Greetings one and all! After much work and toil, I have constructed chapter 10 starring Lucius Malfoy!
As requested by Slytherin Slavelaborer, Lucius has become a little more feminine, and Snape manages to sneak in a few dark and depressing comments in this chapter. Read on for more info!
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Lucius enters a baking contest
Lord Voldemort was sitting in the kitchen one morning, eating his toast and jam, something that he regularly did on Saturdays, when his peace was interrupted by a high pitched scream.
"Curses!" Voldemort cried, dropping his toast, sticky side down of course, on the floor. "Whoever that is is going to pay!"
He stomped up the stairs and nearly crashed into Lucius Malfoy who was whizzing along the corridor clutching a piece of paper.
"What are you doing?" Voldemort asked angrily.
"I have some excellent news my lord!" Lucius cried. "But I have to tell you all together, I need everyone to be in the living room in five minutes!" And he raced off down the stairs, leaving Voldemort baffled.
A few minutes later and all of the Death Eaters were gathered in the living room, sitting in the various chairs.
"Everyone," Lucius said. "I have an announcement. Does anybody watch the television show, 'The chefs among us?'?"
Nobody could honestly say that they did.
"Well," Lucius continued. "I entered a competition where I sent in my recipe for chocolate chip cookies, and I got the letter today saying that I won! I'm going to be on the show competing with the other winners!"
The Death Eaters utterly failed to burst into enthusiastic applause. Dolohov coughed.
"Doesn't anyone have anything to say?" Voldemort asked, feeling a bit sorry for his minion, no matter how unmanly he may be. To his relief, Snape raised his hand.
"Yes?" Voldemort said.
"Life is meaningless, death is inevitable." Snape replied flatly.
"Right, er, thank you Snape for that cheery outlook on our existence." Voldemort said, a little worriedly.
"So anyway," Lucius continued. "I have to go to it on Monday, and I would really like it if you lot came along, you know, to show support and all that?"
After this, the Death Eaters burst into a chorus of excuses.
"I think I've got a beauty appointment then," Bellatrix said swiftly.
"I've got to go back to school…" Karkaroff added.
"I've got to see a guy about some Turkish delight," Dolohov said.
"SILENCE!" Voldemort said. "All of you are going whether you like it or not! Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes my lord." The Death Eaters grumbled.
It was clear on the Monday morning, that many Death Eaters were having second thoughts about their agreement.
"I'm not going!" Rabastan cried. "I'm not going! I'm not going!"
"You have to go," Bellatrix said. "Come on, you're a Death Eater, what would your family say?"
At that moment, Rodolphus burst into the room.
"I'm not going!" He yelled. "I'm not going! I'm not going!"
"Never mind." Bellatrix sighed.
Meanwhile, Macnair and Rookwood ran back to Voldemort, having failed to find Dolohov.
"We can't find him, m'lord," Rookwood said.
"Where could he be?" Voldemort asked. "Don't tell me he's gone back into that wardrobe again."
Suddenly, they heard a sound coming from a nearby broom cupboard. They opened it and found Dolohov munching on Turkish Delights, which he quickly hid behind his back.
"These aren't mine," he said through his mouthful. "I was framed…"
"Guess who's going to be your field trip buddy!" Wormtail cried in Barty's ear. They were the only two actually sitting in the mini van at that moment, and Wormtail was enjoying every second of torturing his enemy. "Me!" He continued. "And I'm going to kick you the entire time, just like you always kicked me." And with that, he proceeded to sing, "I know a song that will get on your nerves, NERVES! Get on your nerves, NERVES! Get on your nerves, NERVES!"
With that last 'NERVES', Barty seemed to be almost going for his wand, but at that moment, the door of the house flung open, and Lucius Malfoy walked out, wearing something so outrageous that even Wormtail stopped singing to look at him.
His hair was freshly washed and brushed; he had obviously stolen some of Bellatrix's make up, he was wearing a sparkly pink top with a light pink flowery apron over it, and had sparkly pink flares underneath. The two Death Eaters stared in horror at the flashing pink platforms on his feet.
"What are you wearing?" Wormtail asked as he got in the passenger seat in front of them.
"It's the latest fashion," Lucius said. "But I customized the shoes; I could even make you a pair Wormtail."
"No!" Wormtail cried. "I mean, I'm all right for shoes at the moment thanks."
By the time that everyone had piled into the car, everyone was getting thoroughly sick of Wormtail's relentless singing.
"Barty make him stop!" Bellatrix yelled, covering her ears. Barty merely shrugged and continued staring out of the window.
The Death Eaters all looked at him in bewilderment.
"Wormtail shut up!" Voldemort cried as he got into the drivers seat, closed the door and started the engine.
Wormtail remained silent for the rest of the journey, and apart from Lucius regularly glancing at himself in the mirror; the Death Eaters didn't do anything particularly exciting.
When the arrived, Voldemort parked the car and they all got out at the studio. They all followed Lucius and filed in through the door. Lucius walked up to the reception desk and stopped.
"Hello," he said. "I'm Lucius Malfoy, competition finalist, and these are the friends I mentioned."
"Ah yes, Mr Malfoy and his… knitting club," she said uncertainly, glancing at the Death Eaters in their customary black robes and pointy hats. She passed him the tickets. "Here you are, you're the first door on the right and the rest of you just carry straight on until the end of the corridor."
"Thank you." Lucius said, and stalked off into the first door on the right.
Clutching their tickets, the Death Eaters walked down the corridor until they came to two big doors. A doorman took their tickets and opened them, and the Death Eaters came out into a large hall with lots of seats overlooking a well lit stage with four small kitchen surfaces. 'The chefs among us' were printed in large flashing letters above it.
The Death Eaters found their seats and sat down.
"I'll have those I think," Wormtail said to Barty, snatching his packet of maltesers. Barty just stared glumly into space.
Dolohov, who was sitting on the other side of Barty, stared.
He had always liked Barty, jokes and all, and to see him just let Wormtail snatch away his maltesers worried him.
"Give them back Wormtail." Dolohov ordered.
"No," Wormtail said, munching on the sweets. "If Barty didn't want me to have them, he would have said something.
Dolohov sighed and sat back in his seat as everyone fell silent and an odd muggle walked on stage.
"Hello!" He said into a microphone. "And welcome to our finals! Today our four contestants will compete for the title of Best Chef and receive this lovely golden trophy, not to mention free tickets at any spa or beauty centre that they choose. Our four lucky finalists are: Mrs Jones!" An old lady in a hairnet came out and stood at the first station. "Petunia Dursley!" A tall, long necked woman came out, grinning at the camera crew who were nearby. "Alastor Moody!" Voldemort nearly spat out his orange juice as Alastor Moody, the ex auror smiled at everyone and walked on stage. "And our final competitor, Lucius Malfoy!" The presenter said, as Lucius walked into view, grinning at everyone, still wearing his really too pink clothes. The audience applauded.
"Now our competitors are going to be making a recipe of our choice," the presenter said. "And that is, chocolate chips cookies!"
"Oh no," Voldemort said in horror. "Not cookies."
"He's doomed." Rookwood agreed,
"That's my speciality!" Lucius said happily.
"Good, good," the presenter said with an enormous false grin, pretending to care. "Ready set, go!"
The competitors started to cook frantically; Lucius was rushing around grabbing ingredients and putting them into a bowl. Voldemort could barely look at the end when time was up and Lucius had a tray of freshly baked cookies in front of him.
"Mrs Jones, your cookies please," The presenter said. The old woman walked up and passed a cookie to the man. "Very nice." The presenter said, and the lady grinned proudly and walked back. "Petunia Dursley, your cookies please?" Aunt Petunia walked up, grinning broadly and held out a cookie. "Perhaps a little too much cinnamon." He said. Aunt Petunia looked mortally offended and stalked off. "Alastor Moody, yours please?" Moody passed the tray to the man. "There's, er, there's nothing there." The presenter said.
"Can't be too careful," Moody said. "You have no idea what some evil dictator might slip into your ordinary self raising flour."
"O-K," The presenter said. "Thank you Alastor. And our last competitor, Lucius Malfoy!"
Lucius leapt up, and almost ran to the front, passing the whole tray of cookies to the man.
He picked one up and bit into it, and spat it out at once.
"Is there metal in here?" He asked, referring to the cookies.
"So that's where the mixer went," Lucius said.
"Right," the presenter said. "Well, I think there is no mistaking the winner here today, Lucius Malfoy!"
"YES!" Lucius cried, as the audience clapped.
"And there's something else we have to tell you." The presenter said, with a slightly evil grin. "You are not on 'The chefs among us,' but on the new TV show, 'Cooks from hell, when good chefs go bad,' and you are officially the nation's worst chef! Congratulations!"
Lucius mouthed speechlessly, astonished that he had been named the worst chef in the country. He glared at the laughing audience and turned to a pot of jam on his left. He picked it up, unscrewed the lid and splattered the presenter in strawberry paste.
After all, what was life without a bit of strawberry jam?