubt anyone fooled by that is going to be up to date on giant current events." Tonks stretched and morphed her body into a more comfortable form as she readjusted to being bipedal. She ignored the pile of clothes Harry set out and stalked over towards him. "Now it's your fault I'm feeling all randy, so you have to fix this one."

Harry didn't fight back as Tonks pushed him down and stood imposingly over him. "Really?"

A predatory smile and a swish of Tonks' wand were the only warning Harry received.

Ten ridiculously frenzied minutes later, the top half of Harry's naked sweaty body stuck out from the curtains and found a crowd of people waiting. "Anyone got a cigarette?"

A loud whinnying sound of relief could be heard in the background.

"Thanks," Harry said accepting a silent offer of a cigarette from a man. He smiled extra brightly at the resigned but amused look on Lily Potter's face as he disappeared back behind the curtain.

Eight minutes and one shared cigarette later, Harry emerged from the curtain providing the cover for a hidden and disillusioned Tonks to sneak out right behind him. Harry waved his wand and the curtained doorway disappeared from view.

"Where's Sugarbane?" the primarily young and male waiting crowd asked.

Harry spotted a brightly smiling and clearly drunk Ron Weasley nodding eagerly to the question. "She, uh," Harry quickly lied, "she said she's going to need to sleep for a few days so… yeah."

Lily approached Harry trying to look disapproving as she handed him a clear glass. "Some whiskey. To wash the sin from your mouth."

Harry smiled at Lily, inspecting the glass. "We're going to need more whiskey."

"Yes," Lily agreed. "We're probably going to need to soak your-"

"Mum!" Jimmy shouted.

"Sorry," Lily apologized, thinking she might need to lay off the whiskey.

Up on stage by the DJ, Sirius cast a Sonorus charm, and shouted, "Welcome!"

Conversations stopped and turned to the host.

"The Dark Lord is dead, the Dark Lord is dead," Sirius sang with a little dance.

Everyone cheered and thrust their hands into the air.

"For those that don't know, I am Sirius Black, one of the Lords of this Noble and Most Ancient House or some such rubbish," Sirius preened under the cheers and praise for him. "First off, let's give a big hand to Gin Weasley and the Hog's Head for the drinks."

Gin waved as a spotlight flashed her way.

"And of course her illustrious brothers and the fine folks at Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes have provided a number of fireworks." Sirius shouted pointing a spotlight towards Fred and George.

The twins responded by triggering a pair of magical rockets. The first one reached the main level and exploded, sending a large shower of harmless white sparks all over the foyer and cascading down to the dance floor. The second one spiraled up through the hole out the roof and blew a deafening bang as massive WWW logo hovered in the sky for ten seconds.

Several Ministry workers palmed their faces and went off to make up a story for the muggles.

"And providing the music," Sirius said pointing towards the man with a fashion sense only Albus Dumbledore would appreciate, "DJ Drastic Squibtastic!"

The quiet music exploded into a frenetic beat and the man pressed the button a couple times to get the room shaking.

"Now I can understand no one breaking in the pudding pit yet," Sirius continued working the crowd as the music quieted. "We still need to get Tonks a little drunker, but we're getting there."

"Oi!" The pink-haired auror shouted down from the railing in the foyer.

Sirius just waved at her as people laughed. "But I'm disappointed no one's using the trampolines. Maybe you need a demonstration. Harry, show them how it's done."

Sirius continued to narrate while Harry grudgingly walked over to one of the six blue trimmed trampolines. "For those of you sober enough to understand, that big hole up there is charmed so that anyone falling through it lands safely on the receiving trampoline. It won't catch you if you're on a broom, and it won't catch you if you're bonded to a different trampoline."

Harry bounced softly in place until a flash of light appeared.

"Now Harry's tied to that trampoline," Sirius explained. "Just sit there until it syncs with you, and then it responds to your wishes."

Harry had started bouncing ten and fifteen off the ground.

"Don't be a pansy," Sirius chided Harry.

On his next bounce down into the trampoline he sank just a little further and longer in before he was launched like a missile, straight up through the foyer, the warded second and third floors, and out the hole in the roof up into the night sky.

Harry's less than manly scream of glee came zooming back down into the hole and landed right back on the trampoline again. He shouted, "Overdid it a little," and shot back up into the sky.

The crowds were all looking up waiting for Harry to come back down, but he never did.

"What my camera shy fellow Lord Black has done is to sever his connection with the trampoline," Sirius explained. "He's probably setting up the barbecue on the roof right now."

Sirius turned his head watching the hole in the ceiling while a couple people on brooms flew up to check only to zip out of the way of Harry as he fell. He landed smoothly on the receiving trampoline and nodded at Sirius.

"Fire pits are lit and the night sky up there is beautiful," Sirius urged them all and nodded at the DJ to start up the music again.

Harry apparated with a soft pop and launched the slippery projectile at his godfather.

Sirius felt the splash on his back and sighed. "Oh yeah. And in addition to all the fireworks on the roof, a few of the five hundred water balloons up there are filled with clothes-dissolving potion."

Sirius ran through the crowd as his upper body and lower legs were already bare. He immediately synced with a trampoline and jumped out of view just as the last of his underwear disappeared.

His still amplified voice called down, "Fair warning to anyone thinking of crashing here. If the sun is up and you're still passed out or lying around, we're going to toss you into the floo with no destination. Now turn that music back up!"

The music started pumping loudly and the cheering even drowned that out as the party resumed. Lots were dancing, some using the brooms to get to the roof. Several people used the trampolines to just bounce and make poses for those surrounding the railing in the foyer. There was no argument with giving the ladies first dibs on the trampolines.

Much alcohol was consumed and merriment had.

Inevitably, twenty brooms, some with individuals, some with couples, were all positioned for the first annual naked broom race to Big Ben and back.

All the competitors were wearing "I'm so dead!" Voldemort masks to hide their faces. The masks looked especially amusing on the dozen or so mighty fine looking naked female bodies.

Harry had magically attached the mask to his face after his clothes dissolved for the third time. He looked to his left and saw a pale nubile woman's body that was clearly affected by the breeze. He looked to his right and saw a pair of identical naked female bodies on a single broom and came to a conclusion.

"This isn't going to work," Harry muttered pulling the broom out from under him and spinning to face the other way. He remounted his broom with the bristles in front of him.

"Three, two, one, GO!" The mask wearing referee shouted.

Harry zoomed off the roof, getting way ahead of the pack, despite flying backwards and facing the wrong way. He was watching all the naked women gripping their broom handles tighter. "Sweet."

Harry had to reach behind him and jerk the handle of the broom as he was flying a little too close to a large Victorian house. "Whoa."

"Ha-ha!" a particularly competitive woman shouted as the pack flew over the stumbling backwards facing wizard. "Not so cocky now, are you?"

"Well you can't beat the view," Harry grinned looking straight up at them. "And it's not like these brooms protect from shrinkage."

Harry kept flying underneath them with his eyes aimed skyward while maintaining the pack's pace. "Sweet."

A scream erupted as a few of the racers got too close and one of the two identical naked bodies fell off her broom.

"Shit," Harry said as he jumped off his broom, spun it around to face the right way and dove after her. He caught her arm just before she crashed into the street below. "Hang on," Harry said as a bus was headed straight for them. He zipped back up into the air and swung the scared woman up over his head and landed her right in place onto the back of his broom behind him.

She was still out of breath as she clutched her arms around Harry holding him tight.

"You okay?" Harry asked as her race partner came flying over.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry!" the likely twin sister shouted.

"I'm okay," she assured, scooting closer to Harry. "I'm okay."

"You saved her," she said looking at Harry gratefully.

"It happens," Harry ruefully admitted. "You two want to catch up and win this race?"

"No," the soft voice over his shoulder said, resting her cheek on Harry's back. "Take me back, please."

Harry realized his passenger wasn't going to get back on the other broom and agreed. "Alright but we're going to have to have some fun on the flight back then. Hold on." Harry felt the woman's breasts press up against his back as she gripped him tighter and he dove down to street level, pulling up just before hitting the pavement.

The fearful shriek of glee was like music to his ears, despite being shouted at point blank range. He saw the other woman was hunched over and keeping up with them as he happily swerved in between cars, stop lights, and trees the whole way.

"Oh," Harry eeped. "That's… not the broomstick."

"Are you sure," came the breathy answer in his ear. "It feels like it."

"Umm," Harry considered the question.

"Besides," she whispered, licking his ear. "My sister and I must thank you for saving my life."

Harry gulped and decided to take a slightly longer way home, streaming up into the sky hoping the thinner, colder air would settle him down.

"Slow down," the cry came from the other broom rider.

Harry had leveled off as the other girl caught right up to them and hovered just a little higher.

She suddenly leapt from her broom and landed right in front of Harry who had to pull his arms back.

"I can't let you have all the fun," the new girl in front said while holding the other broom in one hand grinding her backside towards Harry.

He was struggling but managed to steady the broom wrapped safely in a naked twin Voldemort mask wearing sandwich.

"I don't think this broom was meant for three," Harry said suddenly finding the night air far less cold.

The one in front was holding Harry's arm against her side as she leaned back and whispered in his unoccupied right ear. "Then you should probably take us somewhere, Lord Black."

Harry found himself agreeing heartily. "Recognized me, huh?"

"You have a habit of getting your picture taken shirtless," the answer came from the girl in back nibbling his left ear.

Harry spotted the fire from the pit barbecue in the distance and flew back towards the party. "It's nice to know you've been studying my pictures, Padma."

Both Patil sisters seemed to stiffen and Harry was reassured that he still had some control over the situation.

The awaiting crowds cheered them loudly as the broom carrying three naked people and an extra broom arrived back at the roof.

"There's no way you made it there and back already," the masked referee argued.

"You're right," Harry said as both women hugged him tighter. "I lost the broom race, but well… I win."

"To winning," a clearly inebriated man toasted and everyone around clinked glasses and cheered another reason to take a drink.

Harry flew down the hole, making sure everything was going okay and circled over the heads of the people still dancing.

The naked twins sandwiching him were blushing and holding on while he lazily flew around.

"What are you doing?" Parvati asked from in front, feeling all the eyes on her.

"I could say I'm just making sure the party's going okay," Harry earnestly answered, spotting several aurors and sober responsible adults manning the door, the bathroom lines, and generally keeping an eye on things. "But honestly? Victory lap."

Both Patil sisters ducked their heads to hide their smiles.

Harry spotted Sirius wearing a Voldemort mask and an engorged copy of the troll leg umbrella stand. He poked him in the shoulder inquisitively. "You doing okay?"

Sirius knew only person who'd poke him with an invisible arm while sandwiched between hot naked twins. "Not as good as you are, but yeah."

Harry suddenly felt the identification wards trigger and one of the presences he wasn't expecting arrived. "Did you catch it?"

Sirius nodded. "Bring him on down here."

Harry was squeezed tightly as he flew back up and around the people bouncing on the trampolines. He whispered to both of his passengers. "Don't think I can't tell how much you like people looking at you while hidden under your masks."

Both Patils were giggling softly and holding on.

Harry flew right to the front door and stopped before a non-descript man. "Are you going to wear that glamour all night?"

"I suppose not," the man known as David Monroe agreed, dropping the simple charm and revealing the face his enchanted necklace displayed.

Most people didn't react any, but there were a couple of shocked gasps. Harry could tell neither Padma nor Parvati had recognized him and he whispered to Parvati. "Give him the broom."

Tom took the broom and followed Harry down the dance floor. Tom whistled softly in appreciation for the magic of the room. "Sirius' work, I'm guessing?"

"You can identify our styles now?" Harry chuckled as a few others were whispering and pointing to the fully clothed unmasked man landing on the stage.

Sirius had gotten back up on the stage wearing the troll leg like a barrel. He pulled his mask up showing his face and cast Sonorus on his throat. "Excuse me! Excuse me!" he shouted as the music quieted.

"We have a very special guest tonight," Sirius yelled as his voice carried throughout the foyer and up to the roof. "Ladies, gentlemen, perverts, deviants, miscreants, and scoundrels," Sirius said walking over and thrusting his arm around Tom's amused shoulders. "For those of you who don't know, I'd like you all to meet David Monroe, the Vanquisher of Voldemort."

Cheers and shouts erupted from everywhere and thunderous applause shook the foundation of every house on the street. People from the roof were flying down as others jumped the railing and landed on the receiving trampoline to get a better look at their surprising savior.

Tom just smiled modestly and waved his thanks while they all kept clapping and shouting his name.

"Did you need anything tonight?" Harry asked Tom who was beginning to blush under all the praise.

Tom shook his head. "Everyone's calling this the party of the century so I thought I'd see what sort of shindig you two were throwing. You know the DMLE is scared of what would happen if they tried to shut this down." He leaned over towards Harry and Sirius. "Alan's still being interrogated, but he may stop by later."

"Well then," Harry said, amazed that the people were still cheering and applauding. "If you gentlemen will excuse me, I have better things to do and many positions to do them in." He waggled his eyebrows and flew back up towards the protected floors, disappearing still happily held in a naked twin sandwich.

Sirius thrust a twenty galleon bottle of brandy into Tom's hand. "You know, I'm guessing here, but I bet defeating the Dark Lord could get you laid. Just maybe."

Tom opened the bottle and took a sniff. He glanced over at Sirius. "Have you been drinking?"

"A little," Sirius admitted while snapping the straps holding his troll leg suit up. "Ooh! A Potter."

Tom just watched in amusement as Sirius ran over towards Jimmy, who had passed out headfirst on the makeshift bar Gin was working at.

"Jimmy?" Sirius asked pulling the young man's head up by the hair.

"Uhh," the exhausted Head Boy groaned.

Sirius let his head drop back into his folded arms on the bar and smiled at Gin. "Hey Gin? You wanna do me a favor?"

"What's that?" she asked, sipping on her own beer.

"Jimmy's got a guest room on the third floor," Sirius explained as he slapped a sticker onto her arm. "Don't take that off, or it'll vanish. But now you should be able to see the second and third floors. You mind helping him up to his room?"

Gin looked at the stream of drool connecting Jimmy's open mouth and a small puddle on the bar and found it pathetically cute. "Sure." She agreed moving over and slinging one of his limp arms across her back.

"Oh and when you get him to bed, make sure that he drinks this potion before he falls asleep for the night."

"Got it." Gin accepted the clear vial and helped Jimmy over towards the trampoline that took people up.

"Padfoot?" Remus said as he walked up behind him. "You're not trying to play matchmaker again, are you?"

"Who? Me?" Sirius replied a little too innocently.

"What was in that potion?" Remus warily asked.

"Same thing Fred and George tricked me into drinking earlier," Sirius admitted while looking down his troll leg suit. He looked back at Remus. "New one they're working on called Pecker-Up. It's basically a Pepper-Up but it also makes the drinker's-"

"I got it," Remus interrupted with a frown. "So when Jimmy… oh."

"Yup."

"And you think she'll…"

"Enh… maybe."

Remus sighed. "You're like the tallest and sickest cupid ever."

"Worked with you," Sirius argued. "Speaking of, where is your worse half? Did she even make it?"

Remus shook his head. "Didn't you notice the winner of the naked broom race was slightly pregnant?"

"Really?"

Remus nodded. "She painted over the Black Family crest on her arm. And since the food is on the roof…"

"Ahh," Sirius said in understanding. "Say no more."

The two idly chatted watching all the people dancing and cheering, flying all around them. Occasionally people would come over for drinks and Sirius would happily help the naked ones first. After twenty minutes and no sign of Gin, Sirius decided he'd waited long enough. "Well, I guess this cupid hit another money shot."

"So it appears," Remus agreed, sipping on his beer.

"You wanna do me a favor?"

"Not when you ask like that," Remus said shaking his head.

"No, no," Sirius argued. "Nothing like that. I just don't think Gin's coming back any time soon and wanted you to watch the bar, maybe help mix a few drinks."

Remus nodded. "That I can handle."

"Excellent," Sirius exclaimed. "Because this erection is really starting to itch."

"That was more than I ever wanted to know," Remus said waving Sirius away.

Sirius turned towards the still full crowd and just yelled this time, without any help from a charm. "Excuse me? Sorry, but I seem to have been cursed with a magical erection. Would anyone care to help me with that?"

Several hands went up in the air. Remus felt pity on the world where that pick-up line works.

"Excellent," Sirius agreed at more than two dozen arms in the air. "Okay fellas? Sorry I'm not that drunk and you shouldn't believe what you read in the papers. Now why don't I start with you," Sirius said grabbing the arm of a masked naked woman. "The rest of you can wait in line or draw straws."

"Or they can watch," the unknown woman suggested.

Sirius turned to look at the woman whom he still hadn't seen the face of or even knew the name of. "I love you."

Sirius waved to all the other women with their arms in the air. "The rest of you follow me if you want."

Not all of them did, but Sirius figured eight was enough.

Harry woke up to the feeling of two warm bodies pressed up against him. Padma was nestled snugly under his arm, while Parvati's head was resting on his chest.

"Sweet," Harry mumbled happily.

A loud knock was heard on his bedroom door disturbing the twins' sleep.

"What?" Harry shouted in irritation.

"Hey Harry?" Sirius' voice came from the other side of the door. "Can I come in? I've got…" There was a brief muffled conversation before Sirius continued, "Kelly with me."

Harry pulled the covers up so that only their heads were showing. "It's open."

Sirius walked into the room, having already showered and cleaned. He looked at the twin women under Harry's arms curiously. He waved between Kelly and the twins, "Okay, so how do you three know each other?"

The three women were all shaking their heads.

"I don't think I've ever met them," Kelly explained. "I told you, I'm from the states, and I'm just here visiting my cousin."

"Who's your cousin?" Sirius asked.

"Scott Martin," she answered. "He's a squib from California based in the London headquarters of UPPS."

Parvati was sitting up and holding the sheet to cover herself. "Never heard of him."

Harry sighed. "Sirius, it's not going to happen every time."

"Hah!" Sirius scoffed. "So far this morning I've ended three feuds that have all been going on for centuries and reunited an orphan with the aunt that wasn't allowed custody. Now Kelly is all that's left. So come on, no one's got a missing relative? Or mystery that's befuddled them for years?"

Padma and Parvati were looking to Harry for help but he just shook his head.

"Sorry," Kelly shrugged. "I'm just a girl on vacation who can appreciate a good party when she sees it."

Sirius was getting desperate. "No ancient family feuds or rare artifact you have to find? No Gatekeepers or Keymasters?"

Kelly shook her head. "Muggleborn."

Padma shrugged. "Not unless you know someone with Bombay blood."

Kelly gasped. "I have Bombay blood!"

Parvati jerked up suddenly. "And you're magical."

Kelly nodded. "Graduated from Salem. What did you need?"

Padma was beginning to feel hope again. "Our mother has been slowly dying for years. She needs a kidney transplant-"

"I was born with three kidneys!" Kelly exclaimed in surprise. "This is unbelievable."

Sirius was smiling brightly at Harry as the naked twins jumped over to talk more with Kelly. "Say it."

Harry shook his head.

"Come on. I earned it."

Harry sighed as he watched Padma and Parvati getting dressed paying no attention to him or Sirius at all. "You were right. I shouldn't have doubted you."

Sirius closed his eyes and basked in the admission. "Oh it feels good. It feels very good."

Harry yawned as he slipped on a pair of pajama bottoms and a robe. He saw the three women leave the room without even saying goodbye and felt blessed. He noticed Sirius was really furiously rubbing the front of his pants.

"The morning itches, eh?"

Sirius was still scratching. "The what?"

"You know," Harry assured him while scratching himself too. "The usual morning itches. The ones you're supposed to get."

"Harry," Sirius said looking down the front of his pants. "It's not supposed to be itchy."

Harry slowed down his scratching. "It isn't?"

Sirius sighed thinking they'd both be needing a visit with a healer. "No."

Harry closed his eyes in frustration at his naivety. "There's no such thing as sexual goose bumps, is there?"

"Oh Harry!" Sirius had to laugh.

"I thought it was a Veela thing."

Sirius was still snickering. "I hate to break it to you, but I doubt she was a Veela."

"I'm beginning to think the same thing," Harry admitted. He paused for a moment before going right back to his scratching. "Bugger."

"With every great gift comes a curse," Sirius ominously explained.

Harry knew he should stop scratching and managed to convince himself rubbing didn't count as scratching. "So is there a counter-curse?"

"Not to my knowledge," Sirius replied, deep in thought. "But there are some good ointments."